Update Time

I took a hiatus from blogging while I was over in Vancouver this past week and half. I didn't want to be online much and wanted to take the time to catch up with old friends and not be tied to a PC. I was busy to say the least. I got a lot of family and friend time in, me time and sight seeing.

I went to my high school reunion and it was not too bad. Considering 25 people showed up. Pathetic, I know. Nothing crazy happened, I didn't have one drink as the drinking and driving laws in BC are the harshest in the country and it's not worth it. I drove myself as to have a means to escape should I had wanted to make an immediate departure. After I left I immediately head downtown Vancouver with a friend as to not waste a good dress, smooth legs and fake eye lashes for 25 people.

I caught up with the old BFF, we were polite. A rekindling of our friendship will not be in the works. I ended up looking like this if you were wondering.

I got my dress in the States for $15 thank-you Ross! And I got near 5 inch heals by Steve Madden for $21.99 a la Ross again. A friend did my make-up and Victoria Secret gave me back my cleavage.

There hasn't been any updates on the Aaron and the A-word front. I really do not think he is Autistic. He has started calling me "Mommy" periodically. And has said "Bye-bye Mommy" as we were inside a structure at an indoor play place and he said "Night-night Grandpa" to my dad as we were being dropped off at the pool while he parked the car. He is gaining in his speech. I am taking him to more structured orientated play groups or Strong Start which we have here in BC as opposed to our regular playgroup as the facilitator is an ECE and it gives him that much more help. Hopefully, we get his referral and he is cleared of all things A-word related or he gets a diagnosis and we can get him the help he needs.

I've been counting to 10 with him and it's all fun and games. He says "Eight" and "Ten" all the time. I am not sure if he gets it but repetition is key.

I've been honest with this with Liz, my donor recipient. She believes me when I say I don't think anything is wrong with Aaron. Despite, this she wants to continue on with an IVF cycle so we have a date set with Fertiltiy Clinic in early November for a consult and psych eval. I might even be able to get into an injection class all in the same day. I don't want to proceed with a cycle until Aaron is assessed but if we don't sooner we won't get in before Christmas. It's her call, but I don't know if it's the right one. I know my son's speech is delayed. That I know. It really isn't a huge issue to me as all kids develop at different rates and I see progress almost every day. It's more at the urging of the speech therapist. And it can't hurt.

Eric is home in 4 days and I can't wait. It also means there is a butt load of cleaning to be done. So I may or may not be blogging this week.

A Letter to Donor Nurse

This an email I have written to Donor Nurse. I am not sure if it's appropriate that I send it. Thoughts?

Hello Donor Nurse:


I want to take a moment to write to you about the AFC test. To my understanding the reason why I went off the pill was to get an accurate AFC at mine and Liz's request. I did my research through your clinic and and another RE and the answer I came to the best time to get an accurate AFC was the beginning of my cycle after getting a period on my own sometime between days 2-4 to 3-8. When you and I had talked you had made an appointment to get an AFC done as I would happen to be in Vancouver. I told you at the time that I come over here often for personal reasons and could accommodate Fertility Centre on my cycle. You said on the phone that I could always get another one if happened to be in town and the timing was right. I am in Vancouver of my own accord and I have my period.


I feel let down and disappointed by Fertility Centre as I feel that I got false information. This would've suited me better to have an AFC now than then. Had I known I would've been denied an AFC when the proper time came around, I never would've gone off the pill until closer to our cycle. Liz and I have been honest and communicate things to yourself and Fertility Centre Had we not had to wait on my partners blood work, this cycle could've been done and we would've been on our way.

I feel Dr. RE deciding on my drug dosage based on an AFC done at a time when my body didn't have the time produce follicles on its own without being on the pill for a month is what is not in my best interest as a patient. For all we know I may need a lower dosage which is less stress on my body and a lower cost to Liz and Mike.

-S. 

Boobies

I wanted to do a post on the lighter side of things today. To take a break from the A word. I really do not believe that Aaron is Autistic. I think I am letting health care professionals get the better of me. He had a doctor's appointment yesterday for an unrelated issue and even she was surprised. His speech is delayed, that I know for sure and I have to tools and means to work on that with him. Until he has an assessment I am not going to dwell on things.

