Friday, October 29, 2010

Friday Nights

I don't know what it is about Friday nights, but Friday night seems to be my night to blog. Aaron is in bed, Eric is at buddy's place and it's just me and the cat.

This week has been interesting mix of laughter, tears and frustration on every ones part. We all had/have had colds, we're adjusting to life as a family of 3 instead of 2 and Aaron picked this week to cut his top set of two-year molars.

The frustration stems mainly from Aaron's lack of ability to express himself which comes out in a series of cries, whines and "Uh." Eric isn't aware of Aaron's cues and if we try to help in the slightest bit accomplish a task unless he asks for our help a meltdown will occur.

Aaron spent the majority of the day with me and when it's just us one on one he does much better. It's a transition having Eric home. Aaron is a little confused as we moved his car seat from my car to Eric's back to mine. He never seems sure which car he should be going in. We're running both cars for a couple of weeks and will take the insurance off of mine at the end of it's month and just use Eric's as the family car as we normally do. He has the sedan, I have the coupe.

It's funny how that is. When Eric first got to Victoria, he went car shopping. He had a car in mind and budget. He found what he wanted, fell in love and said "I'll take it!" before he made it around the block on his test drive. I am sure the salesman remembers that as the easiest sale in his career. They didn't have a 2-doors in stock so he took the 4-door. When I moved in with him in 2003 I was a little embarrassed to drive this fancy 4-door family car. It turns out, the lack of the dealership having a 2 door in stock served us well 5 years later.

When I bought my car in 2004 when I moved home as we broke up for 6 months in 2004, I car shopped for weeks or months seeking out a good deal. I didn't go for anything big or fancy, but I bought new so I'd have a warranty and not have to deal with any major repairs. Not needing anything fancy, I went with a coupe figuring I had years before I started a family. Ha! I wish the damn Blazer I'd been eyeing hadn't sold. I just finished paying off my coupe. I'll be damned if I am getting stuck with another car payment.

Both our cars have relatively low mileage and our in good condition so we intend to keep them, but we usually only one run car. I am fine taking the bus, walking or driving Eric to work if we need the car for the day. I've toyed with selling my car and buying something for equal value, but am not one hundred percent sure I am ready to part with the first car I bought myself.

So back to Aaron, he seems to be doing better now that his car seat is in my car for the time being. I wish there was a way to make the transition of Eric being home easier on Aaron, but I really don't know how to do that. On Eric's next big deployment he will be older and will hopefully understand what is going on. The next one 6-7 months long. I don't know how the hell we'll survive that.


I never did update anybody on the MIL front. I've successfully managed to avoid her and have minimal interaction with her since July. I realize this is unhealthy, but the woman makes my blood boil. I did write her a 25 page letter in a draft form (wrote not typed, I have large writing and used a spiral note book 1/3 smaller than most) but I never sent it or followed it up.

She did apologize to me in an email. I can accept that, but she never said what she was apologizing for and I am sick of her passive aggressive treatment of me over the years and just don't want to waste any more energy on her. I sent one 3 line email back to her in response to an email about Aaron and never responded after that.


Eric and I went downtown today and happened upon a breast cancer awareness campaign.

I am all for cancer fund raising, and awareness, but I fail to see how draping and stringing bras like streamers helps find a cure. I think the time and energy put into this would be better spent asking for donations or walking or running for the cure. It brings awareness, but what do people do once they are aware?

I'd rather donate $10 or $50 the cost of a bra to the BC Cancer Agency then donate a bra. I have no idea what they plan to do with these bras once the day is over?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

On Aaron and Things...

I feel the need to blog and feel that I should give some more updates seeing I haven’t been very consistent on the blogging front. As Eric just got home and we have bene having a lot of family time I don’t want my blogging to take away from that.

Aaron is making progress daily in his speech. He’s coming right along which is encouraging. He may not be where he should be for 2.5 years of age, but I am not going to dwell on this. I am celebrating what he can do. He can say “thank-you” in the right context. He just doesn’t use it with me, just other adults he’s familiar with. Whenever someone tells me he says “thank-you” be it a friend or a daycare teacher or Sunday school teacher, my heart swells with pride followed by thought the OMG I must be doing something right as a parent!

Aarons’ primary way to communicate with me and other adults he is familiar with is to point and say in a cave man guttural tone “Uh.” It’s really annoying but that’s his way communicating. I hate it when he does this but it isn’t surprising as I did it as a toddler. Instead of meeting his demands and stop and make him say “please.” Sometimes he will say “say” and I have to repeat “please” but when prompted he will say something other than “uh.”

