Wordless Wednesday




We parked behind this car at the mall today. It has to mean something right?

 

First Outing

When I sat down to write tonight, I was intending to write about the getting there portion of our Christmas. This post focused on my cat, and I wanted to upload some pictures of her from our trip to give you some visuals but, I got side tracked.

The memory card in our camera happened to be one that Eric had in his old cell phone, I am got taken back in time looking at over 600 photos of various memories over the last 2 years. Many of them were of Aaron. Pictures, I have seen in quite some time. And I was lost in time.

I never blogged much about Aaron when he was little. I had post partum depression and blogging was the furthest thing from my mind and I just didn't have the energy for it. A lot of his babyhood/new mommyhood memories have come flooding back with a vengeance and I want to document them before I forget. Hell, I still haven't written his birth story. I wrote half of it last March/April but I never completed it. I only did this little ditty.

Tonight I am going to focus on our first outing.

This is Aaron on his first day home from the hospital at 2 days old. On all of our outings, he would be done up like with candy cane receiving blankets, one covering his lap, another blanket on top and another one to cover him if it was raining. Going out was quite the ordeal.  

It was a Saturday and Aaron was 5 days old. My sister came to visit us and she asked how I felt about venturing out of the house. I was up for it. It wasn't anything to exciting, and Aaron was sleeping in 3 hour blocks at this point so it was safe to venture out. I was scared beyond belief that he would wake up and I wouldn't know where/how to feed him. This caused me a great deal of anxiety.

Sometime in the early afternoon we packed Aaron up in his infant seat and diaper bag and off we went to Wal-Mart. I remember my sister telling me I was taking too much stuff in the diaper bag, but being a new mom I thought the more the better. I hadn't left the house at this point except to run up to the drug store with a neighbour and I was gone for 15 minutes at the most.

So we went to Wal-Mart and trolled the baby section. I had Aaron in his infant seat in a shopping cart or a stroller. I think it was the stroller. My sister wanted to buy me a baby gift and I remember her getting him a Tigger outfit and a blue stuffie/blanky square thingy and I probably got a few other items and all was well. He slept through the entire time.

We then headed over to Superstore as my sister wanted to cook a gourmet meal for us (much appreciated!) but I told her I would love some fajitas. I had Aaron in the shopping cart in his car seat. Gloria needed to go off to get something and left me in the produce area. I thought she'd be going a a few minutes but it turned into a life time it seemed. She didn't have a cell phone so I had no way to get a hold of her. Superstore is massive!

I was literally having an anxiety attack although I didn't realize it at the time. I was sweating and panicking that the baby would wake up, and I wouldn't have a clue where to feed him. (He was breast fed and at that point I had only nursed him at home either on the couch or in bed with a breast feeding pillow.) I had to have everything just so before nursing could commence. She being a mother 3 had already been there and done that. ***TMI WARNING.*** (Any man or the squeamish may want to gloss over the rest of this paragraph.) I also wasn't up to using a public bathroom at this point either for fear of getting an infection and needing to use my squirt/douche bottle after every trip to the bathroom. After you give birth vaginally, you will need to douche with warm water after every trip to the bathroom for a few weeks. Not to mention urine stings your stitches (And I only had 4) and cried like a baby every time I went to the bathroom if my IB Profen had worn off.

After what seemed like a life time, and me scanning high and low while not leaving my area of the store for Gloria, she returned much to my relief. I don't know what I said to her, but she didn't think it was a big deal. If there was any indicator that I was headed for some pretty bad PPD, I am sure that outing was one.

Aaron slept through the entire outing, and my anxiety was not needed. He slept right up until we arrived home. We even had the pleasure of a road stop/seat belt check in our neighbourhood much to my surprise on way home. I think we got a chuckle out of the police officer as we explained it was our first outing and everyone passed with flying colours. Even Aaron, crammed into his car seat sans head rest with 2 rolled up receiving blankets wedged next to him like little candy canes.

Our second outing was less anxiety ridden complete with my first breast feeding in public experience. We went to a breast feeding friendly cafe where I knew some mom's. Here entered the new found fear of Aaron coming in contact with outside germs. That is another post for another time.

Let It Rain, Let It Rain, Let It Rain

That's what's in the forecast for the umpteenth number of days here on the Wet Coast.

That's what the forecast calls for folks! This picture depicts Vancouver on any rain sodden day purrfectly. It's been five years since I've had a Christmas at home and Vancouver has not failed to deliver.

It's rainy, not cold and a balmy 7 degrees. No need to pack snow gear, gloves or a tuke. Only yer umbrella is needed. So far I've yet to capture a Christmas from my childhood. I think it's safe to say that my childhood Christmases are in the past.

Hopefully, next year Aaron will know what is going on and I can live vicariously through his excitement.

I am keeping it real here on the Wet Coast. And so far it`s been gloomy.

We have an autism assessment come January for Aaron. Hopefully some light will be shed. When I got the call for the appointments, I thought  I would be relieved, but all I wanted to do was cry after I got off the phone. The realism of this has hit me. And Eric will be away for the second course of Aaron`s evaluation, so I don`t know what this will mean or how I will cope if the findings are positive. I will try to not think about it until then.

Right now I will wish you all a Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

What I Want For Christmas

Tis the season! All I want for Christmas is to have a Christmas like I did as a little girl. It's not about presents giving or receiving or having a certain tree. I want to be with MY family.

A typical Christmas for me as a child was to spend Christmas Eve at either my mom's or my dad's depending on the year. Followed by dinner at my mom's or my aunt's depending on whose house I spent the night at on Christmas Eve.

If I spent the night at my dad's (my residence) we would do gifts and breakfast then head to my aunt's for a gathering around noon where I would spend a few hours visiting with grandparents and cousins. Then it would be off to my mom's place for dinner.

If I spent Christmas Eve at my mom's, I'd do stockings and presents with my brother and sister(s) depending on the year and then I'd go to my aunt's for dinner.

This year will be the first in four years that I get to spend Christmas at my dad's. My last few Christmases looked like this.

2006: Calgary at Eric's parents place

2007: Our new place that we spent together and my dad joined us for dinner. We made our own traditions going to Butchart Gardens on Christmas Eve, I baked an apple pie and we had homemade waffles for breakfast

2008: Was spent in Calgary at Eric's parents again and my dad flew up so Aaron could spend Christmas with 1.5 half of his grandparents.


2009: Was spent here at home in Victoria and mt dad joined us.

I want this Christmas to be ones like when I was a child. Christmas was a happy time and I want to get that feeling back. I know if I do see my mom on Christmas day it will be short and we'll just stop by. She doesn't do anything for Christmas anymore and it's rather depressing. I can remember on Christmas where she hosted around 15 people for dinner. That was a loud, but fun Christmas as one of my sister's friend and her kids came over.

Nothing is simple anymore. Nothing can be the same I just hope that Aaron cam enjoy his Christmases with fond memories.

Consistently Inconsitent

- That's the only thing consistent about me. It's true. With blogging, parenting, job searching, driving, keeping house. It's most frustrating and I wish I was better at being consistent.

- I was googling random crap due to boredom and came across a website called. Is It Normal? There is some seriously messed up crap on there if you search it and click on random links.

- On the Aaron front he has started playing with a stuffed animal the other night. He was feeding it a bottle, laying it down, trying to make it stand. This just amazes us as he has never shown any interest in make believe with his animals. He played with it again before bed last night and slept with it and I tucked it in.

- My boobs hurt. I am sure you didn't need to know that BUT for the life of me I couldn't figure out why. The last time they hurt was when I was pregnant and breast feeding. And NO I am not pregnant. I just had my period last week. Then I had an epiphany early this morning while having my one of my middle of the night bathroom trips. (*I have the bladder of an old lady) I just started back on the pill. As any teenage girls knows, the pill makes your boobs bigger. DUH! No wonder my boobs hurt. I have been on the pill pretty much since I was 16 but take a year off when I got pregnant and was pregnant. I went back on it when I was 6 weeks post partum and was on it until I went off it to do all those test for being an egg donor. Needless to say, my body is reacting to being on it.

- Speaking donating, Liz is doing pretty well. We talked on the weekend and she said she might just let it be and not be focused on having a second baby and live her life. We will keep in touch and she will be over here in the new year getting a sonohystogram at the fertility clinic here that the Dr. offered her for free. If anyone reading this lives anywhere near Victoria and wants to see and awesome fertility doctor. I can't recommend Victoria Fertility Center enough. The staff are kindest and most caring people I've ever meet in the medical community and they put their patients first

* A testament at how small my bladder really is. I had to have an ultrasound the other day for bladder issues and I drank the prerequisite 32oz (1 litre) of water required before my procedure and the tech performing it told me I drank too much water for me only need about half that amount next time. I had to pee so bad I was in pain. Lucky me, for once a medical staff was on time. The tech said a vagisound was preferable and if I was comfortable, next time request one. I think it's safe to say that I am.

