One year Ago Today...

I was hooked up to pitocin to induce labour. I hadn't asked for the drugs yet and was dealing with the contractions with a TENS machine. They weren't too bad yet.

The Boy

At this very moment I should be on plane to Vegas. Instead I am siting at home with a kitchen and bathroom waiting to be cleaned. I made the decision to not go to Vegas 6 weeks ago based on a rough night my dad had with The Boy. I felt that he wasn't quite ready for me to eave him for 4 nights. I went back and forth over my decision and in the end I know I made the right one. My baby has been sick this week. He had a fever 39.5 C the other night and I still don't know why. Had I booked my ticket I wouldn't have been going. I wouldn't have felt right leaving him.

I still do not know why he he had such a high fever. I took him to the walk-in cinic last night and the doctor said that fevers that high generally are not from teething but usually an ear infection, which Aaron doesn't have. He though that maybe Aaron may have Baby Measles and if he does he should be getting a rash today which so far he hasn't. I am really curious as to what caused his fever. His immunizations are up to date. Maybe it will remain a mystery. He hardly ate or drank anything at all yesterday. He only nursed. He did have some toast and a bottle before bed which means he is back on track. He was up 2 times to feed last night. Which is good he went ot bed at 830pm and got up at 830am.

Eric and I are leaving him for a night with my dad but we will be in the city within 20 minutes of home if Aaron needs me.

In other Aaron news, the public health nurse stopped by yesterday and dropped off a questionnaire for us to fill out. Some of the stuff we need to try with him. Some of the stuff he does. Some he doesn't I think I was right to be a little concerned. In the communication section out of the 6 questions he only does one. There are three possible answers; yes, sometimes and not yet. He scored yes to one and not yet to 5. He does almost everything in the fine motor skills and problem solving sections. He will find something if you hide it under a blanket, and will drop toys into a box. He doesn't point at things, he doesn't have any other words for objects like "baba" for bottle or something for the cat. I am concerned about this. I have been trying to tech him "kitty" or some form of it for months. He also won't let us hold his hands and walk he buckles his legs yet he walks along furniture fine. I am going to try some of this stuff with him over the next few days as he gets better. He seems interested in trying to scribble on a piece of paper when I do it. But he can get distracted so easily.

He doesn't watch a lot of TV. I don't have it on often during the day and if I do its more background noise. I did throw it on Treehouse the other day and I think Sesame Street or something like that was on it had Elmo something or another and did that ever have his attention. Elmo was talking all about bananas and he liked that. Maybe I should let him watch that 10-15 min segment every few days. He also seems to like to TV listings channel. As it will often get put on and we end up leaving it on. I think for the time being, I am going to work on "na na" for banana as he eats them almost daily.

Well I must be off. I have cleaning that must be done.

Wordy Wednesday

I am beyond pissed. If you’re looking for light and fluffy today I am sorry to disappoint you. This is a vent session so hold on to your pants.

I am pissed off at my dear fiancé Eric. I have had 2 consecutive nights of little or no sleep/ Last night I only got on consecutive hour of sleep from 11:00 - 12:22am. I had a baby who is teething; which is a recipe for no sleep. His highest temp last night was 39.4 or 39.5 degrees Celsius which converts to 102.9 or 103.1 degrees Fahrenheit. When I called the nurses line they recommend that I take Aaron to emergency but I decided not to as he wasn't having seizures or having any difficulty breathing. He was hydrated and nursing and having regular wet diapers. We have a doctors appointment today so I didn't see the point and I did get is fever down.

I get that having a child is going to make for many sleepless nights. I know this. But what I didn't know is that when shit hits the fan I'd be dealing with it by myself pretty much. I didn't sign up to be a single parent when Eric and I decided to breed. Sometimes I figure I might as well have. Eric is in the military. When he deploys, I will be a single parent. I am prepared for this. I don't have a single family member on this Island that I can ask get help from at 12:30am. We have no one but each other; which is part of military life.

