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This marks my 230th post on this blog tonight. I also had my 430th tweet. I sometimes wonder how many posts I lost on my old blog when I let the domain expire. Ce La Vie.

So a lot is going on and nothing at the same time. I have so many things floating around in my brain at the moment. I will think of awesome posts through out the day when I am at work and then lose them when I get home. There is the daycare issue, finding place, moving out, the challenges of parenting an autistic child. Sometimes it seems the older Aaron gets the more "autistic" he gets. But that is another post for another day.

I looked at two places tonight for Aaron and I. I want a 2 bedroom preferably with in-suite or shared laundry and a full bath tub. Not just a shower stall.

What I viewed tonight I thought were 2 bedrooms. Such a waste of my time. The first place I viewed was "1 bedroom and a den". To me a definition of a den is a small room suitable for an office or nook or toddler. It lacks a closet. The "den" I saw in the first place was a living room that could be used as a den. I figured it would have a bedroom, living room kitchen and smaller room suitable for Aaron. Yeah, no dice.

The second place was actually a 2 bedroom. With a kitchen an no living room. I don't think so.

I don't understand while rentals are so freaking expensive here. Some basement suites run $1200! WTF? Hell in Metro Vancouver I could at get a nice 2 bedroom basement suite for $875. I've seen 3 bedrooms on the top floor of a house for $900. Sometimes I really hate it here. It's amazing what difference 50 km and and island will make.

I didn't want this post to be whiny. Some how it has. I am all dried up for good material. I wanted to do a post about music. I listen to it all day long at work. I get right into it. Shit. You know what I just typed Reba has been texting me. (My dad had been  texting me and I had been relaying this info to Eric.) When I meant to type, Reba has been a favorite as of late. I go on to Groove Shark search an artist and select all their songs and rock out all day long.

A few others I have been listening to, Michael Jackson, Janet, Madonna, Will Smith (Summertime takes me back to my youth), Trace Adkins (as if that is any surprise) Conway Twitty, Loretta Lynn, Keith Anderson (I love XXL), Blake Shelton,  Easton Corbin, Aerosmith, The Clash, The Cure, Nirvana, Blind Melon. As you can see my music tastes vary greatly. I still love me my country music first and foremost. So much so I think my girl Kit Kat and I will be hitting out favourite Honky Tonk on NYE.

I should be going to bed. I didn't get to bed till midnight last night as I decided to go to the gym and go for a swim.G'night.
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Just Wasn’t Feeling It

So the no posting for the last month or so? I just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t know what to write or how to write it. I was feeling very Blah.

Eric and I are still living as roommates and parenting as we always have. The plan is to get my own place in the New year.

I have a new job. Yay! I’ve only been there just shy of a week but I really like the place and the staff. I am back to doing something I know and love. Call center and email support. The product is something that I am not so familiar with but I am learning it fast I love love love it! The job is part time which I hope is a nice balance between staying at home with Aaron.



*****

So I wrote that a few days ago. Which I have been meaning to post. I am sick with body aches and pains and a phlegmy cough. I feel nauseous at times due to sinus pain. Weee.

I have a very big case of the Blahs being sick. I am still going to work as I have a sit down job. My hob isn’t mentally or physically challenging so I might as well go. I want to get back into blogging. I miss this place. I may get yet another domain. I am thinking of one, I just haven’t jumped on it yet.

I have looked at one place for Aaron and I. It would’ve been perfect, but the landlord didn’t go with us alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

We also need to find a new daycare as their hours have changed. We found one that would’ve been the right fit except I could smell traces of smoke it in that filter from the upstairs as it’s in the basement of a house. That is a no go.

******

In March I am going to see Blake Shelton in Seattle! I am so stoked for this. It’s something I am really looking forward to. I’ve loved his music ever since I heard Austin in 2001. He is hosting a cruise in October, but I think going is a little far fetched to go given that the cost of the cruise doesn’t include getting there. I will have to be happy with going to his concert.

My sick and tired butt is going to bed.

Stuff

I have a lot of crap going thru my mind at the moment. I don't know where to begin or what to say. I feel like the world's biggest bitch for breaking up with Eric. Let's not forget I broke up with him while he was deployed in a war zone. Apparently, I was his rock keeping him sane with at sea. So yeah bitch right here.


I don't want to go off on a rant how he is an asshole or a dead beat. He isn't either. He has asshole tendencies as do most people just as I have bitch tendencies. When he came yesterday I literally recoiled from him and didn't want him near me. As mid email to him about how i felt suffocated by him from keeping up normal appearances on Facebook.

I have his family on my facebook and he hasn't told them yet. I've told my friends and he has told a few of his friends but so far mums the word to his family. I guess he needed me to say what I needed to say in person before he accepted it.

It's weird having him home. Living in the same place. We are sleeping in separate rooms. But I want to be staying in separate places. He's offered to stay in barracks, but I can't have him not in his own home for my breaking up with him. My 2 friends that I can stay with or either super sick or have just had their man come back from a deployment. I don't want to intrude.

So at the moment were still parenting and eating meals together. Which I wanted to avoid as it's a semblance or normalcy without physical contact.

I don't have a job at the moment. Woot. Woot. I am starting single momdom off on a good note. Eric has leave so the plan is to take whatever job I get and save some $. He wants me to start off right on my feet. So there is a non asshole trait.

I am on the ferry at the moment. I am going over to see my girls for the night to try to out some perspective and what to do. I hope chili and movies helps on this miserable night of wind and rain.

Expect the Unexpected

A good life lesson to learn folks Eric showed up at home this morning without warning.


There is lots to deal with sooner than I expected. But it doesn't surpirse me. I had a moment of panic at 6am and had the thought to be better prepared for his arrival 2 hours later he is home. My sixth sense was spot on.

I am too emotionally drained to get into the nitty gritty at the moment. But the poop is hitting the fan.

HELP!

The first step to in addressing an addiction is to admit to it right? I have some addmissions to make here.

I think I may be addicted to social media. And not just any social media, but Facebook.

It all started  when I got a smart phone a few weeks ago. Facebook is right there. On my phone. And I have a camera. See a funny photo op? Take it. Upload to Facebook mobile, insert witty caption done. Right? ...

Nope. Must see who is online. Check my notifications, newsfeed and Bobby Jo's profile. Oh wait, now I have to check my comments on my photo and Cheryl's profile. Did she upload anything in her mobile albums?

This is getting bad people.

I went to Wal-Mart tonight and left my phone at home on purpose and kicked myself as I missed the perfect Peopleofwalmart.com photo op. Oh Well.

I am also addicted to Pepperidge Farm Gold Fish Crackers. That is an addiction I don't have a hope in hell kicking.

I'm The Douche That Left Without a Good Reason

That's how I am feeling right about now. On the surface I don't really have a good reason to justify leaving Eric do I? I don't love him. Is that enough of a reason?

The fact that we have Aaron together is that enough of a reason to stay? To some people it is. When you see old acquaintances and tell the you've ended things, I guess you need to have a reason to justify it. I get the "you chose to have a child, therefore you owe it to your child to stay."

It doesn't matter that I haven't been happy for some time. That we go about our day-to-day life in the same pattern. That I am unhappy. Have anger issues and am a little depressed?

I am just very unsure. I have been for sometime. If I loved him I'd know right? Sometimes I wonder if we got back together back in 2004 after our 6 month break due to the habit of each other. When we got back together, oddly enough I was the other girl. He was seeing someone and was happy then I came bouncing back. He said ultimately it wouldn't have lasted as she never wanted to have kids and that was a deal breaker for him.

Who knows. I have a lot anger and resentment in my life that I have to deal with. Some of it is directed at Eric some of it's not. But really what do I have to be angry about? He provides for me, I have financial stability and a common-law husband who loves his son. There is now abuse. Some women would kill for this. And call me nuts. I sometimes think I am.

I am choosing the path of single parent without a job. Good job S. (The job didn't last and it wasn't ideal only making $40/day after daycare was paid for. And that's what I have to pay my chiropractor per session to work on my back due to sitting in a bad position for 4 days)

I somehow have this need to live on my own, pay my own rent and bills while sharing custody with Eric. I've never lived on my own or provided her myself and have always felt like I should learn to be a grown up at some point.

This is a verbal diarrhea of a girl who ended a relationship while her man was deployed. Douche I am.

On Goings

There has been lots going on here. I don't know where to start. Eric and I are no longer together. As of a week now.

