Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Math Doesn't Lie

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around my brain right now. I had my AFC antral follicle count this morning and I have 3 follicles. One on one ovary and two on another. That’s less than I had back in September.

MY FSH results are lower. 9.9. Which is are borderline. Based on this info alone, I am not a good candidate to be a donor. I am disappointed, but it’s probably in the cards. I’ve been told by the Dr. (Whom I love) that if I want to have another child sooner is better than later. A second child isn’t the cards at this time. This might mean shouldn’t I put off having another child, that I may have difficulties conceiving later in life.

I don’t see that as a reason to try. I want to do a post on why a second child isn’t in the cards for us at this time. The gist of it is I don’t feel I am the best parent nor do I feel I was cut out for parenthood in the ways that I thought it was. I love Aaron. I love him to death and I want what is best for him. I feel that I am better off being the best mom that I can possibly to one child than a mediocre mom to two children.

I had really bad post partum depression and Eric and I don’t have a support system here so it just doesn’t seem logical right now. I am undecided for the most part. The yearning for a second child is there. But knowing I probably wouldn’t do a very good job at parenting two is enough of a reason to not entertain the idea at this time

If being an egg donor will affect my fertility down the road, it’s another reason to take a look at being one. Things just aren’t adding up, My numbers (Math doesn’t lie), m and Aaron who may or may not have some form of Autism.

All this news had my head spinning last week.

Today I am calm as I have other stuff that needs to be dealt with. Aaron comes first. As does my family.

I have a Christmas party to get ready for tonight, one which seems of little importance and has lost it’s excitement. Eric has a cold, I was sick for his party last year it is fitting he would be this year.

I just have Aaron on the brain. I want to try to go lie down and digest this all some more.

1 comment:

jenicini said...

Wow that's a lot of news to take in. You know I think it takes a lot of strength as a parent to admit that you'd rather focus on one child than not be able to do 100% for two kids. It's not an easy decision.