Not At This Time

I had my psych assessment for egg donation today. The psychologist told me that he doesn’t think that ED is something I should do at this time.

We talked at length about different scenarios, and if I wanted to meet the IP’s or not. He thinks it’s good to tell the child(ren) and Aaron about the ED as everyone wants to know where they come from and what if any child that should result of my being an ED were to meet up with Aaron later on in life.

I got to thinking of a whole list of worries. What if a girl child were to result of it and her and Aaron were to meet up later in life and start dating? It’s highly unlikely but not impossible.

I then started worrying about other issues like what of there was a relative in the IP's family who was a child molester and because I donated eggs I subjected a potential child to this. Or what if the mom had cancer previously which left her infertile and then she has a baby and the cancer came back and she wasn’t able to beat it. That child wouldn’t have a mother, and enabled that to happen.

Or if the couple were to donate frozen embryos to another set of IP’s that brings up a whole lot of questions about IP’s.

What it comes down to is I worry too much, and what psychological repercussions would it have on me in the future and the current state of my relationship with Eric. Now isn’t the best time. We discussed the fact that I have General Anxiety Disorder and he thinks I should seek treatment (I didn’t know there was) through cognitive behavioral therapy (talking it out) with a psychologists and if ED is something I am still interested in than I should proceed with it at that time.

I am disappointed to say the least, but I think I have too many what if scenarios to be 100% comfortable with it. I just feel for infertile people and I cry when I read there stories and can’t imagine going through their plight. It would break me. Hence wanting to be a donor, but alas it isn’t meant to be at this moment. Hopefully this will change in a few months.

A Post Brought to you Courtesy of The # 2

The number of times I walked by my dad's car yesterday;

2

He is visiting and is nice enough to let me use his car. Every time I go out, and come back to it I am looking for our car.

Number of times I missed nearly getting crapped on by seagulls;

2
Walking around downtown Victoria requires an umbrella.

Number of times I walked away;

2

I took Aaron downtown last night to take in the sights and pretend to be tourists. A favourite pastime of Eric's and mine. I went to get a single scoop of gelato (sorbet) and one single bulk candy for Aaron and it rang into $7.90.

Yeah, I don't think so. Apparently there is a 2 scoop minimum. Screw that. Who can justify $8 (Thank you HST!) for ice cream???

Two gelato places on the same street. Yeah, they're probably owned by the same company.

Memories in Photos

Finally, a decent picture of my tattoos.

When I was over in Vancouver a few weeks ago I went to Kitsilano Beach with a friend and got some craptastic photos on my phone. I took pictures of the Showboat and pool as I have fond memories of these places from my childhood. My grandma used to take me to Kits Beach as a child and sometimes there would be performances on the Showboat. I used to love to watch these. Other times we'd swim in the pool in the back drop. It was a beautiful day and words can't describe the beauty that Vancouver possesses.

Yeah, So I Got Probed.

You knew it was coming. So I had the initial consult with the fertility clinic. It was mainly talking to the RE and IVF nurse about my history, family history and the process. They seem to be more concerned about the emotional implications that it may have on me and if I am up to it at this point in time given the instability of my relationship with Eric. So far I am okay with it. Things I need to do now.

-Blood work

- contact the shrink the get an psych evaluation

- Set up an anonymous email so that I may have contact with the IP's

It will most likely take place in September should everything go okay with the screening. I got a pap and some standard screening and a vagisound. I saw my right ovary. That's about it.

I got a tour of the clinic and saw the exam rooms, procedure room and recovery room.

Now I know in IVF land, the big thing seems to be socks. I got offered a pair of courtesy socks to wear during my exam. I declined, as it was super warm in the exam room. I am not one for socks anyways being summer. I can understand why one might want some knee high babies. As to not disappoint, I did take a picture of said socks.


They're certainly nothing to shake a stick at. I wonder why this isn't offered to me as a courtesy when i am getting my regular pap. I know we Canadians have universal health care. I am sure this wouldn't be much of an expense to offer these to the patients. It isn't as if we get to keep them. (According to the sign on the wall your to return them when done.)