I pulled the plug. I just couldn't stay in the relationship any more. I have lots I want to say, but not sure what to say. He is the only one of my real life people that knows of this place. He says he doesn't read here as he feels as though he is invading my space but all bets are off when a relationship ends.

I am a douche who broke up with him while he was deployed. I just felt I coudn't live a lie anymore. I am not in love with him. We've haven't been great for years. We putter a long. Have issues, sometimes we deal with them and sometimes they get put on the back burner until the next issue creeps up.

I can't say anything bad or call him all sorts of names. There is no abuse or anything life altering. We've had our share of fights and douchbaggery but that's about it.

He gets home in 3 months. Or that was the plan, now he wants to come home to try to work on us and see Aaron. I really don't have anything to say or that I want to hear. In the past when I've tried to end things he's convinced me to stay so Aaron has a better life style and so that we don't have to liv in low income housing.

My plan is to save from my job and get our own place and stay here. I don't want to move back to Vancouver if I can help it. I want Eric to be a constant part in Aaron's life and my living here is really the only way I can see that happening. I don't know what future holds for us. I just hope I can pull on my big girl panties and make enough to pay rent and put food on the table.

Yes there will be some form of child support but as the plan is 50/50 I don't think nor want much.

I'm Baaacccck

I didn't get any good blogging time in whilst on my trip. A trip that was suppose to take me to Winnipeg but unfortunately only tool me as far as Calgary.


A certain job had me come back early. A job I was told that would be starting tomorrow. So I scaled my trip back a week. When I was heading to the ferry on Friday, I got a call confirming my start date of Oct. 24th. Of course I asked the recruiter "What the hell?" How did this happen?

Ugh. I was half way there with Aaron and the cat in tow. But I turned around and stuck around Vancouver for the weekend.

Aaron and I came home today. I am kind of stoked to play stay-at-home-mom for the week before working full-time for two weeks. After my training, I work 2 days per week. This suits me fine.


As for the MIL and I, things aren't too bad. Were polite with each other and I stayed two nights at the in-laws. I didn't care to over stay my welcome and they got lots of time in with Aaron.


I really want to blog, but I am so freaking tired I just want to go to bed before 10pm for once.

Ripping the Band-Aid Off

So, it finally happened the MIL and I have crossed paths again. My two long term readers know what happened the last time I was in her presence.

Nothing ever was resolved. I just ignored her emails and didn't talk to her on the phone for 9 months until I absolutely had too when Eric flew up with Aaron and I had to give her some last min instructions.

It wasn't too bad considering I had a panic/anxiety attack before leaving my dad's the other day. I do have General Anxiety Disorder but never have attacks. I was trying to find a doctor to get some of the good drugs in the form of Xanax or Ativan but my provinces health care system failed me in Interior BC  (due to lack of doctors available at a walk-in clinic) and I am doing so without. (I've got a post for the how I feel the health care system is failing us, but that's for another time.)

This time we are staying a hotel. Much more preferable. Aaron and I are on our road trip which may or may not take us to Winnipeg. It depends if I start a new job on the 17th.

I didn't got searching for it, it found me. And the best part is it's only two days per week. Perfect for me as I really just want to stay at home with Aaron, but enough to get me out of the house and to contribute a wee bit to our income. Aaron's daycare is flexible so it's a win-win.

I want to hash out some of my thoughts on the MIL front but we have been on the road awhile and I want to crash.

Night.

I'm In Lust!

It's been soooo long since I've blogged. I've every intention of getting caught up this week.

Now that I am a SAHM again, I will have more time to do things. Such as blog. I got a week start on the SAHM gig as Aaron contracted Hand Foot and Mouth Disease and wasn't able to go to daycare.

Aaron and I are hanging out over at my dad's at the moment before we embark on a road trip that will have us travel cross three provinces.

Today Aaron and I went to visit my mom, brother and step dad. We don't usually get a visit in when were here as it is an hour drive one way. My mom never makes the drive to see us, but today we went out for my brothers birthday.

It might as well have been my birthday. Because I got to drive a Nissan 350 Z!

I tried to upload a personal  pic, but blogger was having none of it.

This car, this car is something else. I had her at at leas 180 KPH. (111 MPH.)

Yowza! My step dad finally let me take his baby for a spin and OMG I'm in love.



This isn't the actual car but the same damn model. Holy crap! The experience I had driving this 6 speed manual transmission car at the speeds can not be described adequately with words.

I am in lust.

More posts coming soon to this blog near you.

No Go To A Daycare

This is the words that have been coming out of my beloved son's mouth for the last few weeks. Last Friday I switched his daycare mid day without nary a thought.

Never, have I ever been so cavalier about his childcare in my life.

He only had 2 weeks left at his old daycare, but I was fed up and made the switch. They're had been many changes at his daycare in the past 2 weeks. In 1 - 2 weeks 3 of his favourite teachers left, transferred or had quit.

The straw the broke the camels back was when I walked in and some staff member was covering from another location. I had never seen her or talked to her in my son's life. There wasn't one staff member there to greet us that I knew.

They let his would be support worker go without notice. A day before she was to start with him. This didn't sit well with me.

A few of the staff that know loved him went to a new daycare centre. We went, we liked and we enrolled 3 days later.

He's been there a day and half and I notice a difference in him. He is happy, he is interacting with the other children and I have never seen him do that at his old daycare. The children aren't high strung and I don't hear curse words coming out of his mouth.

 I knew this was the right choice when I picked him up on his final day and as I was putting him in his car seat and my three year old with limited verbal skills said "Damn it" with a smile on his face. Not knowing what it means.

He said when he woke up today "No go to a daycare" as he has every day for the last 2 weeks.

When I dropped him off this morning he happily said "back to a preschool."

Preschool is what we call new daycare as he will be attending preschool there.

RETURNED HOME

I know what today is and what it signifies. I woke up at 5:38am to pee and realized it was probably 10 years down to the hour of 9-11 and I said a silent prayer for the families of the victims of 9-11.

It's also a day to celebrate for one family. The little boy Kienan Herbert was returned home today!

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/TopStories/20110911/missing-bc-boy-found-safe-110911/

I have been praying for a his safe return. As parent with a three year old son this just hits home for me God is good.

AMBER ALERT

I wasn't going to post tonight, but I saw this Amber Alert on Facebook and I had to to my part.

An amber alert has been issued for a 3 Year Old Sparwood, BC (British Columbia, Canada) boy today.

As per the RCMP, Kienan Hebert may be in the company with 46-year-old Randall Hopley, who drives a 1987 brown Toyota Camry with the B.C. licence plate 098RAL.

Details are from http://calgary.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110907/cgy_amber_alert_110907/20110907?hub=Calgary

Please blog, tweet, facebook and text this as it may save the little boys life.

Did You Know

* That quinoa has 160 calaries per 1/4 of a cup?! I got me some and whipped it up and started to eat it and then read the box. I thought it was suppose to be some kind of super food? That means if I had one cup of quinoa for breakfast that I have had 640 calories! I don't count calories or anything like that but jeez that seems like a lot of food in one sitting considering I think an average person should be eating somewhere from 1500-2000 calories a day.

* That I hate typing on lap tops but here I am writing a post from one.

* I have not time for such things as blogging being a full time working single mom? I don't know how real single moms do it. I don't hats off to you guys.

* It has been 8 weeks since Eric left.

* In 25 days time I will be a stay at home mom again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My contract at work wasn't renewed do to budget cuts. I am okay with this as this allows me to be at home with Aaron. I gave notice to his daycare and I will be putting him in pre school some in October or November.

*Come Oct 1 we're in that car on our way to the Mainland and beyond. We will be going on a road trip to Calgary for sure we may even go as far as Winnipeg. My BFF and his wife moved there and I want to see them and the city. I've family there I've never met. It's where my paternal grandparents met and I want to see the city and where they grew up

* I'll be getting a new tattoo soon, but I won't be able to post it in the blog as it is Aaron's name (real name) I will be getting it on my the lower left side of my stomach. I still can't venture to somewhere that isn't easily hidden for professional reasons. It's my view of myself. I don't care if others put tattoos in placed not easily covered up.

* I regret not buying a long range water gun when I saw them on sale at the beginning of the summer as there is a cat that thinks he owns the neighbourhood and gets into a fight with my cat almost nightly. Chasing him with a broom hasn't gotten the message across that he just isn't welcome in our yard.

