Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

We parked behind this car at the mall today. It has to mean something right?

Monday, December 27, 2010

First Outing

When I sat down to write tonight, I was intending to write about the getting there portion of our Christmas. This post focused on my cat, and I wanted to upload some pictures of her from our trip to give you some visuals but, I got side tracked.

The memory card in our camera happened to be one that Eric had in his old cell phone, I am got taken back in time looking at over 600 photos of various memories over the last 2 years. Many of them were of Aaron. Pictures, I have seen in quite some time. And I was lost in time.

I never blogged much about Aaron when he was little. I had post partum depression and blogging was the furthest thing from my mind and I just didn't have the energy for it. A lot of his babyhood/new mommyhood memories have come flooding back with a vengeance and I want to document them before I forget. Hell, I still haven't written his birth story. I wrote half of it last March/April but I never completed it. I only did this little ditty.

Tonight I am going to focus on our first outing.

This is Aaron on his first day home from the hospital at 2 days old. On all of our outings, he would be done up like with candy cane receiving blankets, one covering his lap, another blanket on top and another one to cover him if it was raining. Going out was quite the ordeal.  

It was a Saturday and Aaron was 5 days old. My sister came to visit us and she asked how I felt about venturing out of the house. I was up for it. It wasn't anything to exciting, and Aaron was sleeping in 3 hour blocks at this point so it was safe to venture out. I was scared beyond belief that he would wake up and I wouldn't know where/how to feed him. This caused me a great deal of anxiety.

Sometime in the early afternoon we packed Aaron up in his infant seat and diaper bag and off we went to Wal-Mart. I remember my sister telling me I was taking too much stuff in the diaper bag, but being a new mom I thought the more the better. I hadn't left the house at this point except to run up to the drug store with a neighbour and I was gone for 15 minutes at the most.

So we went to Wal-Mart and trolled the baby section. I had Aaron in his infant seat in a shopping cart or a stroller. I think it was the stroller. My sister wanted to buy me a baby gift and I remember her getting him a Tigger outfit and a blue stuffie/blanky square thingy and I probably got a few other items and all was well. He slept through the entire time.

We then headed over to Superstore as my sister wanted to cook a gourmet meal for us (much appreciated!) but I told her I would love some fajitas. I had Aaron in the shopping cart in his car seat. Gloria needed to go off to get something and left me in the produce area. I thought she'd be going a a few minutes but it turned into a life time it seemed. She didn't have a cell phone so I had no way to get a hold of her. Superstore is massive!

I was literally having an anxiety attack although I didn't realize it at the time. I was sweating and panicking that the baby would wake up, and I wouldn't have a clue where to feed him. (He was breast fed and at that point I had only nursed him at home either on the couch or in bed with a breast feeding pillow.) I had to have everything just so before nursing could commence. She being a mother 3 had already been there and done that. ***TMI WARNING.*** (Any man or the squeamish may want to gloss over the rest of this paragraph.) I also wasn't up to using a public bathroom at this point either for fear of getting an infection and needing to use my squirt/douche bottle after every trip to the bathroom. After you give birth vaginally, you will need to douche with warm water after every trip to the bathroom for a few weeks. Not to mention urine stings your stitches (And I only had 4) and cried like a baby every time I went to the bathroom if my IB Profen had worn off.

After what seemed like a life time, and me scanning high and low while not leaving my area of the store for Gloria, she returned much to my relief. I don't know what I said to her, but she didn't think it was a big deal. If there was any indicator that I was headed for some pretty bad PPD, I am sure that outing was one.

Aaron slept through the entire outing, and my anxiety was not needed. He slept right up until we arrived home. We even had the pleasure of a road stop/seat belt check in our neighbourhood much to my surprise on way home. I think we got a chuckle out of the police officer as we explained it was our first outing and everyone passed with flying colours. Even Aaron, crammed into his car seat sans head rest with 2 rolled up receiving blankets wedged next to him like little candy canes.

Our second outing was less anxiety ridden complete with my first breast feeding in public experience. We went to a breast feeding friendly cafe where I knew some mom's. Here entered the new found fear of Aaron coming in contact with outside germs. That is another post for another time.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Let It Rain, Let It Rain, Let It Rain

That's what's in the forecast for the umpteenth number of days here on the Wet Coast.

That's what the forecast calls for folks! This picture depicts Vancouver on any rain sodden day purrfectly. It's been five years since I've had a Christmas at home and Vancouver has not failed to deliver.

It's rainy, not cold and a balmy 7 degrees. No need to pack snow gear, gloves or a tuke. Only yer umbrella is needed. So far I've yet to capture a Christmas from my childhood. I think it's safe to say that my childhood Christmases are in the past.