When we lived in military housing for the most part you make friends and help each other out. The people living around us were idiots who didn't know the meaning of the word supervise. I have a friend who lived down the street from me at our old place. The only problem was that we became friends right as I was moving and I now live half an hour away. No problem if you have a car but I took mine off the road. Being that we essentially have no one to help us out I expect Eric to step it up a notch now and then. He is ashore for the time being. He gets to sit in an office all day. He does the 9-5 Monday to Friday thing. Part of his workload is PT (physical training) 3X per week. He doesn't like this. He is tall and skinny and doesn't have an ounce of body fat. This doesn't mean that he is fit. Or just because he can pound back the McDonald's doesn't mean he can't have a heart attack before he is 30.

Back to the PT. Lately he has been ducking out early from PT and it hasn't gone unnoticed. His bosses are decent beings if there is a family issue he can take a day off. But he doesn't want to today because last week his boss noticed how many "appointments" he has had on PT days. I had a rough night last night, we all did. I didn't get more than 40 minutes of sleep at once after mid night. I had a baby to calm, nurse, cuddle, rock etc. Aaron wouldn't let Eric help him he only wanted me. He literally will push himself out of Eric's arms to get away from him if he doesn't want to be held. Eric is a good dad. He is attentive and plays well with Aaron. But he isn't me. If he hadn't been so freaking lazy with the PT, he could be home now playing with his son while I got a couple hours of sleep. If I lived in Vancouver I have my dad and my aunt who can't get enough of Aaron. They'd be over in a heartbeat if work didn't interfere. I don't have that here. And I need this. Eric isn't cutting it. This isn't the 1st time he has been an ass with regards to Aaron's care.

When I had my midterm and was studying my ass off at the library the morning of my midterm he bitched about getting up with the baby when all I wanted was to sleep in until 7am! He said I took my course to get out of the house. It's ONLINE! I leave the house so I can concentrate! A few weeks ago I got really excited and thought about taking an LPN course and then upgrading to my RN a few years down the road. The first thing he did was shoot my idea down and told me I had 7 years to go to school when I lived at home. This wasn't what I had expected. Maybe my idea was rash but it was an idea, I wasn't about to register. He could've said to me "Siera you have a great idea but the timing isn't right." This put a damper on us for a few days. I told him I have thought of leaving him because he can be so emotionally unsupportive. This didn't faze him. Or gave the impression it didn’t I know him well. He can be a robot at times, projecting to he emotionless which I can see past.

I need to get some sort of education for Aaron's sake. I don't want to work in an office any more. I want a job in health care which means stability in this economy. I am going to take a unit clerk course and maybe go back and get my RN when Aaron is school aged; With or without Eric. I love him and he is a good man. He is good to me, he treats me well, and he supports me. But he can be a very selfish at obtuse at times.

Take yesterday for example. It was my birthday. He got off early. Not because it was my birthday but because he has to do an extra shift in a few weeks. Did he even think that I might like to go out to lunch? No. Did I get a card? No. Flowers? Yes; but AFTER I hinted about a corner store that sells flowers at a decent priced and not an overpriced flower shop down the street.

Were suppose to get a hotel for the night Friday and my dad is going to look after Aaron. I haven’t booked it. I shouldn’t have to! He should. I don’t know how he can go from being attentive loving boyfriend to a senseless fiancé. I can’t wait to see what marriage has in store for us; if it ever happens.

I really don't know what the hell has happened to him. Two years ago for Valentines Day he sent me flowers when he was out at sea. A dozen red roses! They weren't cheap. Two years ago for my birthday he took me to Seattle shopping for a weekend. Which you can read about here That wasn't cheap. Just because I am a mom doesn't mean that my birthday shouldn't become just another day. A card, cheap flowers sure. I am easy please. Lunch at an inexpensive restaurant; even better. I don't feel valued. This PT bullshit is just the icing on the cake. If he did his job as is it required of he could take time off when I need him. Aaron is fine, happy and playing. I don't see how as he didn't sleep much last night but he is. Eric couldn't even be bothered to take him for a car ride in the middle of the night for me. I did. I drove around for 40 minutes trying to get my son to sleep while DF got to sleep. And he never fell asleep! Aaron that is. I tried co-sleeping, nursing, singing rubbing head and back. I finally rocked him to sleep in my arms and we slept in the guest bed together when he woke up 40 minutes later.

I think I have vented enough for the moment. I have coffee to make and a baby to play with.