* Some days I feel I don't have a handle on parenting an autistic child when something so little as cracking an egg into a bowel while baking Aaron would set him off for 2 days. Yesterday I did so, and he screamed "no put egg in" and promptly burst into tears. Today he is still saying "no put egg in""at random. I guess I didn't prepare him for it.

* We skipped a fair we were going to go today as I just wasn't up to him freaking out over the littlest things. I have a throbbing sinus infection and the pressure is so bad that feeling like I want to throw up all the time isn\t a good combo with Aaron having meltdowns. I was feeling at the end of my rope so I asked a friend to watch him for a couple of hours. It did us both good and allowed me to go shopping.

* I bought some boots I shouldn't have but, I love love love them and have been looking for a pair like this since last year.

I also bought Aaron 6 long sleeve t-shirts, 2 hoodies and 4 pairs of socks at Old Navy. I did some retail therapy today.

The stripped shirt is pour moi.

* If I could divorce my sinuses, I would.

When Was The Last Time?

The last time you bought a CD? I do. It was 4 years and 2 months ago. Only 2 days ago that is. I only remember because I bought 2 CD's at Wal-Mart in Port Angeles on my way down to Portland to meet up with Eric for Fleet Week. (This weekend will always stand out in my mind as it was the weekend that we decided that I would go off the pill and we would start trying to conceive.)

I bought 2 Cd's on that trip. One I can't remember for the life of me. The other was Trace Adkins Dangerous Man. That CD has lived in my car for the last 4 years. I don't know what it is about him and his music but I just love him. Swing really just puts me in a good mood and gets me upbeat. I love driving down the highway blasting his music.

Two days ago I bought my first CD in 4 years. I bought Trace Adkins Proud to Be Here. Wow. I can relate to the lyrics to most of the songs on this album. I don't know what it is about him but he seems to be on every TV show I randomly throw on or on the radio co-hosting something or another.

I can't really articulate what I want to say about Trace Adkins and what his music really means to me. I've been trying to write this post for 2 days now this is the only time I have had to sit down and write this. I have been busy, busy busy.

My most important role during Eric's deployment being the sole parent is to be there for Aaron and to address his needs/tantrums/OCD as they come and to remain calm. Parenting an autistic child certainly presents it's challenges. Most days are okay, but some days he will just get something in this head and will not let it go. And I need to remain calm as to not add fuel to his fire.

Shortly after Eric left I had to go on Zoloft. I was losing patience with Aaron and it wasn't fare to him. I've had to wean myself off of it as I started to feel tingling my arms and legs on 3 different occasions and I dont' like it.

So that's why I haven't posting much or at all.

So back to Trace Adkins. I loved his show so much I am contemplating going to see him again on September 23rd. This time I will get better seats if I do. I am bummed that I missed out on seeing Blake Shelton. I only found out the day of that he was playing near Seattle and I didn't have the time to make childcare arrangements for Aaron and to make the drive from Metro Vancouver to Seattle. Ugh. I would love to see him. i just love his music too. My favourite song by far is Hill Billy Bone with Trace Adkins. Aaron loves this song and he used to call it the Yee Ha song.

I was able to get that close to Trace to snap this pic. Unfortunately, I was not very familiar with my friend's camera and didn't get a better shot.

Trace Adkins zoomed in from our seats.

A Little of This and a Little of That

Yeah so about that blogging… it aint a happening much. Something had to go when I became the only parent with a full time job in the process. So blogging. Sadly isn’t up there at this time. Eric has been gone a month.
Only 6 months of this deployment left!


Ha! Six months? Will I survive – Yes. Mentally in tact? That remains to be seen. Aaron has had his ups and downs. It breaks my heart when he asks for Eric and I can’t do anything about it. The other day I put him on the phone with my dad and he started to cry “Find Daddy” over and over. I broke my heart.


I am still trying to decide if Eric should come home for 10 days or we should meet him in Europe somewhere? I really don’t know. On the one hand, I’ve never been to Europe on the other I have to fly there with a toddler. One mom told me that her husband isn’t coming home as it just disrupts the kids’ routine and then he leaves and it is another transition. I think that it would be good for Aaron to see Eric and if it were in Europe, no routine would be disrupted.
-------

So I have been having pangs. Pangs for second child. Not good. I flip flop ALL the time about a second. On one hand I miss the whole baby stage and the breastfeeding and I want Aaron to have a friend for life. On the other I really bad post partum depression and didn’t handle motherhood well and I don’t deal with stress well and I don’t want to take the chance of having another child on the spectrum.


Eric is undecided too. Obviously, nothing will happen on this deployment. But the want is still there. However, that isn’t enough of reason to have one as far as I am concerned. I was told by fertility doctor that if I wanted a second child sooner was better than later. This was found out when I was going to be an egg donor. As I had low FSH and low AFC counts it was decided to not proceed with a cycle.
I’ve also had thoughts of being a surrogate, but haven’t put myself out there as that would be a really big commitment. So I am rambling.


I am off tomorrow for a week! Woot! You know what this means. VANCOUVER. I have to go into work tomorrow to apply for a job posted internally as it will have closed when I return. Then I am Vancouver bound. The highlight of my week will be going to see Trace Adkins on Tuesday. I can’t WAIT! It’s going to be good night. Time to clean up a bit and flip loads.

3 Year Old Wanders From Daycare

How the hell does this happen?

http://www.ctvbc.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110721/bc_daycare_escape_110721/20110721/?hub=BritishColumbiaHome

I shit you not, I interviewed this daycare and we got bad vibes from it and that was the end of that.
Here is the a quote from the post in case you don't want to click the link.

 The day care we viewed on Wednesday gave me a bad feeling from the start. We were early for our appointment, I found the staff to be rude, and nobody bothered to introduced themselves while we waited for the lady who was giving us the tour. I've walked up to day cares without an appointment to get warm greetings from staff and a tour. Aaron wanted to leave right away and went straight for the door. He ended up having a tantrum of all tantrums and Eric had to take him out so I could finish the tour on my own. I may have had some preconceived notions based on some feedback I had gotten, but I really tried to go in with an open mind. I just got a bad feeling all around. The toys were put away and brought out throughout the day, and I really didn't care for that. The space was huge, but isn't the size that counts. It's how they use it. Even for day cares.

I Gotta Give You Something

I mean to post I do, but life sometimes gets in the way.

- Eric's ship completely bi passed Dora by going around it.

- I love my new dress. I wear it all the time.

- I really dislike my new neighbours noise levels. Living a really old duplex will do that.

- I must curb mys pending so Eric and I can have a decent down payment for a place to call our own where we own our own walls

- I was in Vancouver this past weekend and had blast. The West Coast finally had some weather worthy of being called summer and the girls and I basked in it.

- Something is amiss with Aaron, I just can't pin point it. It started before Eric left so I don't think his departure is the underlying issue. I have had him at the doctor's, emergency and back to the doctors. Based on the way he has been sleeping too much I took him for some blood work. I really hope I am over worrying and it's nothing but a virus or growth spurt

-I'm pretty beat. Need to go to bed soon. It's not even 9pm and I will be asking my neighbours to turn down their music.

I'm old.

Worry Much?

Note to self. Reading the news before bed, not a good idea.

I just read that Tropical Storm Dora is now Hurricane Dora.

Eric's ship is heading  in the general area of said hurricane en route to where they need to go.

How much do I need to be worried?

Did You Know...

That stress is related to cold sores?? I didn't but it all makes sense with Eric's departure this past week. I felt them coming on at the corners of my mouth this week. Usually I pop some Carmex on them and it stops them. Unfortunately, I was out of Carmex and they festered into cold sores. I am lucky they are not
big and unsightly and only I realize that they are there. But they hurt.

Naturally I googled "remedies for cold sores" and happened upon this sight. Some of the suggestions are out there. I have tried rubbing alcohol and nail polish remover to dry the suckers out. I do not recommend this. One of the commenter's went so far as to suggest ear wax as a home remedy. I wonder why someone would to try that...

I am now considering picking up some tea tree oil or witch hazel. TTO is good for just about anything so I might as well get some. I still have tea bags to try. I've read that Abreva doesn't work as well as some home remedies.

If only I had not lost my damn Carmex. And so you know, I use a Q-Tip when apply the rubbing alcohol and nail polish remover. I am not double dipping.

So stress ='s cold sores.

-----

I miss Eric. I am still adjusting to life without him. What I hate and miss the most is when I do the laundry. When I do just when he leaves his stuff is still in it which makes me miss him. Eventually it is only out stuff unless of course it's his t-shirts which I prefer to sleep in.

