Take me as I am

One Year

2012-01-03T20:10:00.000-08:00

It's amazing what difference a year could make. We had a follow up appointment with Aaron today with the same pediatrician that was part of the team that diagnosed him.

My little man is making so much progress. My heart swells with pride and I am thankful where we are today. There are times when I had no clue if my boy would talk, say my name or say "I love you."

He now does all three. He talks ALL the time. He never stops at times. I try to remind myself, to not get frustrated when dealing him and the echolalia and the fact that he has to say the same thing repeatedly. But to be thankful for the little boy I have.

Today we went for a play date and he amazed me. He played with the little boy like a normal 3-year-old. He didn't parallel play, but took turns, raced cars and asked the little boy to share a toy. He first asked me to get his friend to share but I directed him to ask him himself. And he did. Aaron amazed me today and gave me hope that he will be able to live fulfilling life. My biggest fear is that he will be teased when his school age and I am doing everything I can as his mom to avoid that. I am trying to socialise him and teach the right ways to act in certain situations. I hope I can.

I have SO much I want to write, but I am tired and want to veg out now. I will have a post soon on my near egg donor adventures and how things went throughout.

False Advertisement

2011-12-28T21:58:00.000-08:00

This marks my 230th post on this blog tonight. I also had my 430th tweet. I sometimes wonder how many posts I lost on my old blog when I let the domain expire. Ce La Vie.

So a lot is going on and nothing at the same time. I have so many things floating around in my brain at the moment. I will think of awesome posts through out the day when I am at work and then lose them when I get home. There is the daycare issue, finding place, moving out, the challenges of parenting an autistic child. Sometimes it seems the older Aaron gets the more "autistic" he gets. But that is another post for another day.

I looked at two places tonight for Aaron and I. I want a 2 bedroom preferably with in-suite or shared laundry and a full bath tub. Not just a shower stall.

What I viewed tonight I thought were 2 bedrooms. Such a waste of my time. The first place I viewed was "1 bedroom and a den". To me a definition of a den is a small room suitable for an office or nook or toddler. It lacks a closet. The "den" I saw in the first place was a living room that could be used as a den. I figured it would have a bedroom, living room kitchen and smaller room suitable for Aaron. Yeah, no dice.

The second place was actually a 2 bedroom. With a kitchen an no living room. I don't think so.

I don't understand while rentals are so freaking expensive here. Some basement suites run $1200! WTF? Hell in Metro Vancouver I could at get a nice 2 bedroom basement suite for $875. I've seen 3 bedrooms on the top floor of a house for $900. Sometimes I really hate it here. It's amazing what difference 50 km and and island will make.

I didn't want this post to be whiny. Some how it has. I am all dried up for good material. I wanted to do a post about music. I listen to it all day long at work. I get right into it. Shit. You know what I just typed Reba has been texting me. (My dad had been texting me and I had been relaying this info to Eric.) When I meant to type, Reba has been a favorite as of late. I go on to Groove Shark search an artist and select all their songs and rock out all day long.

A few others I have been listening to, Michael Jackson, Janet, Madonna, Will Smith (Summertime takes me back to my youth), Trace Adkins (as if that is any surprise) Conway Twitty, Loretta Lynn, Keith Anderson (I love XXL), Blake Shelton, Easton Corbin, Aerosmith, The Clash, The Cure, Nirvana, Blind Melon. As you can see my music tastes vary greatly. I still love me my country music first and foremost. So much so I think my girl Kit Kat and I will be hitting out favourite Honky Tonk on NYE.

I should be going to bed. I didn't get to bed till midnight last night as I decided to go to the gym and go for a swim.G'night.
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If you Fail To Plan...

2011-12-24T17:54:00.001-08:00

Plan to fail. This can even be said

for cake decorating... What ok so well Not my finest moment

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Just Wasn’t Feeling It

2011-12-21T20:05:00.000-08:00

So the no posting for the last month or so? I just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t know what to write or how to write it. I was feeling very Blah.

Eric and I are still living as roommates and parenting as we always have. The plan is to get my own place in the New year.

I have a new job. Yay! I’ve only been there just shy of a week but I really like the place and the staff. I am back to doing something I know and love. Call center and email support. The product is something that I am not so familiar with but I am learning it fast I love love love it! The job is part time which I hope is a nice balance between staying at home with Aaron.

*****

So I wrote that a few days ago. Which I have been meaning to post. I am sick with body aches and pains and a phlegmy cough. I feel nauseous at times due to sinus pain. Weee.

I have a very big case of the Blahs being sick. I am still going to work as I have a sit down job. My hob isn’t mentally or physically challenging so I might as well go. I want to get back into blogging. I miss this place. I may get yet another domain. I am thinking of one, I just haven’t jumped on it yet.

I have looked at one place for Aaron and I. It would’ve been perfect, but the landlord didn’t go with us alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

We also need to find a new daycare as their hours have changed. We found one that would’ve been the right fit except I could smell traces of smoke it in that filter from the upstairs as it’s in the basement of a house. That is a no go.

******

In March I am going to see Blake Shelton in Seattle! I am so stoked for this. It’s something I am really looking forward to. I’ve loved his music ever since I heard Austin in 2001. He is hosting a cruise in October, but I think going is a little far fetched to go given that the cost of the cruise doesn’t include getting there. I will have to be happy with going to his concert.

My sick and tired butt is going to bed.

Stuff

2011-11-12T15:56:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of crap going thru my mind at the moment. I don't know where to begin or what to say. I feel like the world's biggest bitch for breaking up with Eric. Let's not forget I broke up with him while he was deployed in a war zone. Apparently, I was his rock keeping him sane with at sea. So yeah bitch right here.

I don't want to go off on a rant how he is an asshole or a dead beat. He isn't either. He has asshole tendencies as do most people just as I have bitch tendencies. When he came yesterday I literally recoiled from him and didn't want him near me. As mid email to him about how i felt suffocated by him from keeping up normal appearances on Facebook.

I have his family on my facebook and he hasn't told them yet. I've told my friends and he has told a few of his friends but so far mums the word to his family. I guess he needed me to say what I needed to say in person before he accepted it.

It's weird having him home. Living in the same place. We are sleeping in separate rooms. But I want to be staying in separate places. He's offered to stay in barracks, but I can't have him not in his own home for my breaking up with him. My 2 friends that I can stay with or either super sick or have just had their man come back from a deployment. I don't want to intrude.

So at the moment were still parenting and eating meals together. Which I wanted to avoid as it's a semblance or normalcy without physical contact.

I don't have a job at the moment. Woot. Woot. I am starting single momdom off on a good note. Eric has leave so the plan is to take whatever job I get and save some $. He wants me to start off right on my feet. So there is a non asshole trait.

I am on the ferry at the moment. I am going over to see my girls for the night to try to out some perspective and what to do. I hope chili and movies helps on this miserable night of wind and rain.

Expect the Unexpected

2011-11-11T21:11:00.000-08:00

A good life lesson to learn folks Eric showed up at home this morning without warning.

There is lots to deal with sooner than I expected. But it doesn't surpirse me. I had a moment of panic at 6am and had the thought to be better prepared for his arrival 2 hours later he is home. My sixth sense was spot on.

I am too emotionally drained to get into the nitty gritty at the moment. But the poop is hitting the fan.

HELP!

2011-11-07T19:59:00.000-08:00

The first step to in addressing an addiction is to admit to it right? I have some addmissions to make here.

I think I may be addicted to social media. And not just any social media, but Facebook.

It all started when I got a smart phone a few weeks ago. Facebook is right there. On my phone. And I have a camera. See a funny photo op? Take it. Upload to Facebook mobile, insert witty caption done. Right? ...

Nope. Must see who is online. Check my notifications, newsfeed and Bobby Jo's profile. Oh wait, now I have to check my comments on my photo and Cheryl's profile. Did she upload anything in her mobile albums?

This is getting bad people.

I went to Wal-Mart tonight and left my phone at home on purpose and kicked myself as I missed the perfect Peopleofwalmart.com photo op. Oh Well.

I am also addicted to Pepperidge Farm Gold Fish Crackers. That is an addiction I don't have a hope in hell kicking.

I'm The Douche That Left Without a Good Reason

2011-11-04T21:53:00.000-07:00

That's how I am feeling right about now. On the surface I don't really have a good reason to justify leaving Eric do I? I don't love him. Is that enough of a reason?

The fact that we have Aaron together is that enough of a reason to stay? To some people it is. When you see old acquaintances and tell the you've ended things, I guess you need to have a reason to justify it. I get the "you chose to have a child, therefore you owe it to your child to stay."

It doesn't matter that I haven't been happy for some time. That we go about our day-to-day life in the same pattern. That I am unhappy. Have anger issues and am a little depressed?

I am just very unsure. I have been for sometime. If I loved him I'd know right? Sometimes I wonder if we got back together back in 2004 after our 6 month break due to the habit of each other. When we got back together, oddly enough I was the other girl. He was seeing someone and was happy then I came bouncing back. He said ultimately it wouldn't have lasted as she never wanted to have kids and that was a deal breaker for him.

Who knows. I have a lot anger and resentment in my life that I have to deal with. Some of it is directed at Eric some of it's not. But really what do I have to be angry about? He provides for me, I have financial stability and a common-law husband who loves his son. There is now abuse. Some women would kill for this. And call me nuts. I sometimes think I am.

I am choosing the path of single parent without a job. Good job S. (The job didn't last and it wasn't ideal only making $40/day after daycare was paid for. And that's what I have to pay my chiropractor per session to work on my back due to sitting in a bad position for 4 days)

I somehow have this need to live on my own, pay my own rent and bills while sharing custody with Eric. I've never lived on my own or provided her myself and have always felt like I should learn to be a grown up at some point.

This is a verbal diarrhea of a girl who ended a relationship while her man was deployed. Douche I am.

On Goings

2011-10-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

There has been lots going on here. I don't know where to start. Eric and I are no longer together. As of a week now.

I pulled the plug. I just couldn't stay in the relationship any more. I have lots I want to say, but not sure what to say. He is the only one of my real life people that knows of this place. He says he doesn't read here as he feels as though he is invading my space but all bets are off when a relationship ends.

I am a douche who broke up with him while he was deployed. I just felt I coudn't live a lie anymore. I am not in love with him. We've haven't been great for years. We putter a long. Have issues, sometimes we deal with them and sometimes they get put on the back burner until the next issue creeps up.

I can't say anything bad or call him all sorts of names. There is no abuse or anything life altering. We've had our share of fights and douchbaggery but that's about it.

He gets home in 3 months. Or that was the plan, now he wants to come home to try to work on us and see Aaron. I really don't have anything to say or that I want to hear. In the past when I've tried to end things he's convinced me to stay so Aaron has a better life style and so that we don't have to liv in low income housing.

My plan is to save from my job and get our own place and stay here. I don't want to move back to Vancouver if I can help it. I want Eric to be a constant part in Aaron's life and my living here is really the only way I can see that happening. I don't know what future holds for us. I just hope I can pull on my big girl panties and make enough to pay rent and put food on the table.

Yes there will be some form of child support but as the plan is 50/50 I don't think nor want much.

I'm Baaacccck

2011-10-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

I didn't get any good blogging time in whilst on my trip. A trip that was suppose to take me to Winnipeg but unfortunately only tool me as far as Calgary.

A certain job had me come back early. A job I was told that would be starting tomorrow. So I scaled my trip back a week. When I was heading to the ferry on Friday, I got a call confirming my start date of Oct. 24th. Of course I asked the recruiter "What the hell?" How did this happen?

Ugh. I was half way there with Aaron and the cat in tow. But I turned around and stuck around Vancouver for the weekend.

Aaron and I came home today. I am kind of stoked to play stay-at-home-mom for the week before working full-time for two weeks. After my training, I work 2 days per week. This suits me fine.

As for the MIL and I, things aren't too bad. Were polite with each other and I stayed two nights at the in-laws. I didn't care to over stay my welcome and they got lots of time in with Aaron.

I really want to blog, but I am so freaking tired I just want to go to bed before 10pm for once.

Ripping the Band-Aid Off

2011-10-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

So, it finally happened the MIL and I have crossed paths again. My two long term readers know what happened the last time I was in her presence.

Nothing ever was resolved. I just ignored her emails and didn't talk to her on the phone for 9 months until I absolutely had too when Eric flew up with Aaron and I had to give her some last min instructions.

It wasn't too bad considering I had a panic/anxiety attack before leaving my dad's the other day. I do have General Anxiety Disorder but never have attacks. I was trying to find a doctor to get some of the good drugs in the form of Xanax or Ativan but my provinces health care system failed me in Interior BC (due to lack of doctors available at a walk-in clinic) and I am doing so without. (I've got a post for the how I feel the health care system is failing us, but that's for another time.)

This time we are staying a hotel. Much more preferable. Aaron and I are on our road trip which may or may not take us to Winnipeg. It depends if I start a new job on the 17th.

I didn't got searching for it, it found me. And the best part is it's only two days per week. Perfect for me as I really just want to stay at home with Aaron, but enough to get me out of the house and to contribute a wee bit to our income. Aaron's daycare is flexible so it's a win-win.

I want to hash out some of my thoughts on the MIL front but we have been on the road awhile and I want to crash.

Night.

I'm In Lust!

2011-10-03T00:31:00.000-07:00

It's been soooo long since I've blogged. I've every intention of getting caught up this week.

Now that I am a SAHM again, I will have more time to do things. Such as blog. I got a week start on the SAHM gig as Aaron contracted Hand Foot and Mouth Disease and wasn't able to go to daycare.

Aaron and I are hanging out over at my dad's at the moment before we embark on a road trip that will have us travel cross three provinces.

Today Aaron and I went to visit my mom, brother and step dad. We don't usually get a visit in when were here as it is an hour drive one way. My mom never makes the drive to see us, but today we went out for my brothers birthday.

It might as well have been my birthday. Because I got to drive a Nissan 350 Z!

I tried to upload a personal pic, but blogger was having none of it.

This car, this car is something else. I had her at at leas 180 KPH. (111 MPH.)

Yowza! My step dad finally let me take his baby for a spin and OMG I'm in love.

This isn't the actual car but the same damn model. Holy crap! The experience I had driving this 6 speed manual transmission car at the speeds can not be described adequately with words.

I am in lust.

More posts coming soon to this blog near you.

No Go To A Daycare

2011-09-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

This is the words that have been coming out of my beloved son's mouth for the last few weeks. Last Friday I switched his daycare mid day without nary a thought.

Never, have I ever been so cavalier about his childcare in my life.

He only had 2 weeks left at his old daycare, but I was fed up and made the switch. They're had been many changes at his daycare in the past 2 weeks. In 1 - 2 weeks 3 of his favourite teachers left, transferred or had quit.

The straw the broke the camels back was when I walked in and some staff member was covering from another location. I had never seen her or talked to her in my son's life. There wasn't one staff member there to greet us that I knew.

They let his would be support worker go without notice. A day before she was to start with him. This didn't sit well with me.

A few of the staff that know loved him went to a new daycare centre. We went, we liked and we enrolled 3 days later.

He's been there a day and half and I notice a difference in him. He is happy, he is interacting with the other children and I have never seen him do that at his old daycare. The children aren't high strung and I don't hear curse words coming out of his mouth.

I knew this was the right choice when I picked him up on his final day and as I was putting him in his car seat and my three year old with limited verbal skills said "Damn it" with a smile on his face. Not knowing what it means.

He said when he woke up today "No go to a daycare" as he has every day for the last 2 weeks.

When I dropped him off this morning he happily said "back to a preschool."

Preschool is what we call new daycare as he will be attending preschool there.

RETURNED HOME

2011-09-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

I know what today is and what it signifies. I woke up at 5:38am to pee and realized it was probably 10 years down to the hour of 9-11 and I said a silent prayer for the families of the victims of 9-11.

It's also a day to celebrate for one family. The little boy Kienan Herbert was returned home today!

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/TopStories/20110911/missing-bc-boy-found-safe-110911/

I have been praying for a his safe return. As parent with a three year old son this just hits home for me God is good.

AMBER ALERT

2011-09-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to post tonight, but I saw this Amber Alert on Facebook and I had to to my part.

An amber alert has been issued for a 3 Year Old Sparwood, BC (British Columbia, Canada) boy today.

As per the RCMP, Kienan Hebert may be in the company with 46-year-old Randall Hopley, who drives a 1987 brown Toyota Camry with the B.C. licence plate 098RAL.

Details are from http://calgary.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110907/cgy_amber_alert_110907/20110907?hub=Calgary

Please blog, tweet, facebook and text this as it may save the little boys life.

Did You Know

2011-09-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

* That quinoa has 160 calaries per 1/4 of a cup?! I got me some and whipped it up and started to eat it and then read the box. I thought it was suppose to be some kind of super food? That means if I had one cup of quinoa for breakfast that I have had 640 calories! I don't count calories or anything like that but jeez that seems like a lot of food in one sitting considering I think an average person should be eating somewhere from 1500-2000 calories a day.

* That I hate typing on lap tops but here I am writing a post from one.

* I have not time for such things as blogging being a full time working single mom? I don't know how real single moms do it. I don't hats off to you guys.

* It has been 8 weeks since Eric left.

* In 25 days time I will be a stay at home mom again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My contract at work wasn't renewed do to budget cuts. I am okay with this as this allows me to be at home with Aaron. I gave notice to his daycare and I will be putting him in pre school some in October or November.

*Come Oct 1 we're in that car on our way to the Mainland and beyond. We will be going on a road trip to Calgary for sure we may even go as far as Winnipeg. My BFF and his wife moved there and I want to see them and the city. I've family there I've never met. It's where my paternal grandparents met and I want to see the city and where they grew up

* I'll be getting a new tattoo soon, but I won't be able to post it in the blog as it is Aaron's name (real name) I will be getting it on my the lower left side of my stomach. I still can't venture to somewhere that isn't easily hidden for professional reasons. It's my view of myself. I don't care if others put tattoos in placed not easily covered up.

* I regret not buying a long range water gun when I saw them on sale at the beginning of the summer as there is a cat that thinks he owns the neighbourhood and gets into a fight with my cat almost nightly. Chasing him with a broom hasn't gotten the message across that he just isn't welcome in our yard.

* Some days I feel I don't have a handle on parenting an autistic child when something so little as cracking an egg into a bowel while baking Aaron would set him off for 2 days. Yesterday I did so, and he screamed "no put egg in" and promptly burst into tears. Today he is still saying "no put egg in""at random. I guess I didn't prepare him for it.

* We skipped a fair we were going to go today as I just wasn't up to him freaking out over the littlest things. I have a throbbing sinus infection and the pressure is so bad that feeling like I want to throw up all the time isn\t a good combo with Aaron having meltdowns. I was feeling at the end of my rope so I asked a friend to watch him for a couple of hours. It did us both good and allowed me to go shopping.

* I bought some boots I shouldn't have but, I love love love them and have been looking for a pair like this since last year.

I also bought Aaron 6 long sleeve t-shirts, 2 hoodies and 4 pairs of socks at Old Navy. I did some retail therapy today.

The stripped shirt is pour moi.

* If I could divorce my sinuses, I would.

When Was The Last Time?

2011-08-29T21:34:00.000-07:00

The last time you bought a CD? I do. It was 4 years and 2 months ago. Only 2 days ago that is. I only remember because I bought 2 CD's at Wal-Mart in Port Angeles on my way down to Portland to meet up with Eric for Fleet Week. (This weekend will always stand out in my mind as it was the weekend that we decided that I would go off the pill and we would start trying to conceive.)

I bought 2 Cd's on that trip. One I can't remember for the life of me. The other was Trace Adkins Dangerous Man. That CD has lived in my car for the last 4 years. I don't know what it is about him and his music but I just love him. Swing really just puts me in a good mood and gets me upbeat. I love driving down the highway blasting his music.

Two days ago I bought my first CD in 4 years. I bought Trace Adkins Proud to Be Here. Wow. I can relate to the lyrics to most of the songs on this album. I don't know what it is about him but he seems to be on every TV show I randomly throw on or on the radio co-hosting something or another.

I can't really articulate what I want to say about Trace Adkins and what his music really means to me. I've been trying to write this post for 2 days now this is the only time I have had to sit down and write this. I have been busy, busy busy.

My most important role during Eric's deployment being the sole parent is to be there for Aaron and to address his needs/tantrums/OCD as they come and to remain calm. Parenting an autistic child certainly presents it's challenges. Most days are okay, but some days he will just get something in this head and will not let it go. And I need to remain calm as to not add fuel to his fire.

Shortly after Eric left I had to go on Zoloft. I was losing patience with Aaron and it wasn't fare to him. I've had to wean myself off of it as I started to feel tingling my arms and legs on 3 different occasions and I dont' like it.

So that's why I haven't posting much or at all.

So back to Trace Adkins. I loved his show so much I am contemplating going to see him again on September 23rd. This time I will get better seats if I do. I am bummed that I missed out on seeing Blake Shelton. I only found out the day of that he was playing near Seattle and I didn't have the time to make childcare arrangements for Aaron and to make the drive from Metro Vancouver to Seattle. Ugh. I would love to see him. i just love his music too. My favourite song by far is Hill Billy Bone with Trace Adkins. Aaron loves this song and he used to call it the Yee Ha song.

I was able to get that close to Trace to snap this pic. Unfortunately, I was not very familiar with my friend's camera and didn't get a better shot.

Trace Adkins zoomed in from our seats.