I also wore sun dress, to make the exam process easier and less time consuming on my part. I highly recommend it.

Advil Cold & Sinus I Love Thee

I feel like ass tonight. I went to the walk-in clinic tonight as my right ear still hurts. I though my swimmers ear hadn’t cleared up. Turns out it has. My ear hurting is due to my sinus/head cold allergies. The doctor asked me what I was taking. I told him:

-Aeruis
-Advil Cold & Sinus

He said I should steam.

I told him I already do, and that I irrigate with salt water.

He offered me a corticoid nasal spray.

I told him I have Nasonex.

He suggested that I see a specialist.

I told him that I’ve seen an allergist, was told that I do not have seasonal allergies and was diagnosed with chronic sinutis/rhinitis.

I also told him I’ve seen an ENT and inquired about surgery on my sinuses, to which I was told the surgery would only last a few months to two years at the most. The ENT (Ear, nose and throat specialist) pretty much declined me.

I saw a naturopath. I was told I had a dairy allergy which causes my sinus issues. I think I stumped the walk-in clinic doctor.

I did go home and steam and irrigate. And took some Nasonex. I didn’t do much> I need my Advil Cold & Sinus, but being so late in the evening and it being a non-drowsy drug, I have to suffer. At least I am not hacking up phlegm anymore.

My sinuses can be so bad that they render me useless. Ah it sucks to be me.

-------

I took Aaron with me to drop the forms off at the fertility clinic. The nurse/receptionist was enamored with him. I said she could tell the IP’s how cute he is, as I won’t be giving them one of his baby pics, (of this I am almost certain) only some of mine.

2 days till I get probed. And have my consult. I get to see what kind of reserve I have (egg wise). I feel like a dam.

-------

I applied for a job that I really want. It’s a corporate sales job with my former employer. I’ve got the inside goods, my resume and cover letter were stellar. I hope they call me for an interview. Wish me luck.

FAIL

In the last 24 hours I have screwed up; twice.

We just got a new Wal-Mart Super Center here in Victoria. Finally! I am tired of all the construction that has been taking place for nearly three years. All the hassle I have to go through to make a quick trip to Wally World.

The Grand opening was on Wednesday and Aaron and I christened it last night.

Along with the new Wal-Mart is a HUGE parking garage. It was so busy last night that there were security personnel directing traffic. I was funneled into said parking garage parked my car when I found the first available spot, grabbed a cart loaded Aaron up and proceeded to entrance expecting to have the big O on the spot.

Three years! That is how long I have been and anticipating this Wal-Mart Super Center. Three years is a long time.

But I didn’t. I am not sure why It’s nice and all, but not what I expected. Hell, they even have escalators for shopping carts! You’d think I’d be more impressed.

I let Aaron explore while I chased after him and got to the store lay-out.

After 40 minutes or so of Aaron exploring I corralled him into a cart, got our needed items and proceeded to the check out, paid, and headed to the parking garage in an industrial sized elevator. (Which reminded me of Ikea. Except there have two. Wal-Mart Canada you FAIL))

And then, I didn’t know where I parked. I had an idea so I went there.

And here.

And there.

And here.

40 minutes later I still hadn’t found the car. I ended up having to get an employee to help me find the car.

Wal-Mart FAIL!

I pushed Aaron around this parking garage for 40 minutes people! He was good the entire time. Thank god for strawberries and fruit snacks.

I had an epiphany today. I have turned into what I feared most; an Island Girl.

I was city girl, but alas she is gone. The city girl I used to be would ALWAYS check her level and parking area number. I had to growing up shopping at Metrotown. Even when I am shopping in Seattle, Portland or LA I always check my parking area number.

I have succumbed to the laid back Island life. God help me. I prided myself on my street sense ways, always remembering to lock my car even in the safest of neighbourhoods. This is instilled in anyone who grew up in Metro Vancouver which includes Surrey the the car theft capital of North America (On a side note, I don't think Suri Cruise will be happy when she learns what a Surrey Girl is despite the different spelling, this might scar her for life.)

Well she is gone. I must now mourn.

My other failure was leaving Eric in charge of some roasting vegetables while I took Aaron out. I found a new recipe that I wanted to try.