*Update* After going to the doctor today there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with Aaron in addition to the teething except his right ear in concentrated. What the hell does that mean? According my doctor Aaron doesn't have an ear infection and doesn't need antibiotics. I know my Dr. doesn't like to prescribed antibiotics for ear infections but another dr. at the walk-in clinic said you shoud treat any child under 24 months that has one. If we have another night like last night I am getting another opinion. I've had 2 people tell me that a baby doesn't get a fever of 39.5 C (103 F) from teething. One was the nurse on the phone... Aaron hasn't spiked a fever today but he hasn't been eating or drinking much anf is miserble most of the time. My poor baby.

Happy Birthday To Me

It has been an eventful day, birthday or not! Aaron woke up at 5:45am and was up again at 6:15am. This wasn't too bad as we needed to get up early to drive Eric to work BUT Eric doesn't get up until 7am! Thankfully he fell asleep in the car on the way home and stayed sleeping in his car seat until 9:15am (He is still in his Graco Infant Safe Seat which is good up to 30 lbs) which means I got to sleep in! I didn't sleep very well last night. But we got through the day is was busy complete with a play group and trip to the mall.

All hell broke lose when Eric left for school tonight. Aaron is cutting a tooth and had a tiny fever of 37.5 C during the day and it went up to 38.5 Celsius after Eric left for school. Needless to say he wasn't too happy when I decided to give him a luke warm bath. After some crying and some Infants Motrin and a breast feed he napped for an hour and half. After his nap he seemed in better spirits. He still had a fever but was playing and eating a bit.

It has just been a busy day. I have had constant phone calls, and Facebook messages which sends a text message to my cell so I've go go go all day.

I do have a post to do on the Yummie Tummie as promised. I gave it a test run when I was in Vancouver. A post and pictures to follow.

All in all it seemed like a regular day. Now that I am a mommy, my birthday doesn't hold that much importance to me. It's all about Aaron. His birthday is next Wednesday my little April Fools Day baby will 1!

A Letter to my Body

Dear Body:

I have a bone to pick with you. You’re not holding up on your end of the bargain. Remember the discussion we had? I was going to exercise and make healthy choices with regards to food and you were going to stop getting sick and weak on me. Now what’s with the latest ailment you trouble me with? A clogged milk duct, are you serious? Now I know when we’ve had clogged ducts before that was of my doing. I constricted the girls in too many sports bras when exercising or wore too tight a top when going out and dancing for hours on end. But this clogged milk duct isn’t justified. I didn’t over do it, when I went to the gym I only wore one sports bar and frankly the girls moved a little too much for my liking, I felt that I stretched them to my knees while I was on the treadmill. So what gives? What are you trying to tell me? You don’t like being worked out having your muscles contracted and stretched repeatedly? I only go to the gym about three times per week sometimes four. I’ve cut out trans fat, extra fat, soda pop, and a lot of other foods that I like. Like cheese, I hardly EVER eat cheese so what do I need to do to appease you? Do I need to cut out the red meats, raw fruits and veggies, dairy and caffeine? I know all of these things aren’t good for the IBS but come on I’ve been good to you. Can you please cooperate so I can go the gym and have energy to get through the day without a nap?

Now you and I were headed off to Vancouver to go to a Canucks game tomorrow night and out for my birthday Friday night with Eric and some friends. I’ve been good to you. Can you please be good to me for the next 3 days? I know that’s a lot to ask when allergy season is underway but I will medicate you when necessary. (Even though the allergist says we don’t have allergies, you and I both know that absolute crap! Because every year come March they start and go until mid summer. No matter how many different nasal sprays I cram in you it’s not enough.) I don’t have a lot of friends in Victoria and my going to Vancouver is my time to get my fill in of a social life. Be easy on me, and I’ll be easy on you. Though I can’t make any promises for Friday night, and I expect you to not take it easy on me Saturday morning. I understand the tit for tat business. But you don’t seem to. So I beg you please get your shit together for the next few days.

Sincerely,
Siera

Regression

I am a tad concerned about Aaron's development. He babbles all the time, he says mama and Dada. He has since he was about 8.5 months old. I don't know if he has any association yet. He knows his name, he has since he was 4 or 5 months old. If you said his name while he was playing on the floor he would turn around and look at you.