A Little of This and a Little of That

2011-08-14T21:20:00.000-07:00

Yeah so about that blogging… it aint a happening much. Something had to go when I became the only parent with a full time job in the process. So blogging. Sadly isn’t up there at this time. Eric has been gone a month.
Only 6 months of this deployment left!

Ha! Six months? Will I survive – Yes. Mentally in tact? That remains to be seen. Aaron has had his ups and downs. It breaks my heart when he asks for Eric and I can’t do anything about it. The other day I put him on the phone with my dad and he started to cry “Find Daddy” over and over. I broke my heart.

I am still trying to decide if Eric should come home for 10 days or we should meet him in Europe somewhere? I really don’t know. On the one hand, I’ve never been to Europe on the other I have to fly there with a toddler. One mom told me that her husband isn’t coming home as it just disrupts the kids’ routine and then he leaves and it is another transition. I think that it would be good for Aaron to see Eric and if it were in Europe, no routine would be disrupted.
-------

So I have been having pangs. Pangs for second child. Not good. I flip flop ALL the time about a second. On one hand I miss the whole baby stage and the breastfeeding and I want Aaron to have a friend for life. On the other I really bad post partum depression and didn’t handle motherhood well and I don’t deal with stress well and I don’t want to take the chance of having another child on the spectrum.

Eric is undecided too. Obviously, nothing will happen on this deployment. But the want is still there. However, that isn’t enough of reason to have one as far as I am concerned. I was told by fertility doctor that if I wanted a second child sooner was better than later. This was found out when I was going to be an egg donor. As I had low FSH and low AFC counts it was decided to not proceed with a cycle.
I’ve also had thoughts of being a surrogate, but haven’t put myself out there as that would be a really big commitment. So I am rambling.

I am off tomorrow for a week! Woot! You know what this means. VANCOUVER. I have to go into work tomorrow to apply for a job posted internally as it will have closed when I return. Then I am Vancouver bound. The highlight of my week will be going to see Trace Adkins on Tuesday. I can’t WAIT! It’s going to be good night. Time to clean up a bit and flip loads.

3 Year Old Wanders From Daycare

2011-08-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

How the hell does this happen?

http://www.ctvbc.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110721/bc_daycare_escape_110721/20110721/?hub=BritishColumbiaHome

I shit you not, I interviewed this daycare and we got bad vibes from it and that was the end of that.
Here is the a quote from the post in case you don't want to click the link.

The day care we viewed on Wednesday gave me a bad feeling from the start. We were early for our appointment, I found the staff to be rude, and nobody bothered to introduced themselves while we waited for the lady who was giving us the tour. I've walked up to day cares without an appointment to get warm greetings from staff and a tour. Aaron wanted to leave right away and went straight for the door. He ended up having a tantrum of all tantrums and Eric had to take him out so I could finish the tour on my own. I may have had some preconceived notions based on some feedback I had gotten, but I really tried to go in with an open mind. I just got a bad feeling all around. The toys were put away and brought out throughout the day, and I really didn't care for that. The space was huge, but isn't the size that counts. It's how they use it. Even for day cares.

I Gotta Give You Something

2011-07-25T20:51:00.000-07:00

I mean to post I do, but life sometimes gets in the way.

- Eric's ship completely bi passed Dora by going around it.

- I love my new dress. I wear it all the time.

- I really dislike my new neighbours noise levels. Living a really old duplex will do that.

- I must curb mys pending so Eric and I can have a decent down payment for a place to call our own where we own our own walls

- I was in Vancouver this past weekend and had blast. The West Coast finally had some weather worthy of being called summer and the girls and I basked in it.

- Something is amiss with Aaron, I just can't pin point it. It started before Eric left so I don't think his departure is the underlying issue. I have had him at the doctor's, emergency and back to the doctors. Based on the way he has been sleeping too much I took him for some blood work. I really hope I am over worrying and it's nothing but a virus or growth spurt

-I'm pretty beat. Need to go to bed soon. It's not even 9pm and I will be asking my neighbours to turn down their music.

I'm old.

Worry Much?

2011-07-19T23:22:00.001-07:00

Note to self. Reading the news before bed, not a good idea.

I just read that Tropical Storm Dora is now Hurricane Dora.

Eric's ship is heading in the general area of said hurricane en route to where they need to go.

How much do I need to be worried?

Did You Know...

2011-07-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

That stress is related to cold sores?? I didn't but it all makes sense with Eric's departure this past week. I felt them coming on at the corners of my mouth this week. Usually I pop some Carmex on them and it stops them. Unfortunately, I was out of Carmex and they festered into cold sores. I am lucky they are not
big and unsightly and only I realize that they are there. But they hurt.

Naturally I googled "remedies for cold sores" and happened upon this sight. Some of the suggestions are out there. I have tried rubbing alcohol and nail polish remover to dry the suckers out. I do not recommend this. One of the commenter's went so far as to suggest ear wax as a home remedy. I wonder why someone would to try that...

I am now considering picking up some tea tree oil or witch hazel. TTO is good for just about anything so I might as well get some. I still have tea bags to try. I've read that Abreva doesn't work as well as some home remedies.

If only I had not lost my damn Carmex. And so you know, I use a Q-Tip when apply the rubbing alcohol and nail polish remover. I am not double dipping.

So stress ='s cold sores.

-----

I miss Eric. I am still adjusting to life without him. What I hate and miss the most is when I do the laundry. When I do just when he leaves his stuff is still in it which makes me miss him. Eventually it is only out stuff unless of course it's his t-shirts which I prefer to sleep in.

I hate this. I don't want to get all weepy here. I've been holding myself together pretty well these past few days.

I best be getting back to my laundry and second glass of wine.

Night all.

Oh and in case your wondering, I did buy the dress. Pics to follow soon. mailto:http://fortheluvovblog.blogspot.com/2011/07/to-buy-or-not-to-buy.html

To Buy or Not To Buy?

2011-07-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

It has been an emotional week to say the least as Aaron and I as we adjust to life without Eric. Their have been many tears and sleepless nights. At the moment I am okay. That can change in a heartbeat, but at the moment I doing okay.

I paid someone to clean the house as I just couldn't keep up. We didn't worry about cleaning his last weekend here and tried to get in as much quality family time as possible.

I have a baby sitter for tomorrow evening. I am good. For now.

Now on a lighter note.

I have been eyeing this dress at a downtown boutique. I am not sure if I should buy it or not.

It's on sale at 30% off. It regularly goes for $90. After tax it's $69. That's very pricey for a flimsy piece of fabric.I normally wouldn't shell out so much for a sundress. But. Of course there is but. It fits me well. I can dress it up or down. I can where a an open cardigan and flats and it's good for work. I can wear it with or without tights. It works with flip flops. And I kind of really like it.

This is where you my few readers come in. Should I buy it or not?

Kinda Losing It

2011-07-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

It probably isn't a good idea to blog while in between bouts of crying - but I don't know what else to do. When I need to, the blog is here for me to get it all out.

He left. And I am taking it pretty hard. The stupid ship had mechanical delays which delayed Eric's departure by 4 hours. You'd think it's a good thing to get in a few more hours but throw in a cranky toddler whose nap was all screwed up it makes for a crappy good-bye. Aaron and I did go down to the jetty but left before the ship set sail as the sailing ship would've traumtised him. If his reaction to one of us being whisked away on a sea doo or boat is any indicator we know better.

I feel like I was denied a proper good-bye as my damn cell phone died as Eric called me to tell me details of where they would be sailing. He called me again (I came home and threw it on the charger) as we were watching them sail away from a look out spot but I didn't answer the phone in time and he didn't answer when I called him back.

I am taking this really hard. And will be crying a lot. I am trying not to in front of Aaron as to not upset him. I really don't know how the hell I am going to get through this. I just want to go home.

In My Backyard

2011-07-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

A View from my bedroom window. It's a crappy picture with my cell phone camera but if you look between the two trees there are 2 deer. A lovely sight which is common in my backyard, but I hate cleaning up their poop.

early

2011-07-05T07:33:00.000-07:00

I don't think this post will find it's way to you this morning. Mt lap top is running at 6%. I knew I'd be an hour early for work so I grabbed my lap top to sit in Starbuck's and catch up before going to work.

To say that I've been busy and emotionally overwhelmed, would be an undersatement. While I am getting used to the idea of Eric's impending departure, the idea is so surreal as to how soon it wil actucally happen. Aaron is my main concern. He has gotten super used to Eric and some days even prefers him to me. I don't how this deployment will effect him.

One thing I am not sure about is if I should take him down when Eric's ship set sail or not. I want to see it and want to support it, but it may be traumatizing to see a big warship whisk his daddy away. My first instinct when Eric leaves is to go running back to Vancouver and stay at my father's where I have an opened ended invitation (unless he has oiusequests, which he tells me before weeks in advance) and and suround my self with my Vancouver friends and immersee myself in family, social and kids activities. There usually is never dull moment over there. Unike here. I have friends here, but the roots just aren't the same as home.

Most people in the military lifestyle make friends at their postings. I have made a few but they always move or were the gossip queens that like to cause drama and those friendships only last a season when a person's true colours come out and those are the type of women I prefer to not be friend's with or get sucked up in their drama.

I think living not too far from home I've been able to maintian friendships that normally would've fizzled. This has helped me and hurt me. If I we were at a base n the otherside of the country, Id be force to make new friends an dplan roots.

T'hings are different as I have a fulltime decent job. This means that as I am working so much, there is no time to spend money due to being tied down to work that we shoul be abe to save money for a down payment rightt? .... Ack we shall see.

I want to buy some camping gear and whisk Aaron away on the weekends getting to know this beautiful Island we live in on. If I can get my shit together and my house organized and meals planned, I should be able to go away on the weekend and come back and have stories to tell and memories to build in Arron's brain.

We shall see how this goes. As only time will tell.

Just The Two of Us

2011-06-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

It’s something I had better get used to and quick. Come in about two weeks time it’s just going to be Aaron and I for the next 6-7 months. I am getting a crash course what it’s like to be a single working mom.

Everything falls on me. Lunches, dishes, daycare drop off and pick up. Getting everything ready the night before. Everything. I am a little bit overwhelmed. Eric has done a lot around the house and has been key in getting us all out the door and to daycare and work on time. He’s out for the next two nights (for work) so it’s something that I am getting used to.

If tonight’s dinner (frozen pizza) and my kitchen is any indicator it’s going to be a messy (household wise) 6 months.

I wrote a huge post the other night that got lost. I got into the nitty gritty on my feelings of Eric’s upcoming deployment and my feelings of him being Aaron’s primary caregiver as I’ve been working fulltime and going to school part time. Alas it’s not meant to be blogged about at this time I wrote it on my lap top and it overheated and shut down and I haven’t been able to recover it.

The lap top was given to me and Eric just ordered me a new one so hopefully I won’t lose a post again. I haven’t had a new PC since ’04 so it’s needed and overdue.

Today could’ve been a lot worse considering how it started by me discovering Eric had unplugged the crock pot last night to charge my iPod and I woke up to not cooked chili. (I am not mad as we only have ONE electrical outlet in the entire kitchen and he was doing me a favor as I wear my iPod at work and it get’s me through my day. It is encouraged, not something I would normally do in the workplace.)

I was 2.5 hours late for work as I had to take Aaron to get his blood drawn. I expected a lot of tears and hard day ahead of me, but it wasn’t that bad. The first lab we went to sent us to the hospital to the out patient lab to get Aaron’s blood drawn as they “couldn’t process” his one requisition. I took him to lab opened early to save some time, instead of waiting for the one I normally go to open which has awesome staff that are great with kids. I have to say to lady who collected Aaron’s blood this morning was awesome and worth the wait. He didn’t flinch or make a peep. She has an angel’s touch. And I was so proud him.

My little angel is sleeping and that’s my queue to clean the kitchen and make tomorrows lunches a chore I hate with a passion.

I Got a B!

2011-06-23T20:52:00.001-07:00

Biology is done! I am exhausted. Working fulltime and going to school part-time is not recommended!

My hard work paid off. I have banged off one of many pre-reqs for Nursing. A C + was what I needed, I got a mid B. Not too shabby considering I have had a hard time finding time to study with work. It’s time to hit the hay.

Night All.

Crap I Am Dealing With But Shouldn't

2011-06-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

I have been busy beyond belief! Working full time and going to school part time will do that to you.

-Refilling perscriptions for Aaron because people have been over dosing him!

-Crabby people at work

-WHEN Eric will be leaving. We have an idea as to where but NOTHING has been confirmed. Families and sailors usually have months if not a YEAR notice for long deployments. We have a tentative date which keeps changing, which is messing up my plan because I can't plan anything!.

- A nagging cold/wheezing phlegmy cough that will NOT go away.

- Insecurities at work. (I know one is to not blog about work, the job I do is easy the people not so much.)

- Vancouver rioters - I am ashamed of my city and the assholes that premeditated to riot.

That is all.

Oh Hockey Day!

2011-06-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

Today is a glorious day! I am headed to Vancouver in a few short hours sans boys. It's game day for game 2 of the Stanley Cup final between the Vancouver Canucks and Boston Bruins. *For those of you who don't follow hockey*

I'll be donning this:

and sipping cold beer to wash down the food I shouldn't be eating as I hoot and holler at the big screen TV among friends.

It's playoff hockey in Vancouver folks! I think this may be bigger than the Olympics! Downtown tonight is going to be a gong show and I plan to be there in the thick of things.

And it's going to be in the 20's. (68-75 F) for my American friends. Oh Hockey Day!

I Is Employed

2011-05-31T21:48:00.000-07:00

Well I gone and done it. I got me a job.

I got a mere 5 days notice.

The pay is too good to turn down.

I haven't slept in I don't know how many nights.

I start tomorrow.

Crap!

My head is swimming and I can't form a coherent thought.

You think over the weekend I would've meal planned, made meals to freeze and eat and had my house a little more organized. Nope my head is swimming. I need to shave my legs, straighten my hair and sleep.

Logistics suck. And the it's the end of the school year.

Thank-God Aaron is in daycare. That's all I can say.

Nucking Futs

2011-05-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

I forgot Aaron’s lunch today. I realized this halfway to his daycare and there wasn’t time to go home to get it. It was a rushed morning on the heals of a holiday weekend.

My first thought was I’d get him something at McDonald’s and then scolded myself. I was in a rush, he hadn’t had breakfast and there was a Tim Horton’s on the way.

Timmy’s it was. I was proud of myself for choosing a healthier option. I got him a bagel, fruit explosion muffin and 3 Timbits. It would have to do until I could get back there with his lunch. I had class and couldn’t be late.

When I came back a couple of hours later with his lunch a worker pulled me aside.

She gently chastised me for bringing Tim Horton’s into the center. His daycare is a nut free zone, and Tim Horton’s has nut products. I broke the cardinal rule of daycare. No Nuts.

Nukin Futs! I cursed silently.

I consoled myself with the fact that is was 5 O’clock somewhere and that I had 2 bottles of my favourite wine from a recent cross border trip.

How Do I Do It?

2011-05-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

That is, keep my son innocent as long as possible.

I have three-year-old. An immature and innocent little boy whom I'd like to keep that way for a long as I can.

I've been debating switching Aaron's daycare. He's in a great center with great staff. Its drawbacks are its location and the behavior of some of the children.

I know kids are kids and act like kids. I don't mind dirty, screaming, asking questions, and kids who are kids. But I do not like children who are rough. There isn't a no violence policy at Aaron's daycare. I realize kids will be kids, but I don't like seeing children punch each other. Not even not quite 4-year-olds.

One of Aaron's behavior interventionists commented that the children at his daycare seemed high strung. I never thought much of it. But the more I see, the more I think his therapist is right. Kids cry. Mine does, nearly every day. It's expected. But it seems almost every time I picking Aaron up or dropping him off, someone is crying.
Again not a reason to switch him daycares, but I don't want him around kids who use their fists before there words. He will see this enough when he hits kindergarten. He's doesn't need to be around it for the next 2.5 years.

I hesitate to switch him out of his daycare as he has made some connections with the staff and with Eric deploying and his presence being inconsistent when he is posted to a sea going ship. But I don't want him around problematic children either.

I am viewing daycares and putting him on wait lists. I hope I am making the right decision.

A Day and Then Some

2011-05-08T21:41:00.000-07:00

I was going to write about the differences in my first Mother's Day where I did not "feel" like a mom due to post partum depression versus now but that post will have to wait till post exam and post dad visit.

Today has not been my day that is for sure. Or more so it started last night. I live in a very old house. And she decided to rear her ugly head last night.

It was apparent when I went downstairs to flip laundry that my utility sink had spaghetti sauce in it. My first thought was WTF? Nobody was doing dishes down in basement. It soon became apparent that my kitchen sink was leaking into my utility sink. (The pipes are all connected.)

Naturally, I did what any girl would do. I went to the store and got some Liquid Plumbr foaming pipe snake for my kitchen sink. It usually solves the problem.

Not last night.

In the afternoon my dad was running a load of clothes (he’s over for the weekend visiting “helping out” with Aaron. I saying “helping out” as he means well but disregards a lot of I say on how act with Aaron and how to use my house and causes me more stress than good.) And the utility sink was not draining when the washing machine flowing into it. (I have a lovely plumbing system in my house.)

We avoided a overflow of the sink by 3 inches! I promptly turned off the machine and sent my dad to the store for more Liquid Plumbr.

After the sink slowly drained, I administered it with the instructions to my dad to not use the washing machine, kitchen sink or utility sink until an hour had passed and I could pour boiling water down the utility sink.

Simple instructions. Right?

Sure if your anyone but my dad.

Before an hour had passed and he asked me if he could use the washing machine and I said No.

Next thing I know, he in the kitchen washing dishes! Ugh.

That hour was wasted as cold water had leaked down to the utility sink and all the foaming action of the Liquid Plumbr was wasted. After it sits for an hour, hot water activates whatever agents are needed to finish to job.

You think this would be only one upset of my day. But it’s not. I was baby sitting my son’s friend and figured two adults to two kids no problem. Yeah no.

As I said my dad means well but doesn’t listen to parenting instructions which really makes for a difficult day.

I would rather be on my own with two toddler boys then have my dad around at times. I am not trying to sound ungrateful, I am not. But when I ask him to not do something and he disregards that or wakes up little boys I am trying nap or makes so much noise they can’t fall asleep I get a little pissy.

And throwing trying to study for an exam tomorrow. Yeah, today has been stressful.

There were a few tantrums and hysterics from Aaron to. But such is life with him. If I am stressing, he picks up on it.

All in all, it wasn’t a bad Mother’s Day. Eric got my gift card for my favourite make up store and my boy fell asleep in my arms.

I am onto round 2 of Liquid Plumbr for the utility sink and will be happy lady when I see a plumber tomorrow as a sink shouldn’t be back flowing sand and dirt into it.

I Don’t Recognize Myself

2011-05-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

Something in me has changed over the last day or so and I don’t know what to account for that change. Eric is away right for the next 2 weeks so it is just Aaron and I. Something is different about me.

I am calmer with Aaron and OMG I actually WANT to clean. If you know me, I lack a lot of patience when it comes to parenting. I also loathe cleaning with a passion! And if the task can be put off, then by God it will be put off!

I have had a very busy 24 hours as outlined in my two brief posts I wrote yesterday. I was able t among all the stuff I had to do, I actually parented Aaron the way I would want to be parented.

There were a few moments when he was going into full blown toddler meltdown mode and my reaction to the situation would either add fuel to the fire or diffuse it.

I don’t remember exactly what the situation was as we have many situations like these through out our days and I am just too tired to remember.

There was one moment yesterday where I just wanted to nap. I knew he needed one, I needed one and I nap best when it is just Aaron and I. I don’t know why. Maybe it goes back to our baby days when we would co-sleep for our naps but I usually nap best if he is home with me.

I do miss those days and I miss him being at home with me. I am pretty sure that a job is in the near future for me. I am optimistic but don’t want put the cart too far in front of the horse. I have to submit a security clearance and pending that, I am hopeful that an offer will be made.

Which makes me wonder if I have missed out these last 5 months of Aaron being in daycare instead of him being at home, with me. I tear up thinking about it. Developmentally, we felt it was the best thing for him. And his speech progress is making leaps and bounds. Some of the things that come out of his mouth surprise me and I marvel at him.

I am so thankful that his speech his coming. I really don’t know what to attribute my calm demeanor to, but whoever or whatever I am thankful to.

And I actually cleaned, without being told to. I don’t know what it is but my house’s lack of organization and clutter is eating away at me. I may be this subconscious nesting I feel to do in preparation for going back to work. Because I can see how being organized will make life so much easier especially when everything will fall on me. This includes but is not limited too parenting, cleaning, and getting crap down around the house.

Eric had a big deployment coming up but we don’t know the details or dates which is maddening. But thankfully now that the damn election was over with, the government can make some decisions for our Canadian Forces. (In case you didn’t know, Canada had a federal election yesterday. We have a Conservative majority and the NDP as the official opposition. [That is history in itself])

And yes, I voted.

Even more historic, is the fact that I cleaned out my freezer tonight without a fuss or procrastinating.

Yes, you read right. I Siera, cleaned out my freezer tonight.

Actually, it started as me saying to myself that I would organize it, but in while in the middle of the deed, it was apparent that a wipe down was needed. Thankfully, it was just some debris and spilled vegetables and not raw meat juice.

Sometimes I think that the clean fairies are going to come and rescue me, but in reality only I will rescue me.

Well until Eric gets home or my dad comes for a visit.