I came back to pan of charred eggplants and tomatoes.

Cooking FAIL!

In no way do I blame Eric for this. I never told him to check on the vegetables at a certain time. I even came home 3 minutes before the timer was to go off.

Let this be a lesson. If your cooking something new don't leave to house or someone else charge.

Egg Donor Disclosure

I picked up my forms from the fertility clinic yesterday and have to complete them and drop them off before my initial appointment next week.

These are some of the questions I have to answer.

1. Are you comfortable with the intended parents (IPs) having access to your medical history ?

-Yes.

2. Are you comfortable with the IPs knowing your name(s)

-No

3. Would you like to know the names of the Intended parents

-No

4. Would you like to know the outcome of this cycle ( i.e. if successful pregnancy occurred )

-Yes

5. Would you be agreeable to any children resulting from this cycle, once they reach age 18 years, being given access to your identity ?

-Undecided.

Would you be agreeable to being contacted by the IPs in the case of a medical emergency. e.g. if the child required a bone marrow transplant !

-In a heart beat!!


Question 5 really has me wavering. My initial response was to say no. I do not want any children resulting in this cycle knowing my name. What if said child(ren) wants to forge a relationship with me or shows up at my door out of the blue? This isn't something I want to deal with in the future. But then again I believe everyone has a right to know about their history.

Another thing I wonder about is if I want to know the IP's names or not. I may say no now, but then part of me might wonder and it might eat at me every time I see a pregnant woman or a new mom and baby. Victoria is too damn small for my liking. I wish I could donate in a bigger city or part of the country so the likelihood of running into any future offspring is almost impossible.

***TMI warning for men.***

I have my appointment next week. For the first time ever I will be probed down there. I will be getting a vagisound. And I do most things with a bang the first time, as I will be on my period next week it will be a blast for sure. I told the clinic this and they said it wasn't an issue. The whole probing thing doesn't bug me I just find ironic for what time of the month my initial appointment was set for.

What I Managed To Avoid My Entire Pregnancy...

***I don't know what's up with blogger, but it won't accept spaces between my paragraphs at the bottom of my post and I've tried to edit it 3X amd I am tired. *** I picked some up today.

I managed to avoid having to use this product my ENTIRE pregnancy. I can proudly say, that I do not even know what a hemorrhoid looks like. And it isn't something I intend to google.

I was told that Preparation H is a good ointment to apply to my tattoos as per the after care instructions.

What I've found is that every artist, every studio seems to have a different opinion on tattoo aftercare. It's maddening.

I have been talking to a few different artists and studios and I've been searching Dr. Google.

I was told by my artist to wash it after a few hours with a mild soap then start using Lubiderm, Vaseline Intensive Care Moisturizer (free of scents or dyes) or Preparation H and to not get it wet until it's completely healed. I was checking out the ingredients on the Prep H and low an behold it has fragrance listed on the ingredients. Seriously WTF? Why is fragrance needed in a cream that is meant to shrink appendages on your ass? If you have said appendages you certainly shouldn't be down there and neither should anybody else for that matter.

Some artists or it seems to be the case here, encourage you to wash your tattoo 2 - 3 times per day with a mild soap and to not break out the Lubiderm until day 3.

I've been told "Water will fuck it up." "Showers are good for it." "It's okay to get it a little wet." "Water is evil to a tattoo."

One thing that is a general consensus is that submerging the tattoo in water be it by swimming, bathing or lounging in a hot tub is a no no.

So I don't know if I should be showering, not showering, washing it with a mild soap 2-3 times a a day and avoiding moisturizer until day 3 (Is that the third day of having my tattoo which would be today? Or 72 hours after getting it which would put me into tomorrow?)

GAH!

So far I've been washing 2-3 times per day with a mild soap (Pears for those of you that might be interested), patting them dry with a clean towel and I avoided moisturizers until last night when it got itchy and dry and I used one of Aaron's Aveeno scent free ones. The today I broke down and bought the Preparation H as per this site your to put an anti bacterial ointment (which I realize it is not, but was a compromise on what I was told and what I have researched) on it for 2-3 days then break out the Lubiderm on Day 3. So maybe I've fucked up my healing process I hope not.

