Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I Don’t Recognize Myself

Something in me has changed over the last day or so and I don’t know what to account for that change. Eric is away right for the next 2 weeks so it is just Aaron and I. Something is different about me.

I am calmer with Aaron and OMG I actually WANT to clean. If you know me, I lack a lot of patience when it comes to parenting. I also loathe cleaning with a passion! And if the task can be put off, then by God it will be put off!

I have had a very busy 24 hours as outlined in my two brief posts I wrote yesterday. I was able t among all the stuff I had to do, I actually parented Aaron the way I would want to be parented.

There were a few moments when he was going into full blown toddler meltdown mode and my reaction to the situation would either add fuel to the fire or diffuse it.

I don’t remember exactly what the situation was as we have many situations like these through out our days and I am just too tired to remember.

There was one moment yesterday where I just wanted to nap. I knew he needed one, I needed one and I nap best when it is just Aaron and I. I don’t know why. Maybe it goes back to our baby days when we would co-sleep for our naps but I usually nap best if he is home with me.

I do miss those days and I miss him being at home with me. I am pretty sure that a job is in the near future for me. I am optimistic but don’t want put the cart too far in front of the horse. I have to submit a security clearance and pending that, I am hopeful that an offer will be made.

Which makes me wonder if I have missed out these last 5 months of Aaron being in daycare instead of him being at home, with me. I tear up thinking about it. Developmentally, we felt it was the best thing for him. And his speech progress is making leaps and bounds. Some of the things that come out of his mouth surprise me and I marvel at him.

I am so thankful that his speech his coming. I really don’t know what to attribute my calm demeanor to, but whoever or whatever I am thankful to.

And I actually cleaned, without being told to. I don’t know what it is but my house’s lack of organization and clutter is eating away at me. I may be this subconscious nesting I feel to do in preparation for going back to work. Because I can see how being organized will make life so much easier especially when everything will fall on me. This includes but is not limited too parenting, cleaning, and getting crap down around the house.

Eric had a big deployment coming up but we don’t know the details or dates which is maddening. But thankfully now that the damn election was over with, the government can make some decisions for our Canadian Forces. (In case you didn’t know, Canada had a federal election yesterday. We have a Conservative majority and the NDP as the official opposition. [That is history in itself])

And yes, I voted.

Even more historic, is the fact that I cleaned out my freezer tonight without a fuss or procrastinating.

Yes, you read right. I Siera, cleaned out my freezer tonight.

Actually, it started as me saying to myself that I would organize it, but in while in the middle of the deed, it was apparent that a wipe down was needed. Thankfully, it was just some debris and spilled vegetables and not raw meat juice.

Sometimes I think that the clean fairies are going to come and rescue me, but in reality only I will rescue me.

Well until Eric gets home or my dad comes for a visit.


S.I.F. said...

Sounds like you're on a roll right now lady! Want to come on over to my house?!? ;)

LKP said...

i understand this post so much! whenever my husband would be gone for his military training, i would experience similar "i'm going to conquer this mountain" phases, lol. i'm SUPER proud of you for mucking out your freezer. i dread mine. both of them, taunting me with their ice crystals growing. bleck!

anyhow, thank you for thinking of me, siera. :) i know God has a reason for everything, and the same goes for you & this woman crossing paths. even if its merely for greater empathy towards others, having witnessed some of what goes on with secondary infertility. you're a great woman. truly. my mind's on john 15:13 "great love hath no man..." in this case, perhaps being her donor didn't work out, but you were WILLING to give this person a life. that is huge. and rare. thank you for being my friend. :)