Things I Should Care About...

2011-05-02T20:03:00.000-07:00

but don't.

- Our Federal Election and who will ~~lead~~ mess up our country.
- The Vancouver Canucks game
- Osama Bin Dead
- Eric's coming deployment

What I do care about.

- Studying more for my biology quiz tomorrow morning
- Preparing for my job assessment and/or interview tomorrow morning
- My toddler who can now climb out of his crib getting enough sleep
- Packing said toddler's lunch.

On Goings

2011-05-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

In the next 24 hours I have to:

- Study for a quiz for Biology

- Prepare for job interview/test for job with Stats Can

Two big priorities. By myself with a toddler.

This morning I had to have a SLP (speech and language pathologist) meet us at the house.

My plan was nap myself and Aaron, take him back to daycare and study at the library as neither is going on with him at home.

He hasn't napped. Neither have I. Now it's time to take him back to daycare.

On top of studying what has been loaded on me.

-Finding a form to fax for Aaron's Austism Funding Eric was suppose to deal with, which never got done.

-Fax an asset qualification to someone for a government job I've been put in a qualified pool for as I am not sure an email attachment is sufficient. (Due tonight at midnight! Less than 24 hours notice)

I also have to ensure my toddler is happy, attended to, fed nutritious meals and bathed.

And I have to make myself look good for my interview which means more than a jeans, shirt and ponytail.

All on my own.

Burst My Bubble

2011-04-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

It’s no secret that I like my country music. And every now and then I like to get myself a country music fix by heading to a country bar. Sadly, Victoria lacks anything close to resembling a country bar so I get my fill when I visit Vancouver.
I had every intention of doing so this past weekend. I had always wanted to go to Boone County Cabaret, but have never managed to go in the 10 years that I’ve been legal.

This past weekend, I was going to do it. I was still on my country high from my birthday. A friend and I randomly ended up at Gabby’s a few weeks back on my birthday and had a pretty good time not to mention and awesome band!

(Side note: The Steel Toe Boots were awesome. You can really tell in their playing that they love what they do. My friend and I noted that they played Gary Allan’s - Right Where I Need To Be exceptionally well. From reading their Bio on their website, it’s the first song they ever learned.)

So this past Saturday, I headed out to Boone County Cabaret. When Tara and I got there Karen Lee Batten was playing. She is a local BC country singer and I have heard on the radio. I didn’t hear any country songs coming out of her, but it isn’t uncommon for country bands to do a rock song or two. (She was also pleasure to listen too)

Regardless, Tara and I began to dance. We had seen people two stepping so I still thought I was in a country bar.

The band packed up and the DJ started playing some rock music and then club music came on. I still wasn’t put off because even Rooster’s plays a few Top 40 songs.

But it was apparent in my tipsy state that something just wasn’t right. I went and requested a song I could line dance to and the DJ said he couldn’t play it. I was think WTF? And he said they weren’t a country bar any more.

My bubble had been burst! Initially, I was let down, but undeterred. I should’ve clued in that TNB being splattered on an overhead screen. (The New Boone.) I talked to the bouncer and he told me that it was either go bankrupt or change their platform. So they changed their platform. But they didn’t change their signage or décor inside.

Despite all this, I continued to have a good time with Tara and danced the night away. I wasn’t dressed for a club per se; skinny jeans, grey leather boots and a fitted v-neck tee more suited for a country bar as that what I was going for.

I learned a good lesson on my birthday. Don’t wear flip flops to a country bar. In my defense on my birthday we were graced with some spring like weather and I HAD no clue I’d end up at Gabby’s. It’s near impossible to line dance in flip flops but I did manage to do it!

But it wasn’t an experience I cared to repeat.

And I didn’t because I didn’t go to a country bar.

Party Success

2011-04-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

Cake, completed with train and candle.

Aaron's party was success! And I am bagged. I probably waited until the last minute to do things like clean the house and cut up fruit and veggies for the party trays. It's is apparent that my house is too small to host a party and 5 kids including Aaron and a smattering of parents reinforced this.

The weather has been crap otherwise I would've had it outside.

I am tired, and zonked and should be studying for test I have on Wednesday. I have back to back cake decorating courses this Monday and Tuesday which leaves little room to study. I'll be posting more pics of my creations as they happen.

-------

I was reading over my archives and actually found a post I wrote when Aaron stopped waiving when he learned it which lead to my calling the public health nurse which lead to speech therapy which lead to a referral for an autism assessment. To think if I hadn't called the public health nurse we may have gone unaware of Aaron's autism until he was school age. I was reading another one I wrote a few days after and I wrote that he didn't point to things, which is another flag. I can't believe how much I blogged two years ago. I am so glad we got a diagnosis when we did. I am off to study.

Birthday Cake

2011-04-02T00:02:00.000-07:00

It's Aaron's 3rd Birthday today. I don't know where the time has gone. Three years ago tonight we were in the hospital in the middle of a near sleepless night. Tonight, I will sleep. I am up later than usual, but needed to share pictures of his birthday cake I just made for his party tomorrow.

The detail is butter cream. The side and top are whipping cream.

I used whipping cream to ice it instead of butter cream frosting and OMG what a mistake. Butter cream is SO much easier to work with. I made him a train cake and tomorrow I will mount one of his Thomas Train's on it because actually decorating Thomas would take 3 hours. And I am not so keen on it as I was with his dinosaur cake.

Road Trip Spring Break 2011 Part 1

2011-03-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

I am nearly home from my road trip adventure. I'd love to say that I had the best trip ever and the epic times were had and that this will go down in the history as of the best trips I have ever had, but I can't.

What I can tell you that travelling when your sick with more than the sniffles, is ill advised. Or maybe ill advised if your me. The point of this trip was some much needed R&R. 4 days after putting Eric and Aaron in a plane, and I no more rested than I was when they left.

If you can't speak, then it's probably not a good idea to embark on a road trip or not with someone who wants to do a lot of sight seeing. Originally, Tara and I were suppose to do Seattle but that somehow turned into Portland and Oregon.

She said she wanted to go somewhere she normally wouldn't get to see and that somehow turned as she “could see Seattle any day.”

The point of this post isn't too complain about my friend's lack of understanding of what parenting is and once your a parent your needs will come second to your children's 95% of the time but highlight some of the places we saw and people we encountered.

We left my dad's place shortly after 11am and we made it across the border at 1pm. We headed straight down the I-5 until we reached Marysville and stopped into Taco Bell lunch and headed on down the I-5.

We made pretty good timing and were very close to Portland and we noticed that bridge was up so stopped off in Vancouver, WA for some dinner. We drove around a bit and ended up at the Brickhouse downtown I assume.

There was a full St. Patrick's Day celebration in full swing and I felt out of place not being in green... we we're ID's by a kid who couldn't have been more than 14. We headed to the lounge and ordered our dinner. My mushroom and Swiss burger and Caesar salad were standard pub fare. Our server was attentive and our well drinks were generous. (One thing to be said about America from most bars I've frequented, is that they pour generous drinks! Unlike here in Canada where every drop of alcohol is measured cause heaven forbid someone not pay for that tiny last drop or alcohol!)

I was more keen on observing our surroundings. From what I observed, a girl wasn't going to denied a waitressing job if she wasn't a perfect size 2, and the more tattoos and piercings one had the better. Every waitress in there had tattoos on her arms and/or chest. If I were to apply there I fear I wouldnt' be hired for my lack of visible tattoos.

After dinner, we headed over the bridge into Portland and to our accommodations at the Downtown Value Inn. True to it's name it was value. I read some bad reviews about it, but when your paying $67 per night to stay downtown right near a street car and university campus you can't complain. It was clean and quiet and the staff/owners were pleasant and let us park our car for free the next day after check out to explore Portland. So I wasn't surprised when there were cigarette burns on some of the furniture. We were there to sleep not stay in a hotel.

We checked in, got changed and headed out to check out the Portland nightlife on St. Patricks' Day. We wanted to hit up Portland's Celtic Festival but I'll be damned if I was paying $25 cover to enter a tent playing music and an Irish Bar.

We wanted to go to another pub across the street but there was a line up too long to to even consider staying in. We ended up at the Ash. St. Saloon and took in punk show by some random band. It was clear, that we were over dressed in our clean green shirts, jeans and shoes. In order to fit in here, I would need to be sporting a full on sleeve of tattoos, tattoos on my chest/back of neck, have more piercings than I currently have or not have showered for a week, or wore last weeks clothes from the bottom of my hamper or worn every ripped/torn piece of clothing I owned.

But then again I am not a punk or listen to punk music but the people were nice and the drinks were cheap and plentiful. After 45 minutes or so here we moved next door to some random pub with a juke box which seemed to cater to an all over crowd but more so blue collared/college students. We fit right in. Our night did not end here, but that will have to wait as I need to get my boys from the air port soon.

I can't wait to see Aaron and I know he is dying to see me. He started to cal me "Mommy" a week ago when wants me instead of whining from his crib in the morning I hear "Mommy!" It's music to my ears.

B is for Basement!

2011-03-14T19:09:00.000-07:00

The title of this post has no relevance to this post. Usually when Aaron sees the letter 'B' he will say "B, basement!" He learned this from riding elevators.

It's been too long since I wrote a post. We're sick. Well Aaron and I are. I have a cold and he has an ear infection. He is getting on plane in 2 days time. The timing couldn't be worse. The doctor at the walk-in clinic suggested that Aaron go on antibiotics as he will be flying and that we administer Advil or Tylenol for the pain. This is all fine and dandy but it's is Eric who will be taking him not me. When he is sick it's me he wants or my dad. I am not accompanying them as all is still not well with the MIL.

What I am doing is attempting a road trip with Tara. As soon as I drop Eric and Aaron off at the airport, I am heading to Vancouver. We heading to Oregon. We had thought of trying to make it to San Francisco, but that is just too crazy. We don't know where we are going for sure, but we will most likely be spending St. Patrick's Day in Portland. If we do make it there I plan on going to an Irish Pub downtown that serves great Irish Nachos.

So I am childless, job less and on Spring Break. I will letting the Good Times Roll. And Tara and TM are no longer an item, so all should be well!

Denial

2011-03-02T11:59:00.000-08:00

I have been going through a lot of denial these past few days and weeks. Aaron's ASD diagnosis is just part of who he is and I've maintained that I won't let it change him or define us as a family. It's just another fact of our lives. This came crashing down around me after meeting with a local chapter here I wonder what life will hold for Aaron.

It was my hope that by the time he is school age an entering kindergarten that he will not need in class support and only need supplemental support outside of school. I am beginning to wonder if that will ever be the case. My biggest fear for him is that he will be teased mercilessly by his peers and bullied and come home to me in tears. I was teased as child and bullied. So was my dad. We're pretty sure my dad is on the spectrum. He's being referred to someone who can diagnos him. If he does have ASD, it would explain why my dad is so socially awkward. I think I was bullied due to the fact that my mom never took the time to socialize me and sat on her ass and watched TV or read her books in my early years.

That's one thing that Aaron doesn't lack,. I've always taken him to playgroups and had play dates and he has 2 friends that we see often and he asks for. But I wonder if it is enough?

One thing I got from the other parent was that families with children with ASD seem to gravitate towards each other and spend a lot of time together. I am all for being around people like us BUT don't want to let Aaron's Autism shape and change every dynamic of our life. I hope he can still integrate with his peers and that he can be a normal child.

I am also a little disappointed with how slowly our service provider is at doling out intervention. I'd like to see some things starting soon so that he can benefit from it. So far we've had a 2 hour assessment and that's it.

Denial is really a big part of me. Aaron will be 3 in less than a month! How the hell did that happen? All I can think about right now is that last little bit of my pregnancy. It was a happy time for the most part. Tim Horton's has Rrrrrrolll up the Rim going on right now which always reminds me of my last month of pregnancy as I got a Tim Horton's coffee dang near every day. It was my vice, and I had 2 right around the corner from me. It's those little things I miss.

I don't think I will ever have a second child. I do not know this, but am pretty sure that will be the case. It's something I've wavered back and forth with and with Aaron having ASD, it's not a chance that I think I am willing to take. I believe there is as 1 in 4 chance any future children I have would have it but don't quote me on that. And with ASD, who knows where on the spectrum that child might fall and what quality of life said child may have. There's no doubt in my mind that Aaron inherited Autism from my side of the family, something I don't want to impart on any future children.

On Goings

2011-02-24T22:47:00.000-08:00

An update is needed. I just don’t have it in me at the moment to blog. I’ve been busy. Between school and interviewing service providers for Aaron I am lucky to get good nights sleep, which I normally do not get. I am lucky if I get to watch Grey’s Anatomy within 24 hours of its airing. If I do, I am getting in my ME time.

Eric and I chose a service provider for Eric’s therapy. Having an autism diagnosis enters in a whole new kettle of fish. I wasn’t just going to go with anyone. In British Columbia, once your child is diagnosed you apply for funding for therapy, get approved and find a provider.

I have heard that it’s best to find one that offers all services under their belt and other parents have said hire individually as you get more bang for your buck. At this point, I just want to get therapy implemented and if I feel that Aaron’s needs aren’t being met we will reevaluate things.

I still have yet to connect with other parents in the area walking this walk. It’s most frustrating… but most people volunteer with these organizations.

I am sitting at B right now in Bio. Not too shabby considering I haven’t been applying myself as much as I’d like to with all this stuff with Aaron my mind is elsewhere. And I’ve had a cold I haven’t been able to get over; Eric and I are having issues – which contribute to my not sleeping. Some of my friends have some major life issues going on that need my support, so not too shabby. I wish things weren’t so with my friends and wish I could help but sometimes all I can do is listen.

I did manage to watch Grey’s Anatomy tonight. I was thinking of a post that SIF did the other day about infertility in TV land and the unrealisms (I just made this up) of it is pissing me off. By no means, am I an IF expert but I have an avid interest in it and have been reading blogs for years, and was almost an egg donor so I think I know a few things.

Last week Meredith was getting a shot in the ass as part of her fertility treatment… Which I know is protocol in some IF cases BUT to my limited knowledge a shot in the ass is for an HCG shot to trigger the eggs just before they’re collected and when a woman is injecting progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. If eggs are being produced en masse for an IVF cycle I believe the fertility drugs are injected in the stomach.

In tonight’s episode, Meredith’s vision is effected because of the fertility drugs… A dr. told her to stop taking them, and she said “But I only have 2 pills left in this cycle.” So what is it? Injections or pills? I wish the writers over at Grey’s Anatomy could do their homework a little better. What are they paying these researchers for?

This is what’s been on my mind. In my sleeplessness and stress I’ve got a few good pimples that need my attention before I hit the hay as I am flying solo with Aaron for the next 2 weeks so I need all the sleep I can get.

My Valentines Days Over the Years!

2011-02-14T12:23:00.000-08:00

***Side note. I just went out to the car to get my cell phone and I saw 26 cents on the front seat that I grabbed and immediately thought of the song 26 Cents by The Wilkinsons. As soon as I came into the house is started up on the Galaxy Radio I had on TV. Freaky! And what does it mean???***

I have a lot of stuff going on in my life at the moment and I thought I’d pause and sum up my valentines days over the years some are funny some or not.

1990 (Grade 2) I remember watching the grade 7 girls get ready in the bathroom for their Valentines Day dance. One was too shy to wear the little back dress she was wearing and donned a t-shirt over it. I couldn’t WAIT until I was in grade 6 and 7 to go a Valentines Day dance! The girls were do mature and worldly!

1994 (Grade 6): I went to my first school dance held in after lunch in the gym. The girls were on one side of the gym and boys on the other. Classical. I actually danced with a boy (a 7th grader! Older man) with my hands on his shoulders and his hands on my hips. The aftermath of that was a crush and a few notes passed back and forth and nothing. But of course it was a BIG deal at the time.

1995 (Grade 7): I don’t remember anything of note mark any significance.

1996 (Grade 8): The boy I had a MAJOR crush on at junior high accompanied along with his friend to the corner store on our lunch break. It was a beautiful spring day (it really was) and I was in love. To get to said store we had to cross the ground of my old elementary school I remember former classmates asking me if he was my boyfriend to which I replied “were just friends.” Secretly hoping one day that would change.

1997: (Grade 9) I was at new high school and the boy of my affections was at my old junior high school. I think the focus was giving and receiving candy grams to and from friends. My friends and I probably discussed the object of our affections over lunch. My youth group at church held pot luck and he was there! He told me I put too much lemon in my Caesar salad dressing but otherwise liked it. I was convinced we would be married one day as he was already criticizing my cooking!

1998: (Grade 10) Nothing stands out for this year aside from the candy grams to send and receive from friends. I think I may have had a school crush but was too shy to do anything about it. I did have a grade 10 crush, but can’t remember what point during the year that he was the object of my affection

1999: (Grade 11) I spent the afternoon with a guy that I wasn’t certain I liked or not. Valentines Day fell on a Sunday. We went for a walk around the lake by my house and he got me a chocolate heart that he had taken a bite out of. Classy class. I think he saw another girl after me, but I am not too sure. If he did, I didn’t care as I was uncertain about him.

2000 (Grade 12): On the heals of a break up with my first real boyfriend of 8 months we agreed to spend it together. We went out to dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory and I was home early. I can’t recall if we fooled around in the back seat of his car or not. I never should’ve spent it with him as I hurt him when I broke up with him and it was kind of adding salt to wound.

After he dropped me off, I went over to a guy’s house that I was seeing and we made-out and watched a movie. No pressure. Not my finest moment. I think I liked his car more than him.

2001: After the heals of ANOTHER break up with the first boyfriend he refused to spend V-tines Day with me. He learned from his mistakes. One month shy of my 19th birthday, a friend told me to hit a club with her and her friends (if I got in, which I did.) There was a group of guys and girls that were friends of friends and I met my soon-to-be-rebound boyfriend. It didn’t last long. We made-out that night, he drove me to the Skytrain and we dated for a month. While I was in the Skytrain Station waiting do my train some drunk guy slurredly and asked me to be his valentine. I said I had one and tried to ignore him until my train arrived.

2002: I really don’t remember this one at all. So nothing significant happened. I probably worked

2003: I was suppose to spend it with my dad, but we got into a fight and I high tailed it to Victoria to Eric’s. He worked that day and we were celebrating it on the Sunday. So I spent it travelling to Victoria and alone at Eric’s place while I waited for him to get off work the next morning. We celebrated on the Sunday night with dinner out at the The Swan Cafe. It would be come a favourite eatery of ours.

2004: I spent Valentines Day with a sick friend as Eric was back east on course.

2005: I met Eric in Seattle on the 13th where his ship was. He got us a room at fancy hotel downtown and we had the best pasta I have ever tasted some restaurant a few blocks away from our hotel. I can’t remember the name of it for the life of me but it started with a P and may have been near Bell Town?

2006: I had an Anti-Valentines Day party with my single friends at my buddy’s apartment as Eric was deployed. It consisted of myself, Sally, Adam (buddy) and his obnoxious roommate and a case of Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and a bottle of Bacardi. It was a good night complete with Sally and I passing out and Adam’s ex-gf coming over to pay him a late night visit. Obnoxious roommate passed out by himself.

2007: At the moment I am drawing a blank sad I know.

2008: I baked Eric an apple pie he got me my favourite candies which I picked out lol and we went for dinner at the Swan Café completed with a trip to labour and delivery because I thought was in early labour at 32 weeks. What I thought were contractions was constipation. I didn’t think L&D would actually call my midwife and make her come in. All I wanted them to do was an internal and tell me everything was okay and send me on my way. But NO, they made her come. I felt awful.

2009: Drawing a blank. I blame it on baby brain.

2010: Eric took me out for dinner at The Mint. We had a good time followed by a drive.

2011: No plans. I am making Eric a pie he will (hopefully) get me a card. I did cards for Aarons’ daycare classmates (hell he isn’t even 3! And it’s already started) and made cupcakes for his daycare. When I left, he was hugging me around my neck as I put my shoes on from behind. Nothing is sweeter than hugs from my little man!

***EDIT*** Eric got me card, a candy, a bottle of white Bacardi and a bottle Beringer White Zinfandel. It was a good Valentines Day.

Happy Valentines Day!

A Lot on My Mind

2011-02-10T12:06:00.001-08:00

We got Aaron’s diagnosis. He has been disagosied with Autism Disorder. That’s the official diagnosis. They no longer say “Asperbergers” Or “High Functioning Autism.” I think that is the most frustrating as when you tell people that they don’t know where to place him. At first glance you think he is a happy normal child. It’s only upon close inspection you can note some things that are different.

This is a lot for Eric and me to process. It’s kind of like a cold slap on the face. You get a diagnosis and have all these questions and the team who diagnosed him are like “here’s a binder” to get the ball rolling. Like WTF? I have questions can you at least not answer them then and there?

I still don’t know all that is involved. The binder does lay it out pretty well. But I’d rather have a human tell me. I talked to Tara for a good long while last night as she has worked with ASD kids (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) she had a lot of useful info.

The first step is to get the funding needed and then to start interviewing service providers which will help with his therapy. I don’t know how much he will need or for how long. I still have yet to figure this out.

One thing I know is I don’t want ASD to define his life or who he is. I don’t even know if I will tell him as it may be who he becomes. My hope is by the time he is school aged and entering kindergarten this will be behind us and I don’t have to tell his school so he can start life fresh with no labels or for people to judge him before they know him

I can see how when this happens how other things can take a back burner. My volunteering as fallen behind, I don’t know what this bodes for school. And finding a job is probably out of the question as I will need to take him to therapy several times per week. Hopefully my 1 and soon to be 2 class schedule can be accommodated.

