Monday, May 31, 2010

She Could've Been Mine...

Three years ago my sister had a baby and I fell in love. Ava ended up in foster care for a year and Eric and I were considering fostering her and adopting her. My sister has a subtance abuse issue and wasn't deemed about the care for her by Social Services. I used to go over to Vancouver and visit Ava on weekends. We didn't end up taking her as I got pregnant with Aaron.

We didn't think it was right to to take on a one-year-old and a new born having no parenting experience ourselves and my other sister Susan and her husband offered to take her. So she stayed in the family and was placed with them shortly after her 1st birthday.

I had the oppertunity to look after her this weekend and I fell in love with her all over again. She is a smart and beautiful little girl. She hardly gave me any trouble. Probably because I am a new caregiver and not her "mom" as my sister Susan is. Her and her husband have 3 children of their own and have been around the parenting block a few times.

I kept thinking to myself 'What if we had taken Ava in...' and 'Parenting two toddlers isn't that bad.'

I laugh at myself now for my naivety. Saturday was okay, Sunday was another story and I had my dad to help me. I can barely keep on top of things alone with Aaron when Eric is out at sea to parent two kids solo would have me in an early grave. After 24 hours, I was exhausted. But I enjoyed myself none the less.

I love being around a little girl. She can talk and communicate things to me. Simple things; like when she is hungry and has to use the bathroom. She also has opinion on things like what shoes she prefers and dresses she likes.

My sister only sent her down with sandals as she has out grown her shoes so I took her shoe shopping at Super Store. I went for socks for her and we left with a new pair of shoes and a dress. Oh if Aaron had been a girl, my bank account would be $0.00. When he needs new clothes I head to TCP and get what is needed and we are good for a season. If I had a girl, I'd always be picking her up new clothes.

Along with talking comes questions oh the questions. Which I didn't mind. She helped me blow dry my hair while I got ready for church and she asked about each item of make-up I was applying and if she could wear some. I put a little blush on her and some sparkles (an iridescent powder by MAC) she smiled when I put the blush brush to her cheeks. You couldn’t tell she was wearing it. I said no to mascara. I am not opposed to little girls wearing make-up as long as it is minimal and innocent things like nail polish, lip gloss and blush. In another life she could’ve been mine, but that isn’t the case.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I Hate It When He Does This

But then again it’s my fault. It’s 10:37pm and my 2 YO son is still awake. I did have him out past an acceptable nap time and I let him have a late nap so of course he is fighting sleep. All I want to do is go to bed myself.

I maybe got 3 hours of sleep last night? A sore back and a crappy bed were contributing factors. The night before last I tossed and turned all night. Some how I managed to get through the day without a nap and one cup of coffee. I think it was spending time with friends that kept me going.

The little guy hasn’t been eating much the last week. He is cutting his 2 year molars and has a cold but nothing has come through yet. It seems like forever since he started cutting his molars. Needless, to say I’ve been in worry mode. Thank-god he is drinking his formula today. I still have him on it as he eats poorly. It isn’t that I don’t offer him his favourite foods or anything I eat he is picky at the moment. I am working on a schedule for him and a meal plan…


Aaron is still fighting it. 5 minutes into the post I had to go in and console him as he was hysterical. I don’t believe in crying-it-out. I let him cry when warranted and know the difference between his cries. But as he can’t verbally tell me what he wants he cries for a reason. I know the whiny “I’m tired but fighting sleep” cry and when it’s to be ignored.

I wonder if maybe he has a fear of the dark? His light has a dimming option so I always leave it on just a tad. He all of a sudden has fear of the bathtub drain. When water is being let out of the tub he will scream bloody murder I you don’t get him out ASAP. And this is a cry of fear. Tonight I wanted to give him a good rinse as I had some Johnson and Johnson Soothing Baby Vapor Bath in the tub for his cold but he has really dry skin so I didn’t want that to be the last stuff to touch his skin so I lathered him up in his Aveeno wash and gave him a quick rinse. He wasn’t happy.

The poor kid. He’s teething, has a cold, has no appetite, had some major runny diaper issues today… I was hoping and praying he wasn’t coming down with a GI related illness. So far it was just a few episodes. Well the little dude is quiet. That is my cue to hit the hay also.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Dashed Dreams

So I’ve effectively ruined my chances of ever being a barista at Starbucks. (In my teen years this was a goal. Why on earth I don’t know. I went and got my nose pierced. Starbucks doesn’t allow its employees to have facial piercings. (Interesting no?)

Why would I do this in my late 20’s? I’ve been thinking about it for awhile and I’ve been talking about it for months. So I went and did it. Finally, somewhat on a whim. I didn’t have an appointment, I was downtown with Aaron and I had two goals in mind. To buy a pair of jeans and to get my nose pierced. I strolled into the piercing/tattoo parlor 10 minutes before closing and stated my intentions. Ten minutes later I left with an additional hole in my head and felt very dizzy.

(There is a lesson to be learned here. If you’re going to go get a hole willingly added to your body don’t do so on an empty stomach.)

