Thursday, January 20, 2011

How to Teach a Drunk Girl to Pee

It's not often that I am inspired by a post to post myself. But I was today thanks to Maundering Mutterer by this post.

Back in my drinking days when I was at the rip old age of 19 or 20. I can't remember I had a partner in crime, Jen. Jen and I were attached at the hip and did almost everything together. She even hung around my place sometimes when I went to work. A sleepover could easily turn into a weekover. She was my drinking buddy and I saved her butt many times when she was drunk. I love her. But one thing she isn't is a graceful drunk. She can't hold her liquor very well either.

Our usual routine for the better part of a year was to go to the same local watering hole time and again week after week. In retrospect I don't know what the appeal was. We drank with the same people, at the same place, danced to the same songs and woke up with the same hangovers.

Many a times in the nicer weather we'd walk a few km. (5.5 km to be exact) back to my place. One of the things that would happened on our drunken walks home was copious amounts of bladder relieving.

One time I remember Jen bellowing out to me as she was squatting behind a KFC. "I can't pee! I always pee on myself." Drunk as I was I remember thinking "How the hell does she manage to do that? "

Being the problem solver that I was I had to think of solution for Jen.

And it came to me!

Crab walking.

Having to pee myself, I mossied on up to her, yanked down my pants and squatted. I took it one step further and placed my hands next to me on the ground and crabbed walked forward my legs forward so my butt was behind my feet and showed her how it was done. Don't worry about peeing on your hands as your butt should be far enough away from your hands to be in the clear.

This is how I taught a drunk girl to pee.


GreenGirl said...

I remember back in 2004 at this St. Patty's Day bar crawl my friend Meredith and I were there with 6 of our girlfriends (and thousands of other people!). The line was out of control so we ended up in an alley...with a slight hill. She was at the top; I was at the bottom. I can still hear her say, "Look out Blaster (my nickname)my pee is heading your way!!" I just widened my stance and continued to pee.
Stood up, put jeans back on and continued my day/night.
That is friendship.
My best friend and I came up with something called "Skip the Line" where it's like a hip version of Depends. We even put togther a commercial (back when we were 22).

SciFi Dad said...

Wow... the only thing that would make this more awkward is if it involved tampons.

Jay said...

I think maybe we need a video demonstration of how this is done. hehe ;-)

S.I.F. said...

Oh that is hysterical lady!! I am cracking up!

Siera said...

@GreenGirl I actually have another drunken pee story for another day.

@SciFi I have a story drunken story that does involve tampons that was told me first hand so I can't take the credit.