Did I Over React or Do I Have a Right To Be Pissed?

2011-02-05T16:09:00.000-08:00

I wrote this diddy up over in my communtiy at Blog Frog. I normally don't seek relationship advice but it's about a difference of opinions with Eric. I'd love input as I really don't know if I am in the right or wrong.

I Don't Like It Lying Down

2011-02-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

Some of you may wonder what I do all day while Aaron is at daycare? You know as I am unemployed and and have nothing else to do but sit on,my butt all day and read blogs ~~and blog~~. Well one of the things I do to pass time is get inked! And instead of getting something small as per the norm for me. I went big. Bigger than any of my previous tattoos.

Final product.

Eric got me a gift certificate for a tattoo for Christmas. I got a tattoo with it a few weeks ago. I know I wanted a black and grey flower of some sort and was pretty sure I wanted a lily. The artist drew this on me by hand. I am very happy and very pleased with it! The only thing I am not pleased with is this one hurt like a bitch. And I had to get while laying down. I have never gotten a tattoo laying down before. I've always straddled a chair and I prefer that. Laying down, I couldn't read and had nothing to take my mind off of the pain. Last time I barely felt it. This time I felt like a baby. But the pain is beauty, and a beauty this one is!

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On the serious side of things. Since my unemployed ass can't find a job I started school this week. I am upgrading high school courses and want to apply for nursing. I've also thought of another job alternative the most wouldn't think of. I am giving very serious thought to joining either the Army/Navy/Air Force Reserves. I've found a unit and a trade I like and have to get my paper work in. I will not specify which branch of the Canadian Forces I will joining as would be too easy to pin point me. Going this route means I will not deploy, I will work part-time one evening and 2 weekends per month which will allow me to stay home with Aaron (not deploy) contribute to my family's income, get some experience to add to the resume and it's something I can do while going to university should I get accepted into my program.

Now I just need to get my ass in shape as Basic Training will kill me. (Held on weekends.)

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On the autism front, Aaron's assessments are next week. We dont' know what to think or make. Some days we think he is a normal little boy other days some of his behaviors perplex us. Regardless of the outcome it's better to know than not. Aaron continues to develop at daycare and is participating in circle time and games. 2 months ago he never would've done this. I am still glad we decided to put him in. It's one of the best parenting decisions I think we've made for him.

I Meddled and It Feels Good!

2011-01-29T22:17:00.000-08:00

I am smiling from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat since I woke up this morning The only way to describe my feeling of euphoria is that giddiness one experiences in the beginning of a new relationship.

I guess I should back up a bit. I had a good friend Krista come out and visit me for a week and I had an acquaintance Eric’s I wanted to introduce her to. She’s been through a lot in the last year and is in a place emotionally where she has expressed an interest in dating and I immediately thought of Chris.

Knowing them both to be shy people, I thought they would click but I had a dilemma.
Being that Eric was out of town, I had no way to get the two to meet. Chris and Eric don’t hang out one on one and since Eric was out of town I was at a loss as to how to introduce the two.

I mentioned my idea to Eric and Chris’s mutual friend Derek and he thought it was a good idea but we still didn’t know how to execute our plan. We both agreed that nobody likes to be set up so I had we had to go about it in a way that neither would suspect they were being set up.

I was thinking we could just happen to run into Derek and Chris while we were out but Derek knew Chris would smell a set up. So he suggested we get a group of people together and hit up a pub.

A time and place was set. All we had to do was get everyone who needed to be there, there.

Easier said than done. Chris so happened to have an obligation earlier in the evening a Krista was starting to feel run down as she caught Aaron’s cold (My baby had a 39.5 Celsius fever this week at one point.) and wanted to go home early. I convinced her to stay and even gave up my room so she could have an uninterrupted night of sleep so she’d be ready to go on Friday night.

Friday rolled around. And we made it to said pub. I saw some old friends I hadn’t seen in a long time and even brought along another friend. Everyone was drinking and talking and having a good time. Eventually Chris should up and everyone who needed to be there was.

Krista and Chris where not sitting anywhere near each other so things weren’t going where I had hoped. Here enters some musical chairs and they ended up sitting next to each other and I guess they eventually struck up a conversation. I was lost in my own conversation and the next thing I know Chris had his arm around Krista and he’s telling me he’ll be picking her up in the morning and taking her for coffee and driving her to the ferry! I never expected that! He said he wanted to get to know her when they were both sober.

Very admirable of him. There was more drinking and dancing and a good time was had by all.

I was quite pleased with myself. And he showed up to pick her up this morning. Things were a little awkward at first but I think hey got on well. She texted me to say they had a good time. I don’t know what will come of it if anything… both being so shy I assume both will be too shy to contact the other. But a seed has been planted.

Actually two seeds were. My other friend and a guy who happened to be out with us hit it off.

Just call me The Meddler.

When He is Away

2011-01-21T07:00:00.000-08:00

*This is not a paid add by Drano. I just reference it a lot.*

I should be doing the dishes right now. I had actually planned on doing them after Aaron went to bed. I loathe doing dishes. But I can’t. So I am blogging. Eric is away for work and I wanted to get ahead of myself and keep the house in some sort of order instead of letting it fall into a its usual state if chaos when Eric is a way.

I planned on doing the larger dishes, but alas I can’t. I don’t why this shit always goes down when Eric is away usually on the first day too. My freaking kitchen sink is clogged. It isn’t anything I haven’t dealt with before and I am all pro. I was just about the get the Drano but the damn sink wasn’t draining.

(I am used to unclogging the kitchen sink as Eric is in the habit or rinsing dishes containing high fat content without running hot water or rinsing dishes that should be scrapped into the garbage. I think this house keeps Drano and Liquid Plumber in business.)

So instead of busting out the Drano I busted out a metal coat hanger. While trying to unclog the sink 3 or 4 little straws floated up to the surface. (The ones for Aaron’s Rubbermaid drink containers) I thought I’d found the culprit. But the drain is still clogged. My hope is that it will drain over night and I can administer a shot of Drano in the a.m.

Our house is falling apart. In our entire time in the condo we didn’t own a plunger. (We didn’t need to.) My shower knob is stripped so I can’t pull the lever out to have a shower unless I use pliers which will most likely become a permanent fixture in our bathroom until our land lady sends someone to look at it. This just happened yesterday and I’ve yet to call her. NOTE TO SELF: CALL LAND LADY FIRST THING IN THE A.M.

I don’t know why it is, but the random shit happens around the house whenever Eric is gone. The first time Eric sailed Aaron’s crib bar became detached as soon as he had left and I had a tired crying toddler to deal with. There was no going back to sleep once that was dealt with.

Or the time the toilet was clogged I had to hire a plumber to auger the toilet as I hadn’t augered it vigorously enough. I paid him $80 to the same thing I did. An auger has a permanent spot in out bathroom closet behind the kitty litter.

Or the time I came home from Vancouver and my fridge had become unplugged for a few weeks.

Yup. This shit always happens when Eric is away. Why I don’t know. Maybe it’s something or someone telling me I can handle the things life throws at me. The joys of being a military wife. I am quite handy around the house when I have to be. Eric deals with the technical and handy stuff around when he is here. But if he isn’t I don’t mind rolling up my sleeves. Being raised my dad who is the most technically illiterate person I’ve ever met in my life was good training for being a military wife.

Just the other day, I was at his house and his PC wasn’t working. He started to freak out and I take a look, and all that had happened was the cable from his monitor to his tower had become unplugged. He is too lazy to do basic troubleshooting before assuming the worse.

A post of ramblings this is really.

An update on the old clog. The sink has drained and I’ve administered Drano. I think this is a job for Drano Max Gel. I’ve got only regular Drano. Hopefully I’ll be able to wash some dishes soon.

How to Teach a Drunk Girl to Pee

2011-01-20T14:15:00.000-08:00

It's not often that I am inspired by a post to post myself. But I was today thanks to Maundering Mutterer by this post.

Back in my drinking days when I was at the rip old age of 19 or 20. I can't remember I had a partner in crime, Jen. Jen and I were attached at the hip and did almost everything together. She even hung around my place sometimes when I went to work. A sleepover could easily turn into a weekover. She was my drinking buddy and I saved her butt many times when she was drunk. I love her. But one thing she isn't is a graceful drunk. She can't hold her liquor very well either.

Our usual routine for the better part of a year was to go to the same local watering hole time and again week after week. In retrospect I don't know what the appeal was. We drank with the same people, at the same place, danced to the same songs and woke up with the same hangovers.

Many a times in the nicer weather we'd walk a few km. (5.5 km to be exact) back to my place. One of the things that would happened on our drunken walks home was copious amounts of bladder relieving.

One time I remember Jen bellowing out to me as she was squatting behind a KFC. "I can't pee! I always pee on myself." Drunk as I was I remember thinking "How the hell does she manage to do that? "

Being the problem solver that I was I had to think of solution for Jen.

And it came to me!

Crab walking.

Having to pee myself, I mossied on up to her, yanked down my pants and squatted. I took it one step further and placed my hands next to me on the ground and crabbed walked forward my legs forward so my butt was behind my feet and showed her how it was done. Don't worry about peeing on your hands as your butt should be far enough away from your hands to be in the clear.

This is how I taught a drunk girl to pee.

He Shows Signs

2011-01-12T14:44:00.000-08:00

WTF does that mean? Aaron had part one of his autism assessment this morning (Last week). We met with a developmental pediatrician. We went through his history, my pregnancy, concerns we had and he had a brief physical exam. This is part one of three.

I asked the pediatrician if he thinks Aaron has autism and he said that he has symptoms on the spectrum. After our first appointment we are still no closer to having a diagnosis or answers. I asked the doctor what we need to be doing as parents and HOW we should parent Aaron and he didn't have answer. The only answer I got was that we will need to learn to see the world through Aaron's eyes. That I can do but how??

I left the appointment angry. I am not angry with Aaron or myself. But the whole fucking process. WHAT doI need to be doing for my son?? I want to know the HOW and the WHAT! We won't have answers until we see the child psychologist and speech therapist the second week of February. I wish that someone could point in a direction. I wish there was a book I could have recommended to me to read about Autism or high functioning autism. On how to parent kids on the spectrum. I hate this and I feel like my hands are tied until I get a diagnosis.

Aaron's daycare has been more informative on this whole process having seeing kids go through this before. I wish there was a parent support group I could go to. I just feel like I have no clue what I am doing and I am failing Aaron as a mom.

He's gaining daily and weekly in his speech, but a lot of it is parroting. So I still don't know what to think. Last night, I took him to McDonald's (Yes we do go there now and then. The play places are free!) With a friend so the boys could play in the play place and he kept saying his friend's name which he hadn't done before. He plays with his friends which is encouraging. He interacts, he socializes. One thing that autism is based on. Socialization. I could go on forever about my thoughts and feelings. But it would be moot.

I am still sick and writing that test while sick didn't bode well for me and I am no longer in the running for that government job.

No Recap

2011-01-03T20:59:00.000-08:00

I am not going to do a 2010 recap or Christmas post for that matter. I neglect my blog A LOT. I know I am a terrible blogger.

I feel like ass. I am sure I am a cold/flu is coming on and I have pretty bad case of candida. I am achy. I popped my Advil Cold & Sinus and even that didn't perk me up. I think I belong in bed with some Canesten.

There is much that I want to blog about. But not getting sicker and preparing for the first appointment of three for Aaron's Autism assessment this week is high on my list of priorities. As is applying for work. And preparing for an aptitude test for a coveted job competition with the provincial government.

I must be brushing up on my long division and vocabulary.

I haven't really made any New Years Resoltions unless you count not going into 2011 or anything for that matter with expectations. As my expectations haven't been met recently, so if I have none, I can't get let down. It's how I went into NYE and it worked well for me. So far, so good. But we are only 3 days in.

I wish you all a happy 2011.

Once a Mom, Always a Mom.

2011-01-01T23:31:00.000-08:00

My New Years Eve wasn't what I thought it would be. Having secured a baby sitter a month in advance, I had plans. I had BIG plans. I haven't been thoroughly drunk on New Years in years. It's been so long, I can't remember. This year was to be the YEAR! I had a baby sitter! Not just any sitter, but a FREE baby sitter. And a trusted sitter. My aunt. What more could a mom want? A safe baby sitter for a child so she could go and have a care free night.

Once I had secured my aunt to baby sit, I immediately wanted to figure out a plan and decide who I'd be spending it with. One thing was certain, I wanted to spend it with Tara. I called her and she readily agreed to spend NYE with me. We didn't have a specific plan per se. We knew it would involve alcohol and a care free night.

As New Years approached we still didn't have a game plane. Nobody wanted to commit to anything. We couldn't rally other people together. I like house parties, but all my Vancouver friends are scattered and I don't hang out with one specific group. Before Christmas, Tara and I decided that we wanted to go to a ticketed event downtown Vancouver of some sort. We still didn't have a venue. Throughout all this time we both maintained that we didn't want TM (he boyfriend? IDK WTF he is to her) to be part of our plans.

A few days before NYE we decided we wanted to go to a pub. Which one didn't matter. She left it up to me. I picked one a random. When I was trying to buy a ticket online, is where we ran into problems. I had called the pub and the been advised where to buy tickets online. Said task proved to be more difficult than I thought. I searched by date, venue, event, NYE, I googled and I couldn't get a link. So I said F*** it. We'll go else where.

So I made a back up plan. Throughout this, Tara and I were texting and/or talking on the phone. I got a text at 10:30pm on Tuesday night that TM wanted to join us.

The ball had just dropped. I can't stand the guy. Nor could I stand to spend an evening with him. It just wasn't happening. Having already had an emotional day, I told Tara that I would talk to her about it in the morning and that wasn't up to discussing it.

In the course of a night, I made a decision. I wasn't going to put Tara in a position to choose between a friend and her boyfriend. I accepted an invitation to another friend's place. I felt good about the decision. It would be a quiet girls night in with food, drinks, games and movies. After a Christmas and family that failed to live up to my expectations, I wanted to go into NYE having none.

I told Tara this the next morning. I assured her I wasn't mad at her. But that I wasn't up to dealing with TM and his bull crap.

I had my plans and they were set.

But then TM went an pulled a TM. He got tickets to an event without asking Tara. And event that she didn't want to attend, that he knew she wouldn't want to so he went and bought them tickets because he wanted to go.

She asked me to spend NYE with her. She said she'd take care of pre-drinks at her place and she'd pay for the cab to and from. A house party even came up that we had hope to would come up.

I still said no. She was more than welcome to come to my friend's place and have a girls night in. It was an option.

She thought about it, but as to not ruffle TM's feathers she cowed to him.

I went about my plans. I went to my friend's place for a girls night in. My friend Hailey, has a 5 YO daughter Amber. She would be spending it with us. She also invited two of Amber's friends 2 adorable twin boys to keep her entertained. Cole and Jayden.

The plans were to eat food, watch movies, play games and have girl time.

I ate. I watched movies. And I danced. I drank a wee bit.

I built forts. I got snacks. I got drinks. I supervised movies. I got pillows and blankets.

My NYE was divided between girl time and kid time.

It was apparent from my arrival that Hailey had no activities set up for the kids. I had suggested that we make sundaes or smoothies but she blew them off. I am not THAT MOM. The one who always has an activity lined up for her kid or the day planned out all the time. The mom's I envy. The mom's I feel we born for motherhood. Whose livelihood all day long is her child(ren).

But, I am a mom.

When Aaron takes my hand and wants to show me something, I stop and I take the time. I want him to know that he is loved and that I WANT to spend time with him and nothing is more important than him. (Well maybe making sure the house doesn't burn down when cooking. And that I won't be at his every beck and call, as it's called manners and interrupting and all that)

I am a mom who knows her child need activities and want to feel valued. It was apparent from the time I got to Hailey's that she doesn't value her daughter. That she seemed like a nuisance It was apparent in the way she spoke to her and treated her. When we were downstairs watching movie or dancing all crazy Amber just wanted to join. She wanted to belong, to be one of the grown ups. I remember that when I was a little girl.

She kept saying to her "Amber, go UPSTAIRS!"

It broke my heart. And those little boys Cole and Jayden were two well behaved perfect little angels. And they don't have a mom in their life. Only their dad. I spent a lot of time playing with them, fetching them stuff, and making sure all was well. I told them if they needed anything to let me know and I'd get it. I said I'd help them make another Wii character as there were 2 girls and only 1 boy. And no boy wants to play a girl. So I did. I was a mom.

I knew they grew tired what they were playing with so I made them a fort. When they were hungry, I got them a snack. When they looked like they were ready to go to sleep, I got them blankets and pillows.

I didn't mind. IMO the kids were up way too late and should have been in bed by 10pm, not 1pm. But I am not their mom. Hailey said they could stay up till midnight. So when it was getting close I had them get their coats on and I gather up pots and pans for them to bang. It was a fun night.

The night wasn't what I thought it would be, but it was good night.

I mothered and I got smiles. When I left this morning, I got some smiles out of the boys. I wanted to make them breakfast, but I didn't have time as I had to be back at my dad's, to be with Aaron. If I had had the time, I would've.

One thing that is apparent, and I have always maintained. Some of my old friends, that I have been friends with for years, I don't think we'd be friends as we just don't seem to have things in common. Like parenting.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-29T16:48:00.000-08:00

We parked behind this car at the mall today. It has to mean something right?

First Outing

2010-12-27T23:28:00.000-08:00

When I sat down to write tonight, I was intending to write about the getting there portion of our Christmas. This post focused on my cat, and I wanted to upload some pictures of her from our trip to give you some visuals but, I got side tracked.

The memory card in our camera happened to be one that Eric had in his old cell phone, I am got taken back in time looking at over 600 photos of various memories over the last 2 years. Many of them were of Aaron. Pictures, I have seen in quite some time. And I was lost in time.

I never blogged much about Aaron when he was little. I had post partum depression and blogging was the furthest thing from my mind and I just didn't have the energy for it. A lot of his babyhood/new mommyhood memories have come flooding back with a vengeance and I want to document them before I forget. Hell, I still haven't written his birth story. I wrote half of it last March/April but I never completed it. I only did this little ditty.

Tonight I am going to focus on our first outing.

This is Aaron on his first day home from the hospital at 2 days old. On all of our outings, he would be done up like with candy cane receiving blankets, one covering his lap, another blanket on top and another one to cover him if it was raining. Going out was quite the ordeal.

It was a Saturday and Aaron was 5 days old. My sister came to visit us and she asked how I felt about venturing out of the house. I was up for it. It wasn't anything to exciting, and Aaron was sleeping in 3 hour blocks at this point so it was safe to venture out. I was scared beyond belief that he would wake up and I wouldn't know where/how to feed him. This caused me a great deal of anxiety.

Sometime in the early afternoon we packed Aaron up in his infant seat and diaper bag and off we went to Wal-Mart. I remember my sister telling me I was taking too much stuff in the diaper bag, but being a new mom I thought the more the better. I hadn't left the house at this point except to run up to the drug store with a neighbour and I was gone for 15 minutes at the most.

So we went to Wal-Mart and trolled the baby section. I had Aaron in his infant seat in a shopping cart or a stroller. I think it was the stroller. My sister wanted to buy me a baby gift and I remember her getting him a Tigger outfit and a blue stuffie/blanky square thingy and I probably got a few other items and all was well. He slept through the entire time.

We then headed over to Superstore as my sister wanted to cook a gourmet meal for us (much appreciated!) but I told her I would love some fajitas. I had Aaron in the shopping cart in his car seat. Gloria needed to go off to get something and left me in the produce area. I thought she'd be going a a few minutes but it turned into a life time it seemed. She didn't have a cell phone so I had no way to get a hold of her. Superstore is massive!

I was literally having an anxiety attack although I didn't realize it at the time. I was sweating and panicking that the baby would wake up, and I wouldn't have a clue where to feed him. (He was breast fed and at that point I had only nursed him at home either on the couch or in bed with a breast feeding pillow.) I had to have everything just so before nursing could commence. She being a mother 3 had already been there and done that. ***TMI WARNING.*** (Any man or the squeamish may want to gloss over the rest of this paragraph.) I also wasn't up to using a public bathroom at this point either for fear of getting an infection and needing to use my squirt/douche bottle after every trip to the bathroom. After you give birth vaginally, you will need to douche with warm water after every trip to the bathroom for a few weeks. Not to mention urine stings your stitches (And I only had 4) and cried like a baby every time I went to the bathroom if my IB Profen had worn off.

After what seemed like a life time, and me scanning high and low while not leaving my area of the store for Gloria, she returned much to my relief. I don't know what I said to her, but she didn't think it was a big deal. If there was any indicator that I was headed for some pretty bad PPD, I am sure that outing was one.

Aaron slept through the entire outing, and my anxiety was not needed. He slept right up until we arrived home. We even had the pleasure of a road stop/seat belt check in our neighbourhood much to my surprise on way home. I think we got a chuckle out of the police officer as we explained it was our first outing and everyone passed with flying colours. Even Aaron, crammed into his car seat sans head rest with 2 rolled up receiving blankets wedged next to him like little candy canes.

Our second outing was less anxiety ridden complete with my first breast feeding in public experience. We went to a breast feeding friendly cafe where I knew some mom's. Here entered the new found fear of Aaron coming in contact with outside germs. That is another post for another time.