I know all babies develop at different levels and I'm not comparing him to anyone. He just seems to have regressed in the last week. For the longest time if I said said "yay" in a fun tone he would stop and clap his hands as we taught him this. Now he doesn't do this. Last week he learned how to wave. I've been trying to teach now him this for sometime. He waved to a stranger on the bus by folding his hand in half. I was so proud. When we met up with my friend and her daughter for lunch he waved at her. He waved at Daddy when we got home. Now he doesn't wave and he doesn't clap. The night that I showed Eric how he waved he got a little confused and and half clapped/waved. it was so cute. But now he won't do either. I don't know if he is bored of this as it isn't fun or he forgot. We have his 12 month check-up at the doctor's next week and I'll bring it up. I think I'll call the public health nurse to see if this is normal.

Don't Judge Me

This was originally going to be a post about my weekend in a nutshell. But this changed after I read Helen's post over at Every Day Stranger.

My weekend was busy but I feel like I accomplished a lot. I had a friend come visit me from the mainland and I got to the gym twice. All while I managed to mother, cook dinner, go see a movie with my friend (We saw Revolutionary Road, I don't recommend it), go out for appies, getting home at 1am and getting up multiple times with Aaron.

So yesterday Aaron had his first ever Happy Meal at McDonald's. *GASP* Call Social Services I am the worst mother in the world. This isn't his usual fare. At the moment he is picky as hell and teething and doesn't have much of an appetite. I had to drive my friend to the ferry and Eric hadn't fed him lunch before putting him down for a nap. And it was lunch time. I didn't think he would make it back home for lunch so I racked my brain as to what I could feed him that he would you know actually eat. Grilled cheese sandwiches are a hit and so are fries. Therefore I made the executive mommy decision to feed my 11.5-month-old son McDonald's. And it meant I also got to pick at his fries because my small fry can't eat a whole small fries to himself. Thus satisfying my craving for McDonald's French fries and not having to order some myself. (Which doesn't bode well with he whole weight loss thing/healthy eating thing.) So we sat at McDonald's and I ripped up his grilled cheese and fries into bite size pieces and we sat there for a good hour while he fed himself. I also got myself a strawberry sundae and shared it with him. *Oh my*


Aaron didn't eat more probably more than half of his Happy Meal but he ate. I also got him apple juice for his drink. For the most part Aaron eats healthy food. Right now feeding time has become a bit of a challenge. He likes to feed himself and rarely will let us spoon feed him. So bite size pieces it is. Its frustrating meal times it takes forever it seems. But it is just one aspect of parenthood I just have to chug on through. My son is an independent lad and I don't want to crush this in him. He likes to do things his himself. I let him spoon feed himself stuff that will stick to the spoon. It is so cute to watch him put the spoon in his mouth upside down and sort of suck the contents off and he will proceed to the chew on it. As a parent I need to pick my battles meal time isn't one I want to battle. I wish it was simple. In my mind it's a simple concept. If your hungry, your eat. This isn't so with a baby/toddler. I don't want my son to resent meal time and not look forward to it. So we praise him lots. I don’t' want meal time to be a game either and have a 3 year old that needs to have meal time be "fun" all the time. I think we'll get meal time down with a positive attitude and patience.

For the most part of Aaron eats healthy nutritious meals. A grilled cheese sandwich in our house is served on whole grain bread with cheddar cheese. Being that he is teething and picky it’s challenging as to what to feed him. He likes cheese, toast and bananas. Some days that’s all he will eat. He also likes yogurt seemingly of any variety. It can be flavored or plain, sweet or tart. He likes my yogurt but I typically eat fat free yogurts which he shouldn’t be having. I give him full fat yogurts as he needs the fat for his development. Today to trick into eating I made him “mommy’s” yogurt. I mixed in some frozen berries with his plain yogurt which was sour as hell, but it was pink like mine and in the same bowel, so he ate it. He does get natural sugar in fruits and fruit juice which he doesn’t get much of. I am not a sugar Nazi but I don’t feed him crap like Fruitopia and Kool-Aid ( I am sure one day I will.) Sugar is a treat. When I bake I let him like the icing off of the beater and he doest like this. Doest he ever protest when you take his precious beater away from him.