I also say thank-you in the right context so it’s sinking in. It sounds silly, but repetition is key. His first word was “cat” which was soon lost on and replaced with “hot.” For the longest time all he would say was “hot” to himself at random times. It became his word as I always stressed “hot” whenever he was around the stove. So far he has yet to burn himself. I’ve caught him placing pots on the stove when it’s off and I yelled at him good for that and it scared him.

Last week he figured out how to push the glass up from underneath the table in our kitchen table. He got yelled at good and a time-out for that. He did it again a few hours when I was cooking dinner (our table in our kitchen) and I stopped what I was doing and I gave him on spank on his bum. I realize there will be parents who don’t spank their kids going in an uproar over this, but I felt I needed to make a point over as it’s a dangerous situation. His spanking was followed by a time out and he has since to do it.

I was ready to dismantle the table and put in the basement that night. I called a friend in frenzy and she suggested glass adhesive which I bought the next day. I was prepared to go without a table or to buy a new (used) one until the time passed where he wouldn’t do it. So far we haven’t had to buy one nor use the glass adhesive but I think we will.

I am at the point in my parenthood journey that I can see a light at the end of the toddler tunnel. I realize that this doesn’t sound all rosy and peachy, but I am a freaking pessimist! I had no idea what I signed on for when I decided to become a parent. Neither of us did. And without family support in the same city things can be tough. I am not someone who knows how to or is super good with small children. I do my best. I realize that right now adding to my family isn’t the wisest decision for my family.

Lately, I’ve been having pangs and yearnings of babyhood. I miss breastfeeding. I can’t believe I wrote that, but I really do. I am getting excited for Liz as we go through the journey for her to add to her family. This doesn’t not mean I will for the record try to get pregnant nor would it be a welcome surprised if I were to find myself in that boat. Eric and I are looking forward to the time in the near future when Aaron will listen to us and behave somewhat in public. We long to take a family vacation together.

I don’t think I could be a good mom to a preschooler and a baby seeing how stressed out I was just with one baby. I do see how some things would be easier the second time around but I am not up to it mentally or physically.

While I am off the pill I’ve gotten myself a diaphragm. It’s a very old school method of contraception, but I really don’t mind it so far. I use in conjunction with spermicide and coitus interuptus. (Yes, that is the pull out method.)

As soon as I get my next period and get my FSH day 3 (of my period) blood test I am going back on the pill until we start our cycle because I am most comfortable on the pill for preventing pregnancy. I am glad I have the diaphragm as a back-up considering what I had to go through to get thing as you can no longer get an Rx for one in Canada or at least BC for that matter.

I had to call a pharmacy in the States to see if they would honor an Canadian prescription, get fitted for one by my doctor, have the Rx faxed in and then pick it up 2 days later when the diaphragm came special ordered from the pharmacy’s supplier. It wasn’t a big deal as I frequently cross the border to shop when I am over in Vancouver visiting. But to most people they wouldn’t bother with do to the hassle.

But I am not liked most people, if I want something and it’s attainable, I will find a way to get it or make it happen.

I have no idea how this has gone from a post on Aaron to my method of contraception so I will take this a queue to fetch Aaron from his crib because clearly he isn’t napping today.

Monday, October 25, 2010


Eric his home. Aaron is talking more and more every day. He has adjusted well to Eric being home much to my surprise. I really wasn't sure how he would react. When his ship pulled up we were waiting there with all the other families, wives and girlfriends with our sign. It was just like you see on the news. The first sailor got to go on the brow and greet his wife then we all got to embark on the ship. When we met on the deck I had Aaron in my arms and I got a hug and kiss from Eric and Aaron went straight for something not safe for toddlers on a ship deck.

I was taken aback that he didn't latch on to Eric and not let him go, but he's always been one for buttons and leavers. We really haven't been apart since Eric got home. Today Eric left for a short while to do some errands and Aaron was sad and was crying a little bit and said "Bye Daddy" as he watched him drive away out the window followed by "Bye Mommy." I explained to him that I wasn't leaving. It's hard to gage his level of comprehension, but Eric has noticed a big difference in his speech since he left. He is progressing daily. I am so happy that he calls us Mommy and Daddy now.

Just yesterday, he said "I do it." When he wanted to spear his on peach with a fork. I am so pleased that he's coming along.

On the donor front of things, Mike and Liz have decided to go for a consult with the clinic here. I am thrilled by this news because the bedside manner of the clinic here is wonderful. Even Liz said with all her dealings of 3 different clinics in Vancouver she gets the best feeling so far from the clinic here. And she is super impressed that the RE there actually emails patients himself. Obviously, this means our cycle will be pushed back, but everything happens for a reason as Liz says. I hope we can get in before Christmas.