Let It Rain, Let It Rain, Let It Rain

2010-12-24T23:39:00.000-08:00

That's what's in the forecast for the umpteenth number of days here on the Wet Coast.

That's what the forecast calls for folks! This picture depicts Vancouver on any rain sodden day purrfectly. It's been five years since I've had a Christmas at home and Vancouver has not failed to deliver.

It's rainy, not cold and a balmy 7 degrees. No need to pack snow gear, gloves or a tuke. Only yer umbrella is needed. So far I've yet to capture a Christmas from my childhood. I think it's safe to say that my childhood Christmases are in the past.

Hopefully, next year Aaron will know what is going on and I can live vicariously through his excitement.

I am keeping it real here on the Wet Coast. And so far it`s been gloomy.

We have an autism assessment come January for Aaron. Hopefully some light will be shed. When I got the call for the appointments, I thought I would be relieved, but all I wanted to do was cry after I got off the phone. The realism of this has hit me. And Eric will be away for the second course of Aaron`s evaluation, so I don`t know what this will mean or how I will cope if the findings are positive. I will try to not think about it until then.

Right now I will wish you all a Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

What I Want For Christmas

2010-12-20T22:32:00.000-08:00

Tis the season! All I want for Christmas is to have a Christmas like I did as a little girl. It's not about presents giving or receiving or having a certain tree. I want to be with MY family.

A typical Christmas for me as a child was to spend Christmas Eve at either my mom's or my dad's depending on the year. Followed by dinner at my mom's or my aunt's depending on whose house I spent the night at on Christmas Eve.

If I spent the night at my dad's (my residence) we would do gifts and breakfast then head to my aunt's for a gathering around noon where I would spend a few hours visiting with grandparents and cousins. Then it would be off to my mom's place for dinner.

If I spent Christmas Eve at my mom's, I'd do stockings and presents with my brother and sister(s) depending on the year and then I'd go to my aunt's for dinner.

This year will be the first in four years that I get to spend Christmas at my dad's. My last few Christmases looked like this.

2006: Calgary at Eric's parents place

2007: Our new place that we spent together and my dad joined us for dinner. We made our own traditions going to Butchart Gardens on Christmas Eve, I baked an apple pie and we had homemade waffles for breakfast

2008: Was spent in Calgary at Eric's parents again and my dad flew up so Aaron could spend Christmas with 1.5 half of his grandparents.

2009: Was spent here at home in Victoria and mt dad joined us.

I want this Christmas to be ones like when I was a child. Christmas was a happy time and I want to get that feeling back. I know if I do see my mom on Christmas day it will be short and we'll just stop by. She doesn't do anything for Christmas anymore and it's rather depressing. I can remember on Christmas where she hosted around 15 people for dinner. That was a loud, but fun Christmas as one of my sister's friend and her kids came over.

Nothing is simple anymore. Nothing can be the same I just hope that Aaron cam enjoy his Christmases with fond memories.

Consistently Inconsitent

2010-12-16T12:26:00.000-08:00

- That's the only thing consistent about me. It's true. With blogging, parenting, job searching, driving, keeping house. It's most frustrating and I wish I was better at being consistent.

- I was googling random crap due to boredom and came across a website called. Is It Normal? There is some seriously messed up crap on there if you search it and click on random links.

- On the Aaron front he has started playing with a stuffed animal the other night. He was feeding it a bottle, laying it down, trying to make it stand. This just amazes us as he has never shown any interest in make believe with his animals. He played with it again before bed last night and slept with it and I tucked it in.

- My boobs hurt. I am sure you didn't need to know that BUT for the life of me I couldn't figure out why. The last time they hurt was when I was pregnant and breast feeding. And NO I am not pregnant. I just had my period last week. Then I had an epiphany early this morning while having my one of my middle of the night bathroom trips. (*I have the bladder of an old lady) I just started back on the pill. As any teenage girls knows, the pill makes your boobs bigger. DUH! No wonder my boobs hurt. I have been on the pill pretty much since I was 16 but take a year off when I got pregnant and was pregnant. I went back on it when I was 6 weeks post partum and was on it until I went off it to do all those test for being an egg donor. Needless to say, my body is reacting to being on it.

- Speaking donating, Liz is doing pretty well. We talked on the weekend and she said she might just let it be and not be focused on having a second baby and live her life. We will keep in touch and she will be over here in the new year getting a sonohystogram at the fertility clinic here that the Dr. offered her for free. If anyone reading this lives anywhere near Victoria and wants to see and awesome fertility doctor. I can't recommend Victoria Fertility Center enough. The staff are kindest and most caring people I've ever meet in the medical community and they put their patients first

* A testament at how small my bladder really is. I had to have an ultrasound the other day for bladder issues and I drank the prerequisite 32oz (1 litre) of water required before my procedure and the tech performing it told me I drank too much water for me only need about half that amount next time. I had to pee so bad I was in pain. Lucky me, for once a medical staff was on time. The tech said a vagisound was preferable and if I was comfortable, next time request one. I think it's safe to say that I am.

Why I Shouldn't Drink Coffee After 8pm

2010-12-10T23:46:00.000-08:00

Or a double Americano. When in Rome. I went to a concert/story telling tonight. I went and saw these two women. I was invited and tagged along. It's not in my normal realm of things to do but I am into doing new things and seeing a lesbian duo is well within my comfort zone. So I drank coffee, because there was no wine. I like my coffee, but not late at night. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight.

I really took in what they had to say. The friends that I went with told me that they have seen them play to the straight crowd and hadn't seen them cater to the gay/lesbian angle before. But I get it, it is who they are. I was expecting to laugh more than I did, but being straight some of the humour may have been over my head. I really enjoyed the music and hope to see Kate Reid and Ivan Coyote perform again. Lucky me, they both live in Vancouver so I don't think it will be hard to see.

The one thing I took away from their performance is how important it is that I teach Aaron to be accepting of people for who they are while he is growing up. I may not get how it is the be gay and in the closet or how scary is must be to hide who you are but I get how it is to hide who I am.

What I mean by that was I wasn't accepted much by my peer groups growing up and often felt like an outcast. At times I still do. I don't feel like I for in anywhere at many times. I don't fit in the military wife community, or the 20-something military girlfriend crowd. I don't fit in with the SAHM mom crowd, or the blogging crowd. The people Eric and I hang out with paths do not cross. We don't have couple friends with kids the same age and our friends are entirely different. I have been going through my life most of the time feeling as though I don't belong and I don't want that for Aaron.

I want him to just be a regular kid who isn't picked on like his mother was. I don't want him to be popular or in with any crowd. I don't know how to do this. I try to get him together as often as I can with his "friends" I have a couple of mommy friends and our boys are the same age but half the time play dates don't work out do to scheduling. I really don't know where the hell I am going with this post...

One thing I know I miss happier times. I feel Vancouver calling me all the time and it's a curse and blessing. Victoria still doesn't feel like home to me. Maybe that's my fault. I can go to Vancouver and pick up where I left off with old friends which is a blessing, but it's also a curse because when I am there I miss out on the happenings here. I wish I could be happy in the here and the now, not always wishing I was somewhere else. When I am there, I wish I was here and feel guilty partaking in events with my friends when I leave Aaron for a night. And when I am here, I wish I was there partaking in events with my friends. It's not a fun feeling.

Tara broke up with TM this week and I wish I was out with her while she out at getting to know a hottie co-worker who seems into her. But being at home with the family is more important. This is just verbal diarrhea.

So some updates are in order.

I haven't heard from Liz since I told her my test results. She is crushed to say the least I know while she moves onto her next step in having a baby. I really want to find her a donor, but I'd be jumping the gun on that one.

And here is some really good news. I have a job interview in the coming weeks with the provincial government! Whoa Boy! I am excited. It will be the most involved interview that I have ever had. They gave me the questions so that I could prepare. I won't say what capacity it is in. Being the capital, there are a lot of gov't jobs. So I don't think I'll be blowing the whistle on myself should I get it which is a LONG shot. But a shot none the less.

Math Doesn't Lie

2010-12-08T12:41:00.001-08:00

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around my brain right now. I had my AFC antral follicle count this morning and I have 3 follicles. One on one ovary and two on another. That’s less than I had back in September.

MY FSH results are lower. 9.9. Which is are borderline. Based on this info alone, I am not a good candidate to be a donor. I am disappointed, but it’s probably in the cards. I’ve been told by the Dr. (Whom I love) that if I want to have another child sooner is better than later. A second child isn’t the cards at this time. This might mean shouldn’t I put off having another child, that I may have difficulties conceiving later in life.

I don’t see that as a reason to try. I want to do a post on why a second child isn’t in the cards for us at this time. The gist of it is I don’t feel I am the best parent nor do I feel I was cut out for parenthood in the ways that I thought it was. I love Aaron. I love him to death and I want what is best for him. I feel that I am better off being the best mom that I can possibly to one child than a mediocre mom to two children.

I had really bad post partum depression and Eric and I don’t have a support system here so it just doesn’t seem logical right now. I am undecided for the most part. The yearning for a second child is there. But knowing I probably wouldn’t do a very good job at parenting two is enough of a reason to not entertain the idea at this time

If being an egg donor will affect my fertility down the road, it’s another reason to take a look at being one. Things just aren’t adding up, My numbers (Math doesn’t lie), m and Aaron who may or may not have some form of Autism.

All this news had my head spinning last week.

Today I am calm as I have other stuff that needs to be dealt with. Aaron comes first. As does my family.

I have a Christmas party to get ready for tonight, one which seems of little importance and has lost it’s excitement. Eric has a cold, I was sick for his party last year it is fitting he would be this year.

I just have Aaron on the brain. I want to try to go lie down and digest this all some more.

This and That

2010-12-06T22:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with my son. Sometimes I think he is a normal child than others somethings just aren't right.

His assessment can't come soon enough. I've been told there is a 3 month wait. He was referred in October that puts us into January. I haven't blogged about it, as there is nothing to say. Or at least there wasn't.

The staff at his daycare commented that he shows certain signs of autism. He rocks and he is repetitive. My dad does both of these things. A family friend of ours son has Aspergers and she mentioned some of the parallels in Aspergers and my dad. He is looking at getting an assessment. It would explain a lot.

The not picking up on social queues, the repetitiveness in his speech, the rocking. Going on with long monologues talking about stuff that has little interest of anyone but himself.

Autism is carried through male genes. Grandpa and Aaron have similarities... It's beginning to make more and more sense.

Being an egg donor and autism do not go hand in hand. I don't know this for a fact, but I don't think it's ethical. I assume fertility clinics won't accept candidates who are carriers or have family members who have it.

When I saw the Dr. at the clinic here last week, I asked him if my FSH levels could be an indicator if I may have fertility issues down the road and he says it's hard to say. He's seen donors with my levels go on to conceive no problem. A second child right now isn't in the picture. But I am open to the possibility a few years down the road. Or not. I am undecided.

I was instructed to get a second FSH test and and another antral follicle count. I had my day 3 FSH test today and I have an AFC on Wednesday. I am interested to know the results, but at the same time I don't really care.

I am more concerned with getting Aaron assessed so if he has some form of autism be it high functioning autism or Aspergers we can start getting him the help he needs now so he can have a happy and normal childhood and hopefully not have social issues.

That's what been floating around here. And the job search continues.

I did make a quick overnight trip to Vancouver to see Tara on the weekend. I got a call with her in tears and went to cheer her up and to help her see the light about TM. I think she may be coming to her senses. One thing that got me was when I said to her "I am not going to kick you when your down" and commented that TM would. Who does that? Another friend of hers and I spent some quality time with her. She has some big decisions to make in the near future.

Try Not To Look So Sad

2010-12-01T13:01:00.000-08:00

That's what Eric said to me as I was leaving to go out last night when I asked him how I looked. I've turned into a bit of an insomniac lately. I am going on 3 days of very little sleep. Throw in a teething toddler and you have one tired me.

I have a lot of stuff on my mind. The lack of job, higher than normal FSH levels, a son who is going for an autism assessment at some point and then some. And I am not sleeping well. I still haven't even got a date for Aaron's assessment. I don't expect any pull or leeway, BUT a date for an assessment would be nice so I can plan my life for the next month.

So with all this going on, I went out with a friend last night. We went to a Bluegrass show. On of her friend's was performing so I tagged along. The first thing I thought I we walked into the venue was "OMG were the youngest people here by 20 years. WTF was I thinking??"

I didn't take me long to get into it. For my love of country music, I am surprised that I never gave Bluegrass music a chance. I got into and the evening passed fairly quickly taking my mind off things.. I was home early and thought I might finally pass out due to exhaustion, but Aaron saw that it wouldn't be the case.

We put him to bed early for him. He went down before 7:30pm and was passed out in 5 minutes. We didn't hear a peep from him until 12:30am. Gah. To him it was a long nap and he was up from then till 2:30am. I couldn't settle him evening taking him to bed wouldn't work. He tossed and turned, put his feet in my face ans started to kick. GAH. I can't leave him to his own devices when he is in pain. I didn't know if he just wanted to play because he wasn't tired or if he was in pain.

My boy needs some serious schedule resetting. He was up at 6:30am for daycare. I am only doing half days for him right now. I could've had Eric drop him off, but as this is his first real day I wanted to drop him off and get him settled. Eric can't do so as he has to be to work by 8. So it was drop daddy off at work, Aaron at daycare and me to go home and have a nap.

But, I couldn't sleep despite my best efforts. So I met up with a friend at the mall and did some window shopping. I was going to pick Aaron up a few presents but changed my mind because I can probably get the, in the States cheaper. I gotta give my dad a ring and arrange a day to borrow his car.

This is just verbal diarrhea. I got a call from the firm to find out that I DIDN'T get the job before I went out last night. The guy said he liked me and felt I would be competent but they went with someone who was referred by someone who had to job for years. GAH! He said he'd keep my resume on file. And I believe him. The fact that he called to let me know speak volumes for this employer.

I also have an appointment with the Dr. at the fertility clinic today. They got me in fast. Another reason, why I prefer the clinic here to Vancouver. I wonder what he will say about my FSH levels... I am trying to not get over anxious but it's hard not do.

No News is Good News Right?

2010-11-29T21:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a day and then some. Throw in a toddler who wasn't allowed to have his nap due to a little schedule resetting and it was even more some.

Aaron wasn't bad or even tantruming much, in fact he was pretty well behaved for the most part and didn't fight bedtime at all tonight. Thanks to me skipping his nap. I don't get him. He goes a few weeks without napping, and then all of a sudden needs his naps again, and then he is fighting bedtime. I am curious to see if he will actually nap at daycare.

Still no word on the job front. I had a job interview on Friday for an admin assistant position. I should hear tomorrow or Wednesday if I got the job, but I am not holding my breath. I hate not having a job, and I am seriously thinking of applying at McDonald's until a real job comes along. I just can't get a break on the job front. There are too little jobs and too many applicants in this town. The guy who interviewed me for the admin assistant job told me that 100 names will come their way for every position. Wow! I am lucky that I was even interviewed. Fingers are crossed. But again, I am not holding my breath.

In an attempt to save $3.50 and to prove something tonight, I made homemade tortillas. They weren't all that difficult to make and they turned out well. Is it sad to say I prefer the store bought ones to homemade? They're much more convenient and taste better in my opinion.

I got an email from the doctor at the fertility clinic. We've exchanged a few emails. His first order of business is to meet with me again as the psychologist signed off on me not being a donor. I explained to him at length the circumstances about my going about being a donor anonymously versus known as I am going about it this time.

I mentioned to him my FSH results and he said that he was a little concerned about my ovarian volumes the last time he saw me but as I was on the pill they were suppressed. He also said if my FSH is elevated that it is a concern. Maybe google didn't fail me.

I never had a doctor give me my results. I got them from the receptionist at the walk-in clinic. (I had to get a new requisition form as I had gotten all my blood work done from the Vancouver Fertility clinic with the exception of my Day 3 FSH [Day 3 of my period, Follicle Stimulating Hormone count] and I lost the form the lab printed out.] The receptionist did asked the doctor's permission before she gave them, which isn't normal protocol but there was an old man who talked A LOT in front of me and I didn't want to wait to be told a number. In hindsight maybe I should’ve.

But I figured since I hadn't gotten a call from the Vancouver clinic, that I had nothing to worry about. I was just getting the results for Liz, who had asked. I placed a call to the Vancouver clinic and nurse called me two days later to which I told her I already had the results. I asked her if my number of 11.0 should be a concern and she said she didn't know the meanings and that if the Dr. hadn't called then I had nothing to worry about. I reiterated I was an egg donor, not a fertility patient and she told me that the protocol was the same, if the numbers were a concern I would've been contacted.

So I would think that no news is good news. As is usually is the case in the medical world.

Being a donor is complicated. I am glad that Mike and Liz switched the clinic here, as they really do take of their clients and don't wait two days to return calls.

Another way I got my results, were online. I registered then a few days later I got a PIN in the mail and I can now view all my lab results online. British Columbia and Ontario residents can do this. It's quite handy.

All of this has my head spinning. But this is why I went off the pill to these tests are run to make sure I'll be a good egg donor candidate.

Or not.

Stuff I Should've Blogged About But Didn't

2010-11-27T14:42:00.000-08:00

I have many of these moments. Right now one of my BFF's Tara, is having relationship woes. She has been with "the man" (a term I use loosely because he is anything but) for about 8 months.

Tara and I go back to grade 9. We have each others back, we confide in one another, we were roommates, and I am fiercely protective of her. She is an independent woman who has never needed a man in her life to make her happy nor to feel complete.

She was doing the 20-something-single life just fine but dabbled in online dating at my urging as she was looking for a long term boyfriend and to maybe start to process of settling but didn't have her heart set on being married by a certain age.

You can see where this is going. She met the man (TM) on said dating site. Shortly, after they started dating she introduced me. At first meet, I liked TM and was immensely happy for Tara. We had gone out to eat and had great conversation and I could see what she liked about him intellectually and I thought she had finally found a good guy after doing the dating thing.

It didn't take me long to change my tune. Being a BFF of Tara's it's natural that she confided in me and tells me her problems. It wasn't long before she started complaining about X, Y and Z that TM had did. As a good friend I said "why don't you break things off?"

Her answer?

"I love him."

I should probably back up here and say I had never seen her so smitten or in love a guy. It what most people experience being in a new relationship and nothing unlike I had experienced in new relationships it reminded me of me. I was happy for her.

Until the constant complaining came of "TM did this, and TM did that."

I actually had thought to blog about it or put a post up in the community, but never got a chance to.

It seems TM has a certain set of rules for himself and and another for Tara. When they first started dating, he wanted her to "decrease she chances" of meeting other men yet they still weren't exclusive and he didn't want to have a "label" put on their relationship and kept his profile up on said dating site.

She was in the frame of mind that she should keep her options open if he wasn't willing to commit. I fully agree with that. Tara's idea of meeting new people is going out for coffee not whoring herself about.

I spent a lot of time with Tara through out the summer and we chat often. I see her almost every time I go to Vancouver. I value her friendship, respect her opinion, respect her as person and a woman. She is one of the strongest people I know, she works hard, is career driven and ambitious and I have never in my life seen reduced to tears over a guy.

The shit her puts her through angers me so. For the first few months, I listened to every thing she had to say about him and gave her advice I thought was useful and was being a good friend lending an ear.

But there comes a point when you here the same stuff where it becomes redundant and you don't want to hear it. I've hit that point a few times with her.

Our conversations usually are along the lines how are things? "Oh things with TM are the same we'll have a few good days, then he'll say or do something upsetting."

I asked her in the summer what she would do if her relationship with TM started to effect her work. She said she would take time off work. (She's a teacher.) Being the summer, it didn't matter. I don't know how much sleep she lost over him in the last 8 months.

Now it's starting to effect her work. She has report cards (She was subbing before) due and his being asshole is starting to effect her. She is stressed out with report cards and parent teacher meetings and TM is less than sympathetic as to why she can't devote more time to him.

He works retail. I am not judging anyone who works retail, but it's a job that stays at work and your work doesn't go home with you. Such isn't the case for teachers. I am not educated to her level but I get it. Certain times of the year will be crunch time.

Tara and I were talking earlier today and she was bemoaning her usual list of grievances with T M, getting me up to speed with where she`s at as we usually talk weekly.

Today's bullshit is TM doesn`t understand why they have to plan their time together when it`s convenient for her and if she isn`t satisfied sexually than she can find satisfaction elsewhere???

Tara doesn`t understand where he comes up with this crap as that`s one thing she is satisfied with. I`ve chalked it up to him being insecure with himself and he will project stuff as an issue that never was.

Gah, I am blogging about a friend`s relationship issues. I am sure I`ve lost you all. I should`ve blogged about this in smaller doses so you could follow me and that you all would`have background info.

If I still have you, I am impressed.

I am puzzled over my smart friend`s crappy relationship choice and why continues to date him. She is over the honeymoon stage and see`s him for what he is. A drama, making issues out of nothing, insecure man. Now why is she with him?

I should do a background post on him and some of his little quirks to give you better background info.

I hope my friend comes to her senses in the mean time.

Snow!

2010-11-25T10:18:00.000-08:00

It's been snowing on and off around these parts the last few days. I am not one to freak out over a little snow like the rest of my fellow Victorians and Vancouverites, but I will use it to my advantage and not go out in it if I don't have to! This is where the beauty of living among a bunch of pansy asses comes in handy. You see the slightest amount of snow and the city starts to freak out and shut down.