Why I Shouldn't Drink Coffee After 8pm

Or a double Americano. When in Rome. I went to a concert/story telling tonight. I went and saw these two women. I was invited and tagged along. It's not in my normal realm of things to do but I am into doing new things and seeing a lesbian duo is well within my comfort zone. So I drank coffee, because there was no wine. I like my coffee, but not late at night. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight.

I really took in what they had to say. The friends that I went with told me that they have seen them play to the straight crowd and hadn't seen them cater to the gay/lesbian angle before. But I get it, it is who they are. I was expecting to laugh more than I did, but being straight some of the humour may have been over my head. I really enjoyed the music and hope to see Kate Reid and Ivan Coyote perform again. Lucky me, they both live in Vancouver so I don't think it will be hard to see.

The one thing I took away from their performance is how important it is that I teach Aaron to be accepting of people for who they are while he is growing up. I may not get how it is the be gay and in the closet or how scary is must be to hide who you are but I get how it is to hide who I am.

What I mean by that was I wasn't accepted much by my peer groups growing up and often felt like an outcast. At times I still do. I don't feel like I for in anywhere at many times. I don't fit in the military wife community, or the 20-something military girlfriend crowd.  I don't fit in with the SAHM mom crowd, or the blogging crowd. The people Eric and I hang out with paths do not cross. We don't have couple friends with kids the same age and our friends are entirely different. I have been going through my life most of the time feeling as though I don't belong and I don't want that for Aaron.

I want him to just be a regular kid who isn't picked on like his mother was. I don't want him to be popular or in with any crowd. I don't know how to do this. I try to get him together as often as I can with his "friends" I have a couple of mommy friends and our boys are the same age but half the time play dates don't work out do to scheduling. I really don't know where the hell I am going with this post...

One thing I know I miss happier times. I feel Vancouver calling me all the time and it's a curse and blessing. Victoria still doesn't feel like home to me. Maybe that's my fault. I can go to Vancouver and pick up where I left off with old friends which is a blessing, but it's also a curse because when I am there I miss out on the happenings here. I wish I could be happy in the here and the now, not always wishing I was somewhere else. When I am there, I wish I was here and feel guilty partaking in events with my friends when I leave Aaron for a night. And when I am here, I wish I was there partaking in events with my friends. It's not a fun feeling.

Tara broke up with TM this week and I wish I was out with her while she out at getting to know a hottie co-worker who seems into her. But being at home with the family is more important. This is just verbal diarrhea.

So some updates are in order.

I haven't heard from Liz since I told her my test results. She is crushed to say the least I know while she moves onto her next step in having a baby. I really want to find her a donor, but I'd be jumping the gun on that one.

And here is some really good news. I have a job interview in the coming weeks with the provincial government! Whoa Boy! I am excited. It will be the most involved interview that I have ever had. They gave me the questions so that I could prepare. I won't say what capacity it is in. Being the capital, there are a lot of gov't jobs. So I don't think I'll be blowing the whistle on myself should I get it which is a LONG shot. But a shot none the less.

Math Doesn't Lie

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around my brain right now. I had my AFC antral follicle count this morning and I have 3 follicles. One on one ovary and two on another. That’s less than I had back in September.




MY FSH results are lower. 9.9. Which is are borderline. Based on this info alone, I am not a good candidate to be a donor. I am disappointed, but it’s probably in the cards. I’ve been told by the Dr. (Whom I love) that if I want to have another child sooner is better than later. A second child isn’t the cards at this time. This might mean shouldn’t I put off having another child, that I may have difficulties conceiving later in life.



I don’t see that as a reason to try. I want to do a post on why a second child isn’t in the cards for us at this time. The gist of it is I don’t feel I am the best parent nor do I feel I was cut out for parenthood in the ways that I thought it was. I love Aaron. I love him to death and I want what is best for him. I feel that I am better off being the best mom that I can possibly to one child than a mediocre mom to two children.



I had really bad post partum depression and Eric and I don’t have a support system here so it just doesn’t seem logical right now. I am undecided for the most part. The yearning for a second child is there. But knowing I probably wouldn’t do a very good job at parenting two is enough of a reason to not entertain the idea at this time



If being an egg donor will affect my fertility down the road, it’s another reason to take a look at being one. Things just aren’t adding up, My numbers (Math doesn’t lie), m and Aaron who may or may not have some form of Autism.



All this news had my head spinning last week.



Today I am calm as I have other stuff that needs to be dealt with. Aaron comes first. As does my family.



I have a Christmas party to get ready for tonight, one which seems of little importance and has lost it’s excitement. Eric has a cold, I was sick for his party last year it is fitting he would be this year.



I just have Aaron on the brain. I want to try to go lie down and digest this all some more.

This and That

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with my son. Sometimes I think he is a normal child than others somethings just aren't right.

His assessment can't come soon enough. I've been told there is a 3 month wait. He was referred in October that puts us into January. I haven't blogged about it, as there is nothing to say. Or at least there wasn't.

The staff at his daycare commented that he shows certain signs of autism. He rocks and he is repetitive. My dad does both of these things. A family friend of ours son has Aspergers and she mentioned some of the parallels in Aspergers and my dad. He is looking at getting an assessment. It would explain a lot.

The not picking up on social queues, the repetitiveness in his speech, the rocking. Going on with long monologues talking about stuff that has little interest of anyone but himself.

Autism is carried through male genes. Grandpa and Aaron have similarities... It's beginning to make more and more sense.

Being an egg donor and autism do not go hand in hand. I don't know this for a fact, but I don't think it's ethical. I assume fertility clinics won't accept candidates who are carriers or have family members who have it.

When I saw the Dr. at the clinic here last week, I asked him if my FSH levels could be an indicator if I may have fertility issues down the road and he says it's hard to say. He's seen donors with my levels go on to conceive no problem. A second child right now isn't in the picture. But I am open to the possibility a few years down the road. Or not. I am undecided.

I was instructed to get a second FSH test and and another antral follicle count. I had my day 3 FSH test today and I have an AFC on Wednesday. I am interested to know the results, but at the same time I don't really care.

I am more concerned with getting Aaron assessed so if he has some form of autism be it high functioning autism or Aspergers we can start getting him the help he needs now so he can have a happy and normal childhood and hopefully not have social issues.

That's what been floating around here. And the job search continues.

I did make a quick overnight trip to Vancouver to see Tara on the weekend. I got a call with her in tears and went to cheer her up and to help her see the light about TM. I think she may be coming to her senses. One thing that got me was when I said to her "I am not going to kick you when your down" and commented that TM would. Who does that? Another friend of hers and I spent some quality time with her. She has some big decisions to make in the near future.

Try Not To Look So Sad

That's what Eric said to me as I was leaving to go out last night when I asked him how I looked. I've turned into a bit of an insomniac lately. I am going on 3 days of very little sleep. Throw in a teething toddler and you have one tired me.

I have a lot of stuff on my mind. The lack of job, higher than normal FSH levels, a son who is going for an autism assessment at some point and then some. And I am not sleeping well. I still haven't even got a date for Aaron's assessment. I don't expect any pull or leeway, BUT a date for an assessment would be nice so I can plan my life for the next month.

So with all this going on, I went out with a friend last night. We went to a Bluegrass show. On of her friend's was performing so I tagged along. The first thing I thought I we walked into the venue was "OMG were the youngest people here by 20 years. WTF was I thinking??"

I didn't take me long to get into it. For my love of country music, I am surprised that I never gave Bluegrass music a chance. I got into and the evening passed fairly quickly taking my mind off things.. I was home early and thought I might finally pass out due to exhaustion, but Aaron saw that it wouldn't be the case.

We put him to bed early for him. He went down before 7:30pm and was passed out in 5 minutes. We didn't hear a peep from him until 12:30am. Gah. To him it was a long nap and he was up from then till 2:30am. I couldn't settle him evening taking him to bed wouldn't work. He tossed and turned, put his feet in my face ans started to kick. GAH. I can't leave him to his own devices when he is in pain. I didn't know if he just wanted to play because he wasn't tired or if he was in pain.

My boy needs some serious schedule resetting. He was up at 6:30am for daycare. I am only doing half days for him right now. I could've had Eric drop him off, but as this is his first real day I wanted to drop him off and get him settled. Eric can't do so as he has to be to work by 8. So it was drop daddy off at work, Aaron at daycare and me to go home and have a nap.