Lately, I've been thinking about boobs. Not just any but mine. Specifically what they were before pregnancy and breast feeding. I miss them. I think this is a good example of not realizing what you've got till it's gone. I was going through a folder of pictures taken with Eric's cell phone (yes this is a testament to how she took this pic probably without my knowing it. But he's looking at mine and that's all that matters) and I came across this:

Yes, those were mine. That would be breastfeeding boobies. I can't believe those were mine. There and half months into it. I just can't get over it. 

This is a before pic.

And here is an after pic.

That's what 17 months of breast feeding will do to you. It's not a pretty picture. ( I wouldn't give up breastfeeding Aaron for the world. I just miss my before boobs.)

The A Word

I want to bang out a quick post before Aaron wakes up. It’s 8:10am and he’s still sleeping. I didn’t sleep well last night. I tossed and turned for many reason or a combo of reasons. Yesterday, Aaron had a follow up speech assessment. He’s been in speech therapy before. I honestly think he didn’t need it. Being enrolled at 21 months seems a bit extreme, but hell it never hurt anybody. All it was the ST teaching me ways to encourage his language development through play and every day things.


Yesterday, was a bit different. His ST said she wanted to send him for an autism referral. My jaw didn’t
drop. This had come up before and I dismissed as health care professionals overreacting. I’ve always dismissed he language delay to him being a boy and kids developing at their own pace. There are other things he does so well.


I can hear him waking so this can’t be long. As his mother, I am wondering if I have been in denial all along? He talks. He has words, he uses them in the right context. But there are little things that he doesn’t do.



When he is very engrossed in an activity, and we call his name, he will out right ignore us unless we shout is name. he also can’t answer yes or no to a question or shake his head yes or no. And he doesn’t always make eye contact when communicating with people. I wonder if this is something I’ve done by anticipating his needs? He also doesn’t call me “mommy” or “mama” or Eric “daddy” or “dada.”


It’s the little things. This will sound so cliché and somehow I wonder if I’ve failed him as a mother. I know I haven’t but I can be doing more. Last night I stayed up reading a text book that I never returned from an Early Language stimulation course I took last year. I used to feel guilty about losing it and not returning it, buy hey everything happens for a reason right?


The kicker is Liz. After I emailed Eric to tell him. I had to email Liz. I feel so bad. She must feel like fate is playing a cruel joke on her. She’s so close to having an egg donor then fate drops this bomb on her. But I guess it’s better than us having already gone through a cycle then her being pregnant me dropping that bomb on her. This is what’s keeping me awake. If hope Aaron if cleared of this so we can proceed with a cycle.


I don’t think that Aaron is autistic, but there is so a broad range on the spectrum. God how I know hate that
word. Spectrum. Such an ugly word. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard this word in the last 24 hours.


I’ve refrained from googling “Autism.” So far I’ve been good. But it wouldn’t surprises me if he had some form of it due to fate playing a cruel joke on us. Days before I found out I was pregnant Eric and I were vacationing back east and were visiting his grand parents and we were watching an episode of Oprah dedicated to autism. Eric said something to the effect I hope our kid doesn’t have it.


I am going to love my little boy and do I everything I can do to get his speech up while we wait.

Oct 4, 2010

I saw a story on the news tonight that had me fuming. I actually cursed the news caster. It's not his fault; he just happens to be the bearer of bad news. The gist of it is that Canadian pediatricians are calling for a rotavirus vaccine for babies. 500-600 babies are hospitalized for rotavirus annually. Guess who was one of those babies in 2009? Mine. Aaron was hospitalized due to dehydration. I also didn't know that I could feed him Pedialite in a syringe because nobody told me!

Aaron at one day old. (I just found this in an old file)

This angers me so much because nobody ever told me what the hell it was or that there was vaccine for it. Had I known, I would've gotten it for him. Seeing my baby in the hospital like that was heart breaking as I didn't know what to do. But really whose responsibility is it to educate new parents? Our health system? The hospital? Ourselves? I thought I knew childhood illnesses pretty well. Ear infections, cold/flu, chicken pox, measles. I know I am missing a lot of common ones.