I know the rest of the country is making fun of us, and I normally do too., but I was able to keep Aaron out of daycare! He doesn't officially start until next week, but we've been doing gradual entry where I leave him for a few hours at a time and gradually increase the amount of time he is there. Since I don't yet a job lined up, I plan on picking him up at noon the first few days.

I am glad that we did keep him out. He slept in till 8:30am and went to bed just after 8pm last night. He doesn't normally nap any more. He still gets up at night once and a while. I've come to accept this. sometimes it's as little as him crying in his sleep to a bad dream. A back rub usually will fix it. With teething, it's guaranteed he'll wake up as soon as his medicine has worn off.

I am waiting for a little bit more snow to fall then I think I will bundle him and try to play in it. He doesn't like to wear his gloves, which can be a it of a problem. If he is in his stroller it isn't a problem but as soon as he wants to pick something up, off they come. It is something to be worked on.

I need to make myself a cup of coffee and clean up the kitchen before we head outside to play. Which could take awhile.

-----

So I got my Day 3 FSH results yesterday. It was the last in a series of blood work that I needed for the old clinic in Vancouver.

I just picked them up at a walk-in clinic last night. I had lost a requisition form, and had to get another one so I got one from a random walk-in clinic.

My number is 11.00 per IU/L. I honestly have no idea what this means, but based on what I've googled I think it means I have a borderline or fair grading of egg reserves and the amount of live births is slightly reduced. (Not sure if this differs with my being an egg donor vs. the host) I've also read that each lab measures levels differently depending on which assays were used. I have no idea what an assay is.

I know googling shit when you have no idea what it means is bad, bad, bad. I don't even knows if I will be accepted as a donor or I will needed a higher does of drugs to produce a good supply of eggs. I've been told I am "young" and will have good quality eggs, but I am 28.5 almost 29 which isn't exactly on the young side of things. I hope I can still donate to Mike and Liz it is something I really want to do. I am getting excited for the possibility of a cycle and the outcome of Liz hopefully having a baby.

I emailed Liz my results last night and I haven't heard back from her. I take that as a bad sign as she knows more about IVF than I do having gone through a few cycles herself. I really just want her to have what she wants.

And I have no idea what this means.

FSH Day 3 Results

2010-11-24T21:49:00.000-08:00

So back to being an egg donor. Mike and Liz have their consult at the end of this week with the clinic over here. Hopefully, we'll be able to start this cycle soon.

I got my Day 3 FSH results and I have no clue what they mean.

I got my Day 3 FSH results. Under the result column I got 11.00; under the Abn column I got N and then it breaks down like this:

Prepubertal: <3.0 IU/L

Follicular/Luteal: <9.0 IU/L

Midcycle: 4.0 - 20.0 IU/L

Postmenopausal: 20.0 - 135 IU/L

From what I've googled and my intereptation of it 11.00 isn't the greatest # depending on what infertility clinics standard are. If anyone one knows what this means, feel free to let me know.

A Day That Was Meant To Be Blogged About

2010-11-22T22:19:00.000-08:00

Back in early September, I had real pickle of a day. I meant to blog about it but never got around to it.

I had recently ventured into the DIY below the belt waxing. I have had so many experiences with it, I figured it can't be that hard.

So I bought some wax, and started doing it myself. I was heading down to visit my grandpa with Aaron and I knew we would be swimming so I had some maintenance to do.

I had brought my wax with me to my dad's and went to heat it up. I heated it up in the microwave with the lid on because it was stuck. In the past when the lid was stuck it came off after I heated it up. So I heated it, and heated it. And heated it again.

There was no way in hell that bad boy was coming off.

So I did the next best thing. I called the spa up at the mall by my dad's and made an appointment.

Complete with Aaron.

The receptionist offered to watch him while I went to the waxing room but I declined. There was no way in hell he would be complacent with me being behind closed doors. So I wheeled the stroller in gave him a bottle and some toys and pointed him away from me.

He wasn't too thrilled about this, but allowed me to get my nether regions maintained without too much fuss.

When all was said and done I went to pay.

But I realized that my dad had my debit card.

Shit!

I had given it to him the night before to pick up something for Aaron and had forgotten to get it back.

This was not good. I felt like an idiot as I explained that my dad had my debit card and I had no other means of payment and that I had to drive to his work to pick it up. Now his work isn't that far away, but I felt like a douche none the less.

I left the receptionist my drivers license as collateral and proceeded to run to the car. I got Aaron settled in his car seat and folded up the stroller and put it in my trunk. When I went to close my trunk it wouldn't close.

Shit!

I tried to close my trunk over and over but to no avail, the bugger wasn't closing.

Shit!

Here I am without my license and a trunk that won't close and needing to make a payment for services rendered.

You can imagine how flustered and anxious I was.

There was no way in hell I was driving down a highway to my dad's work with my trunk flapping open. That's just begging to get pulled over.

I needed something to tie it down, but I had nothing to do so with nor any money to buy something with I was in a predicament.

I then remembered that my dad had bungee cords. It's only a few blocks from the mall to his place. I wasn't concerned over driving a few blocks on city streets with my trunk flapping open.

I made it to my dad's with only one person telling me that my trunk was open.

When I got there, I couldn't find the bungee cord.

Shit!

I called him in a panic and he told me they were outside with his bike rack. Duh.

So I tied down the trunk as best as I could with his bungee cord and proceeded to his work with with trunk still flapping, making a thunk every time I hit a bump praying I didn't get pulled over as I didn't have my license on me.

Being pulled over would've been the icing on the freaking cake. I was half expecting it.

I got my license and back to the mall to pay for my waxing without incident.

In the course of an hour, I couldn't get the lid off my wax, pay for my waxing, nor close my trunk.

I called a friend to relay my horrific morning to her and she said "Why didn't you soak the wax in hot water? That's what I do when can't get the lid off."

Shit!

How Do You Blog?

2010-11-21T19:50:00.000-08:00

As a blogger, I often wonder how bloggers come up with material for their blog posts. Some blogs have a theme which dictates the material being written about. Some blogs are mommy blogs, military spouse blogs, daddy blogs, infertile blogs, cooking/food blogs etc. The list goes on and on.

I don't think I fall into any category per se. I definitely do not consider myself a mommy blogger but I touch on parenting as it's one aspect of my life. I personally started blogging to fill a void. I had recently moved to Victoria, and was lonely in the evenings when Eric was a sea. I divided my time between blogging and watching Scrubs on DVD. A lonely existence for a brief time.

I never made any really effort to make friends because I went home almost every weekend to see my friends so I still felt that I had an active social life and I was friend's with a girlfriend of one of Eric's friends. I was still happy, but needed to fill a void. So I started a blog.

I have been reading blogs since 2005. Once I started I couldn't stop.

I don't consider myself a great blogger or even a good blogger because I am so inconsistent and random. I like to be random. I think of neat posts all the time, but I usually don't get around to blogging about it because I run out of time.

If I was a better blogger you would know that Eric and I are baby free this weekend. My dad asked/offered to have him for the weekend so we jumped at the chance.

This is are first time home alone for more than a few hours in our home without out him.

It has been very quiet. It's almost the way things used to be before we were parents.

When we were doing the long distance thing before I moved in with him, I'd come over many weekends to his place. He's come to me too. But I preferred to come here as he had his own place and I lived at home. (I paid rent) I'd hop on a ferry on a Friday night or Saturday morning and he'd pick me up.

I took Aaron over to my dad's on Friday and came home Saturday morning. It was just like old times when Eric picked me up at the ferry. I've forgotten what it's like to ride a ferry on my own. What I used to look at as a nuisance is now a pleasurable experience when I make the crossing solo.

I was only in the mainland for a night, but I managed to get some time in with my besties. I have group for three friends and we are like peas and carrots. Every time I am over I try to get time in with them. It doesn't always work out that way and the last time I was over things didn't pan out but things worked out great on Friday night. I wasn't able to sneak away until late as my dad worked late but we went to a local pub and caught up. It reminded me of old times.

It happened to snow Friday night so the pub was oddly quiet. Unlike most Vancouverites, who tend to freak out at the slightest hint of the white stuff, we ventured out.

I cam home yesterday morning and I had to say it was wonderful and beautiful ferry ride complete with a dusting of snow on the Islands, killer whales and a free performance.

I love it when I see killer whales on the ferry. I can say I've only seen them 4 or 5 times and I've been making the trek from Vancouver to Victoria for eight years.

The last time I saw killer whales on the ferry, one was actually breaching out of the water. It was younger one and he was just so full of energy. It was if he knew we were there and wanted to give us a little show.

I also had the pleasure of hearing a duo perform a few songs with guitar and some kind of shaker. I've seen this before and they give a free show and then sell a CD. The ferry is a neat place to showcase talent.

I've had a good relaxing weekend. Eric and I went out to a pub with his co-workers and girlfriends. We go out about once or twice a month with these people. I liked the pub we were at and the atmosphere. I was a great time and we took in some live music before heading to a night club. We weren't in the mood for clubbing but being a birthday and having good time already we wanted t be good sports and went along.

Tonight we will watch some TV and tomorrow I will fetch Aaron.

Back to the blogging business.

How many hours do you spend a day/week on blogging? Mine will vary. I don't have any set time as I don't have a big readership.

I would like to change that but I don't know how as I don't have a genre here.

I have ideas I'd like to blog about but sometimes they get pushed back.

Do you ever hold back so you don't ruffle the wrong feathers? I normally don't because I am not to

Controversial but if I think a topic will hurt someone I may hold back or not write about it all.

I found one blog post via a link that I want share with you because it made me LMAO. If you want a good laugh, go read this post at Hyperbole and Half. You will be in stitches by the end.

I read this article in our local paper today. It's on polyamorous trio with one woman and two live-in boyfriends. It really is

I want to do a post on polyamory, living in Halifax, roomates, break up and ex's but I never seem to get around to it. I hope to do so. We shall see what I can pump out. For now I am going to go enjoy some TV with the man.

I am a Grown Up

2010-11-17T21:44:00.000-08:00

I had another job interview the other day. This one with a reputable company with a legit position. The position I was interviewing for was 100% commission based. I have no problem with sales; I just can’t rely on them 100%. When I am working I need to know what I am going to making each pay check. This particular job is apparently requires 60 hour weeks to be successful and I have the potential to make six figures (according to the interviewer) within 5 years.

I don’t see myself being that mom who never sees her son. A good thing did come out of it that my resume will be put forward to someone who will need an admin assistant. I hope I get that job; I’d be a perfect admin assistant.

I think the difference is was I had the foresight to wear nylons. I haven’t worn nylons in years! I didn’t even own a pair until two days ago. I have a killer grey conservative office dress that I like to wear to interviews. I pair it with black stiletto heals. It looks very sharp if I do say so myself. I wore said dress to my last real interview and I don’t think I got that job. I also didn’t have nylons to wear. I was early for this interview so I popped into a drug store and bought some nylons on a whim. I think it completed to outfit. I got a compliment on the dress from an admin assistant.

I also printed off a resume and cover letter, just in case as I applied for this job on a job board and the formatting isn’t very clean. My interviewer discussed my results from a survey on my work skills at length and is described my work habits to a tee. He said he would pass my resume on, and I hope he does.

All because I wore nylons.

I think.

I am becoming a grown up.

The Writing on The Stall

2010-11-14T21:15:00.000-08:00

Eric and I went out for breakfast the other day at this diner. It's a local favourite. When he came back from the bathroom he commented about some weird crap written on his bathroom stall. When I went to the bathroom, my stall did not fail to disappoint.

I was able to grab a few pics for your viewing pleasure.

"People Always Write Dumb $h!t in Bathrooms."

"Sticks & Stones May Break my bones, but at least the seeds of love will be sewn"
WTF? See the first pic.

And then as we were paying, I notice some cute baby pics displayed at the cash register and I went into baby gushing mode. And then I noticed the one picture of the baby bottom right. DUDE. Victoria, definitely is breast feeding friendly and then some.

Remember

2010-11-11T21:45:00.000-08:00

Today marked Remembrance Day (Veterans Day in the U.S.) in Canada. I don’t have to words to convey what I am feeling. It marks a day of remembrance for those who died fighting in wars so we could be free. Having a spouse in the military puts extra importance on this day to me.

In past years I never observed Remembrance Day outside of a ceremony performed at school. As a child, I remember the ceremonies that took place in my elementary school gym. We would all sit on the floor with our class as two children per class would bring up our class reefs with our individual poppies lay them on the make shift memorial.

Someone would recite In Flanders Field and we would observe a moment of silence. This is one holiday that really sticks out in my mind as a child. The black and white pictures that would be put up on display in my school from WW I and WW II still stay with me.

I don’t have any memories prior to elementary school regarding Remembrance Day. I want Aaron to carry the significance of this day from a young age. I took him to his first ever Remembrance Day ceremony today. The last one I attended was eight years ago as Eric was in parade for it. I don’t know why I stopped observing this holiday; I just never took the time to really remember.

I am lucky that Eric is with me and by my side. I am lucky he serves our country for my freedom. I am thankful that he is not over in Afghanistan and is here. This may not always be the case but it is today.

Both Eric’s grandpa and my grandpa served in the Army during WW II. WW II is what brought Eric’s grandparents together. His grandma was a war bride. My grandfather never made it overseas during the war but Eric’s grandpa did. I am thankful for both for fighting for us.

I hope the significance of this day doesn’t go unnoticed by Aaron. He is too young to know what November 11th signifies. If he remembers the Airplanes that flew by I’d be impressed. My boy has a love of planes.

Before going out today, we watched Memphis Bell. He actually, sat threw large segments of the movie. As long as there was an airplane in it, he was hooked.

I swear to God that boy is going to be a pilot or an airplane mechanic.

Interviews and Waxing

2010-11-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

So I went for the job interview. I don’t know if it was scam per se, but I think it was a huge waste of my time. I arrived to a bare bones office with 8 or 9 people crammed into it.

I was handed an application form by a “receptionist” who seemed to be doing interviews in between manning the desk. I caught on quickly that you went into one room with the HR lady and answered some questions then given a questionnaire to fill out while waiting to be interviewed by the “receptionist.”

I spoke with my fellow interviewees and asked if anyone else had googled the company name. I spoke up with what I had read. I certainly seemed to ease the tension and nerves of the room.

When I was called in with HR lady, I gave all the answers and but she was evasive to my questions regarding what the job itself was. She asked me to stay for a company orientation to which I declined and told her it would’ve ran into me picking Aaron up. So I said.)

I discussed this with a friend later and she said she has sat through these types of pitches and after the sell on the company goods is when they ask for your money.

I didn’t get the second interview with the receptionist nor did I care. I was offered the chance to come back Monday and I said that I would, but I will call to cancel.

I had better things to do. Like get unwanted body hair removed from my face. The French Canadian in me was really starting to show and if I let it go any longer, I might be mistaken for participating in Movemebr.

I went to get my eyebrows threaded and my upper lip waxed. I got my eyebrows done and was told the waxing room was busy for the next half an hour (I was a walk-in) and said what the hell and had the girl thread my upper lip as well.

Let me tell you there are certain parts of the body that are NOT meant to be threaded and the upper lip is one of them! I know why I get my upper lip waxed and not threaded! OUCH. And this is not the time of the month to be getting body hair ripped out of my body. (A little known fact, that when it’s that time or near that time of the month getting hair removed from your body hurts a hell of a lot more!)

I always got my eyebrows and upper lipped waxed. The five years ago I found myself living in what I like to call Little India in Vancouver. Middle Eastern women get their unwanted body hair threaded. My roommate told me about a place down the block where she went so I went one day to get my upper lip waxed for $3!

I knew it was dirty unsanitary little shop that was more of a barber’s shop which offered threading and waxing. I figured a place so cheap couldn’t mess up the upper lip so I went. The girl who removed my unwanted body hair told me I should get my eyebrows threaded. I was skeptical. I talked to my roommate and she said they did Brazilians for $20! (Any woman who knows anything about that knows it’s a steal)

There was no way in hell I’d let anyone south of the border in such a dirty shop, but was curious about the threading.

So the next time my eyebrows needed grooming I went there to get my eyebrows threaded. I was pleasantly surprised how well they turned out! And how cheap it was!

I stuck to my girl at the little shop in Little India. Even when I moved back home I still made the trek there. I stuck to threading for my eyebrows for the most part with the odd wax job now and then. I once tried getting my upper threaded but it hurt so damn much I’d rather have the wax ripped off in one fell swoop. And I continued to do so, until today.

I think I shall s stick to waxing of my upper lip.

I should probably venture back to the DIY method.

Too Good To Be True?

2010-11-08T20:37:00.000-08:00

Welcome to job search 2010. I've really stepped it up a notch in the job search. Yesterday, I sent out a bunch of resumes. Today I got a call.

Most employers do not call right away unless they are desperate. Or it's a scam. This prospective employer left a message as I missed the call. Upon listening to the message, I immediately googled the company's name. The first thing that popped up was "ABC Company scam." I searched that and read some message boards.

What was said in the message boards, was what the recruiter left in the message. This made me go hmmm. This job is a sales based job, not something I am keen on but I can handle it. It would be something to tied me over until I find a better position. At this point my goal is to pay for Aaron's daycare.

When I spoke to the recruiter, she asked all the phone appropriate questions for a phone interview. I was thinking she was legit when we set up an interview time.

She asked me to bring a copy of my resume with me. This normal protocol in the job interview process.

She also told me to wear business appropriate attire.

Seriously? I can't believe she said that.

We talked at length of my previous positions.

I've worked for the government.

I worked for Big Name Cell Phone company.

I didn't sleep with anyone to get any of these jobs.

I assume I got them based on my interview skills and not showing up in jeans and flip flops.

Did she really think I'd show up in non business attire clothing? Jeez.

I even knew to wear a collared shirt and black skirt for my first ever job interview at McDonald's when I was 15. And I got that job.

If something is to good to be true, than it probably is. But I am curious none the less.

If they ask me to give them my own money for training. I will get up and walk.

Another Post Brought To You By Courtesy of Friday

2010-11-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

It's Friday night and I find myself blogging. As per usual for me. So we've had a busy week. I need to find a job ASAP. We've decided on a day care for Aaron. I want the spot, even if it means going back to being a grocery store cashier in the interim. As a family of three on one income, we can afford it, but things would definitely be tight.

I've always maintained whatever I end up doing for work, I need to make at least double what day care costs to justify it. Of all the day cares I've viewed and interviewed in the last 2 years, this is by far my favourite and meets my expectations which are high. Surprisingly, it isn't the most expensive either.

The day care we viewed on Wednesday gave me a bad feeling from the start. We were early for our appointment, I found the staff to be rude, and nobody bothered to introduced themselves while we waited for the lady who was giving us the tour. I've walked up to day cares without an appointment to get warm greetings from staff and a tour. Aaron wanted to leave right away and went straight for the door. He ended up having a tantrum of all tantrums and Eric had to take him out so I could finish the tour on my own. I may have had some preconceived notions based on some feedback I had gotten, but I really tried to go in with an open mind. I just got a bad feeling all around. The toys were put away and brought out throughout the day, and I really didn't care for that. The space was huge, but isn't the size that counts. It's how they use it. Even for day cares.

The one we've decided on all Aaron wanted to do was play with toys and we had a hard time prying him away. I have no reservations about Happy Land daycare or the staff. (I so just made this name up on the spot.)

We want Aaron in day care as we feel it will benefit him where we can't. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around my son being in daycare full time. I wish I could work part-time but finding a part time day care spot and job is next to impossible. If I end up working part-time, I'll keep him home on my days off. I never thought I'd be a stay-at-home-mom for so long, it just worked out this way. A recession doesn't bode well for one in a smaller city. The timing couldn't have been worse for a recession, but such is life.

I really hope that I get this job I interviewed for. It's a good company that pays well (I think). The job its self could be wearing, if I let it. I don't know what to call the position interviewed for. I guess escalation help desk would be the correct term. I wish I had gotten the email address for the lady that interviewed me so that I could send her a follow up letter. Stupid, stupid.

I wonder how all this with play into being an egg donor. As Mike and Liz are switching clinics to the one here of course their is a wait for a their consult. Which has bumped things back further, but from my dealings and Liz's dealing she gets a better feeling from the clinic here.

If/when I am employed I don't know what to tell my future employer. I figure I'll just I have say day surgery, which egg retrieval is. I don't want to get into the nitty gritty of my personal life. I though of saying I am doing an IVF cycle but then they will think I am trying to conceive and may terminate me before my three month probation. Then if I say I am a donor, I'll get lots of questions or weird looks. I am open about what I am doing to friends and people I know well, but I don't think it's an appropriate course of discussion with a new employer. I plan on saying that I was bumped on the wait list and spot became available. It's plausible. But all the appointments leading up the retrieval is what scares me, I don't want to appear to be a slacker so new into a job. GAH. I guess there is no point in worry about it now.

I am tired so I think I best be getting to bed. I am sure Aaron will be up coughing at some point, and I'll be a worried mama and up. I hope his cold goes away soon.

Good News I think.

2010-11-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

I wanted to give a quick up on the job interview. It was a typical behavioural interview with two interviewers alternating asking questions and note taking. I've had done dozen of these interviews and I didn't sweat it.

I don't know where I stand, but I feel that it went well. I am not getting my hopes up, as I've done that with jobs I coveted only to be crushed.

We've decided on Aaron's daycare we both like it, and we couldn't pry him away from the toys. He cried when it was time to leave. A good sign. I'll touch more on this later. But I didn't get much sleep last night and Grey's Anatomy is on. I have my priorities.