But, I couldn't sleep despite my best efforts. So I met up with a friend at the mall and did some window shopping. I was going to pick Aaron up a few presents but changed my mind because I can probably get the, in the States cheaper. I gotta give my dad a ring and arrange a day to borrow his car.

This is just verbal diarrhea. I got a call from the firm to find out that I DIDN'T get the job before I went out last night. The guy said he liked me and felt I would be competent but they went with someone who was referred by someone who had to job for years. GAH! He said he'd keep my resume on file. And I believe him. The fact that he called to let me know speak volumes for this employer.

I also have an appointment with the Dr. at the fertility clinic today. They got me in fast. Another reason, why I prefer the clinic here to Vancouver. I wonder what he will say about my FSH levels... I am trying to not get over anxious but it's hard not do.

No News is Good News Right?

It's been a day and then some. Throw in a toddler who wasn't allowed to have his nap due to a little schedule resetting and it was even more some.

Aaron wasn't bad or even tantruming much, in fact he was pretty well behaved for the most part and didn't fight bedtime at all tonight. Thanks to me skipping his nap. I don't get him. He goes a few weeks without napping, and then all of a sudden needs his naps again, and then he is fighting bedtime. I am curious to see if he will actually nap at daycare.

Still no word on the job front. I had a job interview on Friday for an admin assistant position. I should hear tomorrow or Wednesday if I got the job, but I am not holding my breath. I hate not having a job, and I am seriously thinking of applying at McDonald's until a real job comes along. I just can't get a break on the job front. There are too little jobs and too many applicants in this town. The guy who interviewed me for the admin assistant job told me that 100 names will come their way for every position. Wow! I am lucky that I was even interviewed. Fingers are crossed. But again, I am not holding my breath.

In an attempt to save $3.50 and to prove something tonight, I made homemade tortillas. They weren't all that difficult to make and they turned out well. Is it sad to say I prefer the store bought ones to homemade? They're much more convenient and taste better in my opinion.

I got an email from the doctor at the fertility clinic. We've exchanged a few emails. His first order of business is to meet with me again as the psychologist signed off on me not being a donor. I explained to him at length the circumstances about my going about being a donor anonymously versus known as I am going about it this time.

I mentioned to him my FSH results and he said that he was a little concerned about my ovarian volumes the last time he saw me but as I was on the pill they were suppressed. He also said if my FSH is elevated that it is a concern. Maybe google didn't fail me.

I never had a doctor give me my results. I got them from the receptionist at the walk-in clinic. (I had to get a new requisition form as I had gotten all my blood work done from the Vancouver Fertility clinic with the exception of my Day 3 FSH [Day 3 of my period, Follicle Stimulating Hormone count] and I lost the form the lab printed out.] The receptionist did asked the doctor's permission before she gave them, which isn't normal protocol but there was an old man who talked A LOT in front of me and I didn't want to wait to be told a number. In hindsight maybe I should’ve.

But I figured since I hadn't gotten a call from the Vancouver clinic, that I had nothing to worry about. I was just getting the results for Liz, who had asked. I placed a call to the Vancouver clinic and nurse called me two days later to which I told her I already had the results. I asked her if my number of 11.0 should be a concern and she said she didn't know the meanings and that if the Dr. hadn't called then I had nothing to worry about. I reiterated I was an egg donor, not a fertility patient and she told me that the protocol was the same, if the numbers were a concern I would've been contacted.

So I would think that no news is good news. As is usually is the case in the medical world.

Being a donor is complicated. I am glad that Mike and Liz switched the clinic here, as they really do take of their clients and don't wait two days to return calls.

Another way I got my results, were online. I registered then a few days later I got a PIN in the mail and I can now view all my lab results online. British Columbia and Ontario residents can do this. It's quite handy.

All of this has my head spinning. But this is why I went off the pill to these tests are run to make sure I'll be a good egg donor candidate.

Or not.

Stuff I Should've Blogged About But Didn't

I have many of these moments. Right now one of my BFF's Tara, is having relationship woes. She has been with "the man" (a term I use loosely because he is anything but) for about 8 months.

Tara and I go back to grade 9. We have each others back, we confide in one another, we were roommates, and I am fiercely protective of her. She is an independent woman who has never needed a man in her life to make her happy nor to feel complete.

She was doing the 20-something-single life just fine but dabbled in online dating at my urging as she was looking for a long term boyfriend and to maybe start to process of settling but didn't have her heart set on being married by a certain age.

You can see where this is going. She met the man (TM) on said dating site. Shortly, after they started dating she introduced me. At first meet, I liked TM and was immensely happy for Tara. We had gone out to eat and had great conversation and I could see what she liked about him intellectually and  I thought she had finally found a good guy after doing the dating thing.

It didn't take me long to change my tune. Being a BFF of Tara's it's natural that she confided in me and tells me her problems. It wasn't long before she started complaining about X, Y and Z that TM had did. As a good friend I said "why don't you break things off?"

Her answer?

"I love him."

I should probably back up here and say I  had never seen her so smitten or in love a guy. It what most people experience being in a new relationship and nothing unlike I had experienced in new relationships it reminded me of me. I was happy for her.

Until the constant complaining came of "TM did this, and TM did that."

I actually had thought to blog about it or put a post up in the community, but never got a chance to.

It seems TM has a certain set of rules for himself and and another for Tara. When they first started dating, he wanted her to "decrease she chances" of meeting other men yet they still weren't exclusive and he didn't want to have a "label" put on their relationship and kept his profile up on said dating site.

She was in the frame of mind that she should keep her options open if he wasn't willing to commit. I fully agree with that. Tara's idea of meeting new people is going out for coffee not whoring herself about.

I spent a lot of time with Tara through out the summer and we chat often. I see her almost every time I go to Vancouver. I value her friendship, respect her opinion, respect her as person and a woman. She is one of the strongest people I know, she works hard, is career driven and ambitious and I have never in my life seen reduced to tears over a guy.

The shit her puts her through angers me so. For the first few months, I listened to every thing she had to say about him and gave her advice I thought was useful and was being a good friend lending an ear.

But there comes a point when you here the same stuff where it becomes redundant and you don't want to hear it. I've hit that point a few times with her.

Our conversations usually are along the lines how are things? "Oh things with TM are the same we'll have a few  good days, then he'll say or do something upsetting."

I asked her in the summer what she would do if her relationship with TM started to effect her work. She said she would take time off work. (She's a teacher.) Being the summer, it didn't matter. I don't know how much sleep she lost over him in the last 8 months.

Now it's starting to effect her work. She has report cards (She was subbing before) due and his being asshole is starting to effect her. She is stressed out with report cards and parent teacher meetings and TM is less than sympathetic as to why she can't devote more time to him.

He works retail. I am not judging anyone who works retail, but it's a job that stays at work and your work doesn't go home with you. Such isn't the case for teachers. I am not educated to her level but I get it. Certain times of the year will be crunch time.

Tara and I were talking earlier today and she was bemoaning her usual list of grievances with T M, getting me up to speed with where she`s at as we usually talk weekly.

Today's bullshit is TM doesn`t understand why they have to plan their time together when it`s convenient for her and if she isn`t satisfied sexually than she can find satisfaction elsewhere???

Tara doesn`t understand where he comes up with this crap as that`s one thing she is satisfied with. I`ve chalked it up to him being insecure with himself and he will project stuff as an issue that never was.

Gah, I am blogging about a friend`s relationship issues. I am sure I`ve lost you all. I should`ve blogged about this in smaller doses so you could follow me and that you all would`have background info.

If I still have you, I am impressed.

I am puzzled over my smart friend`s crappy relationship choice and why continues to date him. She is over the honeymoon stage and see`s him for what he is. A drama, making issues out of nothing, insecure man. Now why is she with him?

I should do a background post on him and some of his little quirks to give you better background info.

I hope my friend comes to her senses in the mean time.

Snow!

It's been snowing on and off around these parts the last few days. I am not one to freak out over a little snow like the rest of my fellow Victorians and Vancouverites, but I will use it to my advantage and not go out in it if I don't have to! This is where the beauty of living among a bunch of pansy asses comes in handy. You see the slightest amount of snow and the city starts to freak out and shut down.

I know the rest of the country is making fun of us, and I normally do too., but I was able to keep Aaron out of daycare! He doesn't officially start until next week, but we've been doing gradual entry where I leave him for a few hours at a time and gradually increase the amount of time he is there. Since I don't yet a job lined up, I plan on picking him up at noon the first few days.

I am glad that we did keep him out. He slept in till 8:30am and went to bed just after 8pm last night. He doesn't normally nap any more. He still gets up at night once and a while. I've come to accept this. sometimes it's as little as him crying in his sleep to a bad dream. A back rub usually will fix it. With teething, it's guaranteed he'll wake up as soon as his medicine has worn off.