I hate this. I don't want to get all weepy here. I've been holding myself together pretty well these past few days.

I best be getting back to my laundry and second glass of wine.

Night all.

Oh and in case your wondering,   I did buy the dress. Pics to follow soon.  mailto:http://fortheluvovblog.blogspot.com/2011/07/to-buy-or-not-to-buy.html

To Buy or Not To Buy?

It has been an emotional week to say the least as Aaron and I as we adjust to life without Eric. Their have been many tears and sleepless nights. At the moment I am okay. That can change in a heartbeat, but at the moment I doing okay.

I paid someone to clean the house as I just couldn't keep up. We didn't worry about cleaning his last weekend here and tried to get in as much quality family time as possible.

I have a baby sitter for tomorrow evening. I am good. For now.

Now on a lighter note.

I have  been eyeing this dress at a downtown boutique. I am not sure if I should buy it or not.

It's on sale at 30% off. It regularly goes for $90. After tax it's $69. That's very pricey for a flimsy piece of fabric.I normally wouldn't shell out so much for a sundress. But. Of course there is but. It fits me well. I can dress it up or down. I can where a an open cardigan and flats and it's good for work. I can wear it with or without tights. It works with flip flops. And I kind of really like it.

This is where you my few readers come in. Should I buy it or not?

Kinda Losing It

It probably isn't a good idea to blog while in between bouts of crying - but I don't know what else to do. When I need to, the blog is here for me to get it all out.

He left. And I am taking it pretty hard. The stupid ship had mechanical delays which delayed Eric's departure by 4 hours. You'd think it's a good thing to get in a few more hours but throw in a cranky toddler whose nap was all screwed up it makes for a crappy good-bye. Aaron and I did go down to the jetty but left before the ship set sail as the sailing ship would've traumtised him. If his reaction to one of us being whisked away on a sea doo or boat is any indicator we know better.

I feel like I was denied a proper good-bye as my damn cell phone died as Eric called me to tell me details of where they would be sailing. He called me again (I came home and threw it on the charger) as we were watching them sail away from a look out spot but I didn't answer the phone in time and he didn't answer when I called him back.

I am taking this really hard. And will be crying a lot. I am trying not to in front of Aaron as to not upset him. I really don't know how the hell I am going to get through this. I just want to go home.

In My Backyard

A View from my bedroom window. It's a crappy picture with my cell phone camera but if you look between the two trees there are 2 deer. A lovely sight which is common in my backyard, but I hate cleaning up their poop.

early

I don't think this post will find it's way to you this morning. Mt lap top is running at 6%. I knew I'd be an hour early for work so I grabbed my lap top to sit in Starbuck's and catch up before going to work.

To say that I've been busy and emotionally overwhelmed, would be an undersatement. While I am getting used to the idea of Eric's impending departure, the idea is so surreal as to how soon it wil actucally happen. Aaron is my main concern. He has gotten super used to Eric and some days even prefers him to me. I don't how this deployment will effect him.

One thing I am not sure about is if I should take him down when Eric's ship set sail or not. I want to see it and want to support it, but it may be traumatizing to see a big warship whisk his daddy away. My first instinct when Eric leaves is to go running back to Vancouver and stay at my father's where I have an opened ended invitation (unless he has oiusequests, which he tells me before weeks in advance) and and suround my self with my Vancouver friends and immersee myself  in family, social and kids activities. There usually is never dull moment over there. Unike here. I have friends here, but the roots just aren't the same as home.

Most people in the military lifestyle make friends at their postings. I have made a few but they always move or were the gossip queens that like to cause drama and those friendships only last a season when a person's true colours come out and those are the type of women I prefer to not be friend's with or get sucked up in their drama.

I think living not too far from home I've been able to maintian friendships that normally would've fizzled. This has helped me and hurt me. If I we were at a base n the otherside of the country, Id be force to make new friends an dplan roots.

T'hings are different as I have a fulltime decent job. This means that as I am working so much, there is no time to spend money due to being tied down to work that we shoul be abe to save money for a down payment rightt? .... Ack we shall see.

I want to buy some camping gear and whisk Aaron away on the weekends getting to know this beautiful Island we live in on. If I can get my shit together and my house organized and meals planned, I should be able to go away on the weekend and come back and have stories to tell and memories to build in Arron's brain.

We shall see how this goes.  As only time will tell.

Just The Two of Us

It’s something I had better get used to and quick. Come in about two weeks time it’s just going to be Aaron and I for the next 6-7 months. I am getting a crash course what it’s like to be a single working mom.

Everything falls on me. Lunches, dishes, daycare drop off and pick up. Getting everything ready the night before. Everything. I am a little bit overwhelmed. Eric has done a lot around the house and has been key in getting us all out the door and to daycare and work on time. He’s out for the next two nights (for work) so it’s something that I am getting used to.

If tonight’s dinner (frozen pizza) and my kitchen is any indicator it’s going to be a messy (household wise) 6 months.

I wrote a huge post the other night that got lost. I got into the nitty gritty on my feelings of Eric’s upcoming deployment and my feelings of him being Aaron’s primary caregiver as I’ve been working fulltime and going to school part time. Alas it’s not meant to be blogged about at this time I wrote it on my lap top and it overheated and shut down and I haven’t been able to recover it.

The lap top was given to me and Eric just ordered me a new one so hopefully I won’t lose a post again. I haven’t had a new PC since ’04 so it’s needed and overdue.

Today could’ve been a lot worse considering how it started by me discovering Eric had unplugged the crock pot last night to charge my iPod and I woke up to not cooked chili. (I am not mad as we only have ONE electrical outlet in the entire kitchen and he was doing me a favor as I wear my iPod at work and it get’s me through my day. It is encouraged, not something I would normally do in the workplace.)

I was 2.5 hours late for work as I had to take Aaron to get his blood drawn. I expected a lot of tears and hard day ahead of me, but it wasn’t that bad. The first lab we went to sent us to the hospital to the out patient lab to get Aaron’s blood drawn as they “couldn’t process” his one requisition. I took him to lab opened early to save some time, instead of waiting for the one I normally go to open which has awesome staff that are great with kids. I have to say to lady who collected Aaron’s blood this morning was awesome and worth the wait. He didn’t flinch or make a peep. She has an angel’s touch. And I was so proud him.

My little angel is sleeping and that’s my queue to clean the kitchen and make tomorrows lunches a chore I hate with a passion.

I Got a B!

Biology is done! I am exhausted. Working fulltime and going to school part-time is not recommended!

My hard work paid off. I have banged off one of many pre-reqs for Nursing. A C + was what I needed, I got a mid B. Not too shabby considering I have had a hard time finding time to study with work. It’s time to hit the hay.

Night All.

Crap I Am Dealing With But Shouldn't

I  have been busy beyond belief! Working full time and going to school part time will do that to you.

-Refilling perscriptions for Aaron because people have been over dosing him!

-Crabby people at work

-WHEN Eric will be leaving. We have an idea as to where but NOTHING has been confirmed. Families and sailors usually have months if not a YEAR notice for long deployments. We have a tentative date which keeps changing, which is messing up my plan because I can't plan anything!. 

- A nagging cold/wheezing phlegmy cough that will NOT go away.

- Insecurities at work. (I know one is to not blog about work, the job I do is easy the people not so much.)



- Vancouver rioters - I am ashamed of my city and the assholes that premeditated to riot.

That is all.

Oh Hockey Day!

Today is a glorious day! I am headed to Vancouver in a few short hours sans boys. It's game day for game 2 of the Stanley Cup final between the Vancouver Canucks and Boston Bruins. *For those of you who don't follow hockey*

I'll be donning this:

 and sipping cold beer to wash down the food I shouldn't be eating as I hoot and holler at the big screen TV among friends.

It's playoff hockey in Vancouver folks! I think this may be bigger than the Olympics! Downtown tonight is going to be a gong show and I plan to be there in the thick of things.

And it's going to be in the 20's. (68-75 F) for my American friends. Oh Hockey Day!

I Is Employed

Well I gone and done it. I got me a job.

I got a mere 5 days notice.

The pay is too good to turn down.

I haven't slept in I don't know how many nights.

I start tomorrow.

Crap!

My head is swimming and I can't form a coherent thought.

You think over the weekend I would've meal planned, made meals to freeze and eat and had my house a little more organized. Nope my head is swimming. I need to shave my legs, straighten my hair and sleep.

Logistics suck. And the it's the end of the school year.

