Sadness

***Disclaimer, this post is on Abortion. If you find this issue particularity emotional, you may not want to read this***

I am struggling right now with something that isn’t my issue. I’ve not made it my issue but it effects me. This is my blog, and my place to get my thoughts and feelings out there; which is a reason why I started to blog. A friend of mine recently found out she is pregnant. She had chosen to terminate her pregnancy. This saddens me more than I can say. It’s actually been keeping me up at night. I told her I’ll be there for her no matter what she does including driving her to her appointment.
This doesn’t sit well with me. I am morally opposed to abortions. They don’t sit well with me. I’ve had friends who have had them for various reasons and have told me after the fact. So I was never in the know prior to the procedure. When I was in my younger years, it saddened me beyond belief. In recent years when a friend has confided in me over this I kinda just say “Oh yay? Are you okay with it? How are you feeling?” and if their emotionally okay with I don’t give it a second thought as it’s in the past and my dwelling can’t change what’s been done.

I’ve never been in the know, prior to it taking place. And I can’t separate myself from the fact that there is the beginning of a life inside of my friend. I don’t care what you call it. It can be a fetus, an embryo or a group of cells. It’s the beginning of a human life, no matter what part of pregnancy you’re in.

I wish my friend could make a different choice, but it’s not my choice or my place to ask her to do different. When she told me, I asked her if would consider adoption and she said that she couldn’t go through a pregnancy and give up her baby and keeping it isn’t in the cards for her at this point in her life. She has made this choice because it best suits her life at this moment. I completely understand why she is doing this. And if I were in her shoes, I can’t say that I wouldn’t consider it. Having never had an unplanned pregnancy, I can’t say what I would do. But in my heart I don’t think I could end a pregnancy without going through sheer emotional hell.

I am not telling her to what degree that this saddens me. That isn’t my job. I don’t want to make her feel any worse about her situation than she already feels. This isn’t about me it’s about her. My job as her friend is to not judge and to be there for her and support her in whatever choice she makes. She said she chose to tell me because she knows I will not judge her or make her feel guilty.

She knows I am sad, and I left it at that. She is the same length in her pregnancy as I was with Aaron 3 years ago, so I know exactly what she is going through based on the duration she is and the time of year. She is me 3 years later, but making a different choice.

I wish I hadn’t agreed to take her to her appointment. But she needs me, so I am going to be there. I said I can’t go in the room with her, I just can’t. I would probably start crying and she doesn’t need that and I can’t be her strength if I am bawling like a baby.

I’ll wait in the waiting room. She said knowing I am in the building will give her strength and she chose to have me go with her over the father has he wouldn’t be able to keep her strong and build her up. I don’t know what I’ll be thinking in the waiting room. I don’t even want to be in the vicinity of the place because what it does. I couldn’t even get an IUD at the clinic here in town as they perform abortions there. And I wouldn’t be comfortable getting IUD inserted while some woman down the hall is having a procedure done.

I wish I were stronger and could turn off these thoughts and feelings, but I can’t change who I am. I guess I am Pro Life but allow people to make there on choices and not judge them for it.

Some of my friends have been wrecked by going through an abortion, others just think of it as a medical procedure and don’t give it a second thought. This friend isn’t like that so I need to be there for her in whatever way she needs me. I am glad that she trusts me enough with this over her other friends. I just hope I can be strong for her when she needs me the most.