Friday, November 4, 2011

I'm The Douche That Left Without a Good Reason

That's how I am feeling right about now. On the surface I don't really have a good reason to justify leaving Eric do I? I don't love him. Is that enough of a reason?

The fact that we have Aaron together is that enough of a reason to stay? To some people it is. When you see old acquaintances and tell the you've ended things, I guess you need to have a reason to justify it. I get the "you chose to have a child, therefore you owe it to your child to stay."

It doesn't matter that I haven't been happy for some time. That we go about our day-to-day life in the same pattern. That I am unhappy. Have anger issues and am a little depressed?

I am just very unsure. I have been for sometime. If I loved him I'd know right? Sometimes I wonder if we got back together back in 2004 after our 6 month break due to the habit of each other. When we got back together, oddly enough I was the other girl. He was seeing someone and was happy then I came bouncing back. He said ultimately it wouldn't have lasted as she never wanted to have kids and that was a deal breaker for him.

Who knows. I have a lot anger and resentment in my life that I have to deal with. Some of it is directed at Eric some of it's not. But really what do I have to be angry about? He provides for me, I have financial stability and a common-law husband who loves his son. There is now abuse. Some women would kill for this. And call me nuts. I sometimes think I am.

I am choosing the path of single parent without a job. Good job S. (The job didn't last and it wasn't ideal only making $40/day after daycare was paid for. And that's what I have to pay my chiropractor per session to work on my back due to sitting in a bad position for 4 days)

I somehow have this need to live on my own, pay my own rent and bills while sharing custody with Eric. I've never lived on my own or provided her myself and have always felt like I should learn to be a grown up at some point.

This is a verbal diarrhea of a girl who ended a relationship while her man was deployed. Douche I am.

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