A Quickie

2010-11-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

I have a Halloween post in the works with lots of pictures for your viewing pleasure but blogger or my PC are being jerks and will not let me upload any pics after this first one. I don't have time to tinker with it and the pics are uploaded to the desk top not the lap top.

So the last 48 hours have been... ??? Maybe glimpse into my future. I've had two job opportunities come up. One I might have an in though a friend, the other I never expected to get a call for in my life lacking the education requirements, I applied for the hell of it and hoped my stellar cover letter delivered the goods. Which apparently it did!

Now I have to sell sell sell myself tomorrow. I didn't even have 24 hours notice for this job interview! I took the time, called a friend to see if she could watch Aaron and am going in on a hope and a prayer.

I've also have had two day cares spots become available. One we viewed today I did not care for. The other, it's good, I've viewed it when Aaron wad 13 months old but decided not to go back to work. I had him on this list since I was pregnant. SO I know it's good and holds itself to a high reputation and has excellent staff.

I was freaking out as to what to where, and the fact that my acrylic nails are half chewed off or broken look so bad. (I normally do not get acrylic but got them for my reunion.) So I got my outfit together complete with a quick trip to the mall for a new pair of black stiletto heals suitable for the office and black shrug to wear with my dress. Oh man I hope they like me and I give the right answers. Now to de nail myself.

Friday Nights

2010-10-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about Friday nights, but Friday night seems to be my night to blog. Aaron is in bed, Eric is at buddy's place and it's just me and the cat.

This week has been interesting mix of laughter, tears and frustration on every ones part. We all had/have had colds, we're adjusting to life as a family of 3 instead of 2 and Aaron picked this week to cut his top set of two-year molars.

The frustration stems mainly from Aaron's lack of ability to express himself which comes out in a series of cries, whines and "Uh." Eric isn't aware of Aaron's cues and if we try to help in the slightest bit accomplish a task unless he asks for our help a meltdown will occur.

Aaron spent the majority of the day with me and when it's just us one on one he does much better. It's a transition having Eric home. Aaron is a little confused as we moved his car seat from my car to Eric's back to mine. He never seems sure which car he should be going in. We're running both cars for a couple of weeks and will take the insurance off of mine at the end of it's month and just use Eric's as the family car as we normally do. He has the sedan, I have the coupe.

It's funny how that is. When Eric first got to Victoria, he went car shopping. He had a car in mind and budget. He found what he wanted, fell in love and said "I'll take it!" before he made it around the block on his test drive. I am sure the salesman remembers that as the easiest sale in his career. They didn't have a 2-doors in stock so he took the 4-door. When I moved in with him in 2003 I was a little embarrassed to drive this fancy 4-door family car. It turns out, the lack of the dealership having a 2 door in stock served us well 5 years later.

When I bought my car in 2004 when I moved home as we broke up for 6 months in 2004, I car shopped for weeks or months seeking out a good deal. I didn't go for anything big or fancy, but I bought new so I'd have a warranty and not have to deal with any major repairs. Not needing anything fancy, I went with a coupe figuring I had years before I started a family. Ha! I wish the damn Blazer I'd been eyeing hadn't sold. I just finished paying off my coupe. I'll be damned if I am getting stuck with another car payment.

Both our cars have relatively low mileage and our in good condition so we intend to keep them, but we usually only one run car. I am fine taking the bus, walking or driving Eric to work if we need the car for the day. I've toyed with selling my car and buying something for equal value, but am not one hundred percent sure I am ready to part with the first car I bought myself.

So back to Aaron, he seems to be doing better now that his car seat is in my car for the time being. I wish there was a way to make the transition of Eric being home easier on Aaron, but I really don't know how to do that. On Eric's next big deployment he will be older and will hopefully understand what is going on. The next one 6-7 months long. I don't know how the hell we'll survive that.

------

I never did update anybody on the MIL front. I've successfully managed to avoid her and have minimal interaction with her since July. I realize this is unhealthy, but the woman makes my blood boil. I did write her a 25 page letter in a draft form (wrote not typed, I have large writing and used a spiral note book 1/3 smaller than most) but I never sent it or followed it up.

She did apologize to me in an email. I can accept that, but she never said what she was apologizing for and I am sick of her passive aggressive treatment of me over the years and just don't want to waste any more energy on her. I sent one 3 line email back to her in response to an email about Aaron and never responded after that.

------

Eric and I went downtown today and happened upon a breast cancer awareness campaign.

I am all for cancer fund raising, and awareness, but I fail to see how draping and stringing bras like streamers helps find a cure. I think the time and energy put into this would be better spent asking for donations or walking or running for the cure. It brings awareness, but what do people do once they are aware?

I'd rather donate $10 or $50 the cost of a bra to the BC Cancer Agency then donate a bra. I have no idea what they plan to do with these bras once the day is over?

On Aaron and Things...

2010-10-26T14:03:00.001-07:00

I feel the need to blog and feel that I should give some more updates seeing I haven’t been very consistent on the blogging front. As Eric just got home and we have bene having a lot of family time I don’t want my blogging to take away from that.

Aaron is making progress daily in his speech. He’s coming right along which is encouraging. He may not be where he should be for 2.5 years of age, but I am not going to dwell on this. I am celebrating what he can do. He can say “thank-you” in the right context. He just doesn’t use it with me, just other adults he’s familiar with. Whenever someone tells me he says “thank-you” be it a friend or a daycare teacher or Sunday school teacher, my heart swells with pride followed by thought the OMG I must be doing something right as a parent!

Aarons’ primary way to communicate with me and other adults he is familiar with is to point and say in a cave man guttural tone “Uh.” It’s really annoying but that’s his way communicating. I hate it when he does this but it isn’t surprising as I did it as a toddler. Instead of meeting his demands and stop and make him say “please.” Sometimes he will say “say” and I have to repeat “please” but when prompted he will say something other than “uh.”

I also say thank-you in the right context so it’s sinking in. It sounds silly, but repetition is key. His first word was “cat” which was soon lost on and replaced with “hot.” For the longest time all he would say was “hot” to himself at random times. It became his word as I always stressed “hot” whenever he was around the stove. So far he has yet to burn himself. I’ve caught him placing pots on the stove when it’s off and I yelled at him good for that and it scared him.

Last week he figured out how to push the glass up from underneath the table in our kitchen table. He got yelled at good and a time-out for that. He did it again a few hours when I was cooking dinner (our table in our kitchen) and I stopped what I was doing and I gave him on spank on his bum. I realize there will be parents who don’t spank their kids going in an uproar over this, but I felt I needed to make a point over as it’s a dangerous situation. His spanking was followed by a time out and he has since to do it.

I was ready to dismantle the table and put in the basement that night. I called a friend in frenzy and she suggested glass adhesive which I bought the next day. I was prepared to go without a table or to buy a new (used) one until the time passed where he wouldn’t do it. So far we haven’t had to buy one nor use the glass adhesive but I think we will.

I am at the point in my parenthood journey that I can see a light at the end of the toddler tunnel. I realize that this doesn’t sound all rosy and peachy, but I am a freaking pessimist! I had no idea what I signed on for when I decided to become a parent. Neither of us did. And without family support in the same city things can be tough. I am not someone who knows how to or is super good with small children. I do my best. I realize that right now adding to my family isn’t the wisest decision for my family.

Lately, I’ve been having pangs and yearnings of babyhood. I miss breastfeeding. I can’t believe I wrote that, but I really do. I am getting excited for Liz as we go through the journey for her to add to her family. This doesn’t not mean I will for the record try to get pregnant nor would it be a welcome surprised if I were to find myself in that boat. Eric and I are looking forward to the time in the near future when Aaron will listen to us and behave somewhat in public. We long to take a family vacation together.

I don’t think I could be a good mom to a preschooler and a baby seeing how stressed out I was just with one baby. I do see how some things would be easier the second time around but I am not up to it mentally or physically.

While I am off the pill I’ve gotten myself a diaphragm. It’s a very old school method of contraception, but I really don’t mind it so far. I use in conjunction with spermicide and coitus interuptus. (Yes, that is the pull out method.)

As soon as I get my next period and get my FSH day 3 (of my period) blood test I am going back on the pill until we start our cycle because I am most comfortable on the pill for preventing pregnancy. I am glad I have the diaphragm as a back-up considering what I had to go through to get thing as you can no longer get an Rx for one in Canada or at least BC for that matter.

I had to call a pharmacy in the States to see if they would honor an Canadian prescription, get fitted for one by my doctor, have the Rx faxed in and then pick it up 2 days later when the diaphragm came special ordered from the pharmacy’s supplier. It wasn’t a big deal as I frequently cross the border to shop when I am over in Vancouver visiting. But to most people they wouldn’t bother with do to the hassle.

But I am not liked most people, if I want something and it’s attainable, I will find a way to get it or make it happen.

I have no idea how this has gone from a post on Aaron to my method of contraception so I will take this a queue to fetch Aaron from his crib because clearly he isn’t napping today.

Home

2010-10-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

Eric his home. Aaron is talking more and more every day. He has adjusted well to Eric being home much to my surprise. I really wasn't sure how he would react. When his ship pulled up we were waiting there with all the other families, wives and girlfriends with our sign. It was just like you see on the news. The first sailor got to go on the brow and greet his wife then we all got to embark on the ship. When we met on the deck I had Aaron in my arms and I got a hug and kiss from Eric and Aaron went straight for something not safe for toddlers on a ship deck.

I was taken aback that he didn't latch on to Eric and not let him go, but he's always been one for buttons and leavers. We really haven't been apart since Eric got home. Today Eric left for a short while to do some errands and Aaron was sad and was crying a little bit and said "Bye Daddy" as he watched him drive away out the window followed by "Bye Mommy." I explained to him that I wasn't leaving. It's hard to gage his level of comprehension, but Eric has noticed a big difference in his speech since he left. He is progressing daily. I am so happy that he calls us Mommy and Daddy now.

Just yesterday, he said "I do it." When he wanted to spear his on peach with a fork. I am so pleased that he's coming along.

On the donor front of things, Mike and Liz have decided to go for a consult with the clinic here. I am thrilled by this news because the bedside manner of the clinic here is wonderful. Even Liz said with all her dealings of 3 different clinics in Vancouver she gets the best feeling so far from the clinic here. And she is super impressed that the RE there actually emails patients himself. Obviously, this means our cycle will be pushed back, but everything happens for a reason as Liz says. I hope we can get in before Christmas.

We all seem to be a little bit under the weather around here so I am going to bed for a good nights sleep.

On Counting & Donating

2010-10-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

I wanted to touch my counting with Aaron. In no way do I expect it or push him. One day out of desperation I started counting to 10 on my fingers as I was changing his diaper as he fights me so much during diaper changes. When I got to 10 I'd tickle him and count back to one and tickle him again. It's all fun and games to him. Children learn through repetition and he is mimicking my words by saying "eight" and "ten." It also may be due to him having a friend named Aidan. "Eight" and "ten" sound like Aidan. I have no idea if he has the concept of counting, but it makes diaper changing all the more fun.

I went today to get my blood work for Fertility Clinic. Apparently I am to get over 10 viles. WTF? I thought I signed up to be an egg donor, not a blood donor. The girl told me to come back tomorrow as one needed to be done in the morning and their was no way in hell I was getting my blood drawn before dinner. I know how dizzy I'd feel after 10 viles, and their is no way in hell I'd want to deal with Aaron if it was anything like getting my nose pierced. I'll have a friend watch him so I can get my head about me before I get it done. I plan on having a big breakfast tomorrow.

Update Time

2010-10-19T21:50:00.000-07:00

I took a hiatus from blogging while I was over in Vancouver this past week and half. I didn't want to be online much and wanted to take the time to catch up with old friends and not be tied to a PC. I was busy to say the least. I got a lot of family and friend time in, me time and sight seeing.

I went to my high school reunion and it was not too bad. Considering 25 people showed up. Pathetic, I know. Nothing crazy happened, I didn't have one drink as the drinking and driving laws in BC are the harshest in the country and it's not worth it. I drove myself as to have a means to escape should I had wanted to make an immediate departure. After I left I immediately head downtown Vancouver with a friend as to not waste a good dress, smooth legs and fake eye lashes for 25 people.

I caught up with the old BFF, we were polite. A rekindling of our friendship will not be in the works. I ended up looking like this if you were wondering.

I got my dress in the States for $15 thank-you Ross! And I got near 5 inch heals by Steve Madden for $21.99 a la Ross again. A friend did my make-up and Victoria Secret gave me back my cleavage.

There hasn't been any updates on the Aaron and the A-word front. I really do not think he is Autistic. He has started calling me "Mommy" periodically. And has said "Bye-bye Mommy" as we were inside a structure at an indoor play place and he said "Night-night Grandpa" to my dad as we were being dropped off at the pool while he parked the car. He is gaining in his speech. I am taking him to more structured orientated play groups or Strong Start which we have here in BC as opposed to our regular playgroup as the facilitator is an ECE and it gives him that much more help. Hopefully, we get his referral and he is cleared of all things A-word related or he gets a diagnosis and we can get him the help he needs.

I've been counting to 10 with him and it's all fun and games. He says "Eight" and "Ten" all the time. I am not sure if he gets it but repetition is key.

I've been honest with this with Liz, my donor recipient. She believes me when I say I don't think anything is wrong with Aaron. Despite, this she wants to continue on with an IVF cycle so we have a date set with Fertiltiy Clinic in early November for a consult and psych eval. I might even be able to get into an injection class all in the same day. I don't want to proceed with a cycle until Aaron is assessed but if we don't sooner we won't get in before Christmas. It's her call, but I don't know if it's the right one. I know my son's speech is delayed. That I know. It really isn't a huge issue to me as all kids develop at different rates and I see progress almost every day. It's more at the urging of the speech therapist. And it can't hurt.

Eric is home in 4 days and I can't wait. It also means there is a butt load of cleaning to be done. So I may or may not be blogging this week.

A Letter to Donor Nurse

2010-10-13T15:40:00.000-07:00

This an email I have written to Donor Nurse. I am not sure if it's appropriate that I send it. Thoughts?

Hello Donor Nurse:

I want to take a moment to write to you about the AFC test. To my understanding the reason why I went off the pill was to get an accurate AFC at mine and Liz's request. I did my research through your clinic and and another RE and the answer I came to the best time to get an accurate AFC was the beginning of my cycle after getting a period on my own sometime between days 2-4 to 3-8. When you and I had talked you had made an appointment to get an AFC done as I would happen to be in Vancouver. I told you at the time that I come over here often for personal reasons and could accommodate Fertility Centre on my cycle. You said on the phone that I could always get another one if happened to be in town and the timing was right. I am in Vancouver of my own accord and I have my period.

I feel let down and disappointed by Fertility Centre as I feel that I got false information. This would've suited me better to have an AFC now than then. Had I known I would've been denied an AFC when the proper time came around, I never would've gone off the pill until closer to our cycle. Liz and I have been honest and communicate things to yourself and Fertility Centre Had we not had to wait on my partners blood work, this cycle could've been done and we would've been on our way.

I feel Dr. RE deciding on my drug dosage based on an AFC done at a time when my body didn't have the time produce follicles on its own without being on the pill for a month is what is not in my best interest as a patient. For all we know I may need a lower dosage which is less stress on my body and a lower cost to Liz and Mike.

-S.

Boobies

2010-10-07T15:59:00.000-07:00

I wanted to do a post on the lighter side of things today. To take a break from the A word. I really do not believe that Aaron is Autistic. I think I am letting health care professionals get the better of me. He had a doctor's appointment yesterday for an unrelated issue and even she was surprised. His speech is delayed, that I know for sure and I have to tools and means to work on that with him. Until he has an assessment I am not going to dwell on things.

Lately, I've been thinking about boobs. Not just any but mine. Specifically what they were before pregnancy and breast feeding. I miss them. I think this is a good example of not realizing what you've got till it's gone. I was going through a folder of pictures taken with Eric's cell phone (yes this is a testament to how she took this pic probably without my knowing it. But he's looking at mine and that's all that matters) and I came across this:

Yes, those were mine. That would be breastfeeding boobies. I can't believe those were mine. There and half months into it. I just can't get over it.

This is a before pic.

And here is an after pic.

That's what 17 months of breast feeding will do to you. It's not a pretty picture. ( I wouldn't give up breastfeeding Aaron for the world. I just miss my before boobs.)

The A Word

2010-10-06T08:31:00.000-07:00

I want to bang out a quick post before Aaron wakes up. It’s 8:10am and he’s still sleeping. I didn’t sleep well last night. I tossed and turned for many reason or a combo of reasons. Yesterday, Aaron had a follow up speech assessment. He’s been in speech therapy before. I honestly think he didn’t need it. Being enrolled at 21 months seems a bit extreme, but hell it never hurt anybody. All it was the ST teaching me ways to encourage his language development through play and every day things.

Yesterday, was a bit different. His ST said she wanted to send him for an autism referral. My jaw didn’t
drop. This had come up before and I dismissed as health care professionals overreacting. I’ve always dismissed he language delay to him being a boy and kids developing at their own pace. There are other things he does so well.

I can hear him waking so this can’t be long. As his mother, I am wondering if I have been in denial all along? He talks. He has words, he uses them in the right context. But there are little things that he doesn’t do.

When he is very engrossed in an activity, and we call his name, he will out right ignore us unless we shout is name. he also can’t answer yes or no to a question or shake his head yes or no. And he doesn’t always make eye contact when communicating with people. I wonder if this is something I’ve done by anticipating his needs? He also doesn’t call me “mommy” or “mama” or Eric “daddy” or “dada.”

It’s the little things. This will sound so cliché and somehow I wonder if I’ve failed him as a mother. I know I haven’t but I can be doing more. Last night I stayed up reading a text book that I never returned from an Early Language stimulation course I took last year. I used to feel guilty about losing it and not returning it, buy hey everything happens for a reason right?

The kicker is Liz. After I emailed Eric to tell him. I had to email Liz. I feel so bad. She must feel like fate is playing a cruel joke on her. She’s so close to having an egg donor then fate drops this bomb on her. But I guess it’s better than us having already gone through a cycle then her being pregnant me dropping that bomb on her. This is what’s keeping me awake. If hope Aaron if cleared of this so we can proceed with a cycle.

I don’t think that Aaron is autistic, but there is so a broad range on the spectrum. God how I know hate that
word. Spectrum. Such an ugly word. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard this word in the last 24 hours.

I’ve refrained from googling “Autism.” So far I’ve been good. But it wouldn’t surprises me if he had some form of it due to fate playing a cruel joke on us. Days before I found out I was pregnant Eric and I were vacationing back east and were visiting his grand parents and we were watching an episode of Oprah dedicated to autism. Eric said something to the effect I hope our kid doesn’t have it.

I am going to love my little boy and do I everything I can do to get his speech up while we wait.

Oct 4, 2010

2010-10-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

I saw a story on the news tonight that had me fuming. I actually cursed the news caster. It's not his fault; he just happens to be the bearer of bad news. The gist of it is that Canadian pediatricians are calling for a rotavirus vaccine for babies. 500-600 babies are hospitalized for rotavirus annually. Guess who was one of those babies in 2009? Mine. Aaron was hospitalized due to dehydration. I also didn't know that I could feed him Pedialite in a syringe because nobody told me!

Aaron at one day old. (I just found this in an old file)

This angers me so much because nobody ever told me what the hell it was or that there was vaccine for it. Had I known, I would've gotten it for him. Seeing my baby in the hospital like that was heart breaking as I didn't know what to do. But really whose responsibility is it to educate new parents? Our health system? The hospital? Ourselves? I thought I knew childhood illnesses pretty well. Ear infections, cold/flu, chicken pox, measles. I know I am missing a lot of common ones.

I wish I had had the foresight to read a book on childhood illnesses or vaccines. I took a prenatal class; I went to Baby Talk at my local health unit. It never came up. I didn't know until I had Aaron at the walk-in clinic.

If I ever have another baby, you bet s/he will be getting vaccinated for rotavirus.

-----

Gah in one and a half weeks time I have my high school reunion. I wasn't popular in high school, but I wasn't bullied either. I had a few good friends which got me through. I didn't fair to well in elementary school or junior high. I was teased and bullied, which I believe was due to my not being socialized as a young child. I never learned basic social skills from a young age and for some reason I always craved the approval of others.

My going to my reunion is more about proving a point. Or settling a score if you will. My former BFF and I had a falling out shortly after I moved in with Eric the first time in 2003. It was silly really, but our friendship never recovered. I tried to make amends a year later but it was ignored. I am not sure what the score is, but I still have my youngish looks and a confidence I never possessed back then.

A lot people aren't going, but I will be out of curiosity more than anything. The 2 things that suck is that one I don’t' have a date as Eric is deployed and two I've no one to go with as my friend who said she would go is selling me out. So I am doing this solo. I am nuts.

-----

Eric was in Ecuador recently. He has had some stories to tell me. Some I'd care not to know about. But he tells me none the less. I am not sure if your up on recent world events but this past week there was coup attempt in Ecuador. A week before this happened, Eric was there. The city which they were visiting (which I can't remember the name for the life of me) is in complete chaos and in a state of looting and lawlessness. I can't believe he missed that by a week. Thank God. This was the first time a Canadian navel ship has had a port visit to Ecuador since 1989 because of it's political of unstableness.