We all seem to be a little bit under the weather around here so I am going to bed for a good nights sleep.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

On Counting & Donating

I wanted to touch my counting with Aaron. In no way do I expect it or push him. One day out of desperation I started counting to 10 on my fingers as I was changing his diaper as he fights me so much during diaper changes. When I got to 10 I'd tickle him and count back to one and tickle him again. It's all fun and games to him. Children learn through repetition and he is mimicking my words by saying "eight" and "ten." It also may be due to him having a friend named Aidan. "Eight" and "ten" sound like Aidan. I have no idea if he has the concept of counting, but it makes diaper changing all the more fun.

I went today to get my blood work for Fertility Clinic. Apparently I am to get over 10 viles. WTF? I thought I signed up to be an egg donor, not a blood donor. The girl told me to come back tomorrow as one needed to be done in the morning and their was no way in hell I was getting my blood drawn before dinner. I know how dizzy I'd feel after 10 viles, and their is no way in hell I'd want to deal with Aaron if it was anything like getting my nose pierced. I'll have a friend watch him so I can get my head about me before I get it done. I plan on having a big breakfast tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Update Time

I took a hiatus from blogging while I was over in Vancouver this past week and half. I didn't want to be online much and wanted to take the time to catch up with old friends and not be tied to a PC. I was busy to say the least. I got a lot of family and friend time in, me time and sight seeing.

I went to my high school reunion and it was not too bad. Considering 25 people showed up. Pathetic, I know. Nothing crazy happened, I didn't have one drink as the drinking and driving laws in BC are the harshest in the country and it's not worth it. I drove myself as to have a means to escape should I had wanted to make an immediate departure. After I left I immediately head downtown Vancouver with a friend as to not waste a good dress, smooth legs and fake eye lashes for 25 people.

I caught up with the old BFF, we were polite. A rekindling of our friendship will not be in the works. I ended up looking like this if you were wondering.

I got my dress in the States for $15 thank-you Ross! And I got near 5 inch heals by Steve Madden for $21.99 a la Ross again. A friend did my make-up and Victoria Secret gave me back my cleavage.

There hasn't been any updates on the Aaron and the A-word front. I really do not think he is Autistic. He has started calling me "Mommy" periodically. And has said "Bye-bye Mommy" as we were inside a structure at an indoor play place and he said "Night-night Grandpa" to my dad as we were being dropped off at the pool while he parked the car. He is gaining in his speech. I am taking him to more structured orientated play groups or Strong Start which we have here in BC as opposed to our regular playgroup as the facilitator is an ECE and it gives him that much more help. Hopefully, we get his referral and he is cleared of all things A-word related or he gets a diagnosis and we can get him the help he needs.

I've been counting to 10 with him and it's all fun and games. He says "Eight" and "Ten" all the time. I am not sure if he gets it but repetition is key.

I've been honest with this with Liz, my donor recipient. She believes me when I say I don't think anything is wrong with Aaron. Despite, this she wants to continue on with an IVF cycle so we have a date set with Fertiltiy Clinic in early November for a consult and psych eval. I might even be able to get into an injection class all in the same day. I don't want to proceed with a cycle until Aaron is assessed but if we don't sooner we won't get in before Christmas. It's her call, but I don't know if it's the right one. I know my son's speech is delayed. That I know. It really isn't a huge issue to me as all kids develop at different rates and I see progress almost every day. It's more at the urging of the speech therapist. And it can't hurt.

Eric is home in 4 days and I can't wait. It also means there is a butt load of cleaning to be done. So I may or may not be blogging this week.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A Letter to Donor Nurse

This an email I have written to Donor Nurse. I am not sure if it's appropriate that I send it. Thoughts?

Hello Donor Nurse:

I want to take a moment to write to you about the AFC test. To my understanding the reason why I went off the pill was to get an accurate AFC at mine and Liz's request. I did my research through your clinic and and another RE and the answer I came to the best time to get an accurate AFC was the beginning of my cycle after getting a period on my own sometime between days 2-4 to 3-8. When you and I had talked you had made an appointment to get an AFC done as I would happen to be in Vancouver. I told you at the time that I come over here often for personal reasons and could accommodate Fertility Centre on my cycle. You said on the phone that I could always get another one if happened to be in town and the timing was right. I am in Vancouver of my own accord and I have my period.