I am waiting for a little bit more snow to fall then I think I will bundle him and try to play in it. He doesn't like to wear his gloves, which can be a it of a problem. If he is in his stroller it isn't a problem but as soon as he wants to pick something up, off they come. It is something to be worked on.

I need to make myself a cup of coffee and clean up the kitchen before we head outside to play. Which could take awhile.

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So I got my Day 3 FSH results yesterday. It was the last in a series of blood work that I needed for the old clinic in Vancouver.

I just picked them up at a walk-in clinic last night. I had lost a requisition form, and had to get another one so I got one from a random walk-in clinic.

My number is 11.00 per IU/L. I honestly have no idea what this means, but based on what I've googled I think it means I have a borderline or fair grading of egg reserves and the amount of live births is slightly reduced. (Not sure if this differs with my being an egg donor vs. the host) I've also read that each lab measures levels differently depending on which assays were used. I have no idea what an assay is.

I know googling shit when you have no idea what it means is bad, bad, bad. I don't even knows if I will be accepted as a donor or I will needed a higher does of drugs to produce a good supply of eggs. I've been told I am "young" and will have good quality eggs, but I am 28.5 almost 29 which isn't exactly on the young side of things. I hope I can still donate to Mike and Liz it is something I really want to do. I am getting excited for the possibility of a cycle and the outcome of Liz hopefully having a baby.

I emailed Liz my results last night and I haven't heard back from her. I take that as a bad sign as she knows more about IVF than I do having gone through a few cycles herself. I really just want her to have what she wants.

And I have no idea what this means.

FSH Day 3 Results

So back to being an egg donor. Mike and Liz have their consult at the end of this week with the clinic over here. Hopefully, we'll be able to start this cycle soon.

I got my Day 3 FSH results and I have no clue what they mean.

I got my Day 3 FSH results. Under the result column I got 11.00; under the Abn column I got N and then it breaks down like this:


Prepubertal: <3.0 IU/L

Follicular/Luteal: <9.0 IU/L

Midcycle: 4.0 - 20.0 IU/L

Postmenopausal: 20.0 - 135 IU/L

From what I've googled and my intereptation of it 11.00 isn't the greatest # depending on what infertility clinics standard are. If anyone one knows what this means, feel free to let me know.

A Day That Was Meant To Be Blogged About

Back in early September, I had real pickle of a day. I meant to blog about it but never got around to it.

I had recently ventured into the DIY below the belt waxing. I have had so many experiences with it, I figured it can't be that hard.

So I bought some wax, and started doing it myself. I was heading down to visit my grandpa with Aaron and I knew we would be swimming so I had some maintenance to do.

I had brought my wax with me to my dad's and went to heat it up. I heated it up in the microwave with the lid on because it was stuck. In the past when the lid was stuck it came off after I heated it up. So I heated it, and heated it. And heated it again.

There was no way in hell that bad boy was coming off.

So I did the next best thing. I called the spa up at the mall by my dad's and made an appointment.

Complete with Aaron.

The receptionist offered to watch him while I went to the waxing room but I declined. There was no way in hell he would be complacent with me being behind closed doors. So I wheeled the stroller in gave him a bottle and some toys and pointed him away from me.

He wasn't too thrilled about this, but allowed me to get my nether regions maintained without too much fuss.

When all was said and done I went to pay.

But I realized that my dad had my debit card.

Shit!

I had given it to him the night before to pick up something for Aaron and had forgotten to get it back.

This was not good. I felt like an idiot as I explained that my dad had my debit card and I had no other means of payment and that I had to drive to his work to pick it up. Now his work isn't that far away, but I felt like a douche none the less.

I left the receptionist my drivers license as collateral and proceeded to run to the car. I got Aaron settled in his car seat and folded up the stroller and put it in my trunk. When I went to close my trunk it wouldn't close.

Shit!

I tried to close my trunk over and over but to no avail, the bugger wasn't closing.

Shit!

Here I am without my license and a trunk that won't close and needing to make a payment for services rendered.

You can imagine how flustered and anxious I was.

There was no way in hell I was driving down a highway to my dad's work with my trunk flapping open. That's just begging to get pulled over.

I needed something to tie it down, but I had nothing to do so with nor any money to buy something with I was in a predicament.

I then remembered that my dad had bungee cords. It's only a few blocks from the mall to his place. I wasn't concerned over driving a few blocks on city streets with my trunk flapping open.

I made it to my dad's with only one person telling me that my trunk was open.

When I got there, I couldn't find the bungee cord.

Shit!

I called him in a panic and he told me they were outside with his bike rack. Duh.

So I tied down the trunk as best as I could with his bungee cord and proceeded to his work with with trunk still flapping, making a thunk every time I hit a bump praying I didn't get pulled over as I didn't have my license on me.

Being pulled over would've been the icing on the freaking cake. I was half expecting it.

I got my license and back to the mall to pay for my waxing without incident.

In the course of an hour, I couldn't get the lid off my wax, pay for my waxing, nor close my trunk.

I called a friend to relay my horrific morning to her and she said "Why didn't you soak the wax in hot water? That's what I do when can't get the lid off."

Shit!

How Do You Blog?

As a  blogger, I often wonder how bloggers come up with material for their blog posts. Some blogs have a theme which dictates the material being written about. Some blogs are mommy blogs, military spouse blogs, daddy blogs, infertile blogs, cooking/food blogs etc. The list goes on and on.

I don't think I fall into any category per se. I definitely do not consider myself a mommy blogger but I touch on parenting as it's one aspect of my life. I personally started blogging to fill a void. I had recently moved to Victoria, and was lonely in the evenings when Eric was a sea. I divided my time between blogging and watching Scrubs on DVD. A lonely existence for a brief time.

I never made any really  effort to make friends because I went home almost every weekend to see my friends so I still felt that I had an active social life and I was friend's with a girlfriend of one of Eric's friends. I was still happy, but needed to fill a void. So I started a blog.

I have been reading blogs since 2005. Once I started I couldn't stop.

I don't consider myself a great blogger or even a good blogger because I am so inconsistent and random. I like to be random. I think of neat posts all the time, but I usually don't get around to blogging about it because I run out of time.

If I was a better blogger you would know that Eric and I are baby free this weekend. My dad asked/offered to have him for the weekend so we jumped at the chance.

This is are first time home alone for more than a few hours in our home without out him.

It has been very quiet. It's almost the way things used to be before we were parents.

When we were doing the long distance thing before I moved in with him, I'd come over many weekends to his place. He's come to me too. But I preferred to come here as he had his own place and I lived at home. (I paid rent) I'd hop on a ferry on a Friday night or Saturday morning and he'd pick me up.

I took Aaron over to my dad's on Friday and came home Saturday morning. It was just like old times when Eric picked me up at the ferry. I've forgotten what it's like to ride a ferry on my own. What I used to look at as a nuisance is now a pleasurable experience when I make the crossing solo.

I was only in the mainland for a night, but I managed to get some time in with my besties. I have group for three friends and we are like peas and carrots. Every time I am over I try to get time in with them. It doesn't always work out that way and the last time I was over things didn't pan out but things worked out great on Friday night. I wasn't able to sneak away until late as my dad worked late but we went to a local pub and caught up. It reminded me of old times.

It happened to snow Friday night so the pub was oddly quiet. Unlike most Vancouverites, who tend to freak out at the slightest hint of the white stuff, we ventured out.

I cam home yesterday morning and I had to say it was wonderful and beautiful ferry ride complete with a dusting of snow on the Islands, killer whales and a free performance.

I love it when I see killer whales on the ferry. I can say I've only seen them 4 or 5 times and I've been making the trek from Vancouver to Victoria for eight years.

The last time I saw killer whales on the ferry, one was actually breaching out of the water. It was younger one and he was just so full of energy. It was if he knew we were there and wanted to give us a little show.

I also had the pleasure of hearing a duo perform a few songs with guitar and some kind of shaker. I've seen this before and they give a free show and then sell a CD. The ferry is a neat place to showcase talent.

I've had a good relaxing weekend. Eric and I went out to a pub with his co-workers and girlfriends. We go out about once or twice a month with these people. I liked the pub we were at and the atmosphere. I was a great time and we took in some live music before heading to a night club. We weren't in the mood for clubbing but being a birthday and having  good time already we wanted t be good sports and went along.

Tonight we will watch some TV and tomorrow I will fetch Aaron.

Back to the blogging business.

How many hours do you spend a day/week on blogging? Mine will vary. I don't have any set time as I don't have a big readership.

I would like to change that but I don't know how as I don't have a genre here.

I have ideas I'd like to blog about but sometimes they get pushed back.