My first two tattoos I remember washing it off and moisturizing then with Vaseline Intensive Care. I was all gung ho to do to do that in 2005 when I got my third tattoo on a whim with a friend when we were on Sunset Blvd in Hollywood. That we washed 2X a day with a mild soap and used Vitamin E cream. (She used Vitamin oil and hers healed poorly. Probably due to the lack of her skin being able to breath because of the oil) I'll keep up with the Prep H Ointment until tomorrow, and bust out the Lubiderm until they heal.

Obviously there is more than one right way to do something just as there is usually more than one way to get from point A to B.

Another thing that is maddening about this tattoo thing is that I can't work out. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! As the sweat will irritate it. I was planning on starting up at te gym again as I find exercise helps me stabilize my moods and I went off of my antidepressants for the egg donation. I've settled for light excerises that don't induce sweating. Like long walks on the beach.

***As a disclaimer I am not giving any tattoo aftercare advice, I am just writing about my experience this time around***

P.S. This is my 100th post on this blog. Happy 100th Post Birthday to me!

Tattoos

Here is a craptastic picure of my new tattoos. It was the best I could get with a cell phone cam as our batteries are dead for our other camera and I broke my point and shoot.

Yummy

A friend and I went to see Eclipse tonight. She had already seen it, but wasn't opposed to seeing Taylor Lautner without his shirt on. Neither was I to tell the truth.

You know who I'd really like to see without a shirt? Kellan Lutz. Mmm. Now that would be nice. Maybe some big wig producer will read this and they'll show him shirtless in Breaking Dawn.

A Word

I am very serious about egg donation. The clinic called me yesterday as they couldn't remember if I was interested in egg donation or surrogacy. (I don't think I would able to be a surrogate, I hated being pregnant and going through birth and surrendering that little baby would be too hard. This would be very different if it were for a family member or a close friend. )

I stated my intentions and am waiting to her back from the nurse coordinator with info on ED and someone to book my initial appointment. (I've emailed them and spoken to them on the phone. So I think two separate people might be in contact with me since I've heard from the head doctor)

Egg donors are not compensated in Canada. This law came into effect in 2004. As a result, one fertility clinic in Montreal had a drop of 70% in egg donors.

I don't how I feel about this. Honestly, I have looked into ED in the U.S. but as I do not have legal rights to work in the U.S. therefore I can't donate there.

I think some women might donate for seemingly easy money, but it is a grueling process involved. You inject yourself with drugs that make your hormonal and nauseous. Your pretty much making your body think it's pregnant. So I imagine it to be like I am pregnant but 100X worse. I see why women are compensated in the U.S. which isn't the case in Canada.

If I am found to be a suitable donor, I will go through with it. Most likely, the couple will be from The Island, even Victoria. I want to go anonymous. I don't even know if that is possible in Victoria. I don't know how I would feel if I ran into a mom and her baby that could be mine biologically. And in Victoria, the possibility is there. I am have dominate genes. Aaron's eyes are handed down from my French Canadian grandma. Who knows how many of her ancestors we resemble. I look like my dad, who looks like my grandma and Aaron looks like me. I wish I could donate elsewhere as to eliminate the possibility of seeing my potential biological child(ren) in public.

Do I wish I could be paid for my eggs?Yes. Is it deciding factor? No. I will need to find a ride to the clinic on the day of potential retrieval and have someone stay with me the 24 hours surrounding it. If Eric is at sea I'll have to rely on friends.

My point is , I am not sure how I feel about ED's being compensated but I think it would make is easier for infertile Canadians to become parents. I'll be doing a comparison on Canadian IVF rates vs. American to see if it's a big financial difference.

It's a Go

On both pages. I emailed to the doctor at the clinic about egg donation and tattoos/piercings. He says that my getting a tattoo won't hinder my chances at egg donation as long as I go to a licensed placed. (duh!)

A friend and I went down to the shop where I am getting my tattoos done and I spoke with the artist. I am beyond stoked and 100% sure about her abilities. I can't wait until Monday!