I feel let down and disappointed by Fertility Centre as I feel that I got false information. This would've suited me better to have an AFC now than then. Had I known I would've been denied an AFC when the proper time came around, I never would've gone off the pill until closer to our cycle. Liz and I have been honest and communicate things to yourself and Fertility Centre Had we not had to wait on my partners blood work, this cycle could've been done and we would've been on our way.

I feel Dr. RE deciding on my drug dosage based on an AFC done at a time when my body didn't have the time produce follicles on its own without being on the pill for a month is what is not in my best interest as a patient. For all we know I may need a lower dosage which is less stress on my body and a lower cost to Liz and Mike.


Thursday, October 7, 2010


I wanted to do a post on the lighter side of things today. To take a break from the A word. I really do not believe that Aaron is Autistic. I think I am letting health care professionals get the better of me. He had a doctor's appointment yesterday for an unrelated issue and even she was surprised. His speech is delayed, that I know for sure and I have to tools and means to work on that with him. Until he has an assessment I am not going to dwell on things.

Lately, I've been thinking about boobs. Not just any but mine. Specifically what they were before pregnancy and breast feeding. I miss them. I think this is a good example of not realizing what you've got till it's gone. I was going through a folder of pictures taken with Eric's cell phone (yes this is a testament to how she took this pic probably without my knowing it. But he's looking at mine and that's all that matters) and I came across this:

Yes, those were mine. That would be breastfeeding boobies. I can't believe those were mine. There and half months into it. I just can't get over it. 

This is a before pic.

And here is an after pic.

That's what 17 months of breast feeding will do to you. It's not a pretty picture. ( I wouldn't give up breastfeeding Aaron for the world. I just miss my before boobs.)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The A Word

I want to bang out a quick post before Aaron wakes up. It’s 8:10am and he’s still sleeping. I didn’t sleep well last night. I tossed and turned for many reason or a combo of reasons. Yesterday, Aaron had a follow up speech assessment. He’s been in speech therapy before. I honestly think he didn’t need it. Being enrolled at 21 months seems a bit extreme, but hell it never hurt anybody. All it was the ST teaching me ways to encourage his language development through play and every day things.

Yesterday, was a bit different. His ST said she wanted to send him for an autism referral. My jaw didn’t
drop. This had come up before and I dismissed as health care professionals overreacting. I’ve always dismissed he language delay to him being a boy and kids developing at their own pace. There are other things he does so well.

I can hear him waking so this can’t be long. As his mother, I am wondering if I have been in denial all along? He talks. He has words, he uses them in the right context. But there are little things that he doesn’t do.

When he is very engrossed in an activity, and we call his name, he will out right ignore us unless we shout is name. he also can’t answer yes or no to a question or shake his head yes or no. And he doesn’t always make eye contact when communicating with people. I wonder if this is something I’ve done by anticipating his needs? He also doesn’t call me “mommy” or “mama” or Eric “daddy” or “dada.”

It’s the little things. This will sound so clichĂ© and somehow I wonder if I’ve failed him as a mother. I know I haven’t but I can be doing more. Last night I stayed up reading a text book that I never returned from an Early Language stimulation course I took last year. I used to feel guilty about losing it and not returning it, buy hey everything happens for a reason right?

The kicker is Liz. After I emailed Eric to tell him. I had to email Liz. I feel so bad. She must feel like fate is playing a cruel joke on her. She’s so close to having an egg donor then fate drops this bomb on her. But I guess it’s better than us having already gone through a cycle then her being pregnant me dropping that bomb on her. This is what’s keeping me awake. If hope Aaron if cleared of this so we can proceed with a cycle.

I don’t think that Aaron is autistic, but there is so a broad range on the spectrum. God how I know hate that
word. Spectrum. Such an ugly word. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard this word in the last 24 hours.

I’ve refrained from googling “Autism.” So far I’ve been good. But it wouldn’t surprises me if he had some form of it due to fate playing a cruel joke on us. Days before I found out I was pregnant Eric and I were vacationing back east and were visiting his grand parents and we were watching an episode of Oprah dedicated to autism. Eric said something to the effect I hope our kid doesn’t have it.

I am going to love my little boy and do I everything I can do to get his speech up while we wait.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Oct 4, 2010

I saw a story on the news tonight that had me fuming. I actually cursed the news caster. It's not his fault; he just happens to be the bearer of bad news. The gist of it is that Canadian pediatricians are calling for a rotavirus vaccine for babies. 500-600 babies are hospitalized for rotavirus annually. Guess who was one of those babies in 2009? Mine. Aaron was hospitalized due to dehydration. I also didn't know that I could feed him Pedialite in a syringe because nobody told me!