I wish I had had the foresight to read a book on childhood illnesses or vaccines. I took a prenatal class; I went to Baby Talk at my local health unit. It never came up. I didn't know until I had Aaron at the walk-in clinic.

If I ever have another baby, you bet s/he will be getting vaccinated for rotavirus.

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Gah in one and a half weeks time I have my high school reunion. I wasn't popular in high school, but I wasn't bullied either. I had a few good friends which got me through. I didn't fair to well in elementary school or junior high. I was teased and bullied, which I believe was due to my not being socialized as a young child. I never learned basic social skills from a young age and for some reason I always craved the approval of others.

My going to my reunion is more about proving a point. Or settling a score if you will. My former BFF and I had a falling out shortly after I moved in with Eric the first time in 2003. It was silly really, but our friendship never recovered. I tried to make amends a year later but it was ignored. I am not sure what the score is, but I still have my youngish looks and a confidence I never possessed back then.

A lot people aren't going, but I will be out of curiosity more than anything. The 2 things that suck is that one I don’t' have a date as Eric is deployed and two I've no one to go with as my friend who said she would go is selling me out. So I am doing this solo. I am nuts.

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Eric was in Ecuador recently. He has had some stories to tell me. Some I'd care not to know about. But he tells me none the less. I am not sure if your up on recent world events but this past week there was coup attempt in Ecuador.  A week before this happened, Eric was there. The city which they were visiting (which I can't remember the name for the life of me) is in complete chaos and in a state of looting and lawlessness. I can't believe he missed that by a week. Thank God. This was the first time a Canadian navel ship has had a port visit to Ecuador since 1989 because of it's political of unstableness.

Here is an excerpt from one of his emails:

Its not really a bus more than a 15 passenger van. I was up front next to the driver and there was no seat belt. Lets just say that this was the most scariest ride of my life. We are driving in mountains in Guatemala at night, when there are landslides that washed out sections of the road, we hit two dogs [Which were already dead] on the way home which was loud as fuck, and the rain was so bad that it washed out our side of the highway and twice our driver "Victor" switched to the opposite side of the highway driving into oncoming traffic at night in fog in the rain, because our side of the hwy was washed out. I was freaked out by that a bit, but he drove slowest. Like 60kmh instead of the 120kmh he was booking it normally. It was worse than any driving I've ever done over the coquhalla or the Rockies. But we got back to the boat fine and we had a fun time. We might go back to the cruise ship bar tonight for an hour or two. This email doesn't even begin to really describe my experiences. I didn't want to email you about them I wanted to call you tonight cause I thought I had new time, but I only had 90 seconds.

He will be home in 19 days.

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Things are still moving forward on the egg donation front. I have some blood work to get done and the initial consult. Not much will be done until Eric is back.

Random

I‘ve started my quest for that dress. The dress that I will face my fears and past in. In 2 weeks time I will be mingling at my high school reunion and I need to feel good in my own skin. A preliminary shopping trip turned up nada. Maybe I should’ve started the quest for the little black dress a little sooner. I do have one sexy little black number but it rides up too much to be considered appropriate for a reunion.

I’ve taken a bit of a back burner the last few days. I’ve had a friend staying with me and I got knocked out for a few days with a sinus/head cold and lack of sleep. Aaron’s damn molars are nearly through! Only 2 more left and teething is over.

To commemorate the first day of October we decided to go to the beach . We’ve had some very beautiful weather the last few days and today. We had a great time and Aaron went wading. It was great day.

I can’t believe how much he’s learned language wise. He’s developed a sense of empathy. He string 2 words together a lot. In the last week, he’s used “It’s okay” in the right context on two separate occasions. The first time we were picking the cat up from a friend’s who had been cat sitting for and she was crying in her carrier. He said “it’s okay” trying to soothe her. Another time we were somewhere with little babies around (playgroup perhaps?) and there was a baby crying in it’s car seat and he said “It’s okay” to the baby. It almost brings tears to my eyes how much my little man is growing. He is 2.5 years old today. I can’t believe where the time has gone!

Tired

I am tired... I am not sleeping good. After Aarom goes to bed, I stay up and dick around online for a few hours and next thing I know it's late and I can't fall asleep. I am also fighting a bit of a cold. So I haven't been around much. I'll write something of substance soon. I hope.