I've been enjoy my time at my dad's. I've been spending time with friends and relaxing.

Today I am going to hot yoga in a hour and then maybe going to the beach with my dad after he's off of work.

Tomorrow I am going out to celebrate some friends birthdays. Were going to the gay bar again. I don't intend to get drunk, I want to enjoy my Sunday, most likely at the beach. It is hotter than hell here. Well for the west coast at least. Were in the middle of a heat wave and I am loving it.

I need to hope in the shower before I head to yoga. (I know it kinda defeats the purpose of sweating my brains out, but I feel gross.)

Update of Sorts

At the moment I am hanging out at my dad's sans Aaron and Eric for a few days. The three of us made it here yesterday afternoon from my sisters and we spent the night. We took Aaron to a local water park and spent some family time together.

I have been have been more even keel now that I have been able to put some distance and time between the situation between MIL and I. I have done a lot of analyzing of the situation and I am not going to ponder it to death. I am going to write my MIL a letter and mail it, a heartfelt, constructive non accusing letter telling her how I feel. I don't want to just brush this under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. Visiting with my sister really helped, and she gave me some great insight and wisdom that only an older sister can.

There is someone else who is more at stake than me, and that's my innocent, beautiful son. despite my issues with MIL, she loves that boy. I don't know how future visits will be, but in the near future I don't foresee a visit. Eric will be away for 2 months come August, and will be deploying next spring and realistically he is the only one I would allow to take Aaron visiting to Alberta. One thing I am weary of in the future when he is old enough to make solo visits that she will talk me down to him.

I never want him put into this situation. My step-dad used to speak ill of my dad all the time and it broke me as a child. I want to protect my son from that hurt. My MIL is one to praise someone one minute and talk behind their back the next. She has done this with SIL, there is no doubt in my mind she talks about me. I am firm believer that someone gossips with you about his/her other friends and family, that the moment your back is turned they're talking about you.

I do not want Aaron subjected to this. Ever.


I will go to great lengths to protect my child. I am going to have to find a balance of things when he is a little older.


I am not going to write the letter in the next day or so as I want a little more time to think and digest the situation.

For the the next few days I am going to try to relax and get over this cold. My voice still raspy and I am still hacking up phlegm. So far today I went on a hike with a friend and went to a Bikram's yoga class. Tomorrow I will attend another hot yoga class and take it from there.

Crazy?

Call me crazy but I had a crazy thought a few days ago. I thought about donating my eggs. Why would I do this? I read A LOT of infertile women's blogs. I don't know how I managed to land myself in this camp, but since I started reading blogs in 2005 I've pretty much always read IVF blogs. I feel for these women, I wish I could do more than just offer moral support through comments and prayer.



Then, the other day I looked into it. I found a clinic in Victoria and contacted them. I thought I wouldn't be a candidate for at least 10 months as I have had a piercing recently which puts me at risk for HIV/AIDS. (I did my research on an American clinic's website and they said don't bother applying if you've had a piercing or tattoo in the last 12 months). So far it doesn't come into play at the Victoria clinic.

In Canada it is illegal to receive compensation for egg donation. So I wouldn't be getting any monetary gain from this. As such is the case in Canada, the clinic doesn't even have an egg donor program. The doctor emailed me some info and they want to meet with me, should I still be interested as they are always in need of donors. The only thing I'd be compensated for really is the drugs as I don't need to factor in travel or accommodations.

I've talked about this with a few people, and I've gotten mixed reactions. Eric doesn't mind in the least. Some people think I am nuts, some people are indifferent. I know that if I am found suitable for donation that the drugs may make me a bat shit crazy hormonal pregnant like lady as that's how I was for most of my pregnancy.

The clinic in Victoria gives the option of meeting the parents but I don't think I would want to should I go through with it. I want it to be anonymous and just go on with my everyday life. But it's something I might be able to do, to give someone else a shot at parenthood, something some people take for granted.

It Came To A Head

I have been composing posts over and over in my head for the last 24 hours. I don't even know where to begin. I have experienced every emotion imaginable from red rage to black sorrow. I have been to emotional hell and back in the last 32 hours. To blame? Mother-in-law.