Do you ever hold back so you don't ruffle the wrong feathers? I normally don't because I am not to

Controversial but if I think a topic will hurt someone I may hold back or not write about it all.

I found one blog post via a link that I want share with you because it made me LMAO. If you want a good laugh, go read this post at Hyperbole and Half. You will be in stitches by the end.

I read this article in our local paper today. It's on polyamorous trio with one woman and two live-in boyfriends. It really is

I want to do a post on polyamory, living in Halifax, roomates, break up and ex's but I never seem to get around to it. I hope to do so. We shall see what I can pump out. For now I am going to go enjoy some TV with the man.

I am a Grown Up

I had another job interview the other day. This one with a reputable company with a legit position. The position I was interviewing for was 100% commission based. I have no problem with sales; I just can’t rely on them 100%. When I am working I need to know what I am going to making each pay check. This particular job is apparently requires 60 hour weeks to be successful and I have the potential to make six figures (according to the interviewer) within 5 years.

I don’t see myself being that mom who never sees her son. A good thing did come out of it that my resume will be put forward to someone who will need an admin assistant. I hope I get that job; I’d be a perfect admin assistant.

I think the difference is was I had the foresight to wear nylons. I haven’t worn nylons in years! I didn’t even own a pair until two days ago. I have a killer grey conservative office dress that I like to wear to interviews. I pair it with black stiletto heals. It looks very sharp if I do say so myself. I wore said dress to my last real interview and I don’t think I got that job. I also didn’t have nylons to wear. I was early for this interview so I popped into a drug store and bought some nylons on a whim. I think it completed to outfit. I got a compliment on the dress from an admin assistant.

I also printed off a resume and cover letter, just in case as I applied for this job on a job board and the formatting isn’t very clean. My interviewer discussed my results from a survey on my work skills at length and is described my work habits to a tee. He said he would pass my resume on, and I hope he does.

All because I wore nylons.

I think.

I am becoming a grown up.

The Writing on The Stall

Eric and I went out for breakfast the other day at this diner. It's a local favourite. When he came back from the bathroom he commented about some weird crap written on his bathroom stall. When I went to the bathroom, my stall did not fail to disappoint.

I was able to grab a few pics for your viewing pleasure.

 "People Always Write Dumb $h!t in Bathrooms."

 "Sticks & Stones May Break my bones, but at least the seeds of love will be sewn"
WTF? See the first pic.

And then as we were paying, I notice some cute baby pics displayed at the cash register and I went into baby gushing mode. And then I noticed the one picture of the baby bottom right. DUDE. Victoria, definitely is breast feeding friendly and then some.

Remember

Today marked Remembrance Day (Veterans Day in the U.S.) in Canada. I don’t have to words to convey what I am feeling. It marks a day of remembrance for those who died fighting in wars so we could be free. Having a spouse in the military puts extra importance on this day to me.

In past years I never observed Remembrance Day outside of a ceremony performed at school. As a child, I remember the ceremonies that took place in my elementary school gym. We would all sit on the floor with our class as two children per class would bring up our class reefs with our individual poppies lay them on the make shift memorial.

Someone would recite In Flanders Field and we would observe a moment of silence. This is one holiday that really sticks out in my mind as a child. The black and white pictures that would be put up on display in my school from WW I and WW II still stay with me.

I don’t have any memories prior to elementary school regarding Remembrance Day. I want Aaron to carry the significance of this day from a young age. I took him to his first ever Remembrance Day ceremony today. The last one I attended was eight years ago as Eric was in parade for it. I don’t know why I stopped observing this holiday; I just never took the time to really remember.

I am lucky that Eric is with me and by my side. I am lucky he serves our country for my freedom. I am thankful that he is not over in Afghanistan and is here. This may not always be the case but it is today.

Both Eric’s grandpa and my grandpa served in the Army during WW II. WW II is what brought Eric’s grandparents together. His grandma was a war bride. My grandfather never made it overseas during the war but Eric’s grandpa did. I am thankful for both for fighting for us.

I hope the significance of this day doesn’t go unnoticed by Aaron. He is too young to know what November 11th signifies. If he remembers the Airplanes that flew by I’d be impressed. My boy has a love of planes.

Before going out today, we watched Memphis Bell. He actually, sat threw large segments of the movie. As long as there was an airplane in it, he was hooked.

I swear to God that boy is going to be a pilot or an airplane mechanic.

Interviews and Waxing

So I went for the job interview. I don’t know if it was scam per se, but I think it was a huge waste of my time. I arrived to a bare bones office with 8 or 9 people crammed into it.


I was handed an application form by a “receptionist” who seemed to be doing interviews in between manning the desk. I caught on quickly that you went into one room with the HR lady and answered some questions then given a questionnaire to fill out while waiting to be interviewed by the “receptionist.”

I spoke with my fellow interviewees and asked if anyone else had googled the company name. I spoke up with what I had read. I certainly seemed to ease the tension and nerves of the room.

When I was called in with HR lady, I gave all the answers and but she was evasive to my questions regarding what the job itself was. She asked me to stay for a company orientation to which I declined and told her it would’ve ran into me picking Aaron up. So I said.)

I discussed this with a friend later and she said she has sat through these types of pitches and after the sell on the company goods is when they ask for your money.

I didn’t get the second interview with the receptionist nor did I care. I was offered the chance to come back Monday and I said that I would, but I will call to cancel.

I had better things to do. Like get unwanted body hair removed from my face. The French Canadian in me was really starting to show and if I let it go any longer, I might be mistaken for participating in Movemebr.

I went to get my eyebrows threaded and my upper lip waxed. I got my eyebrows done and was told the waxing room was busy for the next half an hour (I was a walk-in) and said what the hell and had the girl thread my upper lip as well.

Let me tell you there are certain parts of the body that are NOT meant to be threaded and the upper lip is one of them! I know why I get my upper lip waxed and not threaded! OUCH. And this is not the time of the month to be getting body hair ripped out of my body. (A little known fact, that when it’s that time or near that time of the month getting hair removed from your body hurts a hell of a lot more!)

I always got my eyebrows and upper lipped waxed. The five years ago I found myself living in what I like to call Little India in Vancouver. Middle Eastern women get their unwanted body hair threaded. My roommate told me about a place down the block where she went so I went one day to get my upper lip waxed for $3!

I knew it was dirty unsanitary little shop that was more of a barber’s shop which offered threading and waxing. I figured a place so cheap couldn’t mess up the upper lip so I went. The girl who removed my unwanted body hair told me I should get my eyebrows threaded. I was skeptical. I talked to my roommate and she said they did Brazilians for $20! (Any woman who knows anything about that knows it’s a steal)

There was no way in hell I’d let anyone south of the border in such a dirty shop, but was curious about the threading.

So the next time my eyebrows needed grooming I went there to get my eyebrows threaded. I was pleasantly surprised how well they turned out! And how cheap it was!

I stuck to my girl at the little shop in Little India. Even when I moved back home I still made the trek there. I stuck to threading for my eyebrows for the most part with the odd wax job now and then. I once tried getting my upper threaded but it hurt so damn much I’d rather have the wax ripped off in one fell swoop. And I continued to do so, until today.

I think I shall s stick to waxing of my upper lip.

I should probably venture back to the DIY method.

Too Good To Be True?

Welcome to job search 2010. I've really stepped it up a notch in the job search. Yesterday, I sent out a bunch of resumes. Today I got a call.

Most employers do not call right away unless they are desperate. Or it's a scam. This prospective employer left a message as I missed the call. Upon listening to the message, I immediately googled the company's name. The first thing that popped up was "ABC Company scam." I searched that and read some message boards.

What was said in the message boards, was what the recruiter left in the message. This made me go hmmm. This job is a sales based job, not something I am keen on but I can handle it. It would be something to tied me over until I find a better position. At this point my goal is to pay for Aaron's daycare.

When I spoke to the recruiter, she asked all the phone appropriate questions for a phone interview. I was thinking she was legit when we set up an interview time.

She asked me to bring a copy of my resume with me. This normal protocol in the job interview process.

She also told me to wear business appropriate attire.

Seriously? I can't believe she said that.

We talked at length of my previous positions.

I've worked for the government.

I worked for Big Name Cell Phone company.

I didn't sleep with anyone to get any of these jobs.

I assume I got them based on my interview skills and not showing up in jeans and flip flops.

Did she really think I'd show up in non business attire clothing? Jeez.

I even knew to wear a collared shirt and black skirt for my first ever job interview at McDonald's when I was 15. And I got that job.

If something is to good to be true, than it probably is. But I am curious none the less.

If they ask me to give them my own money for training. I will get up and walk.