Hopefully, next year Aaron will know what is going on and I can live vicariously through his excitement.
I am keeping it real here on the Wet Coast. And so far it`s been gloomy.

We have an autism assessment come January for Aaron. Hopefully some light will be shed. When I got the call for the appointments, I thought  I would be relieved, but all I wanted to do was cry after I got off the phone. The realism of this has hit me. And Eric will be away for the second course of Aaron`s evaluation, so I don`t know what this will mean or how I will cope if the findings are positive. I will try to not think about it until then.

Right now I will wish you all a Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Monday, December 20, 2010

What I Want For Christmas

Tis the season! All I want for Christmas is to have a Christmas like I did as a little girl. It's not about presents giving or receiving or having a certain tree. I want to be with MY family.

A typical Christmas for me as a child was to spend Christmas Eve at either my mom's or my dad's depending on the year. Followed by dinner at my mom's or my aunt's depending on whose house I spent the night at on Christmas Eve.

If I spent the night at my dad's (my residence) we would do gifts and breakfast then head to my aunt's for a gathering around noon where I would spend a few hours visiting with grandparents and cousins. Then it would be off to my mom's place for dinner.

If I spent Christmas Eve at my mom's, I'd do stockings and presents with my brother and sister(s) depending on the year and then I'd go to my aunt's for dinner.

This year will be the first in four years that I get to spend Christmas at my dad's. My last few Christmases looked like this.

2006: Calgary at Eric's parents place

2007: Our new place that we spent together and my dad joined us for dinner. We made our own traditions going to Butchart Gardens on Christmas Eve, I baked an apple pie and we had homemade waffles for breakfast

2008: Was spent in Calgary at Eric's parents again and my dad flew up so Aaron could spend Christmas with 1.5 half of his grandparents.

2009: Was spent here at home in Victoria and mt dad joined us.

I want this Christmas to be ones like when I was a child. Christmas was a happy time and I want to get that feeling back. I know if I do see my mom on Christmas day it will be short and we'll just stop by. She doesn't do anything for Christmas anymore and it's rather depressing. I can remember on Christmas where she hosted around 15 people for dinner. That was a loud, but fun Christmas as one of my sister's friend and her kids came over.

Nothing is simple anymore. Nothing can be the same I just hope that Aaron cam enjoy his Christmases with fond memories.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Consistently Inconsitent

- That's the only thing consistent about me. It's true. With blogging, parenting, job searching, driving, keeping house. It's most frustrating and I wish I was better at being consistent.

- I was googling random crap due to boredom and came across a website called. Is It Normal? There is some seriously messed up crap on there if you search it and click on random links.

- On the Aaron front he has started playing with a stuffed animal the other night. He was feeding it a bottle, laying it down, trying to make it stand. This just amazes us as he has never shown any interest in make believe with his animals. He played with it again before bed last night and slept with it and I tucked it in.

- My boobs hurt. I am sure you didn't need to know that BUT for the life of me I couldn't figure out why. The last time they hurt was when I was pregnant and breast feeding. And NO I am not pregnant. I just had my period last week. Then I had an epiphany early this morning while having my one of my middle of the night bathroom trips. (*I have the bladder of an old lady) I just started back on the pill. As any teenage girls knows, the pill makes your boobs bigger. DUH! No wonder my boobs hurt. I have been on the pill pretty much since I was 16 but take a year off when I got pregnant and was pregnant. I went back on it when I was 6 weeks post partum and was on it until I went off it to do all those test for being an egg donor. Needless to say, my body is reacting to being on it.

- Speaking donating, Liz is doing pretty well. We talked on the weekend and she said she might just let it be and not be focused on having a second baby and live her life. We will keep in touch and she will be over here in the new year getting a sonohystogram at the fertility clinic here that the Dr. offered her for free. If anyone reading this lives anywhere near Victoria and wants to see and awesome fertility doctor. I can't recommend Victoria Fertility Center enough. The staff are kindest and most caring people I've ever meet in the medical community and they put their patients first

* A testament at how small my bladder really is. I had to have an ultrasound the other day for bladder issues and I drank the prerequisite 32oz (1 litre) of water required before my procedure and the tech performing it told me I drank too much water for me only need about half that amount next time. I had to pee so bad I was in pain. Lucky me, for once a medical staff was on time. The tech said a vagisound was preferable and if I was comfortable, next time request one. I think it's safe to say that I am.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Why I Shouldn't Drink Coffee After 8pm

Or a double Americano. When in Rome. I went to a concert/story telling tonight. I went and saw these two women. I was invited and tagged along. It's not in my normal realm of things to do but I am into doing new things and seeing a lesbian duo is well within my comfort zone. So I drank coffee, because there was no wine. I like my coffee, but not late at night. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight.