Back to battles, one battle that I am picking is diaper changing time. He hates it. As soon as I lay him on the change table he freaks out. He doesn't do this with Eric; only me. I try singing to him, or blowing raspberries on his tummy but that can't go on for the whole change. It's so bad that I have to pin him down or strap him onto the change pad. This is frustrating. When you have a child they control your life in one sense or another forever. The trick is to not let them know this.

I think part of parenting it to repeat what your parents did as that's what you grew up with and what was emulated to you. My dad let me walk all over him and let me get away with murder. My mom ruled with an iron fist and was too harsh on us. I don't want to be either. I don't want to be a push over or have Aaron fear me. I don't want him thinking he is going to get the spanking of his life if he screws up. That’s how my mother raised us. Thank God my dad raised me from the time I was six-years-old. I just wish he had laid the law down more. It's balancing act. I want my son to respect me and listen to me. I don't want him to be the kid in the grocery store freaking out at the check out because I say no to the candy bar. But I don't know how to do this and this scares me. All I know is my parents. Sometimes I feel like the world’s biggest softie with Aaron, then the biggest meanie the next. I'll figure it out, I just don't know how.

Well this is a wrap my busy weekend has left me tired and with a clogged milk duct.

Look What New Food I Found

Aaron is sporting a nice rash at the moment. When he does I let him roam around naked to air out. This isn't uncommon in our household. Yes, I am aware that there will be accidents but we have hardwood floor that is as old as dirt (read as old as this house which is 40 to 50+ years old) and accidents aren't anything that can't be cleaned up. Tonight we were letting Aaron air out after his bath and Eric walks into the living room where Aaron is standing an playing and says to me "Does that look like poo?" Our living room was poorly lit at the time. I walked in and I said "yup its poop." It was decided I would clean Aaron up, diaper + dress him and Eric would clean the mess on the floor. *Warning* If you're easily grossed out or have a weak stomach STOP READING NOW.

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As I was cleaning Aaron up, which I thought to be poop on his bum and the bottom of his feet (as he had been standing in it) I noticed the smell was still lingering after I slathered him is Desitin which is quite fragrant and masks the poopy smell that lingers when using unsecented wipes as we do, when I looked under his neck and saw a brown orange chunk. I then looked at his hands and I saw the tell tale brown smears and it dawned on me that what suspected was true; Aaron had discovered a new source of nourishment. Yes my son is closer to a monkey than I thought. He eats his own poop. Naked time will now be closely monitored. I just hope he doesn't figure out how to take off his diaper.

No Queer Eye For This Straight Gurl

I like to the gym. I like going to the gym for many reasons. I get time to myself, I can listen to cheesy 80's music on my ipod and no one cares. I can ponder the meaning of life. Most of the time after a good cardio session I feel good about myself and I have more energy. A big bonus about going to the gym is that it's okay for me the check out other guys. Admit it, you do to. The only problem I have is that the gym that I go to has a healthy gay community. Which is great, it just means that the guy I'm checking out in the free weight area may not reciprocate the checking out. Usually my gaydar is pretty good. But then again most of my contact with gay people has been in the work place where I find it quite easy to get to know people especially in close quarters; which isn't the case at the gym. *Sigh* I just want to fully enjoy fine specimen of men at the gym.

This brings me to my next point. If you're anything like me, as a female I'm preprogrammed to constantly compare.myself.to.other.females. When I'm in the cardio room I'll be looking around thinking she's more toned/tanned/fit/muscular/prettier/flabbier/has a firmer ass/ than me. Being that my gym has a healthy gay community I don't know if the chick I am inadvertently comparing myself to is (a) gay and thinking I'm checking her out or (b) which is even more awkward is she's straight and thinks I'm gay and checking her out. I guess common gym etiquette would be to keep my eyes to myself. At least that's what I do in the change room.

A Pleasant Surprise...

When I went to my blog and all of the blogs on my blog reader have been updated in the last 24 hours! Woot! I've got some good reads tonight after aquafit. Now I am off to apply for a waitressing job. Wish me luck. Muaw!