Another Post Brought To You By Courtesy of Friday

It's Friday night and I find myself blogging. As per usual for me. So we've had a busy week. I need to find a job ASAP. We've decided on a day care for Aaron. I want the spot, even if it means going back to being a grocery store cashier in the interim. As a family of three on one income, we can afford it, but things would definitely be tight.

I've always maintained whatever I end up doing for work, I need to make at least double what day care costs to justify it. Of all the day cares I've viewed and interviewed in the last 2 years, this is by far my favourite and meets my expectations which are high. Surprisingly, it isn't the most expensive either.

The day care we viewed on Wednesday gave me a bad feeling from the start. We were early for our appointment, I found the staff to be rude, and nobody bothered to introduced themselves while we waited for the lady who was giving us the tour. I've walked up to day cares without an appointment to get warm greetings from staff and a tour. Aaron wanted to leave right away and went straight for the door. He ended up having a tantrum of all tantrums and Eric had to take him out so I could finish the tour on my own. I may have had some preconceived notions based on some feedback I had gotten, but I really tried to go in with an open mind. I just got a bad feeling all around. The toys were put away and brought out throughout the day, and I really didn't care for that. The space was huge, but isn't the size that counts. It's how they use it. Even for day cares.

The one we've decided on all Aaron wanted to do was play with toys and we had a hard time prying him away. I have no reservations about Happy Land daycare or the staff. (I so just made this name up on the spot.)

We want Aaron in day care as we feel it will benefit him where we can't. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around my son being in daycare full time. I wish I could work part-time but finding a part time day care spot and job is next to impossible. If I end up working part-time, I'll keep him home on my days off. I never thought I'd be a stay-at-home-mom for so long, it just worked out this way. A recession doesn't bode well for one in a smaller city. The timing couldn't have been worse for a recession, but such is life.

I really hope that I get this job I interviewed for. It's a good company that pays well (I think). The job its self could be wearing, if I let it. I don't know what to call the position interviewed for. I guess escalation help desk would be the correct term. I wish I had gotten the email address for the lady that interviewed me so that I could send her a follow up letter. Stupid, stupid.

I wonder how all this with play into being an egg donor. As Mike and Liz are switching clinics to the one here of course their is a wait for a their consult. Which has bumped things back further, but from my dealings and Liz's dealing she gets a better feeling from the clinic here.

 If/when I am employed I don't know what to tell my future employer. I figure I'll just I have say day surgery, which egg retrieval is. I don't want to get into the nitty gritty of my personal life. I though of saying I am doing an IVF cycle but then they will think I am trying to conceive and may terminate me before my three month probation. Then if I say I am a donor, I'll get lots of questions or weird looks. I am open about what I am doing to friends and people I know well, but I don't think it's an appropriate course of discussion with a new employer. I plan on saying that I was bumped on the wait list and spot became available. It's plausible. But all the appointments leading up the retrieval is what scares me, I don't want to appear to be a slacker so new into a job. GAH. I guess there is no point in worry about it now.

I am tired so I think I best be getting to bed. I am sure Aaron will be up coughing at some point, and I'll be a worried mama and up. I hope his cold goes away soon.

Good News I think.

I wanted to give a quick up on the job interview. It was a typical behavioural interview with two interviewers alternating asking questions and note taking. I've had done dozen of these interviews and I didn't sweat it.

I don't know where I stand, but I feel that it went well. I am not getting my hopes up, as I've done that with jobs I coveted only to be crushed.

We've decided on Aaron's daycare we both like it, and we couldn't pry him away from the toys. He cried when it was time to leave. A good sign. I'll touch more on this later. But I didn't get much sleep last night and Grey's Anatomy is on. I have my priorities.

A Quickie

I have a Halloween post in the works with lots of pictures for your viewing pleasure but blogger or my PC are being jerks and will not let me upload any pics after this first one. I don't have time to tinker with it and the pics are uploaded to the desk top not the lap top.

So the last 48 hours have been... ??? Maybe glimpse into my future. I've had two job opportunities come up. One I might have an in though a friend, the other I never expected to get a call for in my life lacking the education requirements, I applied for the hell of it and hoped my stellar cover letter delivered the goods. Which apparently it did!

Now I have to sell sell sell myself tomorrow. I didn't even have 24 hours notice for this job interview! I took the time, called a friend to see if she could watch Aaron and am going in on a hope and a prayer.

I've also have had two day cares spots become available. One we viewed today I did not care for. The other, it's good, I've viewed it when Aaron wad 13 months old but decided not to go back to work. I had him on this list since I was pregnant. SO I know it's good and holds itself to a high reputation and has excellent staff.

I was freaking out as to what to where, and the fact that my acrylic nails are half chewed off or broken look so bad. (I normally do not get acrylic but got them for my reunion.) So I got my outfit together complete with a quick trip to the mall for a new pair of black stiletto heals suitable for the office and black shrug to wear with my dress. Oh man I hope they like me and I give the right answers. Now to de nail myself.

Friday Nights

I don't know what it is about Friday nights, but Friday night seems to be my night to blog. Aaron is in bed, Eric is at buddy's place and it's just me and the cat.

This week has been interesting mix of laughter, tears and frustration on every ones part. We all had/have had colds, we're adjusting to life as a family of 3 instead of 2 and Aaron picked this week to cut his top set of two-year molars.

The frustration stems mainly from Aaron's lack of ability to express himself which comes out in a series of cries, whines and "Uh." Eric isn't aware of Aaron's cues and if we try to help in the slightest bit accomplish a task unless he asks for our help a meltdown will occur.

Aaron spent the majority of the day with me and when it's just us one on one he does much better. It's a transition having Eric home. Aaron is a little confused as we moved his car seat from my car to Eric's back to mine. He never seems sure which car he should be going in. We're running both cars for a couple of weeks and will take the insurance off of mine at the end of it's month and just use Eric's as the family car as we normally do. He has the sedan, I have the coupe.

It's funny how that is. When Eric first got to Victoria, he went car shopping. He had a car in mind and budget. He found what he wanted, fell in love and said "I'll take it!" before he made it around the block on his test drive. I am sure the salesman remembers that as the easiest sale in his career. They didn't have a 2-doors in stock so he took the 4-door. When I moved in with him in 2003 I was a little embarrassed to drive this fancy 4-door family car. It turns out, the lack of the dealership having a 2 door in stock served us well 5 years later.

When I bought my car in 2004 when I moved home as we broke up for 6 months in 2004, I car shopped for weeks or months seeking out a good deal. I didn't go for anything big or fancy, but I bought new so I'd have a warranty and not have to deal with any major repairs. Not needing anything fancy, I went with a coupe figuring I had years before I started a family. Ha! I wish the damn Blazer I'd been eyeing hadn't sold. I just finished paying off my coupe. I'll be damned if I am getting stuck with another car payment.

Both our cars have relatively low mileage and our in good condition so we intend to keep them, but we usually only one run car. I am fine taking the bus, walking or driving Eric to work if we need the car for the day. I've toyed with selling my car and buying something for equal value, but am not one hundred percent sure I am ready to part with the first car I bought myself.

So back to Aaron, he seems to be doing better now that his car seat is in my car for the time being. I wish there was a way to make the transition of Eric being home easier on Aaron, but I really don't know how to do that. On Eric's next big deployment he will be older and will hopefully understand what is going on. The next one 6-7 months long. I don't know how the hell we'll survive that.

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I never did update anybody on the MIL front. I've successfully managed to avoid her and have minimal interaction with her since July. I realize this is unhealthy, but the woman makes my blood boil. I did write her a 25 page letter in a draft form (wrote not typed, I have large writing and used a spiral note book 1/3 smaller than most) but I never sent it or followed it up.

She did apologize to me in an email. I can accept that, but she never said what she was apologizing for and I am sick of her passive aggressive treatment of me over the years and just don't want to waste any more energy on her. I sent one 3 line email back to her in response to an email about Aaron and never responded after that.

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Eric and I went downtown today and happened upon a breast cancer awareness campaign.

I am all for cancer fund raising, and awareness, but I fail to see how draping and stringing bras like streamers helps find a cure. I think the time and energy put into this would be better spent asking for donations or walking or running for the cure. It brings awareness, but what do people do once they are aware?

I'd rather donate $10 or $50 the cost of a bra to the BC Cancer Agency then donate a bra. I have no idea what they plan to do with these bras once the day is over?



On Aaron and Things...

I feel the need to blog and feel that I should give some more updates seeing I haven’t been very consistent on the blogging front. As Eric just got home and we have bene having a lot of family time I don’t want my blogging to take away from that.