I really took in what they had to say. The friends that I went with told me that they have seen them play to the straight crowd and hadn't seen them cater to the gay/lesbian angle before. But I get it, it is who they are. I was expecting to laugh more than I did, but being straight some of the humour may have been over my head. I really enjoyed the music and hope to see Kate Reid and Ivan Coyote perform again. Lucky me, they both live in Vancouver so I don't think it will be hard to see.

The one thing I took away from their performance is how important it is that I teach Aaron to be accepting of people for who they are while he is growing up. I may not get how it is the be gay and in the closet or how scary is must be to hide who you are but I get how it is to hide who I am.

What I mean by that was I wasn't accepted much by my peer groups growing up and often felt like an outcast. At times I still do. I don't feel like I for in anywhere at many times. I don't fit in the military wife community, or the 20-something military girlfriend crowd.  I don't fit in with the SAHM mom crowd, or the blogging crowd. The people Eric and I hang out with paths do not cross. We don't have couple friends with kids the same age and our friends are entirely different. I have been going through my life most of the time feeling as though I don't belong and I don't want that for Aaron.

I want him to just be a regular kid who isn't picked on like his mother was. I don't want him to be popular or in with any crowd. I don't know how to do this. I try to get him together as often as I can with his "friends" I have a couple of mommy friends and our boys are the same age but half the time play dates don't work out do to scheduling. I really don't know where the hell I am going with this post...

One thing I know I miss happier times. I feel Vancouver calling me all the time and it's a curse and blessing. Victoria still doesn't feel like home to me. Maybe that's my fault. I can go to Vancouver and pick up where I left off with old friends which is a blessing, but it's also a curse because when I am there I miss out on the happenings here. I wish I could be happy in the here and the now, not always wishing I was somewhere else. When I am there, I wish I was here and feel guilty partaking in events with my friends when I leave Aaron for a night. And when I am here, I wish I was there partaking in events with my friends. It's not a fun feeling.

Tara broke up with TM this week and I wish I was out with her while she out at getting to know a hottie co-worker who seems into her. But being at home with the family is more important. This is just verbal diarrhea.

So some updates are in order.

I haven't heard from Liz since I told her my test results. She is crushed to say the least I know while she moves onto her next step in having a baby. I really want to find her a donor, but I'd be jumping the gun on that one.

And here is some really good news. I have a job interview in the coming weeks with the provincial government! Whoa Boy! I am excited. It will be the most involved interview that I have ever had. They gave me the questions so that I could prepare. I won't say what capacity it is in. Being the capital, there are a lot of gov't jobs. So I don't think I'll be blowing the whistle on myself should I get it which is a LONG shot. But a shot none the less.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Math Doesn't Lie

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around my brain right now. I had my AFC antral follicle count this morning and I have 3 follicles. One on one ovary and two on another. That’s less than I had back in September.

MY FSH results are lower. 9.9. Which is are borderline. Based on this info alone, I am not a good candidate to be a donor. I am disappointed, but it’s probably in the cards. I’ve been told by the Dr. (Whom I love) that if I want to have another child sooner is better than later. A second child isn’t the cards at this time. This might mean shouldn’t I put off having another child, that I may have difficulties conceiving later in life.

I don’t see that as a reason to try. I want to do a post on why a second child isn’t in the cards for us at this time. The gist of it is I don’t feel I am the best parent nor do I feel I was cut out for parenthood in the ways that I thought it was. I love Aaron. I love him to death and I want what is best for him. I feel that I am better off being the best mom that I can possibly to one child than a mediocre mom to two children.

I had really bad post partum depression and Eric and I don’t have a support system here so it just doesn’t seem logical right now. I am undecided for the most part. The yearning for a second child is there. But knowing I probably wouldn’t do a very good job at parenting two is enough of a reason to not entertain the idea at this time

If being an egg donor will affect my fertility down the road, it’s another reason to take a look at being one. Things just aren’t adding up, My numbers (Math doesn’t lie), m and Aaron who may or may not have some form of Autism.

All this news had my head spinning last week.

Today I am calm as I have other stuff that needs to be dealt with. Aaron comes first. As does my family.

I have a Christmas party to get ready for tonight, one which seems of little importance and has lost it’s excitement. Eric has a cold, I was sick for his party last year it is fitting he would be this year.

I just have Aaron on the brain. I want to try to go lie down and digest this all some more.