Aaron at one day old. (I just found this in an old file)

This angers me so much because nobody ever told me what the hell it was or that there was vaccine for it. Had I known, I would've gotten it for him. Seeing my baby in the hospital like that was heart breaking as I didn't know what to do. But really whose responsibility is it to educate new parents? Our health system? The hospital? Ourselves? I thought I knew childhood illnesses pretty well. Ear infections, cold/flu, chicken pox, measles. I know I am missing a lot of common ones.

I wish I had had the foresight to read a book on childhood illnesses or vaccines. I took a prenatal class; I went to Baby Talk at my local health unit. It never came up. I didn't know until I had Aaron at the walk-in clinic.

If I ever have another baby, you bet s/he will be getting vaccinated for rotavirus.


Gah in one and a half weeks time I have my high school reunion. I wasn't popular in high school, but I wasn't bullied either. I had a few good friends which got me through. I didn't fair to well in elementary school or junior high. I was teased and bullied, which I believe was due to my not being socialized as a young child. I never learned basic social skills from a young age and for some reason I always craved the approval of others.

My going to my reunion is more about proving a point. Or settling a score if you will. My former BFF and I had a falling out shortly after I moved in with Eric the first time in 2003. It was silly really, but our friendship never recovered. I tried to make amends a year later but it was ignored. I am not sure what the score is, but I still have my youngish looks and a confidence I never possessed back then.

A lot people aren't going, but I will be out of curiosity more than anything. The 2 things that suck is that one I don’t' have a date as Eric is deployed and two I've no one to go with as my friend who said she would go is selling me out. So I am doing this solo. I am nuts.


Eric was in Ecuador recently. He has had some stories to tell me. Some I'd care not to know about. But he tells me none the less. I am not sure if your up on recent world events but this past week there was coup attempt in Ecuador.  A week before this happened, Eric was there. The city which they were visiting (which I can't remember the name for the life of me) is in complete chaos and in a state of looting and lawlessness. I can't believe he missed that by a week. Thank God. This was the first time a Canadian navel ship has had a port visit to Ecuador since 1989 because of it's political of unstableness.

Here is an excerpt from one of his emails:

Its not really a bus more than a 15 passenger van. I was up front next to the driver and there was no seat belt. Lets just say that this was the most scariest ride of my life. We are driving in mountains in Guatemala at night, when there are landslides that washed out sections of the road, we hit two dogs [Which were already dead] on the way home which was loud as fuck, and the rain was so bad that it washed out our side of the highway and twice our driver "Victor" switched to the opposite side of the highway driving into oncoming traffic at night in fog in the rain, because our side of the hwy was washed out. I was freaked out by that a bit, but he drove slowest. Like 60kmh instead of the 120kmh he was booking it normally. It was worse than any driving I've ever done over the coquhalla or the Rockies. But we got back to the boat fine and we had a fun time. We might go back to the cruise ship bar tonight for an hour or two. This email doesn't even begin to really describe my experiences. I didn't want to email you about them I wanted to call you tonight cause I thought I had new time, but I only had 90 seconds.

He will be home in 19 days.


Things are still moving forward on the egg donation front. I have some blood work to get done and the initial consult. Not much will be done until Eric is back.

Friday, October 1, 2010


I‘ve started my quest for that dress. The dress that I will face my fears and past in. In 2 weeks time I will be mingling at my high school reunion and I need to feel good in my own skin. A preliminary shopping trip turned up nada. Maybe I should’ve started the quest for the little black dress a little sooner. I do have one sexy little black number but it rides up too much to be considered appropriate for a reunion.

I’ve taken a bit of a back burner the last few days. I’ve had a friend staying with me and I got knocked out for a few days with a sinus/head cold and lack of sleep. Aaron’s damn molars are nearly through! Only 2 more left and teething is over.

To commemorate the first day of October we decided to go to the beach . We’ve had some very beautiful weather the last few days and today. We had a great time and Aaron went wading. It was great day.

I can’t believe how much he’s learned language wise. He’s developed a sense of empathy. He string 2 words together a lot. In the last week, he’s used “It’s okay” in the right context on two separate occasions. The first time we were picking the cat up from a friend’s who had been cat sitting for and she was crying in her carrier. He said “it’s okay” trying to soothe her. Another time we were somewhere with little babies around (playgroup perhaps?) and there was a baby crying in it’s car seat and he said “It’s okay” to the baby. It almost brings tears to my eyes how much my little man is growing. He is 2.5 years old today. I can’t believe where the time has gone!