Aaron is making progress daily in his speech. He’s coming right along which is encouraging. He may not be where he should be for 2.5 years of age, but I am not going to dwell on this. I am celebrating what he can do. He can say “thank-you” in the right context. He just doesn’t use it with me, just other adults he’s familiar with. Whenever someone tells me he says “thank-you” be it a friend or a daycare teacher or Sunday school teacher, my heart swells with pride followed by thought the OMG I must be doing something right as a parent!


Aarons’ primary way to communicate with me and other adults he is familiar with is to point and say in a cave man guttural tone “Uh.” It’s really annoying but that’s his way communicating. I hate it when he does this but it isn’t surprising as I did it as a toddler. Instead of meeting his demands and stop and make him say “please.” Sometimes he will say “say” and I have to repeat “please” but when prompted he will say something other than “uh.”

I also say thank-you in the right context so it’s sinking in. It sounds silly, but repetition is key. His first word was “cat” which was soon lost on and replaced with “hot.” For the longest time all he would say was “hot” to himself at random times. It became his word as I always stressed “hot” whenever he was around the stove. So far he has yet to burn himself. I’ve caught him placing pots on the stove when it’s off and I yelled at him good for that and it scared him.

Last week he figured out how to push the glass up from underneath the table in our kitchen table. He got yelled at good and a time-out for that. He did it again a few hours when I was cooking dinner (our table in our kitchen) and I stopped what I was doing and I gave him on spank on his bum. I realize there will be parents who don’t spank their kids going in an uproar over this, but I felt I needed to make a point over as it’s a dangerous situation. His spanking was followed by a time out and he has since to do it.

I was ready to dismantle the table and put in the basement that night. I called a friend in frenzy and she suggested glass adhesive which I bought the next day. I was prepared to go without a table or to buy a new (used) one until the time passed where he wouldn’t do it. So far we haven’t had to buy one nor use the glass adhesive but I think we will.

I am at the point in my parenthood journey that I can see a light at the end of the toddler tunnel. I realize that this doesn’t sound all rosy and peachy, but I am a freaking pessimist! I had no idea what I signed on for when I decided to become a parent. Neither of us did. And without family support in the same city things can be tough. I am not someone who knows how to or is super good with small children. I do my best. I realize that right now adding to my family isn’t the wisest decision for my family.

Lately, I’ve been having pangs and yearnings of babyhood. I miss breastfeeding. I can’t believe I wrote that, but I really do. I am getting excited for Liz as we go through the journey for her to add to her family. This doesn’t not mean I will for the record try to get pregnant nor would it be a welcome surprised if I were to find myself in that boat. Eric and I are looking forward to the time in the near future when Aaron will listen to us and behave somewhat in public. We long to take a family vacation together.

I don’t think I could be a good mom to a preschooler and a baby seeing how stressed out I was just with one baby. I do see how some things would be easier the second time around but I am not up to it mentally or physically.

While I am off the pill I’ve gotten myself a diaphragm. It’s a very old school method of contraception, but I really don’t mind it so far. I use in conjunction with spermicide and coitus interuptus. (Yes, that is the pull out method.)

As soon as I get my next period and get my FSH day 3 (of my period) blood test I am going back on the pill until we start our cycle because I am most comfortable on the pill for preventing pregnancy. I am glad I have the diaphragm as a back-up considering what I had to go through to get thing as you can no longer get an Rx for one in Canada or at least BC for that matter.

I had to call a pharmacy in the States to see if they would honor an Canadian prescription, get fitted for one by my doctor, have the Rx faxed in and then pick it up 2 days later when the diaphragm came special ordered from the pharmacy’s supplier. It wasn’t a big deal as I frequently cross the border to shop when I am over in Vancouver visiting. But to most people they wouldn’t bother with do to the hassle.

But I am not liked most people, if I want something and it’s attainable, I will find a way to get it or make it happen.

I have no idea how this has gone from a post on Aaron to my method of contraception so I will take this a queue to fetch Aaron from his crib because clearly he isn’t napping today.

Home

Eric his home. Aaron is talking more and more every day. He has adjusted well to Eric being home much to my surprise. I really wasn't sure how he would react. When his ship pulled up we were waiting there with all the other families, wives and girlfriends with our sign. It was just like you see on the news. The first sailor got to go on the brow and greet his wife then we all got to embark on the ship. When we met on the deck I had Aaron in my arms and I got a hug and kiss from Eric and Aaron went straight for something not safe for toddlers on a ship deck.

I was taken aback that he didn't latch on to Eric and not let him go, but he's always been one for buttons and leavers. We really haven't been apart since Eric got home. Today Eric left for a short while to do some errands and Aaron was sad and was crying a little bit and said "Bye Daddy" as he watched him drive away out the window followed by "Bye Mommy." I explained to him that I wasn't leaving. It's hard to gage his level of comprehension, but Eric has noticed a big difference in his speech since he left. He is progressing daily. I am so happy that he calls us Mommy and Daddy now.

Just yesterday, he said "I do it." When he wanted to spear his on peach with a fork. I am so pleased that he's coming along.

On the donor front of things, Mike and Liz have decided to go for a consult with the clinic here. I am thrilled by this news because the bedside manner of the clinic here is wonderful. Even Liz said with all her dealings of 3 different clinics in Vancouver she gets the best feeling so far from the clinic here. And she is super impressed that the RE there actually emails patients himself. Obviously, this means our cycle will be pushed back, but everything happens for a reason as Liz says. I hope we can get in before Christmas.

We all seem to be a little bit under the weather around here so I am going to bed for a good nights sleep.

On Counting & Donating

I wanted to touch my counting with Aaron. In no way do I expect it or push him. One day out of desperation I started counting to 10 on my fingers as I was changing his diaper as he fights me so much during diaper changes. When I got to 10 I'd tickle him and count back to one and tickle him again. It's all fun and games to him. Children learn through repetition and he is mimicking my words by saying "eight" and "ten." It also may be due to him having a friend named Aidan. "Eight" and "ten" sound like Aidan. I have no idea if he has the concept of counting, but it makes diaper changing all the more fun.

I went today to get my blood work for Fertility Clinic. Apparently I am to get over 10 viles. WTF? I thought I signed up to be an egg donor, not a blood donor. The girl told me to come back tomorrow as one needed to be done in the morning and their was no way in hell I was getting my blood drawn before dinner. I know how dizzy I'd feel after 10 viles, and their is no way in hell I'd want to deal with Aaron if it was anything like getting my nose pierced. I'll have a friend watch him so I can get my head about me before I get it done. I plan on having a big breakfast tomorrow.

Update Time

I took a hiatus from blogging while I was over in Vancouver this past week and half. I didn't want to be online much and wanted to take the time to catch up with old friends and not be tied to a PC. I was busy to say the least. I got a lot of family and friend time in, me time and sight seeing.

I went to my high school reunion and it was not too bad. Considering 25 people showed up. Pathetic, I know. Nothing crazy happened, I didn't have one drink as the drinking and driving laws in BC are the harshest in the country and it's not worth it. I drove myself as to have a means to escape should I had wanted to make an immediate departure. After I left I immediately head downtown Vancouver with a friend as to not waste a good dress, smooth legs and fake eye lashes for 25 people.

I caught up with the old BFF, we were polite. A rekindling of our friendship will not be in the works. I ended up looking like this if you were wondering.

I got my dress in the States for $15 thank-you Ross! And I got near 5 inch heals by Steve Madden for $21.99 a la Ross again. A friend did my make-up and Victoria Secret gave me back my cleavage.

There hasn't been any updates on the Aaron and the A-word front. I really do not think he is Autistic. He has started calling me "Mommy" periodically. And has said "Bye-bye Mommy" as we were inside a structure at an indoor play place and he said "Night-night Grandpa" to my dad as we were being dropped off at the pool while he parked the car. He is gaining in his speech. I am taking him to more structured orientated play groups or Strong Start which we have here in BC as opposed to our regular playgroup as the facilitator is an ECE and it gives him that much more help. Hopefully, we get his referral and he is cleared of all things A-word related or he gets a diagnosis and we can get him the help he needs.

I've been counting to 10 with him and it's all fun and games. He says "Eight" and "Ten" all the time. I am not sure if he gets it but repetition is key.

I've been honest with this with Liz, my donor recipient. She believes me when I say I don't think anything is wrong with Aaron. Despite, this she wants to continue on with an IVF cycle so we have a date set with Fertiltiy Clinic in early November for a consult and psych eval. I might even be able to get into an injection class all in the same day. I don't want to proceed with a cycle until Aaron is assessed but if we don't sooner we won't get in before Christmas. It's her call, but I don't know if it's the right one. I know my son's speech is delayed. That I know. It really isn't a huge issue to me as all kids develop at different rates and I see progress almost every day. It's more at the urging of the speech therapist. And it can't hurt.

