Some days I feel like a chameleon. I can blend into almost any situation that I find myself in. I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I spent the past weekend in Vancouver with Aaron. When I go to Vancouver I tend to burn the candle at both ends as there are places to go and people to see.
I’ve been doing some self reflecting lately and have been feeling very hypocritical in my daily life. I take on different roles throughout the week depending on where I happen to be. On Friday I was a 20-something girl shopping; Friday night I was a girl in a bar; Saturday I was a loving daughter and attentive mother; Saturday night I was a Christian attending church. Sunday I was a mother, sister and daughter.
I don’t get out often but when I do I like to let loose to a point. My dad said he would watch Aaron on Friday night so I did what I would do in my past life. I got together with a friend, had a few drinks at her place and we hit up Granville St. downtown Vancouver and ended up in a club. (We took public transportation there, took a cab home and I spent the night at her place.) And I had a blast. I danced till 1am in heals and was just a regular girl in a bar hanging with her BFF. I was dressed for the part and acted the part.
I ask myself is this me or am I acting? When I talk to people I meet at the bar and they ask me what I do feel quite stupid saying I am a stay-at-home-mom, as there is a stigma attached to moms who party. I was in bed by 3am I got about 5.5 hours of sleep I didn’t drink myself into oblivion nor did I have a hang over. I was back at my dad’s on time to attend a parade with him and Aaron. I amaze myself that I can seemingly transform from a girl in a bar to loving daughter and attentive mother in the span of a few hours. And I feel like a hypocrite and guilty at times.
As a mom I need time to myself and to have fun. I can still be the girl I was before I became a mother. I will always be that girl, and that won’t change. Before I decided to become a mother I was over the whole party thing and it was quite boring. My idea of a good wasn’t drinking myself into a stupor on Friday and Saturday nights and using Sunday to recover. A day recovering from a hangover is a day wasted. I have better things to do with my time than nurse a hangover. I thought this way even before I became a parent. I might drink once a month. A far cry from when I was 19 and hitting the bars 3 nights a week. Even when I was newly legal I wouldn’t party 2 nights in a row. If I drank Friday night, I was DD on Saturday night. I’ve always had this rule that I didn’t get sauced 2 nights in a row as it shows a lack of control and can lead down a dangerous path. But I still like to have fun now and then. Some days I feel like such an imposter.
I know I am not. But I feel like one. I am not a good Christian as I was raised to be and I live in guilt daily for not being married and living in sin.
I am a good person and try to be a good Christian but I don’t feel like one. I feel like a Chameleon. I am not living my life in a manner worthy of His calling. I feel guilty for not taking Aaron to church more.
When I was 12 weeks pregnant with Aaron I was in my old church before I started showing and I vowed to raise Aaron to be a man of God and so far I have failed and I need to change. But part of me just wants to go out and have the kind of fun I did before I had him and I am torn.
Either I am a chameleon or a damn good imposter.