I am sitting At my sisters in Kamloops. Aaron and Eric are here too. We should all be in Calgary. We had to cut our trip short by 3 days. The MIL and I got into yesterday and I couldn't stay there any longer. I've been analyzing every little detail of our argument and trying to decipher her. This woman baffles me and I don't know if I will see her again at this point.

I am going to shoot for the short coherent version of the events that took place.

Yesterday, Eric and were all set to go to Edmonton. The plan was to leave Aaron with MIL and FIL and take a day trip up there. As we were getting ready to go she said "Be back by dinner." I pondered this and said "Seriously?" And she said "yes, seriously I've got shit to do." (Um okay this is news to me seeing as she has this week off.) Edmonton is 3 hours from Calgary, it was unrealistic to think we would drive 3 hours there stay 2 hours and turn around and come home.

I went upstairs to get some needed items for the trip and Eric joined me, he said that MIL had told him she felt like we were dumping Aaron on her and nobody consulted her and we assumed she would watch him. Yes, we did assume she would watch hi,, no we didn't ask her. I realise our faux pas now, BUT in our defense EVERY SINGLE TIME we see them or they visit us and especially short visits with us they say how much they miss him, how they wish that lived closer so they could see him more. So naturally we assumed it wouldn't be problem. They did watch Aaron last summer for 4 nights when we went to Vegas. After we returned, FIL said anytime we wanted them to watch him we they would and he was a good boy and no problem at all. MIL said that Aaron reminded her of Eric when he was that age and she loved watching him, so we honestly didn't think it would be a problem.

As I was coming downstairs I passed her and she said "Don't be upset, Siera." as I was already choking back tears, I lost it on her. Years of pent up anger, accusations, examples how she was rude to me, all came out. It went on from anywhere from 30-60 min. Every example I gave her, she had a rebuttal or a comeback, NOT ONCE did the damn woman apologize at all. She proceeded to tell me I am a bad mother, a princess, that I use Eric as my whipping boy and that I treat my dad with no respect. The first 3 she has no recourse whatsoever. The way I speak to my father is the only valid point she had. ( I have a difficult relationship with my dad, he acts like a child and I am not the only person who feels this way and it's not relevant to this post) Yes, I apoligized for assumimng she would watch him and much more than I needed too. I am not that stuburn.

My MIL is the most headstrong person I know. I swear to god she hates me. Eric thinks it is just the way I perceive things, but there is more to it than that. At one point she even asked him what she thought of all of it. He said she has come on a little strong to me. I was hysterical at this point and had to get out of that house.

I'll give 2 examples of the past where she has spoken to me with such disdain that your head would spin. Both our from our visit in August of 2008 when Aaron was 4 months old.

When we got to their house from the airport as soon as I got in I started to help her unload the dishwasher I asked her where the glasses went. She replied in a spiteful tone "The same place they were the last time you were hear."

Who talks to someone like that?!

The same I wanted to boil water for Aaron's bottle and I asked where the kettle was as their was crap all over the counter she replied in a room full of family "Open your eyes dear." Again how rude can you be?

Every since I was little, all I ever wanted was to be a part of a family. I had a less than ideal childhood being raised by a single father and seeing my mom every second weekend. All I wanted was normal family to spend quality time with.

In last day, my emotions have spiraled from sorrow to complete udder rage I was gripping the steering wheel so tight that that my knuckles were white. If my MIL had been anywhere near me I would've launched myself on her.

Eric and I have been through highs and lows and had the same arguments. He blames me for coming on the trip as he wanted to take Aaron on his own, and leave me behind. He says he can't be with someone who can't he can't take home. I said I won't go back to his parents house in the unless his mom apologizes.

I have a lot of feelings to work through in the next few days, and will be using this as an outlet. I'll be staying at my dad's for a few days on my own in Vancouver.

Wall Flower

This is a bit of a rant. I'm sure SciFi Dad can relate

I am currently camping out at Hotel In-Laws. To say that I am enjoying myself, would be an overstatement. Eric, Aaron and I made our yearly trek up to Calgary. At the moment Eric and I are coasting along. The real issue is me and I have some feelings to work through and ultimately the state of our relationship is in my hands. I am assessing if he is what I want in a partner. And I'll leave it at that for now.