Eric is home in 4 days and I can't wait. It also means there is a butt load of cleaning to be done. So I may or may not be blogging this week.

A Letter to Donor Nurse

This an email I have written to Donor Nurse. I am not sure if it's appropriate that I send it. Thoughts?

Hello Donor Nurse:


I want to take a moment to write to you about the AFC test. To my understanding the reason why I went off the pill was to get an accurate AFC at mine and Liz's request. I did my research through your clinic and and another RE and the answer I came to the best time to get an accurate AFC was the beginning of my cycle after getting a period on my own sometime between days 2-4 to 3-8. When you and I had talked you had made an appointment to get an AFC done as I would happen to be in Vancouver. I told you at the time that I come over here often for personal reasons and could accommodate Fertility Centre on my cycle. You said on the phone that I could always get another one if happened to be in town and the timing was right. I am in Vancouver of my own accord and I have my period.


I feel let down and disappointed by Fertility Centre as I feel that I got false information. This would've suited me better to have an AFC now than then. Had I known I would've been denied an AFC when the proper time came around, I never would've gone off the pill until closer to our cycle. Liz and I have been honest and communicate things to yourself and Fertility Centre Had we not had to wait on my partners blood work, this cycle could've been done and we would've been on our way.

I feel Dr. RE deciding on my drug dosage based on an AFC done at a time when my body didn't have the time produce follicles on its own without being on the pill for a month is what is not in my best interest as a patient. For all we know I may need a lower dosage which is less stress on my body and a lower cost to Liz and Mike.

-S. 

Boobies

I wanted to do a post on the lighter side of things today. To take a break from the A word. I really do not believe that Aaron is Autistic. I think I am letting health care professionals get the better of me. He had a doctor's appointment yesterday for an unrelated issue and even she was surprised. His speech is delayed, that I know for sure and I have to tools and means to work on that with him. Until he has an assessment I am not going to dwell on things.

Lately, I've been thinking about boobs. Not just any but mine. Specifically what they were before pregnancy and breast feeding. I miss them. I think this is a good example of not realizing what you've got till it's gone. I was going through a folder of pictures taken with Eric's cell phone (yes this is a testament to how she took this pic probably without my knowing it. But he's looking at mine and that's all that matters) and I came across this:

Yes, those were mine. That would be breastfeeding boobies. I can't believe those were mine. There and half months into it. I just can't get over it. 

This is a before pic.

And here is an after pic.

That's what 17 months of breast feeding will do to you. It's not a pretty picture. ( I wouldn't give up breastfeeding Aaron for the world. I just miss my before boobs.)

The A Word

I want to bang out a quick post before Aaron wakes up. It’s 8:10am and he’s still sleeping. I didn’t sleep well last night. I tossed and turned for many reason or a combo of reasons. Yesterday, Aaron had a follow up speech assessment. He’s been in speech therapy before. I honestly think he didn’t need it. Being enrolled at 21 months seems a bit extreme, but hell it never hurt anybody. All it was the ST teaching me ways to encourage his language development through play and every day things.


Yesterday, was a bit different. His ST said she wanted to send him for an autism referral. My jaw didn’t
drop. This had come up before and I dismissed as health care professionals overreacting. I’ve always dismissed he language delay to him being a boy and kids developing at their own pace. There are other things he does so well.


I can hear him waking so this can’t be long. As his mother, I am wondering if I have been in denial all along? He talks. He has words, he uses them in the right context. But there are little things that he doesn’t do.



When he is very engrossed in an activity, and we call his name, he will out right ignore us unless we shout is name. he also can’t answer yes or no to a question or shake his head yes or no. And he doesn’t always make eye contact when communicating with people. I wonder if this is something I’ve done by anticipating his needs? He also doesn’t call me “mommy” or “mama” or Eric “daddy” or “dada.”


It’s the little things. This will sound so cliché and somehow I wonder if I’ve failed him as a mother. I know I haven’t but I can be doing more. Last night I stayed up reading a text book that I never returned from an Early Language stimulation course I took last year. I used to feel guilty about losing it and not returning it, buy hey everything happens for a reason right?


The kicker is Liz. After I emailed Eric to tell him. I had to email Liz. I feel so bad. She must feel like fate is playing a cruel joke on her. She’s so close to having an egg donor then fate drops this bomb on her. But I guess it’s better than us having already gone through a cycle then her being pregnant me dropping that bomb on her. This is what’s keeping me awake. If hope Aaron if cleared of this so we can proceed with a cycle.


I don’t think that Aaron is autistic, but there is so a broad range on the spectrum. God how I know hate that
word. Spectrum. Such an ugly word. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard this word in the last 24 hours.


I’ve refrained from googling “Autism.” So far I’ve been good. But it wouldn’t surprises me if he had some form of it due to fate playing a cruel joke on us. Days before I found out I was pregnant Eric and I were vacationing back east and were visiting his grand parents and we were watching an episode of Oprah dedicated to autism. Eric said something to the effect I hope our kid doesn’t have it.


I am going to love my little boy and do I everything I can do to get his speech up while we wait.

Oct 4, 2010

I saw a story on the news tonight that had me fuming. I actually cursed the news caster. It's not his fault; he just happens to be the bearer of bad news. The gist of it is that Canadian pediatricians are calling for a rotavirus vaccine for babies. 500-600 babies are hospitalized for rotavirus annually. Guess who was one of those babies in 2009? Mine. Aaron was hospitalized due to dehydration. I also didn't know that I could feed him Pedialite in a syringe because nobody told me!

Aaron at one day old. (I just found this in an old file)

This angers me so much because nobody ever told me what the hell it was or that there was vaccine for it. Had I known, I would've gotten it for him. Seeing my baby in the hospital like that was heart breaking as I didn't know what to do. But really whose responsibility is it to educate new parents? Our health system? The hospital? Ourselves? I thought I knew childhood illnesses pretty well. Ear infections, cold/flu, chicken pox, measles. I know I am missing a lot of common ones.

I wish I had had the foresight to read a book on childhood illnesses or vaccines. I took a prenatal class; I went to Baby Talk at my local health unit. It never came up. I didn't know until I had Aaron at the walk-in clinic.

If I ever have another baby, you bet s/he will be getting vaccinated for rotavirus.

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Gah in one and a half weeks time I have my high school reunion. I wasn't popular in high school, but I wasn't bullied either. I had a few good friends which got me through. I didn't fair to well in elementary school or junior high. I was teased and bullied, which I believe was due to my not being socialized as a young child. I never learned basic social skills from a young age and for some reason I always craved the approval of others.

My going to my reunion is more about proving a point. Or settling a score if you will. My former BFF and I had a falling out shortly after I moved in with Eric the first time in 2003. It was silly really, but our friendship never recovered. I tried to make amends a year later but it was ignored. I am not sure what the score is, but I still have my youngish looks and a confidence I never possessed back then.

A lot people aren't going, but I will be out of curiosity more than anything. The 2 things that suck is that one I don’t' have a date as Eric is deployed and two I've no one to go with as my friend who said she would go is selling me out. So I am doing this solo. I am nuts.

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Eric was in Ecuador recently. He has had some stories to tell me. Some I'd care not to know about. But he tells me none the less. I am not sure if your up on recent world events but this past week there was coup attempt in Ecuador.  A week before this happened, Eric was there. The city which they were visiting (which I can't remember the name for the life of me) is in complete chaos and in a state of looting and lawlessness. I can't believe he missed that by a week. Thank God. This was the first time a Canadian navel ship has had a port visit to Ecuador since 1989 because of it's political of unstableness.

Here is an excerpt from one of his emails:

Its not really a bus more than a 15 passenger van. I was up front next to the driver and there was no seat belt. Lets just say that this was the most scariest ride of my life. We are driving in mountains in Guatemala at night, when there are landslides that washed out sections of the road, we hit two dogs [Which were already dead] on the way home which was loud as fuck, and the rain was so bad that it washed out our side of the highway and twice our driver "Victor" switched to the opposite side of the highway driving into oncoming traffic at night in fog in the rain, because our side of the hwy was washed out. I was freaked out by that a bit, but he drove slowest. Like 60kmh instead of the 120kmh he was booking it normally. It was worse than any driving I've ever done over the coquhalla or the Rockies. But we got back to the boat fine and we had a fun time. We might go back to the cruise ship bar tonight for an hour or two. This email doesn't even begin to really describe my experiences. I didn't want to email you about them I wanted to call you tonight cause I thought I had new time, but I only had 90 seconds.

He will be home in 19 days.

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Things are still moving forward on the egg donation front. I have some blood work to get done and the initial consult. Not much will be done until Eric is back.