Wednesday, June 2, 2010

It's Complicated

My life isn’t a country song. Or that’s what I keep telling myself.

Up, down. Up, down. Up, down.

This is what my life has been like the past few weeks. My emotions are constantly in motion and it’s making me sick. I have emotional motion sickness if that is even possible. I want the constant motion to stop. I am scared if I do, it will feel better but hurt Aaron in the long run.

My relationship with Eric has gone awry and I’m not sure if there is a way to fix it. I’m not sure if it’s salvageable or if I even want to. We keep doing the same song and dance and if we don’t get out soon were going to become bitter and resentful towards each other and end up hating each other and not knowing why.

If I were to update my Facebook relationship status it would read “It’s complicated.” But my Facebook status will not read that as I am not one to air my dirty laundry on Facebook. If my relationship status does change, I’ll simply remove my relationship status from my info page.

I am not sure where we go from here. If I stay in Victoria or move back to Vancouver so I have the support of my family with Aaron. My dilemma is that I’d like to stay in Victoria so that Eric my see Aaron whenever he wants to. (I’d never deny him access to his son or make it difficult for him to see Aaron.) But I lack family here, which doesn’t help me when I need a break or need last minute baby sitting for a job interview or an appointment. Eric sails, so he isn’t here all the time either. So it’s not as though he can spell me out when needed. That is my dilemma. I don’t want Eric and Aaron’s relationship to be dictated by BC Ferries but so may be the case.

I am not sure what is what. But I’m tired of crying all the time.


SciFi Dad said...

I'm sorry things are complicated.

I really don't want to offer advice because a) you didn't ask for any and b) I know so little about the situation that it would probably be useless.

I will say, however, that I think it's admirable that you want Aaron and Eric to have a relationship, even if you and Eric will not. That is very big of you.

Siera said...

Thanks. Growing up with divorced parents I have played the piggy in the middle game. I've also seen friends of ours go through horrible break-ups and use the child(ren) to make the ex's life a living hell. Its disgusting behavior and it infuriates me when parents act this way. A parent shouldn't be denied access to their child(ren) unless a reason is warranted.