My relationship with my in-laws is pretty touch and go. Especially my MIL. She is hard woman to read and is an alpha female (I've been told. I think this translates into she always has to be right, disagree with everything you say and shoot me down) I used to love my FIL until his true colors came out. I guess not living in the same vicinity as someone you really don't a get a chance to know them. I don't feel welcome at their house anymore. The only reason I came as I didn't think Eric could handle the drive from Vancouver to Calgary alone with Aaron and I was right. I'd been happy to camp out at my dad's sans Eric and Aaron, but I put my son's needs ahead of my own, as that's what a parent does.

My FIL can make some really off hand remarks and cruel comments. Usually they're directed to my MIL and it has something to do with her weight. If any male partner of mine spoke to me the way he does to her I'd be out of that relationship before he could day good-bye. I've never put up with any type of abuse be it verbal or physical. I've been in two past relationships and where both guys exhibited signs of control. Both ended pretty quickly. One lasted a month and the other five days.

In the last 2 visits with my in-laws, my FIL has made some comments that have been rude and upsetting. I don't remember the last one last year. But obviously he doesn't feel the way he once used to about me. Last night the five of us MIL, FIL, Aaron, Eric and I took a drive across town to see their new digs as their moving. One the way back, Aaron was getting antsy and pulling on his hoody. We were on Deerfoot and I asked FIL if he could pull over so I could take Aaron's sweater off. He said something along the lines of "That's a stupid f***ing idea, you can't pull over on Deerfoot. Do you guys always give into his every squawk?" I was stunned into silence and I didn't give him a a reply. He pulled over at the next exit for us to deal with Aaron and that was that. He could've been more tactful and said "Right now isn't a good time to pull over but I will as soon as it's safe to do so." I was silent the rest of the way home and as soon as I had Aaron bathed and in bed I went out. I met up with a friend for coffee at 10pm. Whics is way later than I normally start a night out that doesn't involve alcohol. I just had to get away from this place. My friend was a sweetheart and said anytime while I am here I can come over to visit and bring Aaron. I think I will take her up on that.

I used to love coming to Calgary, but I don't anymore. I feel like a wall flower here. I am trying to blend in and stay out of every one's way and go out as much as possible or hide out in the basement and read. I let them deal with Aaron as much as they want as they only see him two times per year and the dote on him. But I don't leave the parenting to them. I've had fleeting thoughts and I second guess myself as a parent or that I am a bad parent, and he'd be better off raised by them as there so much better with him and he actually listens to them as opposed to Eric and I. On more than one occasion Eric and I have asked each other if were cut out to be parents as Aaron frustrates us so much at times we want to bang our head against the wall.

Before I got up here, I so needed a break from Aaron. He was getting to me, and I was looking forward to alone time so much that I almost didn't come but I knew what the outcome would be on that trip with Eric.

I was so stressed out in the days leading up to our trip, that I wasn't able to sleep for 3 days, I got worn out and got a nasty sinus/head cold/hacking up phlegm. I made the trip up here hacking my brains out and I even lost my voice. By the time we arrived my voice was a hoarse whisper and I just gave up on talking beyond needing to communicate basic needs. This is probably a good thing seeing as MIL and I butt heads she is probably delighted. And it has made me bite my tongue a lot. My MIL can say some pretty offhand things, and I've learned to smile and nod and bite my tongue. For example yesterday, I commented that I wanted to make a day trip to Edmonton with Eric sans Aaron and she said "Why would you want to go there? There is nothing up there." In a very negative tone implying her opinion was all that mattered. Mrs. Negativity. Now I know where Eric gets it from.

Eric was telling me what a shit hole Edmonton was, on our way out to the lake today and saying that I wasn't going to like it. So I said what was the point of going? And he said he'd still take me. I really don't want to start a day trip with that frame of mind, so I really don't want to go as I've already got a bad taste in my mouth. I can't wait to escape here and go to my dad's and have a few days to myself.