Stuff

I have a lot of crap going thru my mind at the moment. I don't know where to begin or what to say. I feel like the world's biggest bitch for breaking up with Eric. Let's not forget I broke up with him while he was deployed in a war zone. Apparently, I was his rock keeping him sane with at sea. So yeah bitch right here.


I don't want to go off on a rant how he is an asshole or a dead beat. He isn't either. He has asshole tendencies as do most people just as I have bitch tendencies. When he came yesterday I literally recoiled from him and didn't want him near me. As mid email to him about how i felt suffocated by him from keeping up normal appearances on Facebook.

I have his family on my facebook and he hasn't told them yet. I've told my friends and he has told a few of his friends but so far mums the word to his family. I guess he needed me to say what I needed to say in person before he accepted it.

It's weird having him home. Living in the same place. We are sleeping in separate rooms. But I want to be staying in separate places. He's offered to stay in barracks, but I can't have him not in his own home for my breaking up with him. My 2 friends that I can stay with or either super sick or have just had their man come back from a deployment. I don't want to intrude.

So at the moment were still parenting and eating meals together. Which I wanted to avoid as it's a semblance or normalcy without physical contact.

I don't have a job at the moment. Woot. Woot. I am starting single momdom off on a good note. Eric has leave so the plan is to take whatever job I get and save some $. He wants me to start off right on my feet. So there is a non asshole trait.

I am on the ferry at the moment. I am going over to see my girls for the night to try to out some perspective and what to do. I hope chili and movies helps on this miserable night of wind and rain.

I'm The Douche That Left Without a Good Reason

That's how I am feeling right about now. On the surface I don't really have a good reason to justify leaving Eric do I? I don't love him. Is that enough of a reason?

The fact that we have Aaron together is that enough of a reason to stay? To some people it is. When you see old acquaintances and tell the you've ended things, I guess you need to have a reason to justify it. I get the "you chose to have a child, therefore you owe it to your child to stay."

It doesn't matter that I haven't been happy for some time. That we go about our day-to-day life in the same pattern. That I am unhappy. Have anger issues and am a little depressed?

I am just very unsure. I have been for sometime. If I loved him I'd know right? Sometimes I wonder if we got back together back in 2004 after our 6 month break due to the habit of each other. When we got back together, oddly enough I was the other girl. He was seeing someone and was happy then I came bouncing back. He said ultimately it wouldn't have lasted as she never wanted to have kids and that was a deal breaker for him.

Who knows. I have a lot anger and resentment in my life that I have to deal with. Some of it is directed at Eric some of it's not. But really what do I have to be angry about? He provides for me, I have financial stability and a common-law husband who loves his son. There is now abuse. Some women would kill for this. And call me nuts. I sometimes think I am.

I am choosing the path of single parent without a job. Good job S. (The job didn't last and it wasn't ideal only making $40/day after daycare was paid for. And that's what I have to pay my chiropractor per session to work on my back due to sitting in a bad position for 4 days)

I somehow have this need to live on my own, pay my own rent and bills while sharing custody with Eric. I've never lived on my own or provided her myself and have always felt like I should learn to be a grown up at some point.

This is a verbal diarrhea of a girl who ended a relationship while her man was deployed. Douche I am.