Monday Measurements

I hereby bring the promised measurements and a follow up photo 3 weeks late. I'm sorry i haven't been working out as much as I'd like I go for a 3 day stint then feel crappy, lather, rinse repeat. I did get to meet with a personal trainer today and I got some accurate measurements. Yay! I don't know if the pic shows otherwise. You can decide. I don't feel any different or less toned. The plan is to work my butt off and reward myself with a nice pair of jeans when I reach my ideal fitness level. My measurements are as follows which were taken today.

Waist: 31 1/4
Calves: 12 3/4
Arms: 10 3/4
Hips: 36
Chest 34 1/4 (Top of chest underneath arms)
Thighs: 19
Shoulders: 39 3/4

All measurements are in inches.



My blue sports bra is in the was so I popped ona tankini... and the workout capris are to small. : ( They're from my pre-baby days.

Wordless Thursday

I present to you "Steggy"

This is the trial run I did of the cake I want to make for Aaron's 1st Birthday. This is the first time that I have ever attempted to bake anything this involved. Overall it I would say it is a success but a sloppy success. Next time I will do a few things differently. 1) I'll use a bigger surface for making the cake so it doesn't have to be on an angle and there will be more room between the tail on the body (I couldn't pipe stars on the inside of the tail); 2) I will curve the tail more and have the legs farther a part (get your head out of the gutter) piping the frosting on in such close quarters was cramped; 3) I'll use smaller tip I find the piping of the stars to be quite sloppy; 4) I'll make the eyes bigger and use black instead of blue and make sure they stick out more they're kind of sunken it and make the nostrils black too. It doesn't look anything like this cake which was my inspiration but I plan on trying again before his party.

Today is Sunday...

...and I feel anxious. I don't know what exactly lead to this, but Eric, Aaron and I were grocery shopping and I started to feel hot and light headed out of no where. I have officially been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder while I was under the care of a shrink for my PPD. I am not surprised, I have always been a worrier. I am pretty sure I inherited this from my grandma along with her looks. I am very much like her. Even down to my love for rum and cokes and any type of dip. The cheesier the better.

I was a talking to a friend who suffers from depression and anxiety on a greater scale than myself and she suggested I get anti-anxiety medicine. It happens so rarely that I feel like this that I don't think that it is necessary. I am human after all. I might chalk it up to Aaron having fits (read tantrums) when he doesn't get his way and getting dressed always involves screaming, twisting, turning and fighting. Diaper changers aren't much better. And the fact that I went to bed at 11:30pm last night was up 2-3 times with Aaron and up for the day with him at 6:30am. (Eric let me sleep in yesterday, today was his day.) The sleeping in until 9am thing was short lived. I am planning on going to bed shortly after writing this post.

After we got home from shopping I had lunch and relaxed a little and went out again with Aaron to Costco and Super Store. The entire freezer section of Costco was blocked off. WTF? I went there for 3 things: frozen berries, diaper wipes and cheerios. Needless to say I didn't get berries. I did get them at Super Store. I am a smoothie junkie will be even more so after purchasing my protein powder after some more research.

I am regretting my decision to not go to Vegas. I know I need it and deserve it. But I don't know if Aaron in ready to be left. Eric and I decided to start feeding him adult food more so than baby food as he is very keen on feeding himself. We did this with dinner tonight he had carrots, potato's and a little pork. He ate most of it. I spoon fed him mashed potatoes off of my plate as he always wants what we have. I don't know how to break it to him that isn't quite ready for lettuce yet. He needs a few more teeth 2 just won't cut it. No pun intended. I cute up half a pear for dessert and he ate most of it out of my hand. I looked into what to feed a 1 year old. (My baby is 11 months today!!!!)And I will use it as a guideline. I will not feed him more than 2 cups of homo milk a day as a 1-year-old doesn't need more than 2 cups of milk as it has the right amount of calcium. I am still breast feeding him. I don't want to wean him completely but scale back the daily feedings. Feeding Aaron has become more positive. We praise him when he feeds himself and doesn't fight us when we spoon feed him. If I say "Yay" in a certain tone he knows to clap his hands. It's so cute.

I think it is time to say good bye. Sleep is in my forecast.