The plan was to buy jeans, get pierced go home and whip up dinner for Aaron and I. What ended up happening was I got my nose pierced (I’m not going to lie it hurt) paid, proceeded to the diaper bag and popped the top of Aaron’s sippy cup and drank his diluted apple juice. I think the fear of the pain; the rush of adrenaline and an empty stomach all were contributing factors. The piercer let me leave after I assured him repeatedly I’d be fine and that I was going to eat ASAP. I then booked it to Subway and proceeded to guzzle half a bottle of orange juice before I had even paid for my sandwich.

After the orange juice I felt much better. I got us to the car and at my sandwich before I drove. I’ve now had the piercing for nearly 2 weeks and I quite like it. For those who are interested I got a plain diamond stud in my nostril.

What I thought would be bug me about it seemingly hasn’t. I thought that having my sinitis/rhinitis and always blowing my nose would bug me the most. Surprisingly it doesn’t. It’s the feeling that I have to constantly pick my nose.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Break Up

We all know that breaking up is hard to do. I finally did it. After talking about it forever I finally did it and it feels SO FREAKING GOOD. I finally got the nerve (and finding someone better helped me in my decison too) I broke up with my mobile phone carrier! It was a 3 year exclusive relationship the began back in 2004. You see I am loyal. I worked for said mobile company in the past for 3 years and in return I got a free phone. When I was no longer able to work them due to geographical restrictions I entered into an exclusive relationship with them. For 3 years, Which was 2 years too long.

As of last month, my obligation to them has ended. I’ve tried to make things work with them but they couldn’t woo me any longer. Although my plan was kick ass, they couldn’t match what the new guy can. I don’t mind revealing my new carrier to y'all as I have no bad feelings towards them. I won’t reveal the ex as I wouldn’t want to cloud anyone who is considering them as their wireless provider and everyone deserves a chance right? I will say it’s one of the big 3 wireless providers in the country, but that is all I will reveal.

For my American counter parts reading the wireless industry in Canada is atrocious compared to you. Sadly, our rates will never be as good as yours. Demographics play a key role as we have the population of California with just as much of an area to cover with cell towers so we get charged for things like voicemail and call display. But one can hope with the new guy things will change. And if something better comes along, I don’t have a contract and am free to leave. I feel liberated!

I feel like Tom Cruise feels in Jerry McGuire after he "signs" Cush and is driving his rental down the freeway.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Some days I feel like a chameleon. I can blend into almost any situation that I find myself in. I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I spent the past weekend in Vancouver with Aaron. When I go to Vancouver I tend to burn the candle at both ends as there are places to go and people to see.

I’ve been doing some self reflecting lately and have been feeling very hypocritical in my daily life. I take on different roles throughout the week depending on where I happen to be. On Friday I was a 20-something girl shopping; Friday night I was a girl in a bar; Saturday I was a loving daughter and attentive mother; Saturday night I was a Christian attending church. Sunday I was a mother, sister and daughter.

I don’t get out often but when I do I like to let loose to a point. My dad said he would watch Aaron on Friday night so I did what I would do in my past life. I got together with a friend, had a few drinks at her place and we hit up Granville St. downtown Vancouver and ended up in a club. (We took public transportation there, took a cab home and I spent the night at her place.) And I had a blast. I danced till 1am in heals and was just a regular girl in a bar hanging with her BFF. I was dressed for the part and acted the part.

I ask myself is this me or am I acting? When I talk to people I meet at the bar and they ask me what I do feel quite stupid saying I am a stay-at-home-mom, as there is a stigma attached to moms who party. I was in bed by 3am I got about 5.5 hours of sleep I didn’t drink myself into oblivion nor did I have a hang over. I was back at my dad’s on time to attend a parade with him and Aaron. I amaze myself that I can seemingly transform from a girl in a bar to loving daughter and attentive mother in the span of a few hours. And I feel like a hypocrite and guilty at times.

As a mom I need time to myself and to have fun. I can still be the girl I was before I became a mother. I will always be that girl, and that won’t change. Before I decided to become a mother I was over the whole party thing and it was quite boring. My idea of a good wasn’t drinking myself into a stupor on Friday and Saturday nights and using Sunday to recover. A day recovering from a hangover is a day wasted. I have better things to do with my time than nurse a hangover. I thought this way even before I became a parent. I might drink once a month. A far cry from when I was 19 and hitting the bars 3 nights a week. Even when I was newly legal I wouldn’t party 2 nights in a row. If I drank Friday night, I was DD on Saturday night. I’ve always had this rule that I didn’t get sauced 2 nights in a row as it shows a lack of control and can lead down a dangerous path. But I still like to have fun now and then. Some days I feel like such an imposter.

I know I am not. But I feel like one. I am not a good Christian as I was raised to be and I live in guilt daily for not being married and living in sin.

I am a good person and try to be a good Christian but I don’t feel like one. I feel like a Chameleon. I am not living my life in a manner worthy of His calling. I feel guilty for not taking Aaron to church more.
When I was 12 weeks pregnant with Aaron I was in my old church before I started showing and I vowed to raise Aaron to be a man of God and so far I have failed and I need to change. But part of me just wants to go out and have the kind of fun I did before I had him and I am torn.

Either I am a chameleon or a damn good imposter.