Thank-God Aaron is in daycare. That's all I can say.

Nucking Futs

I forgot Aaron’s lunch today. I realized this halfway to his daycare and there wasn’t time to go home to get it. It was a rushed morning on the heals of a holiday weekend.

My first thought was I’d get him something at McDonald’s and then scolded myself. I was in a rush, he hadn’t had breakfast and there was a Tim Horton’s on the way.

Timmy’s it was. I was proud of myself for choosing a healthier option. I got him a bagel, fruit explosion muffin and 3 Timbits. It would have to do until I could get back there with his lunch. I had class and couldn’t be late.

When I came back a couple of hours later with his lunch a worker pulled me aside.

She gently chastised me for bringing Tim Horton’s into the center. His daycare is a nut free zone, and Tim Horton’s has nut products. I broke the cardinal rule of daycare. No Nuts.

Nukin Futs! I cursed silently.

I consoled myself with the fact that is was 5 O’clock somewhere and that I had 2 bottles of my favourite wine from a recent cross border trip.

How Do I Do It?

That is, keep my son innocent as long as possible.


I have three-year-old. An immature and innocent little boy whom I'd like to keep that way for a long as I can.

I've been debating switching Aaron's daycare. He's in a great center with great staff. Its drawbacks are its location and the behavior of some of the children.

I know kids are kids and act like kids. I don't mind dirty, screaming, asking questions, and kids who are kids. But I do not like children who are rough. There isn't a no violence policy at Aaron's daycare. I realize kids will be kids, but I don't like seeing children punch each other. Not even not quite 4-year-olds.

One of Aaron's behavior interventionists commented that the children at his daycare seemed high strung. I never thought much of it. But the more I see, the more I think his therapist is right. Kids cry. Mine does, nearly every day. It's expected. But it seems almost every time I picking Aaron up or dropping him off, someone is crying.
Again not a reason to switch him daycares, but I don't want him around kids who use their fists before there words. He will see this enough when he hits kindergarten. He's doesn't need to be around it for the next 2.5 years.

I hesitate to switch him out of his daycare as he has made some connections with the staff and with Eric deploying and his presence being inconsistent when he is posted to a sea going ship. But I don't want him around problematic children either.

I am viewing daycares and putting him on wait lists. I hope I am making the right decision.

A Day and Then Some

I was going to write about the differences in my first Mother's Day where I did not "feel" like a mom due to post partum depression versus now but that post will have to wait till post exam and post dad visit.



Today has not been my day that is for sure. Or more so it started last night. I live in a very old house. And she decided to rear her ugly head last night.

It was apparent when I went downstairs to flip laundry that my utility sink had spaghetti sauce in it. My first thought was WTF? Nobody was doing dishes down in basement. It soon became apparent that my kitchen sink was leaking into my utility sink. (The pipes are all connected.)

Naturally, I did what any girl would do. I went to the store and got some Liquid Plumbr foaming pipe snake for my kitchen sink. It usually solves the problem.

Not last night.

In the afternoon my dad was running a load of clothes (he’s over for the weekend visiting “helping out” with Aaron. I saying “helping out” as he means well but disregards a lot of I say on how act with Aaron and how to use my house and causes me more stress than good.) And the utility sink was not draining when the washing machine flowing into it. (I have a lovely plumbing system in my house.)

We avoided a overflow of the sink by 3 inches! I promptly turned off the machine and sent my dad to the store for more Liquid Plumbr.

After the sink slowly drained, I administered it with the instructions to my dad to not use the washing machine, kitchen sink or utility sink until an hour had passed and I could pour boiling water down the utility sink.

Simple instructions. Right?

Sure if your anyone but my dad.

Before an hour had passed and he asked me if he could use the washing machine and I said No.

Next thing I know, he in the kitchen washing dishes! Ugh.

That hour was wasted as cold water had leaked down to the utility sink and all the foaming action of the Liquid Plumbr was wasted. After it sits for an hour, hot water activates whatever agents are needed to finish to job.

You think this would be only one upset of my day. But it’s not. I was baby sitting my son’s friend and figured two adults to two kids no problem. Yeah no.

As I said my dad means well but doesn’t listen to parenting instructions which really makes for a difficult day.

I would rather be on my own with two toddler boys then have my dad around at times. I am not trying to sound ungrateful, I am not. But when I ask him to not do something and he disregards that or wakes up little boys I am trying nap or makes so much noise they can’t fall asleep I get a little pissy.

And throwing trying to study for an exam tomorrow. Yeah, today has been stressful.

There were a few tantrums and hysterics from Aaron to. But such is life with him. If I am stressing, he picks up on it.

All in all, it wasn’t a bad Mother’s Day. Eric got my gift card for my favourite make up store and my boy fell asleep in my arms.

I am onto round 2 of Liquid Plumbr for the utility sink and will be happy lady when I see a plumber tomorrow as a sink shouldn’t be back flowing sand and dirt into it.

I Don’t Recognize Myself

Something in me has changed over the last day or so and I don’t know what to account for that change. Eric is away right for the next 2 weeks so it is just Aaron and I. Something is different about me.

I am calmer with Aaron and OMG I actually WANT to clean. If you know me, I lack a lot of patience when it comes to parenting. I also loathe cleaning with a passion! And if the task can be put off, then by God it will be put off!

I have had a very busy 24 hours as outlined in my two brief posts I wrote yesterday. I was able t among all the stuff I had to do, I actually parented Aaron the way I would want to be parented.

There were a few moments when he was going into full blown toddler meltdown mode and my reaction to the situation would either add fuel to the fire or diffuse it.

I don’t remember exactly what the situation was as we have many situations like these through out our days and I am just too tired to remember.

There was one moment yesterday where I just wanted to nap. I knew he needed one, I needed one and I nap best when it is just Aaron and I. I don’t know why. Maybe it goes back to our baby days when we would co-sleep for our naps but I usually nap best if he is home with me.

I do miss those days and I miss him being at home with me. I am pretty sure that a job is in the near future for me. I am optimistic but don’t want put the cart too far in front of the horse. I have to submit a security clearance and pending that, I am hopeful that an offer will be made.

Which makes me wonder if I have missed out these last 5 months of Aaron being in daycare instead of him being at home, with me. I tear up thinking about it. Developmentally, we felt it was the best thing for him. And his speech progress is making leaps and bounds. Some of the things that come out of his mouth surprise me and I marvel at him.

I am so thankful that his speech his coming. I really don’t know what to attribute my calm demeanor to, but whoever or whatever I am thankful to.

And I actually cleaned, without being told to. I don’t know what it is but my house’s lack of organization and clutter is eating away at me. I may be this subconscious nesting I feel to do in preparation for going back to work. Because I can see how being organized will make life so much easier especially when everything will fall on me. This includes but is not limited too parenting, cleaning, and getting crap down around the house.

Eric had a big deployment coming up but we don’t know the details or dates which is maddening. But thankfully now that the damn election was over with, the government can make some decisions for our Canadian Forces. (In case you didn’t know, Canada had a federal election yesterday. We have a Conservative majority and the NDP as the official opposition. [That is history in itself])

And yes, I voted.

Even more historic, is the fact that I cleaned out my freezer tonight without a fuss or procrastinating.

Yes, you read right. I Siera, cleaned out my freezer tonight.

Actually, it started as me saying to myself that I would organize it, but in while in the middle of the deed, it was apparent that a wipe down was needed. Thankfully, it was just some debris and spilled vegetables and not raw meat juice.

Sometimes I think that the clean fairies are going to come and rescue me, but in reality only I will rescue me.

Well until Eric gets home or my dad comes for a visit.

Things I Should Care About...

but don't.

- Our Federal Election and who will lead mess up our country.
- The Vancouver Canucks game
- Osama Bin Dead
- Eric's coming deployment

What I do care about.

- Studying more for my biology quiz tomorrow morning
- Preparing for my job assessment and/or interview tomorrow morning
- My toddler who can now climb out of his crib getting enough sleep
- Packing said toddler's lunch.

On Goings

In the next 24 hours I have to:

- Study for a quiz for Biology

- Prepare for job interview/test for job with Stats Can

Two big priorities. By myself with a toddler.

This morning I had to have a SLP (speech and language pathologist) meet us at the house.

My plan was nap myself and Aaron, take him back to daycare and study at the library as neither is going on with him at home.

He hasn't napped. Neither have I. Now it's time to take him back to daycare.

On top of studying what has been loaded on me.