Here is an excerpt from one of his emails:

Its not really a bus more than a 15 passenger van. I was up front next to the driver and there was no seat belt. Lets just say that this was the most scariest ride of my life. We are driving in mountains in Guatemala at night, when there are landslides that washed out sections of the road, we hit two dogs [Which were already dead] on the way home which was loud as fuck, and the rain was so bad that it washed out our side of the highway and twice our driver "Victor" switched to the opposite side of the highway driving into oncoming traffic at night in fog in the rain, because our side of the hwy was washed out. I was freaked out by that a bit, but he drove slowest. Like 60kmh instead of the 120kmh he was booking it normally. It was worse than any driving I've ever done over the coquhalla or the Rockies. But we got back to the boat fine and we had a fun time. We might go back to the cruise ship bar tonight for an hour or two. This email doesn't even begin to really describe my experiences. I didn't want to email you about them I wanted to call you tonight cause I thought I had new time, but I only had 90 seconds.

He will be home in 19 days.

-----

Things are still moving forward on the egg donation front. I have some blood work to get done and the initial consult. Not much will be done until Eric is back.

Random

2010-10-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

I‘ve started my quest for that dress. The dress that I will face my fears and past in. In 2 weeks time I will be mingling at my high school reunion and I need to feel good in my own skin. A preliminary shopping trip turned up nada. Maybe I should’ve started the quest for the little black dress a little sooner. I do have one sexy little black number but it rides up too much to be considered appropriate for a reunion.

I’ve taken a bit of a back burner the last few days. I’ve had a friend staying with me and I got knocked out for a few days with a sinus/head cold and lack of sleep. Aaron’s damn molars are nearly through! Only 2 more left and teething is over.

To commemorate the first day of October we decided to go to the beach . We’ve had some very beautiful weather the last few days and today. We had a great time and Aaron went wading. It was great day.

I can’t believe how much he’s learned language wise. He’s developed a sense of empathy. He string 2 words together a lot. In the last week, he’s used “It’s okay” in the right context on two separate occasions. The first time we were picking the cat up from a friend’s who had been cat sitting for and she was crying in her carrier. He said “it’s okay” trying to soothe her. Another time we were somewhere with little babies around (playgroup perhaps?) and there was a baby crying in it’s car seat and he said “It’s okay” to the baby. It almost brings tears to my eyes how much my little man is growing. He is 2.5 years old today. I can’t believe where the time has gone!

Tired

2010-09-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

I am tired... I am not sleeping good. After Aarom goes to bed, I stay up and dick around online for a few hours and next thing I know it's late and I can't fall asleep. I am also fighting a bit of a cold. So I haven't been around much. I'll write something of substance soon. I hope.

So I Got Probed... Again

2010-09-23T13:46:00.000-07:00

I had my AFC this morning. The clinic here is swanky to say the least, but I still do not care for them in the slightest. There is no warm fuzzy feeling radiating from this place. In fact I get the exact opposite of warm and fuzzy. It's cold, sterile and the staff aren't friendly at all. The first time I met the RE I was naked from the waste down with a paper sheet covering my lady bits. When I met the RE at the clinic back home, I met in his office and he introduced me to the IVF nurse that sat in with us. At this clinic, there was a female staff member in the room with us who I was not introduced to. I know for a fact she wasn't a nurse as I asked her when she let me into the room. She just happen to wear scrubs.

Hell they didn't even offer me socks!

I have no plans to relay this to Liz, she is comfortable and it's her baby I am trying to help make. I got my AFC results I have 4 follicles on my right ovary and 2 on my left. While this isn't great RE said that I'll just need a higher dose of the drugs. Liz thinks I will have a higher count when I get another AFC done once I get a cycle on my own.

There is nothing like getting one of those exams done while your 30 lbs toddler sits on your chest because he is scared. I had Aaron with me as my appointment was on such short notice. He was good and didn't break anything swanky or touch the ultrasound machine. Phew.

Now I get to do bloodwork and wait.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-22T12:56:00.001-07:00

I Just Want to Make a Baby

2010-09-21T22:36:00.001-07:00

I am still proceeding with being an egg donor. Things are moving errr rather slowly. I really don't like the clinic that Mike and Liz are using. Their too fucking picky. I guess I was spoiled getting to know the clinic here with my brief dealings with them. I like the way they conduct themselves, their professionalism and the RE rocks in his bedside matter. People come from all over the province and out of province and even country to go there.

My beef is that we can't proceed with a cycle until Eric gets back because he needs to get blood work done as he is my partner. For real? I asked the donor nurse what the difference would be if he were my boyfriend with whom I was monogamous with versus my common-law husband. They will not budge. My IP's floated the idea of using the clinic here. I really wish they had.

The fact that it's taking so long, is wigging Liz out (I get it I really do) and she thinks I may back out. I have no intentions in doing such. Liz and I email each other to keep one another up to date with our dealings with the donor coordinator nurse so we keep the communication going well. She wasn't even aware that Eric had to be tested until I told her. The fact that he is deployed serving his country matters not to them. Good thing it's not a 6 monther. Fuck.

Another thing that is pissing me off, is that I need to get an Antral Follicle Count (AFC) which is an ultrasound of my ovaries to check my follicle count (each follicle makes and egg) to see if I will produce and good number. This was mine and Liz's idea as I don't want to go through with cycle and turn out to be a bum donor. If I have a shitty reserve there is no point in me going through a cycle and Mike and Liz wasting their money on the drugs.

What is pissing me off is when I should get it done. I went off the pill so they could get an accurate AFC. I went off the pill a week ago. The donor nurse wouldn't answer my question if it's better to wait until I get a period on my own then do that count or if it makes a difference if I get one now. I happen to be going to Vancouver this weekend. She booked me for an AFC as I will be there and they want to accommodate me. They don't need to accommodate me if Eric won't be back for a month and we can't proceed until then. I told her this. Apparently days 2-4 on a cycle is the best time to do an AFC. I want to get the best possible look at my ovaries and I don't want to incur Liz and Mike any additional costs. IVF aint cheap.

This is most frustrating. I just want to make a baby.

Eyesore

2010-09-20T21:51:00.000-07:00

I was downtown the other day and I saw this, and I just had to take a pic. Is this what are world is coming to? If Aaron could talk and ask "What is that yellow box for mommy?" What I am suppose to say? "It's for diabetics sweetie." Then again, I guess it is better than the alternative.

Stalling

2010-09-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

I should be writing a cover letter right now. It’s for a job that I would love to have but is so far out of my reach I don’t know what the point in applying is. I lack the education needed but I have the combined experience. This reminiscent of high school when I would leave to essay writing the last minute. High school being the theme of the day. Blogging is a great distraction from actually getting work done.

I am going to have reach deep inside of myself to get a good cover letter. Sometimes I can pull them outta my ass in half an hour. I really don’t think such is the case here. I have many cover letters but none geared to this type of job.

I’ve been thinking lately about observations I have of people and thoughts I have in passing that have come true. I don’t know how to write this without sounding like a complete nut job, but I have some sixth sense at times where I think of something and it will happen. By no means can I predict the future or do I think I am psychic which I don’t believe in. I just have a feeling something will happen and then something or that event does. Before 9/11 I remember thinking to myself “It’s been awhile since a world wide event took place that rocked the news has happened.” Awhile later we all know what happened.

I’ve had 2 such thoughts in the last 6 months on a lesser scale one positive one not positive about people I interact with IRL and online and things have happened which I had a passing thought about. I guess premonition would be the right word. It’s weird. It doesn’t scare me, it is just is weird. That’s all I can say. Maybe god is trying to tell me something about some people. If such is the case, I don’t want to go up to someone and say X is going to happen to you. Because that person would think I am a nut job.

High School Reunion Fail

2010-09-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

***For some stupid reason Blogger will not accept my spacing and formatting again... Grrr sorry for the bad spacing. ***

Being that I was born in '82, is 10 year high school reunion time for many of my friends, and friends of friends. This one was making it's way around some of my friends on Facebook and it's too funny not to share with all of my two readers.

*Names have been changed. Duh.

Thanks to everyone whom came out tonight. Everyone looked beautiful! I feel the reunion was a success, and I am happy with the turn out that made it. I need to thank Bobby Jo Davis* whom met me hours earlier to help set up and stayed way past 2am helping me clean at the end aswell. She deserves 1000 Thankyous. Also thanks to Bill Bishop* and Corey Milton* (and friends) for their support.

You can never expect things to go perfect, so alas for the bad news:

1- Whom ever stole the case of beer, a few bottles of alcohol and some of the table cash: YOU ARE LAME.

2- To the 6-7 people whom came without paying, which as a result I ended up paying for you: ALSO LAME.

3- To the people who wondered off into the places that they were not supposed to be (ie. the principles office) and triggered the alarm which brought the police: If I get charged a fee for security coming I am going to be pissed. And you make me look bad for your idiocracy.

4- For the loser who put the game piece in the toilet: Seriously?

5- And for the people who smashed beer bottles outside: Grow up.In was at the school until 4am working with the janitor to clean up the mess that was left behind. I will be charged over time for an additional shift which is unfortunate.

But-- like I said, I wanted to make this happen, and I anticipated there would be a few assholes. It's a high school reunion-- its bound to happen. Planning this was certainly an adventure for me from the start right through to the clean up. I will be honest, the stupidity of some people whom graduated from Dixon High* is shocking. lol.

I won’t let packing the car in the pissing rain and a shitty end to a good night ruin the whole thing. SO many many thanks to those whom helped in various ways. It was nice to see so many smiling faces.

And I wont let a few assholes ruin my perception of our grad class as a whole. I hope you had fun. Take care of yourself, and best wishes to all.

A note to the organizer of this event. This is why you have your high school reunion at a venue.

You pay someone else to do all the work described above for you!

I wonder what I will encounter at my high school reunion? Glad I am not from this graduating class!

Retail Therapy, Screaming and Weighing In

2010-09-17T20:56:00.000-07:00

I am feeling lonely tonight. I feel trapped, alone and desolate and I am craving conversation that doesn't include a screaming toddler every other minute of the day. Despite my best efforts I have zero plans this weekend. I've called/texted all my local friends. Nada. Either everyone is working, can't afford to go out, or hasn't gotten back to me. It's times like these that I hate this god damn Island and curse Victoria and whoever put the navy here instead of Vancouver. I am trapped and have no way off unless it's by plane or boat. If the ferry ran 24-7 it would be different, but as it stands I am a slave to BC Ferries and their ridiculously high prices.

To help myself out of this funk, in true girl fashion I gave myself a dose of retail therapy. I had to go to Wal-Mart for four things: Canestan, Acidophilus, IB Profen and Milk. I could've gotten those closer to home but I'm fond of the Equate brand of Canasten.

The Children's Place happened to open recently, which happens to be by Wal-Mart. I went in looking for Aaron and walked out with stuff for my niece. She happens to be 11 months to the day older than Aaron. They don't have TCP where my sister lives . My sister is a fan of hand me downs, and the girl doesn't get new stuff often, so I indulged a wee bit. In true Swistle fashion.

I wish I had a working camera with a flash at the moment, but alas I don't. So my cell phone will have to do. I got her a pink and black stripped hoodie dress, a black skirt, pink leggings and a black head band. I got it all in 4T. It will be a bit big, but she will get a full season if not more out of it.

Now that I am back home, I don't feel much better. Aaron is cutting his god damn molars and has taken to letting out some very high pitched short squeals to voice his displeasure at life. I love the kid, but I am ready to bang my head up against the wall or take up drinking for sport. Hell I've been the gym 2X in 24 hours to get out my frustrations. Hats off to single parents, I don't know how the hell you do it and without help.

I am taking advantage of the free child minding I get 3 hours per week. I will probably run myself ragged, but I have to stay sane. Hence working out. (And my high school reunion is in one months time which may or may not have something else to do with it.)

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I am not sure if anyone has been watching the news as of late, but hailing from the Vancouver area I have to weigh in on this. A girl was gang raped at a rave in Pitt Meadows, BC and pictures and videos of the event were posted on Facebook.

I don't say where I grew up as I don't want anyone pin pointing me via my blog, but my god I can't believe this happened. I can't imagine being 16 and have this happen to one of my peers. I can't imagine being this girl, and having my peers be interviewed for the news. It's disgusting, and despicably and a reason why things like Facebook need to be regulated. I don't know where to go with this. I am just appalled and shocked and I feel for this girl, I do. She was given the date rape drug which lead to the assault. And the damn pictures have gone viral on the Internet. I hope that this can be stopped and that everyone involved in this is caught and dealt with the the severest extent of the law.

Another issue, circulating in BC news is a former bartender who worked at the Sharks Club in Richmond, BC is taking her former employer to the Human Right Tribunal over the skimpy dress code. She feels she was violated, and put on display and sexually harassed. To this I say if you didn't feel comfortable sporting cleavage and baring your legs why the hell did you apply there?!

When you walked in there and applied and had your interview did you not notice the short skirts and cleavage? If your not comfortable wearing such clothes, then don't apply in establishments where servers sport such attire!

Take it from someone who has applied in all sorts of establishments and would really like to waitress, but with no waitressing experience, nobody will hire me. If applied at Cactus Club, Earls or the Sharks Club, I'd expect to be wearing stuff that reveals my T&A. If I couldn't handle the dress code, I wouldn't apply let alone accept the job!

Last Few Days

2010-09-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

I have had an interesting week say the least on Wednesday night I was hit with a flu or food poisoning and it knocked me out all night long there was no sleeping and I spent a good portion of the night in the bathroom. I was in rough shape. As soon as a decent hour hit, I called a friend and took Aaron to her and myself to the hospital. I couldn't keep anything down I felt so dehydrated I wanted IV fluids. I couldn't keeping anything down, not water, diluted apple juice or Gravol. It wasn't fun. Let me tell you.

I never made it inside the doors of the ER. When I got to ER, the triage nurses weren't assessing anybody and had a list of people sitting just waiting to be checked in, not even in the waiting area to get in behind the doors. I had screw this moment, and decided to go home and take my chances.

Knowing that I was going to the hospital, I traveled light. I took my drivers license, Care Card (health card) and debit card. I wrapped and elastic band around them and threw them in a little make-up bag along with my Carmex. I had that along with my keys and cell phone. After I had my screw this moment, I walked to my car in the parkade and called my friend to check in on Aaron. In the short walk to my carI manage to lose my cards. I realised this as I was pulling up to the parkade and I had no way to pay the attendant. I was in tears at this point. I was more than 24 hours without sleep, dehydrated and without ID.

The attendant was a first class a-hole who told me that I am grown up and need to act like a grown up. I couldn't barely sputter out the words that I lost my debit card, all he would say was they don't take debit and to go the the ATM in the hospital to get cash. I was a mess.

Too make a long story short, I retraced my steps, came up fruitless, my friend showed up at the hospital without me asking her to and she had cash so I could pay. While we walked back to my car, I was looking in the stalls for my cards when a man in van asked me if I was looking for something and I said my ID. He said me name. Turns out he found it and turned it into information. God Bless him. That was one less headache I had to deal with. I got myself some Gatorade manage to keep it down and came home and rested. My aunt showed up as she was on her way over for a visit (the timing couldn't have been better!) she helped me out a lot. I am feeling better and Aaron is off. Agh.

The poor boy threw up last night after I put him to bed. After a quick bath and change of bedding he woke up once and I gave him some Gatorade and slept until I woke him up this morning. He hardly ate anything at all today and had a 4 hour nap! I was worried so I woke him up and he woke up happy and ready to play. He wouldn't drink so I gave him a cup of Gatorade in a syringe. I don't know what is up with him bit he will drink anything out of syringe.

We went to the a walk-in clinic. I got antibiotics for my never ending sinus infection, and the doctor said he might get worse, but seeing how happy he's been playing I don't think he will.

------

In Aaron news, he used the potty two times in the course of one evening all on his own! I had him roaming diaper free and next thing I know is I look and there is pee in the potty. I missed it both times. Even though I was in the room. I praised him both times he was quite pleased with himself.

I've also enrolled him in swimming lessons we start next week. It was apparent he was ready for them when we were visiting my grandpa. It will be interesting, as most times when we go swimming he'd rather wander the pool deck than play in the water.

Life

2010-09-07T21:18:00.000-07:00

Life has been interesting since we got home. My kitchen looks like it threw up all over the counters as I have crap EVERYWHERE! I am trying to reorganize and de clutter my kitchen, throw in an extra toddler and stuff just doesn't get done.

Anyone who is organized and runs a seemingly smooth home, I envy you. I have come to the realization that I m not super mom and I never will be no matter how much I try. I really want my house organized, and not random crap haphazardly thrown in whatever random drawer of cupboard so I can have some sense of order in my life. I find it very overwhelming, and don't know where to start. Doing this on my own, being a mom and running a household is hard. I am trying, but failing miserably.

Hell, the other day I was sitting in the car trying to make a list and I couldn't think, I got very anxious and had to get out of the car. All from making a grocery list! Something is not right.

I am also frustrated with the clinic I am working with in Vancouver. Liz and Mike (my intended parents) had their consult last week and Liz told me to contact the donor coordinator nurse today and the nurse had no clue who we were or what she was dealing with. She is going to mail me paperwork, and then if I am found suited we can proceed. WTF? The clinic here emailed it to me. I called them when I was over so I could do all that while I was there and they said they couldn't help me until the IP's had their consult. I didn't know filling out paper work had to wait. I don't like this clinic already, but it isn't my choice.

I could bitch some more, but I've got a kitchen to put together.

Reflections

2010-09-05T23:13:00.000-07:00

Some how I think they look better on me....

Aaron and my grandpa.

Reflections:

There were so many different things I wanted to write about. My shitty day, feeling sorry for myself, missing Eric, our 8 year anniversary of sorts. Labour day weekend has special meaning for us as it was the start of our relationship.

But I really want to write about my childhood reflections with my grandpa. I had the opportunity to spend some time with alone with Aaron and it brought me back to my childhood. He is going on 88, and is still of sound mind, living on his own, doing things for himself and is always on the go.

I have a special bond with him. My grandma and him helped my dad out a lot with me as a child. My dad worked shift work and didn’t have every weekend off. I only went to my mom’s ever second weekend, so on weekends when he worked I went to stay with them.

My grandpa is a patient man and had away with kids. He spend hours with me, and I think it shaped part of who I am. I look back on my childhood memories with him and have nothing but good memories. Some of my favorite memories are tinkering around in his basement at his work bench. We would soder iron stuff, (melt plastic) squeeze random things in the vice, play with magnets, charge car batteries. He always told me to be weary of the acid. It probably wasn’t the safest area for me to be, but I was supervised and nothing bad every happened to me or my cousins.

We would hop on a bus, and go all over Vancouver. We would take the Sea Bus to North Vancouver or take the bus to the airport to watch the planes land and take off. We went camping in his motor home and on nights when I would just stay there we always camped out in the motor home in the backyard. Winter or summer, it didn’t matter. He’d let me stay up late playing cards (rummy, crazy 8’s, poker) and had infinite amount of time.

That man can fix anything. I love him and am glad that I got some time with him and I want Aaron to get to know him before he passes. (Lets be real, he’s 88 it’s something I need to keep in the back of my mind.)When my grandma passed away when I was 13, it wasn’t long before he had a new girlfriend who move din shortly after they met. (6 months after they met?) I acted like a jealous daughter of a step-mom, and I lost a part of his affections. But he and my grandma were more roommates after my dad and aunt left the house. At this time I am happy he found a companion to spend the better part of 12-13 years with. (She had to be put into care due to Alzheimer’s) But I wasn’t back in the day. I am just so thankful that he is still around that I can make some new memories and that he contributed to happy child hood memories that might not have been there had he not took the time.

I’ve so many memories of this man, I can’t list them all. I have memories being a toddler with him and helping him shave with his electric razor and dumping his whiskers in the toilet and saying “Bye-bye whiskers see you in the riber.” (I said riber, not river) and I had visions of seeing them when we went down to the Fraser River.

I just wanted to say how much I love and cherish my grandpa. And I got to know him. I learned more of his an my grandma’s elopement, but that will be a post for another day. A good one. I am tired.

Welcome Home!

2010-09-04T22:26:00.001-07:00

I had the worst home coming that I think I've ever had. (Even worsre than the birthday present the cat left me) After being away for 2.5 weeks, I was looking forward to coming home throwing together a dip and heading to my block party. Instead something died in my house.

Okay not, really.

But it certainly smells like something died!

While we were away we had our kitchen floor redone. (it was in bad shape.) The handyman forgot to ensure the fridge was plugged in and everything in my fridge and freezer rotted. I kid you not. Everything had to go. I had soups, meat sauces, veggies, bread, and frozen juice in there. Now it's sitting in a bin on the side of my house. I have no idea what the garbage man will think.

My house reeks. I called the handy man in tears, he said he made sure it was on. I couldn't talk to him. Since Eric is away and we arrived home during our block party I had to of my neighbours move the fridge so we could plug it back in. There is a power bar back there. I never knew this.

This house it that old. This house is a POS. We wouldn't buy it in a million years. It just happens to be in a really nice neighbourhood.

I had to share this news. Now I've got unpacking to do along with getting my house smelling good. All the Indian spices I bought the other day ought to do the trick.

I am SO glad I don't have back to school to deal with!

Camping, Round 1

2010-09-04T10:14:00.001-07:00

Here are some pics of our trip last weekend. The pictures of Aaron and his cousin are when he waded out into the lake and got stuck, I had to coax her back to get him with chips. After she got him, they held hands along the shore it was so sweet. Pictures to follow of our luxury camping in my grandpa's RV.