Monday, January 26, 2009

On my mind

I feel guilty. I'm feeling this way for many reasons today. The main reason is that I yelled at my son. I was trying to give him medicine in a syringe and he was fighting it and fussing. I yelled at him to take his medicine and he proceeded to cry harder. I'm was frustrated with him. I have been very irritable lately. There are only 2 situations that make me feel like this. PMS and pregnancy. I haven't gotten my period back yet as I'm still breastfeeding and on a progesterone only birth control pill Micronor and from what I know progesterone can stop your periods or lighten them up a lot. I'm just waiting to get my period back. I have no way to measure if I 'm pregnant from missed period. I took a pregnancy test a few weeks back and it was negative. I have been feel like this for 2-3 weeks. I don't think that I am pregnant as I haven't missed nay pills near the time of relations and I'm not insanely tired as I was when I was first pregnant with Aaron. So I don't know why the feeling like this.

After Aaron started to cry I placed him in his crib and got a cloth to wipe his face as it was all sticky. The poor little guy was crying so hard. I feel guilty as I write this. I feel like a horrible mother. I was trying to get us out the door to catch the bus to get to a baby talk group. And I just realized that today that wasn't important and we could catch the next bus and I just rocked him nd cuddled him until he calmed down. As we were walking to the bus it drove by as it was early and I decided to not go to the group and to just get a coffee at the plaza. By now Aaron had fallen asleep and I decided to read my book for a bit. (I'm reading Twilight) after this I just decided to go for a walk around my neighbourhood and relax. I'm trying to work out by running/walking/going to the gym when I can. I think running is better. I live minutes away from the ocean which is a perfect for running, walking, biking and roller blading. I have a BOB stroller and it's time to use it. I am calmer now. Aaron is still sleeping. He's been sleeping in his stroller for the last hour and a half. My baby is sick. He is teething and he has a cold. He slept for 7 hours and 15 minutes last night. He hasn't never slept that long EVER! The most he has done was 7 hours when he was int he 2-4 motn range. I don't know if it was because he was sick or because I got 4 oz of formula in him before he went to bed last night. I'm trying to wean him a bit. I just almost want to cry and tell him I'm sorry over and over again. And rock him and never let him go. My baby needs me. I'm a SAHM and I think that is best for him. I am intending to go back to work part-time in the beginning of March. Ideally I would like to get a job waitress at the local pub a few nights a week so I can be with him as much as possible. I don't want him to go to day car 8-10 hours a day while he is this young. I could be back to work an do the 9-5 thing. But I want to bewith my boy. Part of me thinks that maybe I do need to go back to work so I have time to myself to do my thing. I suck at the housewife thing. I am not organized and I hate to clean. Well I should take this opportunity to study while Aaron sleeps. I have a midterm on Saturday and i will only get out of it what I put in.

4 comments:

Steph the WonderWorrier said...

I don't think you're a bad parent! I've heard from lots of mothers that they've experienced those "guilty feeling" days for the way they reacted to a sick/crying baby. It's HARD, and you CANNOT be perfect. But you shower him with love, provide him with food, shelter and a good home. You're a GREAT mother, doing the very best for your baby, even if there's a day when you just don't think you handled things "perfectly". Don't worry, m'dear!!!

Good luck on this upcoming Midterm, yipes! What program are you in?

pregnancynews89 said...

congrats for being pregnant.wishing good luck to you and your baby

Siera said...

I'm not in a program yet. I am taking a Medical Terminolgy Course online. (So not the way to go!)It's a prerequisite to the Hospital Unit Clerk program that I am hoping to take in the fall. I think the health care field is the way to go due to the economy and aging population there will always be work!

Siera said...

I'm not in a program yet. I am taking a Medical Terminolgy Course online. (So not the way to go!)It's a prerequisite to the Hospital Unit Clerk program that I am hoping to take in the fall. I think the health care field is the way to go due to the economy and aging population there will always be work!