-Finding a form to fax for Aaron's Austism Funding Eric was suppose to deal with, which never got done.

-Fax an asset qualification to someone for a government job I've been put in a qualified pool for as I am not sure an email attachment is sufficient. (Due tonight at midnight! Less than 24 hours notice)

I also have to ensure my toddler is happy, attended to, fed nutritious meals and bathed.

And I have to make myself look good for my interview which means more than a jeans, shirt and ponytail.

All on my own.

Burst My Bubble

It’s no secret that I like my country music. And every now and then I like to get myself a country music fix by heading to a country bar. Sadly, Victoria lacks anything close to resembling a country bar so I get my fill when I visit Vancouver.
I had every intention of doing so this past weekend. I had always wanted to go to Boone County Cabaret, but have never managed to go in the 10 years that I’ve been legal.

This past weekend, I was going to do it. I was still on my country high from my birthday. A friend and I randomly ended up at Gabby’s a few weeks back on my birthday and had a pretty good time not to mention and awesome band!

(Side note: The Steel Toe Boots were awesome. You can really tell in their playing that they love what they do. My friend and I noted that they played Gary Allan’s - Right Where I Need To Be exceptionally well. From reading their Bio on their website, it’s the first song they ever learned.)

So this past Saturday, I headed out to Boone County Cabaret. When Tara and I got there Karen Lee Batten was playing. She is a local BC country singer and I have heard on the radio. I didn’t hear any country songs coming out of her, but it isn’t uncommon for country bands to do a rock song or two. (She was also pleasure to listen too)

Regardless, Tara and I began to dance. We had seen people two stepping so I still thought I was in a country bar.

The band packed up and the DJ started playing some rock music and then club music came on. I still wasn’t put off because even Rooster’s plays a few Top 40 songs.

But it was apparent in my tipsy state that something just wasn’t right. I went and requested a song I could line dance to and the DJ said he couldn’t play it. I was think WTF? And he said they weren’t a country bar any more.

My bubble had been burst! Initially, I was let down, but undeterred. I should’ve clued in that TNB being splattered on an overhead screen. (The New Boone.) I talked to the bouncer and he told me that it was either go bankrupt or change their platform. So they changed their platform. But they didn’t change their signage or décor inside.

Despite all this, I continued to have a good time with Tara and danced the night away. I wasn’t dressed for a club per se; skinny jeans, grey leather boots and a fitted v-neck tee more suited for a country bar as that what I was going for.

I learned a good lesson on my birthday. Don’t wear flip flops to a country bar. In my defense on my birthday we were graced with some spring like weather and I HAD no clue I’d end up at Gabby’s. It’s near impossible to line dance in flip flops but I did manage to do it!

But it wasn’t an experience I cared to repeat.

And I didn’t because I didn’t go to a country bar.

Party Success



Cake, completed with train and candle.

Aaron's party was success! And I am bagged. I probably waited until the last minute to do things like clean the house and cut up fruit and veggies for the party trays. It's is apparent that my house is too small to host a party and 5 kids including Aaron and a smattering of parents reinforced this.

The weather has been crap otherwise I would've had it outside.

I am tired, and zonked and should be studying for test I have on Wednesday. I have back to back cake decorating courses this Monday and Tuesday which leaves little room to study. I'll be posting more pics of my creations as they happen.

-------

I was reading over my archives and actually found a post I wrote when Aaron stopped waiving when he learned it which lead to my calling the public health nurse which lead to speech therapy which lead to a referral for an autism assessment. To think if I hadn't called the public health nurse we may have gone unaware of Aaron's autism until he was school age. I was reading another one I wrote a few days after and I wrote that he didn't point to things, which is another flag. I can't believe how much I blogged two years ago. I am so glad we got a diagnosis when we did. I am off to study.

Birthday Cake

It's Aaron's 3rd Birthday today. I don't know where the time has gone. Three years ago tonight we were in the hospital in the middle of a near sleepless night. Tonight, I will sleep. I am up later than usual, but needed to share pictures of his birthday cake I just made for his party tomorrow.

The detail is butter cream. The side and top are whipping cream.

I used whipping cream to ice it instead of butter cream frosting and OMG what a mistake. Butter cream is SO much easier to work with. I made him a train cake and tomorrow I will mount one of his Thomas Train's on it because actually decorating Thomas would take 3 hours. And I am not so keen on it as I was with his dinosaur cake.

Road Trip Spring Break 2011 Part 1

I am nearly home from my road trip adventure. I'd love to say that I had the best trip ever and the epic times were had and that this will go down in the history as of the best trips I have ever had, but I can't.

What I can tell you that travelling when your sick with more than the sniffles, is ill advised. Or maybe ill advised if your me. The point of this trip was some much needed R&R. 4 days after putting Eric and Aaron in a plane, and I no more rested than I was when they left.

If you can't speak, then it's probably not a good idea to embark on a road trip or not with someone who wants to do a lot of sight seeing. Originally, Tara and I were suppose to do Seattle but that somehow turned into Portland and Oregon.

She said she wanted to go somewhere she normally wouldn't get to see and that somehow turned as she “could see Seattle any day.”

The point of this post isn't too complain about my friend's lack of understanding of what parenting is and once your a parent your needs will come second to your children's 95% of the time but highlight some of the places we saw and people we encountered.

We left my dad's place shortly after 11am and we made it across the border at 1pm. We headed straight down the I-5 until we reached Marysville and stopped into Taco Bell lunch and headed on down the I-5.

We made pretty good timing and were very close to Portland and we noticed that bridge was up so stopped off in Vancouver, WA for some dinner. We drove around a bit and ended up at the Brickhouse downtown I assume.

There was a full St. Patrick's Day celebration in full swing and I felt out of place not being in green... we we're ID's by a kid who couldn't have been more than 14. We headed to the lounge and ordered our dinner. My mushroom and Swiss burger and Caesar salad were standard pub fare. Our server was attentive and our well drinks were generous. (One thing to be said about America from most bars I've frequented, is that they pour generous drinks! Unlike here in Canada where every drop of alcohol is measured cause heaven forbid someone not pay for that tiny last drop or alcohol!)

I was more keen on observing our surroundings. From what I observed, a girl wasn't going to denied a waitressing job if she wasn't a perfect size 2, and the more tattoos and piercings one had the better. Every waitress in there had tattoos on her arms and/or chest. If I were to apply there I fear I wouldnt' be hired for my lack of visible tattoos.

After dinner, we headed over the bridge into Portland and to our accommodations at the Downtown Value Inn. True to it's name it was value. I read some bad reviews about it, but when your paying $67 per night to stay downtown right near a street car and university campus you can't complain. It was clean and quiet and the staff/owners were pleasant and let us park our car for free the next day after check out to explore Portland. So I wasn't surprised when there were cigarette burns on some of the furniture. We were there to sleep not stay in a hotel.

We checked in, got changed and headed out to check out the Portland nightlife on St. Patricks' Day. We wanted to hit up Portland's Celtic Festival but I'll be damned if I was paying $25 cover to enter a tent playing music and an Irish Bar.

We wanted to go to another pub across the street but there was a line up too long to to even consider staying in. We ended up at the Ash. St. Saloon and took in punk show by some random band. It was clear, that we were over dressed in our clean green shirts, jeans and shoes. In order to fit in here, I would need to be sporting a full on sleeve of tattoos, tattoos on my chest/back of neck, have more piercings than I currently have or not have showered for a week, or wore last weeks clothes from the bottom of my hamper or worn every ripped/torn piece of clothing I owned.

But then again I am not a punk or listen to punk music but the people were nice and the drinks were cheap and plentiful. After 45 minutes or so here we moved next door to some random pub with a juke box which seemed to cater to an all over crowd but more so blue collared/college students. We fit right in. Our night did not end here, but that will have to wait as I need to get my boys from the air port soon.

I can't wait to see Aaron and I know he is dying to see me. He started to cal me "Mommy" a week ago when wants me instead of whining from his crib in the morning I hear "Mommy!" It's music to my ears.

B is for Basement!

The title of this post has no relevance to this post. Usually when Aaron sees the letter 'B' he will say "B, basement!" He learned this from riding elevators.

It's been too long since I wrote a post. We're sick. Well Aaron and I are. I have a cold and he has an ear infection. He is getting on plane in 2 days time. The timing couldn't be worse. The doctor at the walk-in clinic suggested that Aaron go on antibiotics as he will be flying and that we administer Advil or Tylenol for the pain. This is all fine and dandy but it's is Eric who will be taking him not me. When he is sick it's me he wants or my dad. I am not accompanying them as all is still not well with the MIL.