Monday, December 6, 2010

This and That

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with my son. Sometimes I think he is a normal child than others somethings just aren't right.

His assessment can't come soon enough. I've been told there is a 3 month wait. He was referred in October that puts us into January. I haven't blogged about it, as there is nothing to say. Or at least there wasn't.

The staff at his daycare commented that he shows certain signs of autism. He rocks and he is repetitive. My dad does both of these things. A family friend of ours son has Aspergers and she mentioned some of the parallels in Aspergers and my dad. He is looking at getting an assessment. It would explain a lot.

The not picking up on social queues, the repetitiveness in his speech, the rocking. Going on with long monologues talking about stuff that has little interest of anyone but himself.

Autism is carried through male genes. Grandpa and Aaron have similarities... It's beginning to make more and more sense.

Being an egg donor and autism do not go hand in hand. I don't know this for a fact, but I don't think it's ethical. I assume fertility clinics won't accept candidates who are carriers or have family members who have it.

When I saw the Dr. at the clinic here last week, I asked him if my FSH levels could be an indicator if I may have fertility issues down the road and he says it's hard to say. He's seen donors with my levels go on to conceive no problem. A second child right now isn't in the picture. But I am open to the possibility a few years down the road. Or not. I am undecided.

I was instructed to get a second FSH test and and another antral follicle count. I had my day 3 FSH test today and I have an AFC on Wednesday. I am interested to know the results, but at the same time I don't really care.

I am more concerned with getting Aaron assessed so if he has some form of autism be it high functioning autism or Aspergers we can start getting him the help he needs now so he can have a happy and normal childhood and hopefully not have social issues.

That's what been floating around here. And the job search continues.

I did make a quick overnight trip to Vancouver to see Tara on the weekend. I got a call with her in tears and went to cheer her up and to help her see the light about TM. I think she may be coming to her senses. One thing that got me was when I said to her "I am not going to kick you when your down" and commented that TM would. Who does that? Another friend of hers and I spent some quality time with her. She has some big decisions to make in the near future.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Try Not To Look So Sad

That's what Eric said to me as I was leaving to go out last night when I asked him how I looked. I've turned into a bit of an insomniac lately. I am going on 3 days of very little sleep. Throw in a teething toddler and you have one tired me.

I have a lot of stuff on my mind. The lack of job, higher than normal FSH levels, a son who is going for an autism assessment at some point and then some. And I am not sleeping well. I still haven't even got a date for Aaron's assessment. I don't expect any pull or leeway, BUT a date for an assessment would be nice so I can plan my life for the next month.

So with all this going on, I went out with a friend last night. We went to a Bluegrass show. On of her friend's was performing so I tagged along. The first thing I thought I we walked into the venue was "OMG were the youngest people here by 20 years. WTF was I thinking??"

I didn't take me long to get into it. For my love of country music, I am surprised that I never gave Bluegrass music a chance. I got into and the evening passed fairly quickly taking my mind off things.. I was home early and thought I might finally pass out due to exhaustion, but Aaron saw that it wouldn't be the case.

We put him to bed early for him. He went down before 7:30pm and was passed out in 5 minutes. We didn't hear a peep from him until 12:30am. Gah. To him it was a long nap and he was up from then till 2:30am. I couldn't settle him evening taking him to bed wouldn't work. He tossed and turned, put his feet in my face ans started to kick. GAH. I can't leave him to his own devices when he is in pain. I didn't know if he just wanted to play because he wasn't tired or if he was in pain.

My boy needs some serious schedule resetting. He was up at 6:30am for daycare. I am only doing half days for him right now. I could've had Eric drop him off, but as this is his first real day I wanted to drop him off and get him settled. Eric can't do so as he has to be to work by 8. So it was drop daddy off at work, Aaron at daycare and me to go home and have a nap.

But, I couldn't sleep despite my best efforts. So I met up with a friend at the mall and did some window shopping. I was going to pick Aaron up a few presents but changed my mind because I can probably get the, in the States cheaper. I gotta give my dad a ring and arrange a day to borrow his car.

This is just verbal diarrhea. I got a call from the firm to find out that I DIDN'T get the job before I went out last night. The guy said he liked me and felt I would be competent but they went with someone who was referred by someone who had to job for years. GAH! He said he'd keep my resume on file. And I believe him. The fact that he called to let me know speak volumes for this employer.

I also have an appointment with the Dr. at the fertility clinic today. They got me in fast. Another reason, why I prefer the clinic here to Vancouver. I wonder what he will say about my FSH levels... I am trying to not get over anxious but it's hard not do.