What I am doing is attempting a road trip with Tara. As soon as I drop Eric and Aaron off at the airport, I am heading to Vancouver. We heading to Oregon. We had thought of trying to make it to San Francisco, but that is just too crazy. We don't know where we are going for sure, but we will most likely be spending St. Patrick's Day in Portland. If we do make it there I plan on going to an Irish Pub downtown that serves great Irish Nachos.

So I am childless, job less and on Spring Break. I will letting the Good Times Roll. And Tara and TM are no longer an item, so all should be well!

Denial

I have been going through a lot of denial these past few days and weeks. Aaron's ASD diagnosis is just part of who he is and I've maintained that I won't let it change him or define us as a family. It's just another fact of our lives. This came crashing down around me after meeting with a local chapter here I wonder what life will hold for Aaron.

It was my hope that by the time he is school age an entering kindergarten that he will not need in class support and only need supplemental support outside of school. I am beginning to wonder if that will ever be the case. My biggest fear for him is that he will be teased mercilessly by his peers and bullied and come home to me in tears. I was teased as child and bullied. So was my dad. We're pretty sure my dad is on the spectrum. He's being referred to someone who can diagnos him. If he does have ASD, it would explain why my dad is so socially awkward. I think I was bullied due to the fact that my mom never took the time to socialize me and sat on her ass and watched TV or read her books in my early years.

That's one thing that Aaron doesn't lack,. I've always taken him to playgroups and had play dates and he has 2 friends that we see often and he asks for. But I wonder if it is enough?

One thing I got from the other parent was that families with children with ASD seem to gravitate towards each other and spend a lot of time together. I am all for being around people like us BUT don't want to let Aaron's Autism shape and change every dynamic of our life. I hope he can still integrate with his peers and that he can be a normal child.

I am also a little disappointed with how slowly our service provider is at doling out intervention. I'd like to see some things starting soon so that he can benefit from it. So far we've had a 2 hour assessment and that's it.

Denial is really a big part of me. Aaron will be 3 in less than a month! How the hell did that happen? All I can think about right now is that last little bit of my pregnancy. It was a happy time for the most part. Tim Horton's has Rrrrrrolll up the Rim going on right now which always reminds me of my last month of pregnancy as I got a Tim Horton's coffee dang near every day. It was my vice, and I had 2 right around the corner from me. It's those little things I miss.

I don't think I will ever have a second child. I do not know this, but am pretty sure that will be the case. It's something I've wavered back and forth with and with Aaron having ASD, it's not a chance that I think I am willing to take. I believe there is as 1 in 4 chance any future children I have would have it but  don't quote me on that. And with ASD, who knows where on the spectrum that child might fall and what quality of life said child may have. There's no doubt in my mind that Aaron inherited Autism from my side of the family, something I don't want to impart on any future children.

On Goings

An update is needed. I just don’t have it in me at the moment to blog. I’ve been busy. Between school and interviewing service providers for Aaron I am lucky to get good nights sleep, which I normally do not get. I am lucky if I get to watch Grey’s Anatomy within 24 hours of its airing. If I do, I am getting in my ME time.

Eric and I chose a service provider for Eric’s therapy. Having an autism diagnosis enters in a whole new kettle of fish. I wasn’t just going to go with anyone. In British Columbia, once your child is diagnosed you apply for funding for therapy, get approved and find a provider.

I have heard that it’s best to find one that offers all services under their belt and other parents have said hire individually as you get more bang for your buck. At this point, I just want to get therapy implemented and if I feel that Aaron’s needs aren’t being met we will reevaluate things.

I still have yet to connect with other parents in the area walking this walk. It’s most frustrating… but most people volunteer with these organizations.

I am sitting at B right now in Bio. Not too shabby considering I haven’t been applying myself as much as I’d like to with all this stuff with Aaron my mind is elsewhere. And I’ve had a cold I haven’t been able to get over; Eric and I are having issues – which contribute to my not sleeping. Some of my friends have some major life issues going on that need my support, so not too shabby. I wish things weren’t so with my friends and wish I could help but sometimes all I can do is listen.

I did manage to watch Grey’s Anatomy tonight. I was thinking of a post that SIF did the other day about infertility in TV land and the unrealisms (I just made this up) of it is pissing me off. By no means, am I an IF expert but I have an avid interest in it and have been reading blogs for years, and was almost an egg donor so I think I know a few things.

Last week Meredith was getting a shot in the ass as part of her fertility treatment… Which I know is protocol in some IF cases BUT to my limited knowledge a shot in the ass is for an HCG shot to trigger the eggs just before they’re collected and when a woman is injecting progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. If eggs are being produced en masse for an IVF cycle I believe the fertility drugs are injected in the stomach.

In tonight’s episode, Meredith’s vision is effected because of the fertility drugs… A dr. told her to stop taking them, and she said “But I only have 2 pills left in this cycle.” So what is it? Injections or pills? I wish the writers over at Grey’s Anatomy could do their homework a little better. What are they paying these researchers for?

This is what’s been on my mind. In my sleeplessness and stress I’ve got a few good pimples that need my attention before I hit the hay as I am flying solo with Aaron for the next 2 weeks so I need all the sleep I can get.

My Valentines Days Over the Years!

***Side note. I just went out to the car to get my cell phone and I saw 26 cents on the front seat that I grabbed and immediately thought of the song 26 Cents by The Wilkinsons. As soon as I came into the house is started up on the Galaxy Radio I had on TV. Freaky! And what does it mean???***


I have a lot of stuff going on in my life at the moment and I thought I’d pause and sum up my valentines days over the years some are funny some or not.

1990 (Grade 2) I remember watching the grade 7 girls get ready in the bathroom for their Valentines Day dance. One was too shy to wear the little back dress she was wearing and donned a t-shirt over it. I couldn’t WAIT until I was in grade 6 and 7 to go a Valentines Day dance! The girls were do mature and worldly!

1994 (Grade 6): I went to my first school dance held in after lunch in the gym. The girls were on one side of the gym and boys on the other. Classical. I actually danced with a boy (a 7th grader! Older man) with my hands on his shoulders and his hands on my hips. The aftermath of that was a crush and a few notes passed back and forth and nothing. But of course it was a BIG deal at the time.

1995 (Grade 7): I don’t remember anything of note mark any significance.

1996 (Grade 8): The boy I had a MAJOR crush on at junior high accompanied along with his friend to the corner store on our lunch break. It was a beautiful spring day (it really was) and I was in love. To get to said store we had to cross the ground of my old elementary school I remember former classmates asking me if he was my boyfriend to which I replied “were just friends.” Secretly hoping one day that would change.

1997: (Grade 9) I was at new high school and the boy of my affections was at my old junior high school. I think the focus was giving and receiving candy grams to and from friends. My friends and I probably discussed the object of our affections over lunch. My youth group at church held pot luck and he was there! He told me I put too much lemon in my Caesar salad dressing but otherwise liked it. I was convinced we would be married one day as he was already criticizing my cooking!

1998: (Grade 10) Nothing stands out for this year aside from the candy grams to send and receive from friends. I think I may have had a school crush but was too shy to do anything about it. I did have a grade 10 crush, but can’t remember what point during the year that he was the object of my affection

1999: (Grade 11) I spent the afternoon with a guy that I wasn’t certain I liked or not. Valentines Day fell on a Sunday. We went for a walk around the lake by my house and he got me a chocolate heart that he had taken a bite out of. Classy class. I think he saw another girl after me, but I am not too sure. If he did, I didn’t care as I was uncertain about him.

2000 (Grade 12): On the heals of a break up with my first real boyfriend of 8 months we agreed to spend it together. We went out to dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory and I was home early. I can’t recall if we fooled around in the back seat of his car or not. I never should’ve spent it with him as I hurt him when I broke up with him and it was kind of adding salt to wound.

After he dropped me off, I went over to a guy’s house that I was seeing and we made-out and watched a movie. No pressure. Not my finest moment. I think I liked his car more than him.

2001: After the heals of ANOTHER break up with the first boyfriend he refused to spend V-tines Day with me. He learned from his mistakes. One month shy of my 19th birthday, a friend told me to hit a club with her and her friends (if I got in, which I did.) There was a group of guys and girls that were friends of friends and I met my soon-to-be-rebound boyfriend. It didn’t last long. We made-out that night, he drove me to the Skytrain and we dated for a month. While I was in the Skytrain Station waiting do my train some drunk guy slurredly and asked me to be his valentine. I said I had one and tried to ignore him until my train arrived.

2002: I really don’t remember this one at all. So nothing significant happened. I probably worked

2003: I was suppose to spend it with my dad, but we got into a fight and I high tailed it to Victoria to Eric’s. He worked that day and we were celebrating it on the Sunday. So I spent it travelling to Victoria and alone at Eric’s place while I waited for him to get off work the next morning. We celebrated on the Sunday night with dinner out at the The Swan Cafe. It would be come a favourite eatery of ours.

2004: I spent Valentines Day with a sick friend as Eric was back east on course.

2005: I met Eric in Seattle on the 13th where his ship was. He got us a room at fancy hotel downtown and we had the best pasta I have ever tasted some restaurant a few blocks away from our hotel. I can’t remember the name of it for the life of me but it started with a P and may have been near Bell Town?

2006: I had an Anti-Valentines Day party with my single friends at my buddy’s apartment as Eric was deployed. It consisted of myself, Sally, Adam (buddy) and his obnoxious roommate and a case of Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and a bottle of Bacardi. It was a good night complete with Sally and I passing out and Adam’s ex-gf coming over to pay him a late night visit. Obnoxious roommate passed out by himself.

2007: At the moment I am drawing a blank sad I know.

2008: I baked Eric an apple pie he got me my favourite candies which I picked out lol and we went for dinner at the Swan Café completed with a trip to labour and delivery because I thought was in early labour at 32 weeks. What I thought were contractions was constipation. I didn’t think L&D would actually call my midwife and make her come in. All I wanted them to do was an internal and tell me everything was okay and send me on my way. But NO, they made her come. I felt awful.

2009: Drawing a blank. I blame it on baby brain.

2010: Eric took me out for dinner at The Mint. We had a good time followed by a drive.

2011: No plans. I am making Eric a pie he will (hopefully) get me a card. I did cards for Aarons’ daycare classmates (hell he isn’t even 3! And it’s already started) and made cupcakes for his daycare. When I left, he was hugging me around my neck as I put my shoes on from behind. Nothing is sweeter than hugs from my little man!

***EDIT*** Eric got me card, a candy, a bottle of white Bacardi and a bottle Beringer White Zinfandel. It was a good Valentines Day.


Happy Valentines Day!

A Lot on My Mind

We got Aaron’s diagnosis. He has been disagosied with Autism Disorder. That’s the official diagnosis. They no longer say “Asperbergers” Or “High Functioning Autism.” I think that is the most frustrating as when you tell people that they don’t know where to place him. At first glance you think he is a happy normal child. It’s only upon close inspection you can note some things that are different.

This is a lot for Eric and me to process. It’s kind of like a cold slap on the face. You get a diagnosis and have all these questions and the team who diagnosed him are like “here’s a binder” to get the ball rolling. Like WTF? I have questions can you at least not answer them then and there?

I still don’t know all that is involved. The binder does lay it out pretty well. But I’d rather have a human tell me. I talked to Tara for a good long while last night as she has worked with ASD kids (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) she had a lot of useful info.

The first step is to get the funding needed and then to start interviewing service providers which will help with his therapy. I don’t know how much he will need or for how long. I still have yet to figure this out.

One thing I know is I don’t want ASD to define his life or who he is. I don’t even know if I will tell him as it may be who he becomes. My hope is by the time he is school aged and entering kindergarten this will be behind us and I don’t have to tell his school so he can start life fresh with no labels or for people to judge him before they know him

I can see how when this happens how other things can take a back burner. My volunteering as fallen behind, I don’t know what this bodes for school. And finding a job is probably out of the question as I will need to take him to therapy several times per week. Hopefully my 1 and soon to be 2 class schedule can be accommodated.

Did I Over React or Do I Have a Right To Be Pissed?

I wrote this diddy up over in my communtiy at Blog Frog. I normally don't seek relationship advice but it's about a difference of opinions with Eric. I'd love input as I really don't know if I am in the right or wrong.

I Don't Like It Lying Down

Some of you may wonder what I do all day while Aaron is at daycare? You know as I am unemployed and and have nothing else to do but sit on,my butt all day and read blogs and blog. Well one of the things I do to pass time is get inked! And instead of getting something small as per the norm for me. I went big. Bigger than any of my previous tattoos.

Final product.

Eric got me a gift certificate for a tattoo for Christmas. I got a tattoo with it a few weeks ago. I know I wanted a black and grey flower of some sort and was pretty sure I wanted a lily. The artist drew this on me by hand. I am very happy and very pleased with it! The only thing I am not pleased with is this one hurt like a bitch. And I had to get while laying down. I have never gotten a tattoo laying down before. I've always straddled a chair and I prefer that. Laying down, I couldn't read and had nothing to take my mind off of the pain. Last time I barely felt it. This time I felt like a baby. But the pain is beauty, and a beauty this one is!

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On the serious side of things. Since my unemployed ass can't find a job I started school this week. I am upgrading high school courses and want to apply for nursing. I've also thought of another job alternative the most wouldn't think of. I am giving very serious thought to joining either the Army/Navy/Air Force Reserves. I've found a unit and a trade I like and have to get my paper work in. I will not specify which branch of the Canadian Forces I will joining as would be too easy to pin point me. Going this route means I will not deploy, I will work part-time one evening and 2 weekends per month which will allow me to stay home with Aaron (not deploy) contribute to my family's income, get some experience to add to the resume and it's something I can do while going to university should I get accepted into my program.

Now I just need to get my ass in shape as Basic Training will kill me. (Held on weekends.)

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On the autism front, Aaron's assessments are next week. We dont' know what to think or make. Some days we think he is a normal little boy other days some of his behaviors perplex us. Regardless of the outcome it's better to know than not. Aaron continues to develop at daycare and is participating in circle time and games. 2 months ago he never would've done this. I am still glad we decided to put him in. It's one of the best parenting decisions I think we've made for him.

I Meddled and It Feels Good!

I am smiling from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat since I woke up this morning The only way to describe my feeling of euphoria is that giddiness one experiences in the beginning of a new relationship.

I guess I should back up a bit. I had a good friend Krista come out and visit me for a week and I had an acquaintance Eric’s I wanted to introduce her to. She’s been through a lot in the last year and is in a place emotionally where she has expressed an interest in dating and I immediately thought of Chris.

Knowing them both to be shy people, I thought they would click but I had a dilemma.
Being that Eric was out of town, I had no way to get the two to meet. Chris and Eric don’t hang out one on one and since Eric was out of town I was at a loss as to how to introduce the two.

I mentioned my idea to Eric and Chris’s mutual friend Derek and he thought it was a good idea but we still didn’t know how to execute our plan. We both agreed that nobody likes to be set up so I had we had to go about it in a way that neither would suspect they were being set up.

I was thinking we could just happen to run into Derek and Chris while we were out but Derek knew Chris would smell a set up. So he suggested we get a group of people together and hit up a pub.

A time and place was set. All we had to do was get everyone who needed to be there, there.

Easier said than done. Chris so happened to have an obligation earlier in the evening a Krista was starting to feel run down as she caught Aaron’s cold (My baby had a 39.5 Celsius fever this week at one point.) and wanted to go home early. I convinced her to stay and even gave up my room so she could have an uninterrupted night of sleep so she’d be ready to go on Friday night.

Friday rolled around. And we made it to said pub. I saw some old friends I hadn’t seen in a long time and even brought along another friend. Everyone was drinking and talking and having a good time. Eventually Chris should up and everyone who needed to be there was.

Krista and Chris where not sitting anywhere near each other so things weren’t going where I had hoped. Here enters some musical chairs and they ended up sitting next to each other and I guess they eventually struck up a conversation. I was lost in my own conversation and the next thing I know Chris had his arm around Krista and he’s telling me he’ll be picking her up in the morning and taking her for coffee and driving her to the ferry! I never expected that! He said he wanted to get to know her when they were both sober.

Very admirable of him. There was more drinking and dancing and a good time was had by all.

I was quite pleased with myself. And he showed up to pick her up this morning. Things were a little awkward at first but I think hey got on well. She texted me to say they had a good time. I don’t know what will come of it if anything… both being so shy I assume both will be too shy to contact the other. But a seed has been planted.

Actually two seeds were. My other friend and a guy who happened to be out with us hit it off.

Just call me The Meddler.